The Evolution of the I Told You So

There are times when you are sitting alone underground being driven insane by a slow watery drip, that you question your life. You wonder for instance where decisions you have made in the past bring you to places in your present you could have easily avoided. You also wonder what the color pink tastes like, and how many seperate imaginary friend converations you have to have before you start to question your sanity (or your existence to begin with, that's always a fun nutty conversation). So it wasn't too startling to see myself in the cell with me. I mean I came to expect this level of nuttery.

"You should have listened to Hanlon." I'm always judgemental of me, its weird.

"Listened what? He just told me I was in over my head, which is the case, ALWAYS! I don't know why he thinks this time was special." This should have been my first clue to maybe just maybe this me was not me, since me didn't know what I knew, which is strange to put down but made perfect sense in retrospect.

"You still know where he is, you can call for his help."

"Locked up in a cellar? Right let me shine my Hanlon signal and he'll be right by to get me." Again me seemed completely unaware of things, but I've grown so used to being crazy I just let it go.

"Trezlan we both know we can't get out of this on our own."

"That's bullshit, I'll figure something out, or I'll suffer for years, have a huge psychotic break and then, well at least I won't have to worry about sanity!" The first one happened, not the second, though I do write to my journal like I speaking to an audience. The other me who wasn't actually me persisted and we chatted, mostly about my conditions, but he kept being insistent on Hanlon. I never knew I fixated on Hanlon so much in my life, and turns out I actually don't. Crazy eh?

Hospitality Wasted

"THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE!" Mr. Clean suit had lost his cool, I could see the fraying edges around his personality immeadiately (and not just because he was yelling at me). I brought back his money, I just told him Hanlon told me he wasn't interested. He was completely unreasonable, and I don't know why. I mean not every one wants to do business with revolutionaries that are clearly unstable and possibly failure prone, also Hanlon for whatever reason seemed to be especially not willing to work with this group.

"I showed him the money, he didn't bite."

"My men reported you never met with Hanlon Trezlan."

"You're men are bad at paying attention, I met with him, we talked shop, he said no, I suspect we are done here." About here is when I felt every muscle in my body tense up and then I hit the floor like a dumb sack of potatos.

"If I can't do it the easy way I'll do it the hard way, this will go bad for you Lorentino." With that he ordered his men to pick me up and away I was drug to some horrific cellar area that smelled worse than the camp before and had a constant water drip that drove me more crazy than being shackled alone under the ground.  I tell you at times I think my curiosity for situations gets the better of me. I should in the future just burn everyone and call it a day, but no I'm an idiot and I just have to know "How bad can this get?" REALLY FREAKING BAD TREZLAN STOP WONDERING!

Hanlaportation

Three days I rode around with three very burly looking men looking for Hanlon. And for three days I came up with nothing. The men were there to be my "bodyguards" but I'm pretty sure they were jailers and more assigned to watch the money than me (couldn't blame them considering my history). I was in the middle of urinating while the guards stood on their horses and harumphed (they never had to go the bathroom, or eat, or talk, they were the worst traveling companions I ever had save Nidget). When Hanlon appeared next behind the tree I was marking. It was enough to cause me to let out a startled yelp and almost piss on myself.

"Quiet Trezlan or they'll hear you." His voice was low almost hissing.

"Oh I'm sorry Hanlon, I'll try and react better when people appear behind trees I'm pissing on." I didn't think it was unreasonable.

"Make sure that you do. What in the five fires are you doing Trezlan?"

"What do you mean what am I doing? You're the war maker who started this."

"I did not start this conflict!"

"They were using your weapons!"

"They stole them from me, shockingly despite your lack of any discernible morals Trezlan you're the only person who has not directly stolen from me, a fact I'm sure only the Gods themselves could laugh about." In a way I was kind of proud of this fact.

"Well now they want to pay for them, the rough looking men behind me are willing to front the money." He looked aghast at the suggestion.

"I would never support such stupidity."

"You just supported a revolution!"

"TO PREVENT THEM FROM FALLING TO THIS ONE!" He almost shouted, I turned to make sure my "guards" hadn't noticed, they had not, though I knew I couldn't keep up the converation for long, I mean past a certain point people suspect you're doing more than peeing and thats not a rumor I wanted started.

"You are a very weird businessman Hanlon."

"Trezlan there are forces at work here you can not begin to understand, and thats all I'll say, now get away from these gentleman and help me end this pointless war." With that he was gone, if he was ever really there to begin with. You know at times I wonder if I make Hanlon up? Which is patently ridiculous, because there is no way I'd ever create a personality who despises me so much, I mean I already have Nidget (now you have to wonder if Nidget is real as well, aren't I nice?)

The Newest Kind of Warfare

"This is all terribly embarrasing mind you Mr. Lorentino if I knew who you were I would never have allowed my men to capture you at the port." The man in charge of the camp I was at looked more businessman than soldier. He was wearing an impeccably neat suit for the kind of dirty camp he was living in. He had ordered me be set free of my bindings and the gag mercifull removed.

"Well these are troubled times." I was confused to say the least, but not confused enough to let them free Nidget, I told them its best to leave him where he is for the time being, because I'm a dick. He had a very nice breakfast brought in with fresh coffee, it ws very delicious, though it concerned me again considering how awful his war camp looked, how or where the food was prepared and what I was actually eating.

"Lets get down to business shall we?"

"Please."

"I'll be blunt Mr. Lorentino the war effort is not going well, our initial supplies are depleted and the guard is in fairly entrenched positions, with good central leadership, our group is scattered around the map and seemingly working independent of each other." It was interesting he was willing to just share all of his troubles with someone who like myself who is not known for loyalty. But again things were bad and I'm sure it wasn't hidden info to begin with.

"Well I'll have to check my store, if its still standing, might be able to get you like six maybe seven pistols, couple of rifles, some other random junk." He laughed took a drink of coffee and flashed me a smile that was more sinister than happy.

"I don't need your stock, I need your supplier."

"Hanlon."

"Yes, Mr. Hanlon has assisted other revolutions and we feel our cause is just, if you could only convince him to lend us a hand." This came as a bit of a surprise that he already wasn't helping them, I figured from all of their firepower at the start of the conflict this was Hanlon's handy work.

"Well I can't simply conjure him out of thin air." Except when it appears I can do exactly that, but its never been something I brought about.

"Naturally Mr. Lorentino, I can provide you resources to seek out Mr. Hanlon and entreat him to aid us in this unpleasant business. I'm sure my offer will to say the least get him interested." He opened a nearby chest and it was full of gold and other expensive things. Hanlon never struck me as the type to care about a paycheck, but I do love money, so I didn't want to let that little nugget of info drop.

"I'll get right on that."

"No no finish your breakfast first." I had no way of finding Hanlon, or even knowing what I would say when I did, but I did have a chest full of gold which I could claim some responsibility for. So my day wasn't totally shot!

Welcome Back To War Already in Progress

"Can I tell you how happy I am we are back at a war Trezlan because I'm so happy." We were traveling in a cage having been captured at port shortly after arriving along with the rest of our ship. I was not shackled or gagged, but felt it best to just go along I had no idea who this group was or why they decided taking people hostage is the way to go about winning a war.

"You could have stayed behind where we were, I'm sure your situation would be pretty similar to this one." Nidget and I were rated more special since we were alone in our cage, the rest of the ships crew kind of got penned in a larger cage, so at least they recognized our superiorness to the rabble.

"Trezlan I know you enjoy being in cages, but some of us think higher of ourselves." The uniforms of our captors were not the guard's colors, which told me we were being held by the force they were fighting. Well kind of, I mean they weren't so much uniforms as ugly leather, we could have just been kidnapped by slavers, in which case well sucks to be Nidget.

"Shut up the both of you before we have to gag you." One of the hopefully not slavers (they weren't slavers), adr

"Sir's you can't lock us up and then gag us thats just rude dickery you've already captured us, there is nothing to be gained from gagging us!" And that's when I got gagged. Nidget of course was happy, yet silent to avoid his own gagging. So I traveled the rest of the time with a dirty rag in my mouth until we got to a muddy camp that smelled like latrines were not properly being taken care of (I'll leave that to your imagination what that means). I was seperated from Nidget, brought to a decently dressed up tent and tied to a chair. Still gagged though, so while my housing situation moderately changed, the annoyance of being gagged and tied up was canceling it out.

And things were about to get worse/better. Part of one, part of the other, so my usual.

Don't Write, Don't Come Back

"And so you are done here for a time Mr. Lorentino, say at least five years." The inspector was so nice he saw Nidget and I to the docks and even booked passage on a ship out of town. True we were going back to a warzone but compared to murderous cults, and fear monsters this was the better play. I mean war I can deal with, stupid beaurocracy? Completely out of my hands.

"Well its been really awful, so five years sounds like on the low side for my return." I don't believe he thought I was who I claimed to be (no one ever believes I'm Trezlan, well aside from nutty cultists and even then I can get them to question their belief).

"Yeah your hospitality sucks." Nidget just had to get in a parting shot. The inspector just did a little wave and walked off.

"He was kind of rude you know."

"Did he torture you too?"

"Yes the seat I was placed on had no cushion it was brutal." Nidget looked at me cross and walked toward the boat. The lands of the west are always a place I'll think of fondly. Mostly because I remember what I want to remember of the place and not what its actually like, much like everything else I do. My favorite places are the ones I'm not currently in.

Fierce Opponent

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" Nidget was screaming all by himself in a middle of an empty hallway. I walked up and tapped him on the shoulder he was still screaming, which prompted me to slap him across the face hard. He shook himself looked at me astonished and then seemed to sit there in a stupor for a second.

"Are you still with me Nidget?" It seemed like a fair question from someone who looked like he was having some kind of mental breakdown.

"I swear I was being skinned alive, what happened Trezlan?"

"Other than a dream of mine not actually coming true, nothing Nidget, I fixed the issue we can go now." He got up still looked confused.

"You fixed the issue? Did you find my family still hear with the artifact or something?"

"Nope, they are probably long gone, if they were your family in the first place, you're far too trusting Nidget." Yes I admit telling Nidget he's too trusting after gettin conned by a cult is a bit hypocritical. But I'm a dick so its ok.

"So how did you stop the ghosts? Necromancy? Fire? Some ancient spell that will cost you down the road?" Nidget's suggestions spoke to him reading my journal a little too often for my tastes.

"I ignored them."

"What?"

"Yeah turns out the 'ghosts' weren't ghosts at all, nor were they related to the theft at all, apparently they were some kind of fear creatures, that got power from working on peoples fears, the more you were afraid, the stronger they got, and then they sucked your life out through your fear."

"Wow that's really weird."

"I know, so by ignoring them I did the opposite, they expended too much energy to try and kill me and ultimately died from the effort, I literally ignored them to death."

"This is like the best day ever for you isn't it?"

"Yes Nidget, yes it is." And so I defeated something by ignoring it, a strategy I've tried to apply to Nidget, Taxes, and laws for quite some time to little effect.

Nope Not Even A Little Bit

"Come on this is pretty scary." The booming voice was gone, the wailing of the damned also gone. Now it was just a dude holding his own head in his hands complaining. Honestly I prefered the more grandiose elements.

"You're just a regular headless ghost, the only thing scary about that is that you think it could be scary." I was examining where the jewel had gone. There didn't appear to be any magic connected to it, no locked in soul or anything. It was just a really pretty coffin with an adornment. I was suspecting the ghosts as it were were not actually connected to the theft at all, some kind of murderous boredom.

"Are you so jaded all of this does not effect you at all?" The ghost was actually kind of sad in a way, clearly he wanted something from me, and since I was not giving it to him he was completely lost. I also noticed most of his "scary" effects were weaking I think my ignoring him was actually hurting him. Which was hilarious.

"I'm busy ok, I can't just drop everything to be all terrified of you, you aren't very scary to be honest, not even part spider or god, or spider god."

"You're a dick you know that, you're just a complete dick, I've gone through all of this effort for you, and you don't appreciate any of it!" I had now heard everything, a ghost complaining I was not giving him the proper respect.

"I'm sorry did you say something?" He faded again, I could see him sulk off. So not only did I not show him respect I hurt his feelings.  I had accomplished everything in my life I had ever intended on doing. Not really, but it did feel pretty damned awesome to ignore a ghost to death.

Let Me Get Right On That

"YOU WILL DIE!" The voice reverberated throughout the museum as I continued my search for whatever Nidget's family stole. It occurred to me I should have asked more forcefully what they were stealing, I mean they didn't directly let him know, but they could have at least told him the size of thing they were stealing.

"You are not helping Nidget, I swear first you run out of the room and now you are playing around with some bull horn." If you ignore ghosts they will eventually get frustrated and leave, probably, if these were ghosts and I wasn't exactly sure of that.

"YOUR FRIEND IS WITH US WE WILL RIP HIM APART!"

"I didn't know you were into self harm Nidget." I'd gotten my search down to a few objects, I figured if I just looked for what was missing I could easily determine what kind of issue I was dealing with.

"YOU WILL NOT IGNORE THE VOICE OF THE EMPEROR!" That was a hint, or Nidget being stupid, but I did have an object that was connected with an empire in my pile of things that might have been stolen. Then again Nidget also calls himself an emperor so maybe this was all an elaborate set up by him to make me think something was going on? Again I signed on to deal with ghosts, but nothing started happening until I brought Nidget there, so clearly he did something or was somehow involved with it. I made my way past what appeared to be the graphic torture of a group of children and into a larger hall portion that had all the hallmarks of recent robbery (which brings up the question, why didn't I just look for that to begin with? Because foolish person than I wouldn't have had the cards to know what was missing! And I totally didn't think about it).

I could see where explosives had been used, a bunch of priceless pieces of junk were broken and left scattered and a huge sarcophagus in the middle was missing what appeared to be a really large gem. I was about to try and investigate the gem and match it up with the card of what the exhibit was, when the room became a spinning vortex of wailing souls.

"Ok I get it you want my attention, good gods, WHAT DO YOU WANT!?"

"FOR YOU TO DIE!" The wailing increased.

"Well that's just unreasonable." And so I continued to ignore the horrifically scary things in front of me. And hilariously it actually kind of worked, more on that next entry!

Everything Is Completely Fine

"The walls are bleeding Trezlan." Nidget and I had moved on from the entrance way into the museum into a smaller what appeared to be filing area for different exhibits. It was a tactical retreat after the screams got louder and the hallway pulsed in red.

"You're exagerating they are merely dripping red, probably from rust." Much like my grandfather clocks and bad lighting theory this was incorrect.

"You still don't have any idea how to solve this issue at all do you?" Nidget was hiding under a desk, for all the good that would do. I was standing up perusing some of the libraries information. Mainly I was looking for what object Nidget's family might have stolen (he had no idea what they took). The museum records were facinating, so many different things had come in, there was a plethora of information I could have gotten lost in for weeks. Unfortunately I was looking for a needle in a stack full of needles all the while the room around me was bleeding and being all spooky. On top of that Nidget was being a little asshole, so my life was one of complete annoyance at everything.

"Trezlan I just saw a headless person walk by the door!" Nidget's tone suggested terror, clearly he just needed to relax.

"Nidget please your incessant prattling is not assisting me in locating what your family stole, nor are your silly halucinations. If there was a headless ghost it wouldn't have walked by the door it would have walked into the door, it doesn't have a head to see correct? Stop being silly." I tell you rationality is not something Nidget is good at.

"Trezlan for someone claims to be the top ghost killer you really seem to ignore them."

"They desire attention Nidget, sure the blood is now spelling out they intend on stringing us up by our intestines like puppets, but you have to realize Nidget, its all just to scare you."

"It's working Trezlan I'm scared."

"Don't worry its an idle threat they can't actually do anything." At that point Nidget was pulled from the room by an unseen force screaming. I have to admit, I kind of liked the quiet. Yes I'm a terrible person.

Ghosts are Like Children

"I still fail to see how this involves me." Nidget well to an extent, we were locked in a museum with murderous spirits and would not be let out until we solved the issue, but hey freedom!

"Your dumb family stole the object that got this whole place haunted to begin with." The museum was large, really large. And full of random artifacts, all of which could have been the cause of the horrific hauntings (people had been murdered already, their gory remnants were our welcome to being locked inside the huge building, it was also the first time I cursed the stupidity of having agreed to such a deal so readily).

"You can't prove any of that."

"True Nidget, but I got us out of prison I think you should at least be thankful for my gods damned resourcefullness."

"Thank you Trezlan for getting us out of one situation and tossing us into a new one with murderous ghosts."

"Sarcasm noted, but I don't care because I can handle ghosts, ghosts are something I do well." They are seriously what I'm really good at, and not just because I've killed a ton of people and have dealt with ghosts as a matter of course of my everyday life.

"Haven't you almost died to ghosts several times? And we don't even know if this is ghosts, could be something else."

"Don't harsh my happiness Nidget."

"You keep saying that Trezlan, I don't think the phrase is taking off." It was true harsh my happiness was my attempt at adding to the world around me, and the world as it so often does to prophets completely rejected it!

"Don't harsh my..." My sarcastic reply was interrupted by an ungodly scream and the entire museum being bathed in an ugly red light.

"Trezlan I think we may have run across what killed the last group of guys."

"Well either that or some really terribly inopportune lighting combined with the worst grandfather clock in the world." It was not bad lighting and the worst grandfather clock in the world.

Conversations Are my Favorite Battlefields

My accomodations were polite, a bit sparse on decor, but still nice. Decently comfortable chair, no Nidget, if not for the shackles I'd almost forget I was arrested. I'm sure Nidget had it worse (he most certainly did) but being afforded respect in a foreign land after my ordeal was very pleasant. I waited for my jailor to arrive, a polite man in his upper fifties, greying hair and beard, a bit thin but it looked like from exercise and not malnutrition.

"Sorry about the wait Mr. Lorentino I was just asking your associate about his activities yesterday, he tells quite the tale."

"You know that Nidget, always a kidder." I didn't want to directly admit to murdering a whole bunch of people, its one of those awkward conversation starters.

"Ahh so thats his name." And here is where I realize I was being played, oh well selling out Nidget is not exactly something I traditionally avoid.

"Well its clearly not mine." I tried to play it cool, not admit that I just gave up my partners name, at least I didn't say his last name.

"And so I'm to believe you were not involved with the robbery?" He had brought his breakfast with him and started eating it in front of me. I figured this was a play to make me more cooperative with an offer of food, thankfully I'd just eaten and my internal hunger is so messed up I can go days without eating (thanks to all the starvation training I've done, yes starvation training not just getting lost in areas devoid of food).

"No I was tied up with something else at the time."

"And you have no idea where the object was taken?"

"To be honest Nidget and I are hardly associates, more like common personal interests from time to time, not exactly friends if you catch my drift."

"Of course of course, and you both use the Lorentino name here because you know he's a bit of a legend."

"Well that and I am Trezlan Lorentino." He smiled, the kind of smile you give someone saying something crazy and you're being polite.

"Of course you are."

"So what's the pitch?"

"The Pitch?"

"What's your play, what do you want me to do to balance the scales?" The room was comfortable, but I value my time.

"Well you are infinitely more intelligent then your associate. So allow me to explain our problem and how you factor into its resolution." And so I was enlisted to do something. Look I'm being vague, setting the hook I'm sure astute reader you know all about my methods.

Confessional

"And so I thought they were the right cult, turns out they were some nutjobby cult, I spent a lot of time tied to where you found me." We were seated at a cafe, at first I was worried they wouldn't take my money, but everyone loved precious metals and gems, everyone. Nidget was across from me drinking from a hilariously oversized for him cup.

"You just went with the first group you ran across?"

"Nidget don't judge me, how was your family?"

"They made me pretend to be insane while they stole something."

"Hahahahaha seriously? Man alive now my cult things seems silly be extension."

"Wait how is me pretending to be crazy as a distraction any way on par with you almost getting tortured/murdered and me having to come save your ass?"

"Because your situation is clearly much more mirthful for me." It was true it was a lot funnier to me what happened to Nidget than anything that had happened to me. I would hope the distinction would be obvious. I was just cutting off a piece of some meat from an animal I hoped looked tasty when a squad of policeman arrived weapons drawn.

"HALT THIEVES!"

"Clearly this is a mistake." I had not been really involved with anything, it was entirely not my fault whatever Nidget did! I didn't know it at the time but the inspector that Nidget had previously dealt with came strolling on up.

"I see Mr. Lorentino just enjoying a meal on the town after escaping from prison?" I was about to answer when Nidget spoke and I could see the extent of his harming my good name!

"Is that illegal too now?" At that we were both arrested. I tell you the most insulting thing was Nidget using my name. I mean seriously that wounds me to my core!

Hello God here

"You have stopped my people, you have not stopped me false prophet."

"Prophet? You ignorant ass I'm all god, prophets are for people who don't do their own dirty work!" Yes I tried to justify being upset I was called a prophet and not a god, what can I say the Lorentino ego is a funny thing.

"SILENCE!" The wave of magic that emanated from him was strong, it hit both me and Nidget and sent us backward. I couldn't exactly put a finger on what kind of magic it was (it had an earthy tone with some nice berry flavors, bitter but in a good way). "You have been a false god for far too long Lorentino, the power you wield is not your own, it is given to you by the true gods of this world, and I will flay your flesh to prove to these simpletons you are no more than a simple misguided man." Oh I completely forgot to mention this guy was dressed like a tramp, complete with long untended to beard and completely ugly looking dirty robes. He looked like me after I spent all weekend drinking (and then like sleeping in sewage, he looked and smelled terrible).

His magic was strong but not especially focused. It was the difference between raw magical strength, and acute finesse (my expertise of course is in doing small things with great... hahahaha no I can't finish that thought). Unfortunately for him I'm a master of taking someone elses strength and using that against them (and not just like through freaky necromancy, though that is my usual go to for that). Raw magical ability used improperly is dangerous, not just because of corruption, but because of the trail it leaves back to you (thank the gods when I go full nuts I annihilate anyone who could potentially turn it on me), a little bit of a grip and you can turn that around on its user, sometimes with a lot more force behind it.

"I like you're spunk kid, but unfortunately I've been doing this a lot more than you have." I twisted the magic backwards, like a band held too long and then snapped it returned violently. When he hit me and Nidget it knocked us down, when I hit him he exploded (see that's finesse!)

"Great Trezlan you blew a man up and burned the rest of them to death, it smells so awful in here." It did smell awful, like burnt people mixed with smashed people (I admit this wasn't my best explination for smells).

"Lets just get out of here and never speak of this again."

"Agreed." And so we never did, until now, and when people asked where we'd been. I'll admit our promise here was pretty shit.

Ok So Trusting Nidget To Do The Right Thing Was Wrong

That little stupid bastard. Ok yesterdays entry was entirely wrong, completely and utterly wrong. I mean for one I did not cower at all, that part is insane, for two, he didn't "murder dance" his way to anything. You know I had hoped he would talk up my heroism so you wouldn't think I make that up, but no he insulted me, made up some kind of crap about his own lack of ability and that was it. Completely underwhelming Nidget! So I'm going to tell you the real story, because I have to make sure records get set properly.

"We're doomed." I was of course rational about things and correctly assessed that our current combat situation was to say the least a bit imbalanced against us.

"Well at least I get to die with you Trezlan, its always been an honor to forever be your servant." Is what Nidget would have said if he wasn't a snarky dick. No I will not put pen to paper to express what the little ungrateful shit did say. Nidget's unhelpfulness aside I did have some pent up magic waiting to burn more not Lorentino cultists straight to a bad place. Which I did, I scorched those jerk offs straight to death (why did I freak out initially? Because dear reader I always worry that magic will not win the day). Smacking my hands in satisfaction I prepared to leave with a now humbled Nidget (he was very humbled, you can trust me).

Unfortunately the real leader of the cult arrive and he was a super huge dick. A super huge dick with magic.  I mean dick like jerk, not like he was an actual penis with magical powers, though admittedly that's a very funny thing to imagine and I'll be laughing about it all day, so now I can't finish this entry.  So uhh you're not welcome?

Trezlan Is Useless

"We're doomed Nidget, absolutely doomed there is nothing we can do to survive this!" Trezlan was reacting about as good as he normally does to any slight bit of difficulty. I casually survey the battlefield. We were in a stone underground lair type thing, the usual place I expect to find Trezlan when he's not selling over priced garbage to idiots, the only way in was blocked by a bunch of pissed off cultists with various knives and swords, apparently being part of the cult was ignoring modern technology all together. Trezlan was shirtless, but uninjured, which was a shame because if anyone deserved a little torture, its him.

So I calmly stepped forward and started my murder dance, I'm a master of murder you see. People always overlook shorty's and we take this and use it like a hard edge to fine tune our hatred of all of you tall people. There were stabbing, there were slicings, and when it was all said and done I was wearing a new shade of red to my outfit if you catch my drift. Trezlan stood in the corner crying in fear.

So that's the story, I don't know why Trezlan wanted me to tell it to you it doesn't show him in a nice light. Then again that's every story involving Trezlan. We got away and I hoped he learned something about trusting cults, he didn't I'm sure. Because Trezlan is a stupid man child. I'm sure the next entry he'll countermand everything I said, but you know he's a liar, so expect that! EXPECT HIS LIES!

The One Time I was Thankful For Nidget

"We discussed this and we think you're lying." There were five of them who nodded in approval, all weighing in obviously.

"You sure about that? You want to risk your lives on it?" The hardest part about being called on a bluff is you don't have anything left at that point, you're all bluffed out, so the best you can do is try and repeat the bluff again hoping that they'll fall for it a second time, but they did not. Instead the not book store owner took up his heated tongs and looked to "solve the mystery" when a shout went out from behind the gathered cultists.  Well a shout and then an explosion. I was wondering if my god like abilities of being able to wish people away were finally coming true when Nidget of all people arrived. He sliced the knee of the not book store owner and then with his sleeve blade buried impaled the man's lower jaw up to his head, it was a gruesome way to go.

"Trezlan your life is a train wreck, I just can't turn away." He picked the lock on the shackles and I was free, which was useful, a cultist was about to shoot Nidget in the back (I had half a second to think about just letting him die, but considering the circumstance figured it would be rude to say the least) I let the cultists know why I was considered a God in the first place with a gout of flame.

"Putting aside how you found me in the first place or even knew where I was, do you have a plan to get out of here?"

"The police guy I arrived with was supposed to hold the entrance, sadly he got blown up by dynamite, so uhhh you're guess is as good as mine."

"Nidget that's what I love about you, the fact that your plans are so well thought out." We had killed a couple cultists, but they were about to mass up and attack us and so our backs against the wall we had to fight out way to victory. Something I'll let Nidget explain in his final entry tomorrow. What I think he says it better than I do!

Freedom Is Fleeting

"Halt." Still pantless I was saddened my escape had not exactly been as perfect as I had assumed. I turned around, the policeman appeared to be the same guy from the docks, which made me think that Trezlan had set me up, because he would do that somehow.

"I'm just a guy out for an evening stroll."

"Without pants?"

"Without pants, I like the feeling of air on my genitals, its liberating." He gave me a look that informed me he did not like the feeling of air on his genitals.

"You came into this city with Mr. Lorentino did you not?" he had skipped the conversation about pants, and changed the subject to confirming I knew Trezlan, which told me Trezlan had not set up this particular incident. I shuffled my feet a bit, getting the policman more into the alleyway I was standing next to when he caught me, just in case things took a turn for the murder.

"That man and I met on that ship, we have no association directly if he's guilty of any crime its not my guilt." With Trezlan you have no idea why someone is asking why you are associated with them, best to assume something awful.

"I need your help, Trezlan is in serious danger." I'll admit I thought really long and hard to just leave that bastard where he was, I mean for all the things he'd been involved with I'm sure this was some kind of what goes around comes around kicking his ass. Then again he was my best way out of this crazy country and back home, so with a heavy sigh...
"Ok let me find my pants and we'll go save Trezlan." I kind of knew where my pants were, but you never want to overcommitt to knowledge of pants until they are on your legs. Plus that's where I kept my weaponry, but I did really want my pants, the open air had turned cold and I was more "shorty" than I prefered if you catch my drift.

Irrational People Lets Be Rational About This

"Look when I said I'm Trezlan Lorentino, I was being crazy." I have to tell you seeing as Nidget also used this excuse earlier, well it was hilarious the duality of lying. I'd almost appreciate Nidget's inventiveness if I didn't dislike him so much.

"Now now don't weaken your God Hood by being a coward Mr. Lorentino." It was the former shop owner, he looked a lot more sinister standing over a pair of hot tongs.

"Clearly you have no idea what kind of God I really am." I struggled against the shackles, they were locked on tight, the dicks were smart enough to know that I'm difficult to keep down, well some of the time anyway!

"I'm about to find out just that Mr. Lorentino." I was more than a little bit afraid of another prolonged torture session, if only because I've had so many in my lifetime and I really wish I'd stop having to have them (like what lesson are the gods trying to tell me? Other than you know be more careful, but aside from that!).

"I hope your not about to pierce my skin for your sake." He got a quizzical look on his face, clearly he was about to pierce the skin.

"Why would that be an issue?" I laughed.

"Clearly despite knowing of me, you know nothing about me. Ever since I destroyed the god of Vengeance my insides are on fire, when my skin is pierced the fire is released." It was total bullshit, the only interior fire I ever had was that damn bladder infection, which while obnoxious as all get out could not harm others.

"You're bluffing."

"Its your funeral, well yours and everyone else inside here." I hadn't seen other cult member since I got locked up, but I figured threatening more than just the one crazy might scare him more. He seemed to think it over for a bit, coming close to just piercing my skin before he gave up and left to consult with someone else. I of course was happy to have survived for the time being, but I was still stuck to a table with crazy people, so it was kind of a win lose situation. The worst kind!

The Madness Of Nidget

"SHABORYAGANA!" I shouted it as a ran around without any pants. I admit this was a low point for me. I'm a professional, I've taken scores, become emperor, helped a power mad necromancer maintain his living, and so I invested my all in to being crazy. I owned crazy, I made crazy look well really crazy. And still I had to feel as I was being pursued by three city police officers in nice yellow uniforms, that maybe just maybe my life decisions leading up to this moment were not the smartest. I did attract an additional three officers, and they tackled me, taking care to not touch my penis. I could feel the cold harshness of metal locking on to my wrists and I got hauled off my feet, because apparently you can't let shorties just walk next to you pantless you have to lift them off their feet and toss them into the back of your little prison wagon! Racism people who somehow stole Trezlan's journal and are for some odd reason reading it, but all the same this is the real world impact of racism. I could have taken the shackles off of course, and probably escaped their mobile jail wagon, but my part of the plan required me tying up the authorities with my random crap, and not like taking off and giving away the game I too was a thief. So I got tossed into jail pantless, I regretted taking my pants off to act crazy it was completely unnecessary and lead to me sitting in a room with a bunch of other criminals sans pants which is never a good thing.

Eventually after many a glance that I found alarming I was called into interrogation, the fine suited gentleman across from me appeared to be very upset he had to deal with a pantless shorty. I was of course upset that the metal chair they had sat me on was extremely cold. The room was stone, a single barred window was the only point of natural light, an oil lamp hung to keep the rest of the room lit. I could tell from the window it was pretty much almost evening time.

"Name?"

"Trezlan Lorentino." I could see his lip curl at Trezlan's name, I had my desired effect.

"What's your real name midget?" Midget is meant to be insulting, but its so not.

"I am your father." He reached across the table and smacked me in the jaw, my teeth rattled I slumped in my chair.

"Fine you little twerp you'll stay here until I feel I can deal with you." He left, I was glad because it was well past my time to be a nuisance and I couldn't exactly free myself with a dick standing across from me. Well I could, but it would be a short escape. I won't bore you with where I kept my lock picks, you can probably guess, but I was able to free myself of the shackles. I waited till I could no longer see light outside, and then I made my move. Figuring they wouldn't bother to guard a closed off room with a pantless prisoner in shackles I picked the lock on the door and was not at all surprised to find no one beyond it. So under the cover of night I slipped back into the city, a pantless crazy person once more.

Everything Looks Dumber In Hindsight

I hate looking back on previous mistakes because it becomes readily apparent I was making those mistakes. In a way this journal helps me avoid making those same mistakes again. Though considering how often I make similar mistakes clearly its not helping that much. It comes down to a simple matter of trust. You see I should have never just trusted that stumbling into a particular book store in the middle of a major city would just happen to be the right cult I was looking for and not that there weren't of course competing cults that had radically different ideas about how to worship the Lorentino. All of that of course to explain how I ended up magic shackled to a table with a vast array of torture implements nearby and a cult of crazies willing to use all of them.

I swear I've been in this exact circumstance before but I can't remember when that was. Oh all the time? All the time. Sorry for the shortened entry today, my neighbors have decided to have an all out war with each other as of late which leaves me to have to listen to their stupidity for hours on end, and that messes with my sleeping habits, currently I'm on day eight of not getting a very nice night of sleep and I'm very close to murdering both of them and claiming they killed each other. Don't judge me!

The Pilfering Pavorrossis

"And so your part will be to act crazy out front thus causing the distraction the rest of us need." My aunt was laying out the plan in the kitchen, the squirming child from before was elsewhere, the rest of my relatives were all standing over a map of a museum, something important was up for the taking. I was not allowed to know exactly what they were stealing, my part of the plan was of course to act crazy out in front.

"I'm so glad you reserved this just for me." I was less than thrilled, especially considering my fairly extensive skill set.

"Well I was going to give the job to one of the little ones, but since you're a trained professional Nidget I'm sure you can handle it." There is no proper way to put the condescending tone of her remarks, so just know she was really cutting on my superior skills with this comment. After my part of the plan was laid out I was sent to watch over the children so I didn't learn the other parts of the plan just in case I get caught and was tempted to give up my own family.  Honestly I was instantly regretting hooking up with my relatives, it was so bad I found myself wondering what Trezlan was doing. Yes I was regretting meeting up with my family members to the point I wondered what the murderous necromancer was doing. Such was the depth of my depravity.

Occult? No A Cult

With Nidget no longer holding me back (even when he isn't, he is) I was able to fully seek out my cult. Sort of, I mean it was technically illegal to worship me (cults are always thought of so negatively... because they are very bad usually, but not when they worship me, sometimes even when they do) so trying to track down a church of the holy Lorentino wasn't as simple as looking for a big sign advertising that fact. I did have some ideas as to where I could find my followers (as obviously someone wearing a necklace with my visage clearly showed they weren't exactly in hiding), my first stop was a local book store, because clearly followers of Lorentino would have to be huge readers.

"I'm looking for a cult." I had approached the proprieter of the shop, an aged man in glasses that looked almost older than he was. He seemingly did not hear me.

"Occult? Back of the store bunch of weird books mostly bullshit but you're welcome to look."

"No not Occult, I'm looking for A cult a specific branch of people." I had leaned in to him despite no one else being in the store and the door being shut.

"A cult? Why would you want to look for a cult?"

"Because they worship me." He gave me an appraising look and then his eyes lit up.

"Trezlan Lorentino! Yes yes come with me come with me." He took me back to the Occult section and pulled a book out; the wall pulled back and went into a recessed cavity (I always wonder who builds that kind of secret passage? Do you have to kill the guy who built it to keep it secret). Beyond the shelf was a tunnel leading down, little oil lamps hung along the walls guiding the way. The shop keeper moved with a lot more speed than his age indicated and when he spoke his voice had changed, he admitted the old man thing was mainly an act to keep the local police from catching on to their activities.

"It never makes sense to me that you guys are persecuted."

"Right? I mean if anything it was stupid to worship a god of vengeance that extracted a blood price from all of us for our own selfish wants! You killed her and set us free? So why shouldn't you be worshipped?" It made sense to me, then again it was a follower of mine explaining why they worshipped me, so you know a lot of things make sense to me in that setting. We arrived at the bottom of the passage and came to a heavy iron door, a simple knock pattern and the door was opened up.

"Welcome Trezlan Lorentino, to the Cult of Lorentino!" And so it came to pass I sought out my own cult to use them for my financial gain. You know I'm an asshole this should come as no surprise.