Like I Never Left, Which is What I'd Prefered

I don't know why everytime I return home I expect some kind of welcoming comittee. I mean I think pretty highly of myself (that much is obvious of course) so I guess when I'm gone I figure people notice, but for the most part they do not. I returned to my store Nidget waved (with all of his fingers even which was nice) and I put away what little I'd returned home with (apparently the horse I had set out with had returned weeks before, Nidget just assumed I got killed didn't even set up a fake grave or anything). After that stirling reception I decided to swing into the Flagon Slayer and kill the rest of my night drinking.

"You couldn't have stayed in the afterlife Trezlan?" Valrym was such a pleasant server on my return.

"Nah I have so much to live for, besides if I wanted to stay in an afterlife I'd prefer one that is eternal pleasure, not conflict."

"There is no afterlife that is eternal pleasure."

"Man you gods suck, I can see why you're all going to be gone some day."

"So will you Lorentino." He turned around and went to help other customers and I sat at my end of the bar drinking, a usual night for Trezlan Lorentino. Therod would swing by later chastised me for not paying my property taxes (she was still having to collect them apparently, I had forgotten this, or didn't care enough to remember, take your pick) and then told me she was going to keep an eye on me.  So it was like I never left in the first place which is just about how I like my life. Crazy enough to keep me on my toes, steady enough that despite being on my toes I can still reliably guess where things are going. Which is usually awful, because I live in a world of pain, suffering, and gods damned shorties.

And Here Is Where You Made Your Mistake

"You don't scare me." Voice was shaking, eyes still wide, even being dressed in human flesh didn't make him anymore imposing than the tiny little spec of crap he was. Honestly I had no idea how the tiny frail man had commanded this army of fools anymore than I could figure how I'd wound up the destroyer of it. But there I was, and there he was. Siara was going to rush forward and gut him, but I held her back just a simple gesture telling her to stay her hand. After what I did she obliged.

"Of course not, such a strong willed leader such as yourself is clearly in charge of this situation. Certainly not terrified of a real magic user coming to smash your little army." I could smell something, and not just the badly burnt flesh and the general smell of sleze that the kids army had. No there was something off here, something that didn't line up.

"That's right this is my army and you and your little crusader can't stop my plans." He said crusader pretty derisively like he had a previous association with Siara.

"Stop just stop, you're a terrified little coward, and your army is not even yours, its not even real." Despite all the murdering of course, that was completely real.

"What are you on about Trezlan?" Siara kept her voice low, but she was completely confused especially in the wake of the entire group of people I'd killed moments before.

"You'll see how real they are!" I had strode forward and buried my sword into his chest, it stuck out of his back like some weird horn. His army faded, first shimmering, and then completely dematerializing entirely.

"You were weak little man, I am strong, you sought something you should not have had, and I have taken it from you." I withdrew the blade and he collapsed to the ground crying, his final moments trying to grab after me as death took him.

"This does not make any sense." Siara despite being a servant of the gods, did not, and I believe still does not, understand their machinations, nor their illusions or how deadly they can be.

"It does, I'm sure you if you peeled back the masks of flesh he wore you'd find someone your order had spurned, in his rage he invited something in he should have left alone and it controlled him to its own end. Somewhere there is a very outraged godling who set this pebble in motion and is very dissapointed it didn't cause the complete avalanche." I could tell the army wasn't real when I necromanced the group, they were empty, completely devoid of any actual anima, just life force. That implies some kind of high minded illusion, or extremely mentally damaged people, I figured illusion since despite looking like clowns they appeared to actually be animated.

"I am not finished here." Siara said that more to herself than me. I was done there, sure I could have tracked down the god illusion character, or whatever had spawned this maurading army, but it wasn't my fight. Wasn't my care. I had business somewhere else (that being anywhere but where I was) and so I left. I found a fishing village south, chartered a boat back home, and wrote the whole thing off as a really bad weekend. Overall I think it was for the best.

Welcome to Burn Town

"I thought we left all the monsters back in the five fires." Siara had of course charged on into the fray. The "monsters" were more like a ravenous group of weirdos than "monsters".  They had painted their faces in blood, wore weird footware (probably why their tracks didn't show up?), and had ballistic meele weapons (gun swords is the best way I can explain it, they were as stupid as you can possibly imagine with that description). They surrounded us as per their dark instructions from whatever was leading this group of mercenary wackjobs with bulletswords and I had enough. I HAD ENOUGH!

I'd been running around for days, I hadn't been home, I just escaped from the five fires had a weird conversation with Hanlon and then was thrust to running after this group of wailing murderers of which now we're surrounding me. Siara was doing her rage induced best to kill the things, but they'd killed her order she wouldn't last long and I didn't want to die, because screw that madness. So I lost it.  The situation drove me to show the world why I should be feared. Why you may use fire to burn down the occaisional village, but I use fire to burn down entire armies. I showed that group of ravenous morons why they are afraid of people who use magic, because magic is dangerous (corruption be damned here).

I started with our barriers that were trapping us in town, taking the flame they had intended as a road block and I had it washing over the attackers like a flood unleashed. At first they didn't know what to do, suddenly fire was awash amongst them, then they started to scream and run. Those who fled died screaming as my waves followed them and smashed into them like a firey hammer. The ruin I left in my wake was jaw dropping (Siara just stood there in silence terrified of what I was unleashing she confided in me afterward). I could feel with my exertion the corruption gripping me, the madness taking over from so much magical power. Thankfully my sanity was still in check and some of the horde was near me, so I sliced my hand and threw my blood on them, whatever confusion they felt with the move was erased as my necromancy wrenched their souls from their bodies and reinvigorated my body (though funny thing they had empty minds, something that will come into play later).  The corruption at bay I squelched my firey waves and made my way out of the trap. The smoking corpses of our former attackers nothing but crispy reminders that messing with Trezlan Lorentino is not an optimum way to go about life. Of course outside of town was the rest of this ravenous group of idiots. Though they were much less inclined to fight us than before for some reason. Their leader a frail childish looking man looked on at me, he was dressed in what appeared to be human skin, his eyes wide in terror.

"So which one of you cupcakes is going to get me a drink?" And with that the battle was formally joined.

The Gods Apparently Don't Want You To Slow Down

I hate people on a mission. They don't slow down, they don't take breaks or let you rest for longer than like four hours before you are pushing on. No we have to run run run. I tell you its stuff like this that got me out of the adventuring game in the first place (well that and the fact I HATE ADVENTURING!). All of this to say I spent four days chasing after Siara, down the mountains, into a valley, and all the way to a coast.  Along the way we came across more scenes of terror and horror apparently the army we were following loved murder and pillaging, they did it everywhere all over the place. It made me kind of afraid we were following this murderous group of rampaging murder people (yes thats the best term for it).

We had arrived in a town that reeked of the sea (have I mentioned I hate the smell of the sea? I hate the smell of the sea) so I knew we were getting close to the coast. It looked like the usual slaughterfests we'd passed through, dead bodies, burning, ruined buildings etc etc. Until suddenly the bodies came to life and hideous creatures trapped us in from all angles (the town was the usual one road affair with buildings along it, so they pinned us in by blocking the roads). Siara was prepared for this and took out a long staff from her pack and invited the monsters on. Me I was terrified and trying to think of a way out of our predicament. You know my usual. I tell you I need to start being better prepared, I say this years later because it's still an issue. Almost like I never learn a lesson EVER!

Hanlon Conundrum

"So how is business?" Casual chats in the middle of ruined monasteries with weird not humans is my thing.

"I have no idea." It had been a while since I'd been by the shop, I hoped it was still standing, and not burned to the ground by an angry group of jerks who decided my store was an afront to the gods or something (it hasn't happened yet, but you know just me writing that could possibly have it happen).

"So I noticed when you weren't at your store for several weeks." Hanlon at times acts like he's a regular person who has regular person things like checking up on a colleague and being dissapointed they aren't there, but he's not and so this like everything else is a charade put on for my amusement. At least Siara was too wrapped up in her anger to even see Hanlon looking out of place talking to me.

"Well I kind of got wrapped up in some insanity." He smiled.

"Clearly."

"You know all about what I was up to don't you? That's how you knew to find me here, you have some kind of weird connection to me that I'm not aware of.  What in the five fires are you Hanlon?"

"A businessman Trezlan, much like you."

"Yeah I don't believe that at all."

"Believe what you will Trezlan, but I am no more than a merchant, I have things I sell, I have things I buy, and I have things I aquire, I have to say I do it on a grander scale than you do, but ultimately, you and I, we're in the same business in a lot of ways." I hadn't noticed Siara had stopped raging, I was too wrapped up in the mystique of Hanlon to notice anything. Well other than how suddenly cold my hands felt, and how confused I was about everything (per usual). Hanlon seemed to be looking through me, not talking, just standing there. It was kind of unsettling considering the setting and his appearence in it.

"So you aren't going to say anything else?"

"Who are you talking to?" It was Siara behind me, I turned to her and then back to Hanlon to introduce them, but to my surprise he was gone. As was any trace that he was there ever. No foot steps, no indentation from where he'd been standing. I tell you it wasn't the first time I wondered if I made up Hanlon, if not for his stamped weaponry sitting on my store shelves I'd have been really worried about my sanity (what little I have left considering the circumstances).

"Myself, I'm a bit nutty if you haven't figured it out." I figured I might as well go with the obvious. Siara was all packed up, and she had an additional pack I assumed for me. It was mostly just traveling supplies, but I did notice weaponry poking out of her pack.

"We have to go, the Gods have told me where I am needed." I didn't argue with a woman just getting over her grief. Even though I'm pretty sure the "gods" in this case were her own anger fed imagination, but I'd seen her fight and didn't want to get into that kind of argument. On top of that I didn't want to hang around the ruins of a monastery full of dead people in the middle of a cold mountain. So it really was, win win.  Still What Hanlon was doing up there was a mystery to me, and still is. That kind is just my own personal insanity.

No Reason Just Madness

I'm really really awful at empathy. Its not just the age though I'd like to blame it on that, but no I'm just really terrible with giving a shit about anyone's problems. I mean sure I try and fake it, but I'm terrible at faking it too. So when Siara looked at the ruined nature of her monastery and was on her knees sobbing the best I could do was pat her shoulder and uhh stand there. Look I just told you I'm terrible at empathy. Siara cried, she howled, and she spent time wandering around amongst the ruins seeking anything to explain what had happened.

I just stood there, I didn't have any connection to the monastery, never knew any of these people or their mission outside of what Siara had told me and so the best I could do was judge the ruins.  Whoever had destroyed the monastery did a really good job, no one had been left alive. Small arms fire was mixed with what appeared to be artillery and other types of explosive devices. What struck me as odd is that the attack couldn't have been that far out, but I saw no signs of the large army that must have done the job, nor any of their dead amongst the fallen (bodies in the monastery were pretty uniquely dressed like Siara). So the monastery was annihilated by an army that had arrived and dissappeared without leaving as much of a trace, yet was well armed enough to kill an entire group of well armed and trained people without suffering so much as one lost member.

I was standing outside of the gates just looking off into the distance while Siara raged behind me when I spotted one lone figure approaching the monastery. He was dressed in a black suit, had no horse or other means of traveling large distances, nor did he have any supplies. Only one other person (and I use that term very vaguely) traveled as stupid as I did.

"Trezlan." He nodded as he approached.

"Hanlon." What was he doing there? How did he find me? Was he the one who wiped out the monastery? All these things and more will be answered. Next Entry naturally.

Slow Down I Forgot My Endurance In my Other Coat

I always feel out of shape compared to just about everyone else. I mean despite ending up having to walk/run everywhere I never apparently develop any kind of stamina.  I'm guessing its all the drinking, smoking, and eating of meat without vegetables that does me in (curse you things that are delicious and bad for me!) All the same people should take this into account when they freaking run off without me! I'm hundreds of years old you assholes have some respect for your elders! But no people like Siara take off full sprint other places and I have to stumble to keep up with them.

I was saved by the snow actually (not saved in the sense it made it any easier to trudge along the mountain paths or anything because that was still a pain), I was able to follow Siara's path through the mountain passes (of which there were several winding paths). And then when I cleared the snowy passes it became obvious where Siara was going and why all of a sudden her foot steps had changed from deteremined walking to fast running.

The monestary was smoking. I smelled it before I saw it, at first mistaking the scent for someone burning meat on the mountainside (I don't know why I assumed that, I'm weird ok). Despite having smell burning human flesh before apparently I forgot what it smells like (probably out of necessity, I mean being able to instantly identify burning human puts you in a rare category of messed up). I'm sure in its prime the Monastery was a nice place, probably full of life and people, now it was partially destroyed, bodies were scattered in the snow, and the ones who remained were hung up and cooking.

I found Siara in the middle of it on her knees weeping. I couldn't fault her, it would be overwhelming for everyone you knew and loved to be dead.  Well overwhelming for other people, for me thats just another day on the calendar.  Ok so maybe I am messed up.

Well Thanks, I think

Siara and I had returned to the land of the living. It was weird, one moment we were standing in the five fires a bit surprised by the turn of events that sent the god child headless to some other afterlife (one that preferably god children go where they can't potentially take over). I couldn't immeadiately even tell where we were, it wasn't the island we started on, nor anywhere in Guard lands or Ronerawth (because I know how those areas look for the most part, for the most part I can see you rolling your gods damned eyes!).

"Ahh we're home." Siara apparently knew where we were, and it was home. All I could tell was we were in some kind of mountainous region, it was cold (though we came from somewhere hot, so it was relatively cold) and my sword was sticking out of the ground in front of us.

"Well I'm glad you know where we are, because I have no clue."

"From where we were we are north, very far north." Ahh it made sense, in that it didn't, but again geography is not my strong suit at all, I believe I have mentioned this.

"Fantastic, at least its not the afterlife so there is that."

"How did you manage to get the Fire God's attention? Some kind of incantation?" Never ever ask for me to explain my brilliance because well I can be quite verbose.  Let me just summarize something that took thirty minutes for me to explain.  Basically it came down to the god child had obscured his precence somehow this much I was certain, so all I had to do was get the Fire God's attention and she'd come down and remove the element that wasn't supposed to be there. I did that by impaling an earth god's weapon into the little bugger, because it created an element of the earth god in another god in the Fire God's realm, she obviously could see he was there and then removed him thusly.

"So you got lucky you are saying?" This was thirty minutes later obviously.

"No there were several working theories as to why that would work, and clearly it did so I did not just get lucky." Siara waved her hand away in the universal symbol for whatever and started walking off. I followed shortly after her because I had no idea where we were and I needed a way home. Which was something I'd been trying to do the last time I got sidetracked into god business! Thankfully no more God Business, not so thankfully, SOMETHING FREAKING ELSE!

And Just Like That

"So you're going to take all the souls down here (I assumed down I mean we went down to get in but its probably some kind of secondary plane of existence or something, no I didn't make this statement while talking, look this is my journal you just read it! maybe I dunno) go up to the land of the gods take over there and become the new overlord god of this world with all of your power?" I think I summarized what had brought us to that point pretty well. The God child (I refuse to call him by his ridiculous name) had a sad look on his face, like by me calling out the ludicrous plan it took power away from him. I also noticed the gigantic worm creature had turned around to face me, my sword still buried halfway into its left arm club. I did notice it had aquired a bit more marks from my captured companions.

"You make it sound like its not a very good plan." I am the lord of bad plans, and I'll admit, even this one was stupid from my perspective.

"Its not, you only exist down here because the Fire God does not know of you, as soon as she does, your done, your little petty empire crushed, on top of that you don't have the believers she does, you have power from your godling connection, but up there in the world of the living? You'll have nothing." It seemed right even though I'd seen how that could be wrong and right (look I don't fully understand the gods ok, I just think I do sort of). The God child looked at me with a sneer and with a wave of his hand the worm creature snatched me up (it had hands on the end of its clubbing arms sort of). I could see my sword just almost within my grasp on the worm creatures forearm, maddeningly just out of reach.

"True Mr. Lorentino, but you are a fount of life energy, and with your necromantic abilities I could challenge that Fire Bitch no problem." I am of course my own worst enemy telling my enemy his plan is doomed to fail without killing me.

"Yeah but you're forgetting one." Well several but one important thing.

"And that is?" I gathered my power and scorched the worm creatures arm. It dropped me, but not before I snagged my sword on the way down. I hit the ground running and brought the blade to bear on the God Child impaling it into his chest. He got a shocked look on his face and then kicked me with enough force to throw me backward.

"Foolish and stupid necromancer." He took the blade out and cast it aside, "What did you hope to accomplish stabbing me with your pathetic earth blade I am not some simple creature of evil, I'm the child of a god." He hadn't turned around and so he missed the Fire God standing behind him. It's hard to describe her as an entity to be honest. The first thing that struck me was she was completely naked (and fairly well endowed, because if you're a God I guess why not have large breasts?) The second was the large plumage of flame that was behind her, like a peacock it was cast behind her in a rainbow of color. She herself did not wield a weapon at first, but when she swung her hands a sword appeared and sheared the head off the Godling (right above the jaw causing a small burst of gore to erupt like a weird firework). The worm creature behind me faded, its passengers of souls suddenly free and in awe of the God that had sent them there.

And just like that she was gone. I never could make out her face, I was too transfixed at seeing her in person to make out anymore details other than the nakedness and fire plume (I'll admit this was more based on sexual nature than actual amazement at a god). So how did that all happen? Well... you'll have to read tomorrows entry.

Dead End, at the End You know Butts

Running by rows of tortured heroes as I plunged deeper into the worm beast was more than a little alarming (some had clearly been there a while from what I could see as I was fleeing by them). I mean so many questions to ask and so little time as I ran from weird tentacles looking for a way out. Of course I didn't find a normal way out, The worm just kind of ended (like a wall of flesh and ugly). It wasn't too surprising considering it couldn't go on forever or anything (I mean it was a creation of a god in the afterlife but it had to have something make sense about it!).

Sow hat did I do when faced with the end of the line and some tentacles emerging from the cavity waiting to trap me along side the other poor bastards? I blew some stuff up. Well by that I mean I unleashed my fire. Why you may ask now instead of earlier? Because I try not to go all "BURN EVERYTHING" right out of the gate, you want to understand a situation before you set it aflame and dance in the flames (ok don't dance in the flames). Also I hoped I dunno I could figure out a way out of the creature without having to try and burn my way out of it (I'm an optimist at heart). But no I had to use fire magic to burn my way out (darn it I so didn't want things to go that way!).

The thing I hadn't really noticed before despite using my fire magic was how much more powerful it was in the realm of the Fire God. Which is not to say that my magic came from any belief in her (well extra belief in her, clearly being in her afterlife, and using her own hand of god weapon not believing in her would be all kinds of stupid), but much like being in the midst of a burning building I could use more power, same principal here. So I intended on just throwing some flame seeing if i could burn my way out of what I assumed was the ass of the creature, but instead I overshot the mark and completely scorched the creatures ass right off.  Like where I was standing was one place, and then there was a gigantic fire hole from where I'd intended to toss some flame.

It was good news initially, thinking I could then turn around and hit the creature from a place it would not expect and rejoin my allies. But apparently from my time of being swallowed and running the length of the gigantic worm creature I'd been moved from my original position had somehow been deposited in a palace of eternal suffering (I said that from all the people chained to the walls and just general architecture). Out of the worm creature and into the inferno palance of suck as it were.

"Ahh Mr. Lorentino so kind of you to join us." The person who I assumed was the son of the god, had captured both Siara and Lorissia. He was dressed fairly normally a nice suit, blonde hair was style very casually, and he was wielding what appeared to be Scissors made from human bone and he had been up to my arrival cutting pieces off of Lorissia. Needless to say I was more than a little bit angry at my situation and things got a little less formal not to long after. Tomorrows entry natch.

Minor Indegestion

Getting swallowed (I improperly labeled this as eaten in yesterdays entry, if I was eaten there would be no entry because that implies I would have been chewed up, I was not chewed up) is unpleasant. I mean as a man not a lot of things can swallow you whole (thankfully, though that again does lead to actually being eaten, which can suck more than just a little bit, not that I have been, but I can imagine), but having been swallowed whole now I can definately tell you its not cool. You get to find out about the digestive system of whatever large creature you're in, what else it may have swallowed, and potentially how long you'll remain buried in its horrific guts (hopefully not too long, but seeing as my bowels tend to take quite a while depending on what I eat I can only imagine how hard it is to digest a Lorentino).

Thankfully the worm creature didn't appear to actually digest anything (I know crazy right some kind of scary beast from a land of punishment created by the child of a god didn't have a proper digestive system? MADNESS!). In fact what I found inside it was several other people! Yes the worm had been swallowing "good" souls in the five fires and its insides were keeping them trapped and in a state of torment (so not eating them but organs had wrapped themselves and through their victims, it was in a word, gross). I was not going to be impaled by worm guts to be held captive (because I am not an idiot, well lets ignore how I got inside the worm beast to begin with shall we? And done),so I threw some fire at the tentacle that came for me and ran off.

Yes my ultimate plan involved running deeper into the prison worm guts of a creature willed into being most likely by the child of a god in the punishment/reward land of another God I wasn't even that fond of. You see that recap of how weird my life is? That's weird right? Totally weird.

Towering InfernaMonster

"Your Turn." Lorissia was being her normal helpful self I recalled this kind of buck passing from when we used to hang out with each other. The beast was mainly mouth, which is to say it was kind of a huge worm with arms? Like I couldn't see legs, but it definately had arms because it was swinging massive clubs of meat. Honestly the whole thing was confusing because of the size of the creature and how the souls were supposed to be just damned people who messed up in life in not following the Fire God properly? What the crap did someone do to get turned into a huge worm creature? I was guessing this was the result of our little god child.

"You're so helpful!" I didn't see Siara, but I'd lost track of her after seeing her turn into a whirling dervish of death so I figured wherever she was things were dying and that would have to be good enough for me. So it fell to me to kill a gigantic creature in the Fire God's afterlife. I tell you there are times even I don't believe my own journal (usually when reading the shit Nidget has added to it). I took up my sword, and my best "This is the shit I have to deal with look" and charged after the gigantic worm creature (because when you are making a bad decision go all in, the Lorentino way).

Ordinarily I wouldn't be worried, necromancy is the gigantic hammer for every nail (except the nail on "how not to be creepily devoted to life thieving magic") but again all dead souls so there wasn't so much life energy motivating them as "punishment from cruel god". So improvised, dodging one of its huge arm clubs I swung my sword to hopefully cleave into it. Which it did, and then it got stuck and my grip was apparently poor so off it went with the huge flesh cudgel. Swordless as usual (I swear at times I carry that blade as a ritual item more than an actual weapon with as often as it gets taken away from me) I sought to burn the creature, which upset it and it promptly swallowed me naturally.

Naturally for me, I mean what would be the worst thing to happen? Getting eaten, what happened? I got freaking eaten.

Oh I'm Fine And You?

"So you look well." I sliced off one of the creatures multiples of arms (it had 6) and hit it with a burst of fire before beheading it.

"Thanks you too, still going I see." Lorissia pulled her bow around a creatures neck and then kicked it backwards cutting the head off an inventive use of a taut string if I ever saw one. We'd been attacked pretty much after Siara's revelation we were looking for a god child (almost as if whatever did the attacking planned for it that way).

"You know me I plan on living forever." The creatures had breached the wall of the church/fortress by igniting one of the bigger corpses and having the beast crash into the wall. During the distraction they had taken two of the six people who had been with us, we heard their cries of anguish in the distance.

"Well good luck with that." Her bow free from decapitating a creature Lorissia pulled back the string and fires off three shots rapid fire, one of them most have been an explosive arrow because the creature she hit exploded.

"Thanks, so how many times have you died down here?" I reached into the putrid guts of one of the dead creatures snagged what I hoped was flammable liquid (you can't tell with corpses, could be flammable could be excrement) and tossed it on to the other creatures before igniting it. Somewhere behind us Siara had taken up a staff and was busy sending body parts and creatures everywhere.

"Hundreds of times, its hard at first to get the hang of the five fires."

"Does it hurt?"

"Everytime, you have to reassemble yourself over time, its hard to explain, but basically I come back into being one injury at a time."

"Yeech, put me down for a new god in case I die." I could go for the ones that Oshujon follows, but I got the impression their afterlife was equally as awful.

"Blasphemy in her most sacred halls Trezlan." Lorissia said it with a smile, and I would have kissed her, if we weren't covered in guts and a creature that looked about the size of the building we were in hadn't smashed its clubbed fist inside. I tell you the afterlife is a horrible place to rekindle lost love!

Oh That Kind of Mistake

"We don't normally group up like this." Lorissia was explaining to us while we were inside their base of operations. There were six of them in total, and she was not wrong we hadn't seen a large grouping of good souls since we'd been in the five fires, I hadn't even really noticed it until she brought it up.

"What's changed?" Siara was listening intently, I was studying the architecture because it was amazing, a mix of old and even new stuff. I dunno how it was constructed or from what material, but I have to admit it had its charms and marvels (I tried to submit the design to an architect and after telling me my drawing made no sense he shut his door in my face, I tell you no one respects me!).

"Something is leading the corpses out there, they usually just attack in hordes, a couple larger more angry souls will put up a spirited defense, but mostly they just get mowed down, come back another day do the same thing." Lorissia looked out a boarded up window and then continued, " But recently they've been smarter, catching isolated people out there, and not killing them, no they have been chaining them up and torturing them, they are getting something out of it too, becoming less corpse like and more like us, some of them have even started using weapons."

Siara nodded, "Yes this was the fear when the child was sent here."

"Wait what? You had me thinking it was some poor kid just lost out there and suffering, are you telling me he's an actual problem FOR the five fires?"

"I told you nothing of the sort Trezlan, I just said a young boy was in the wrong place, I never told you he was innocent, you assumed that."

"What kind of young boy could lead an army of corpses?"

"The child of a god."

"Oh." Stupid gods and their stupid kids, I tell you its why I'm never going to have a child, I don't want to end up getting shivved because Trezlan Jr. decided I was better to him dead. Yes I assume a child of mine would end up exactly like me and kill his father, in that case I'd very much haunt his sorry ass until he died. YOU HEAR THAT ACCIDENTAL CHILD OF THE FUTURE YOU KILL ME AND I'LL HAUNT YOU UNTIL YOU KILL YOURSELF!

There ok got that out of the way feeling better.

And You Thought You had Problems With Ex's

"You can't be here." Its what I kept telling Siara, but now one of the good souls was telling us that. It was nice that they finally reacted to us, prior to that I was worried they couldn't even see us, or worse saw us as threats. We had arrived at a structure that looked like a cross between a traditional followers of fire church, and a fortress. It seemed like a good place to get our bearings and try and locate the lost soul. The church entrance was of course barred by a couple of burly looking soldiers who probably had been fighting this unending wars for longer than Siara had been alive (but not me, because damn it I'm old).

"We know that, but we need your help to find someone." Siara just seemed to trust people to help her, I guess when you're on a mission from your gods you just assume everyone you come across is there to help you. Which to be honest seemed to be the case with her. The two soldiers looked at each other and then remained steadfast.

"Oh come on help the lady its not like we can screw up your eternal war or anything." I mean seriously, you fight eternally as a reward, whats the big deal if you help a coulple people get out of a place they shouldn't clearly be? That's like complaining someone is lost in your house and then you don't help show them the exit.

"Trezlan? Trezlan Lorentino?" The voice came from inside and it was instantly recognizeable to me. It had been hundres of years since I last saw her, but you never forget the first woman you loved (well ok currently I haven't forgotten her, later on in my life I might actually, another reason to write this journal, the inconsistency of memory). Lorissia looked just like I remembered her (sort of I mean she was a soldier in an eternal war for hundreds of years now, clearly she looked a little different), she still had her bow, though it was now adorned with skulls and other weirdness, I could also see a pistol so she had upgraded her ranged awareness in the afterlife as well.

"Well this is awkward." It totally was, I mean I wasn't even there for her death. Sure I take care of her grave, but its not like she knows that. On top of that, how do you say "So how's death treating you?" It was also as this point I remembered I'd known quite a bit of followers on my time on this spinning ball of rock and I shouldn't have been surprised that I ran into at least one while in their afterlife. Lorissia ran past the guards and hugged me (but no kissing, because sensibilities, that and I was kind of coated in corpse guts).

"What are you doing here?" It was almost accusatory, but to be honest she knew I wasn't a believer, nor would I become one. And like the others she could tell I was actually alive.

"We're looking for a young boy named Yulio, he also should not be here." Siara answered of course since I didn't even know the stupid little boys name (don't be surprised, you probably wonder about facts I leave out all the time, wonder no more I never ask anything when I'm tasked with something ridiculous, I prefer to go with the flow, even though it has proven repeatedly to be a bad idea).

"Well that begins to answer some things." And like everything else, things just took a turn for the you guessed it, totally better. Not at all the truth on that last bit.

In the Afterlife You better Run For your Life

So what was the five fires like you ask (because you just have to ask everything reader who I'm imagining). It was like a history of warfare combined with horrific reassembling corpse monstrosities who want nothing more than to eat you. All the while you are encountering "good" souls who are fighting the fight against the monstrosities. Amidst this both me and Siara were looking for one soul who did not belong there (which seemed like trying to find a needle in a stack of explosive corpses who are trying to eat you).  Now one thing I did know about the Fire God's afterlife was if you were a good soul, you couldn't really die (because you're already dead) the same with the bad ones, it was an eternal conflict, but since neither I nor Siara were actually dead I wondered what would have happened if we died? I'm guessing nothing very good. I also knew that necromancy would not work, because again everything was freaking dead.

So basically Siara and I ran like crazy while a constant conflict exploded around us, using all the kinds of weaponry I've ever heard of in the history of time. It would have been a great lesson in warfare if I wasn't actively avoiding to die. Siara lived up to her order, dispatching enemies in rapid divinely inspired fashion. I didn't notice her magical ability before, but with each swing of her plated fists I could see a spark of what appeared to be white energy. It wasn't lightning, or fire, it was just I dunno goodness? It was hard to explain, I only knew it would explode corpses into pieces and we direly needed the ability since my fire while good was limited by corruption and her weird light fists not at all (at least not that I could see from how she was using it). The weird thing to me was that the "Good" souls didn't seem to see us at all. For all I know they did not, which kind of made sense but didn't, but again we were running like crazy the whole time so like everything else in the crazy five fires I had questions I didn't get answered.

All of this to say we found our way to a more intact than usual building and thats where the real trouble started. As always, when something looked to be going good, it actually was about to go to shit. Also known as the Lorentino Optimism!

Even Gods Make Mistakes

"Gods make mistakes Mr. Lorentino." We were walking and talking, the land of the five fires (or the one fire, we weren't in all five I don't think? Look it was hard to figure out how I wound up in the afterlife while still being quite alive, let alone figuring out what to call it!) was not one where you stopped and waited around. What was weird (weird being of course a matter of degrees considering the circumstance) the "good" outcome for a Follower of fire was also getting sent to the Five Fires, except! You are armed and wage a constant battle against the "bad" people, such is the problem of following a religion of conflict, even when you win, you lose.

"Yeah I see that already, I mean we're here, we're clearly not dead, this is obviously a mistake."

"The only mistake with us, is you, I was tasked with coming here by the Gods, you tagged along like a moron because apparently thats what you do." That comment hurts, it hurts my soul.

"So you were chosen for this role?"

"Yes it is my orders job to come to places like this and fix mistakes."

"And yet your order does not know how to open the door?" It seemed pretty stupid to send someone to a place and not instruct them in the means of opening the door to where they were going! So very stupid!

"This particular door was supposed to be open, it was not, I asked for assistance you arrived, it worked out." For everyone who wasn't me it worked out.

"So what was the mistake that brought you here?"

"A young boy was not supposed to be in the five fires, I'm here to get him out."

"Reasonable, and how do we escape when you have the soul of the boy?"

"The gods will provide."

"Wonderful." It really was wonderful. The gods will provide a way out of their eternal torment/reward, for a couple of people there to fix a mistake of a God that the god themself did not want to correct (apparently the gods don't like to admit they make mistakes, so instead they send people in to fix them and keep things quiet, sounds exactly like anyone else in power ever to be perfectly honest). Though technically I was also a mistake, so bang up job Fire God two souls that shouldn't be in your suffering pit of suffering! Keep up the bad work!

Ok This Was Not a Good Idea

Two hours went by before I finally gave up trying to get by the door. Two hours of pointless pleading, reading, and a little bit of crying (look I'm secure enough in who I am to admit I cried). When I finally started down the path to go deeper in I felt a sense of foreboding. The walls were too smooth (and unmarked) the path felt too steep and slick as well, like whoever made it wanted me to think it was made by water, but it was not (again water doesn't make a spiral cave path!). My hesistance in the path was highlighted when my footing gave way and I came sliding down the corridor landing smack dab into a pile of bones and recent bodies (I could tell recent from all the blood and gore) not far from me was Siara, she had on a pair of spiked gloves and was doing her best to punch her way through a half corpse that was double her size. I could see from the destruction, despite not getting after her for two hours she wasn't that far ahead of me, the density of her attackers was just that numerous. I assisted Siara by burning the over sized corpse creature and it exploded (unintentional side effect, think about it though, all those rotting corpse gasses in a walking shambling body, prime for explosion should fire be added) the force of the explosion threw Siara on to a body near me.

"You're welcome." It was the least I could do, literally any less and I'd say I did nothing.

"I did not need your assistance." Brief unappreciative, just like women are always to me.

"Sure you didn't, so why are the corpses of the living damned attacking you?"

"Have you ever heard of the five fires?"

"The bad place you go when you die and you believe in the Fire God." I'd heard briefly about their downward destination if only to find out a possible destination if I didn't change my ways.

"The very same, this is one of them." It didn't make sense, except it did, and I didn't want to know what Siara was doing there, or what I was doing there, we were both alive! But it turns out you don't have to die to wind up in the five fires, and on top of that not everyone there, should even be there! I tell you the more I learn about the afterlife the more I want to avoid it entirely!

One Way Trip

I was frantically trying to find a way out of the door that had shut behind us. Amongst my discoveries was the fact I wasn't the only person who had been trapped like a rat behind this door and wanted to leave. Amongst frantic writing etched in with fingernails, were marks left by fingernails trying to claw their way out. At least I wasn't at that stage yet, I was just frantically reading like a mad man.

"The door won't open Lorentino." Siara was using her calm rational voice, which was the opposite of how I felt.

"You don't know that, I could find a way, or I could burn it open, fire solves everything."

"Not this, its a one way door, we'll have to go in to get out." I didn't like the way she said that, and so while she left me to go deeper in I continued trying to open the door even though the bones nearby seemed to indicate what she was saying was true.  I hate just admitting things like that! I have to keep trying futiley to escape at whatever cost! I think that philosophy is why I still am a necromancer, the idea of dying is too horrible to even ponder. Its why I didn't want to go deeper into the cave, because I couldn't be sure what was down there, or what was waiting and how I could get out. On top of that some of the things I'd read on the outside of the door about the nature of what may lay below was utterly terrifying. No I won't tell you what that is, I want to just leave you thinking about what it could be! No it wasn't fluffy kittens, there is never a cave full of fluffy kittens.

I Did Not Open That

She kept drumming her fingers against the wall, I'd been trying to read up on some warning, but had to keep stopping because of the damned finger drumming. I swear with her armored gloves the noise was amplified to extreme levels of bothering the crap out of me. I mean I have bothered people a lot over my hundreds of years of existence, but Siara's gods damned finger tapping took annoyance to a whole new plane of annoyance. Like if a screeching child was on part of the scale, Siara's damned finger tapping would make a screeching child seem like a great symphony that moves you to tears.

"Stop that."

"Stop what?"

"That horrific finger tapping, you're going to kill me." She looked a bit astonished I was even bothered.

"I didn't realize it bothered you."

"You didn't see me wincing with each individual, YOU'RE DOING IT AGAIN WHILE I'M TALKING TO YOU!" She literally started again while I was talking, which would have been another large shouting conversation had the door not just opened. I hadn't touched anything, or said anything to do it, which had me be really really leery of the door just opening.

"Good job!" She was about to rush in when I grabbed her arm.

"I didn't open that door at all, shouldn't we wait out here or something?"

"No my mission is inside that doorway, I must comply with the Gods." Far be it from me to dissuade a Zealot from a suicide mission, but this just seemed stupid beyond my normal.

"If I didn't open it though, how will we open it when it closes behind us?" It seemed like a rational question, doors don't just open on their own, and if they do, you can be damned sure they'll close on their own. She shook off my hand and went inside, against my smarter judgement I followed after her. "You aren't even bringing food?"

The door of course slammed shut behind us, the only illumination coming from somewhere deeper into the cave the door was keeping us out of. I couldn't make out much, but it appeared the cave spiraled down unnaturally (because caves are not built like that by water, I'd explain it, but its way way too boring even for me), and again was illuminated also unnaturally.

"Well, shit." That's all I could think of, I hate when I specifically call out whats going to happen right before it happens. It feels like being the worst fortune teller ever.

A Little Patience Its All I Ask

"So?" The shorties had lead us to the door. I say door, but it was more like a gigantic arch scribed into the side of a mountain. It was weird that this huge construction was on a seemingly uninhabited island in the middle of the sea, which also of course lead to the sense of foreboding I felt. Clearly whoever had constructed this, did not want anyone opening it ever.

"So what?" I was reading six different languages, most of them dead, and most of them just insane gibberish, Siara was of course getting bothered by how long it was taking. I tell you people don't understand ancient languages are not exactly written with modern cadence, let alone written to be easily interpreted later. On top of that an object sits for however long it'll aquire a bunch of stupid additions that are written over the important ones (dumb crap like "Bill was here," and "Damn this is a big door" only in ancient languages instead of their modern equivelent). So I was sorting through a lot of garbage and trying to read languages I was using someone elses memories to decipher (don't think about that too hard you'll hurt yourself), which takes time.

"Well open the door."

"Oh that's what I'm trying to do, let me just turn the handle and we'll be in." Sarcasm apparently did not work since Siara seemingly expected me to do just that. "I can't just turn the handle and let us in." I went back to reading, it was rather fascinating stuff (which also slowed me down, because when I'm reading something I like to read I get all involved and forget why I was reading it in the first place, like instead of seeing where one thread about opening goes, I was more interested in why a person wrote an entire paragraph about a farming village from somewhere else, riveting to explain I know).\

"I'm going back to the village to get some torches, I forsee this will be a long evening."

"It's night time?" I hadn't even noticed, but Siara was gone and probably didn't like my question to begin with. Everytime I work with other people I'm reminded why I don't like doing that. Sure you get extra security and saftey, but then you also have to deal with their constant nattering annoyance and complete stupidity while you do all the damn work! Which is something I want someone else to deal with that isn't me!

Your Gods Are Dicks

"Wait explain this to me." I say this a lot, I swear it'll be on the tombstone I'll never have.

"I already told you, I asked my gods for assistance and you were delivered to me." We were eating, the shorties despite being cannibals (is it really cannibals being that they eat people taller and better than them? Seems more like parasites, BOOM IN YOUR FACE SHORTIES!) cooked vegetables really well. I couldn't exactly identify what the plants were, but they were delicious. Siara was the lady in the armor, she was very religious though I could not tell which religion she believed in other than some concept of "Gods" it wasn't like she was interested in giving me an entire run down on her belief system despite me asking several times for that exactly.

"Your gods not only brought me here, but told you specifically I'd be coming?" It seemed a little outlandish, coming from me you know how crazy that must seem!

"Yes they did, they told me to expect Trezlan Lorentino a scholar, you are indeed Trezlan Lorentino correct?"

"Yes I am."

"And you are a scholar?"

"Sure lets go with that." I like to think of my self as a master of lore, a loremaster as it were, but scholar sounds lofty enough for my ego.

"Then you are who the gods delivered to me, you'll help me deciper the doorway." The "doorway" as she called it was a rather large monument in the middle of the island that supposedly lead to a place of evil that had to be blah blah blah, basically she needed me to open a stupid door and she didn't understand the language, so she asked her gods for help and they crashed my boat into this island so I could do just that (because they are dicks).  The doorway was the reason the shorties (also ship wreck survivors of the distant past, though they were slaves) spoke so many weird languages. The door was written in several languages, and so the barely intelligent little bastards had cribbed their language from it. Which would have been really interesting to study if they weren't shorties (because honestly who cares about the language habits of shorties? NO ONE NO ONE CARES!)

So yes I was delivered to an island in the middle of the ocean to open a door to a place of evil, because no matter who the gods are, they are complete dick holes. Especially to me. At least you get to read this journal, I HAVE TO LIVE THIS GARBAGE!!!