"Keep your hand where I can see them." The revolver was under the table, the lady dressed in a dress far too fancy for the tavern I had met her in was seated across from me. She was a regal looking older lady (I say older I'm sure I'm quite older than her but don't look it, the joys of life stealing). Well maintained grey hair in a bun, wrinkles on her face in all the dignified places. She had weird eyes though, like partially green and then blue and then brown. It was almost as if they shifted the way the light hit them in the dark tavern the light shifted constantly, part of the reason I'd left a note for her to meet me there.
"I see Hilda finally found an idiot to do her job for her."
"Awful mean to someone who has a pistol on you." The details of how I tracked down the nice old lady are pretty boring, as was my trip from Hilda's island back to land (outside of how far I was, that was pretty shocking I tell you my arms were soar as all get out when I made land fall).
"I'm sure I'm hurting your feelings bandit."
"Breaking my heart, look this is a courtesy, I could have done this the messy way." The messy way of course meaning what Hilda actually wanted, killing the regal old lady (or ROL for short).
"I don't think you have the balls baldy, now get to what she wanted or let me go." I'd left a note for ROL on her door, I'd been following her since I'd gotten to town, and she was partially right, I didn't feel right killing her just because some old disfigured hag wanted her dead, I'm a man of principal every once in a long while.
"If I got to what Hilda wanted we wouldn't be having this conversation." I tried to put it politely because we were in public, I mean the place was shady, but saying openly "She wants you dead," is sure to raise ears.
"I see and out of the kindness of your bandit heart you'd rather rob me than loot my corpse."
"Something like that." I didn't dissuade her from thinking I was a bandit, its why I used my pistol instead of the threat of magic. Because when someone is underestimating you, never correct them. She seemed to weigh her options, I understood why, she was thinking of how she could turn this on me without getting her killed, I've made the same calculations in my head more than a few times.
"Fine you win bandit, I'll let you rob me." Let in this case was a lie, but you know what they say, you trust one ROL you get what you deserve. Ok no one says that, but still its true! And no I don't go around robbing old ladies all the time, I just wait them out and then buy their items at a discount price from disinterested relatives! Totally better!
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
Bewitching Proposition
"Hahahahahahaha"
"Something funny Necromancer?" Hilda had invited me to her hovel, she was about to offer me a drink of a brew I'm sure was half poisoned when I just burst out laughing.
"Possibly, I don't know something just told me I should find something humerous and I don't know why." It would only be years later when I heard about Brownwater that I knew the reason, but at the time it just seemed I'd gone partially insane, which is totally false I'm fully insane obviously.
"Perhaps you are not the person I need for this."
"Fantastic I'll just be on my way." I had stood up ready to leave her rotting shack of horrors when she grabbed my arm (always bad kids what have I told you about touching necromancers?)
"Not so fast necromancer."
"Damn and I was almost there."
"Sit Necromancer." And so I sat, I'd decribe the shack, but honestly you probably can imagine it already, the sights, the smells, the horrible rotting wood. It was very homey, just like evil mom used to have.
"I have a name."
"Do you want me to know it?"
"Not particularly."
"Then Necromancer it shall be." Giving a witch your name, is a lot like giving a magic user your blood, begging for trouble (ritual magic is always weird like that).
"What is it that you think I can do for you?"
"Kill someone obviously, being you're a necromancer I figure you've got experience."
"True its not like you can get in the club without some death." Or in my case a lot of death, directly and indirectly.
"And you blend in with normals where as someone like myself they'll see coming a mile away."
"What? No honey you are perfect just the way you are." That got a sour look, but you know the Lorentino way, sarcasm no matter the cost!
"You are such a charmer, is it any surprise you are alone on an island with me." Her words were punctuated by spitting, I don't know if that was intentional or just something she had to do every once in a while, "You see my former sister has left me here to rot and stolen something from me, I want you to kill her and bring it back, simple Necromancer even someone like you couldn't screw it up."
"And if I don't?"
"Then I'll find a way to put a curse on you that won't kill you but it'll make me look like a true beauty to how horrible you'll look and no amount of necromancy could fix it." A curse of ugliness, truely the most horrific thing she could think of.
"Get me a paddle and a place to go and away I'll be!" And so she did, and so I was. Tell you the truth working for a witch is one of the least horrible things I've ever done. Seriously! I'm not at all lying to you. For serious. You ever notice how people say that they don't mean it? Except this time, I totally mean it!
"Something funny Necromancer?" Hilda had invited me to her hovel, she was about to offer me a drink of a brew I'm sure was half poisoned when I just burst out laughing.
"Possibly, I don't know something just told me I should find something humerous and I don't know why." It would only be years later when I heard about Brownwater that I knew the reason, but at the time it just seemed I'd gone partially insane, which is totally false I'm fully insane obviously.
"Perhaps you are not the person I need for this."
"Fantastic I'll just be on my way." I had stood up ready to leave her rotting shack of horrors when she grabbed my arm (always bad kids what have I told you about touching necromancers?)
"Not so fast necromancer."
"Damn and I was almost there."
"Sit Necromancer." And so I sat, I'd decribe the shack, but honestly you probably can imagine it already, the sights, the smells, the horrible rotting wood. It was very homey, just like evil mom used to have.
"I have a name."
"Do you want me to know it?"
"Not particularly."
"Then Necromancer it shall be." Giving a witch your name, is a lot like giving a magic user your blood, begging for trouble (ritual magic is always weird like that).
"What is it that you think I can do for you?"
"Kill someone obviously, being you're a necromancer I figure you've got experience."
"True its not like you can get in the club without some death." Or in my case a lot of death, directly and indirectly.
"And you blend in with normals where as someone like myself they'll see coming a mile away."
"What? No honey you are perfect just the way you are." That got a sour look, but you know the Lorentino way, sarcasm no matter the cost!
"You are such a charmer, is it any surprise you are alone on an island with me." Her words were punctuated by spitting, I don't know if that was intentional or just something she had to do every once in a while, "You see my former sister has left me here to rot and stolen something from me, I want you to kill her and bring it back, simple Necromancer even someone like you couldn't screw it up."
"And if I don't?"
"Then I'll find a way to put a curse on you that won't kill you but it'll make me look like a true beauty to how horrible you'll look and no amount of necromancy could fix it." A curse of ugliness, truely the most horrific thing she could think of.
"Get me a paddle and a place to go and away I'll be!" And so she did, and so I was. Tell you the truth working for a witch is one of the least horrible things I've ever done. Seriously! I'm not at all lying to you. For serious. You ever notice how people say that they don't mean it? Except this time, I totally mean it!
Monday, February 18, 2013
Brownwater We Hardly Knew Ye
"I'm out." Andre had rapid fire shot his eight rounds of rifle ammunition, I'm sure he hit most of his targets, but it wasn't very encouraging he hadn't waited for them to at least try and get inside.
"Take my pistol, I'll use the crossbow."
"But its so small Nidget."
"Look its not the size of the pistol Andre!" I tell you people always make fun of my pistol, its very hurtful, damn tallies. Andre was about to make a comment back when I smelled smoke, I turned around and noticed that some of the errant shots had somehow set the bar on fire. It was then that I looked beneath the floor boards (because they had a lot of space between, poor construction people of Brownwater) and noticed all the kegs of liquor underneath. I also saw in what had to have been the dumbest decision ever, freaking black powder kegs as well, because why not I guess?
"RUN!" I screamed out, and Andre followed. You might think it a bit silly to run into the bullets your enemies are firing, and it was. But so is staying in a building to get exploded by some liquor black powder bomb left by an idiot (on a positive note this caused me to rearrange Trezlan's store stock a bit just in case). Hilariously the bandits were shocked by us running by they stopped firing, they probably would have resumed firing if the bar didn't explode behind them engulfing them in fire. The explosion tossed both Andre and myself all the way to the river bank, it quickly ignited the rest of the town and by nightfall it had all burned down.
"Somewhere Trezlan is laughing at us and he doesn't know why." I said it while also thinking that the stupid jerk was right the whole time. I hate when that happens. So there, that is what you were missing out on from Trezlan's poor story telling. Don't you feel enlightened?
"Take my pistol, I'll use the crossbow."
"But its so small Nidget."
"Look its not the size of the pistol Andre!" I tell you people always make fun of my pistol, its very hurtful, damn tallies. Andre was about to make a comment back when I smelled smoke, I turned around and noticed that some of the errant shots had somehow set the bar on fire. It was then that I looked beneath the floor boards (because they had a lot of space between, poor construction people of Brownwater) and noticed all the kegs of liquor underneath. I also saw in what had to have been the dumbest decision ever, freaking black powder kegs as well, because why not I guess?
"RUN!" I screamed out, and Andre followed. You might think it a bit silly to run into the bullets your enemies are firing, and it was. But so is staying in a building to get exploded by some liquor black powder bomb left by an idiot (on a positive note this caused me to rearrange Trezlan's store stock a bit just in case). Hilariously the bandits were shocked by us running by they stopped firing, they probably would have resumed firing if the bar didn't explode behind them engulfing them in fire. The explosion tossed both Andre and myself all the way to the river bank, it quickly ignited the rest of the town and by nightfall it had all burned down.
"Somewhere Trezlan is laughing at us and he doesn't know why." I said it while also thinking that the stupid jerk was right the whole time. I hate when that happens. So there, that is what you were missing out on from Trezlan's poor story telling. Don't you feel enlightened?
Friday, February 15, 2013
The Pointless Defense of Brownwater
"You know if only we had someone who can cast fire this would be easier." We had ducked behind the bar (strong wooden construction and access to alcohol if I was going to die because of Trezlan I wanted to go out drunk) bullets followed right after us, well bullets and harsh language
"Trezlan is not actually here Nidget, he can not hear you insulting him."
"Its for me Andre I need to say this." Going unsaid is when I complain I wish Andre was around when I'm in trouble, which is frequent as well. Bullets had started to shatter some of the bottle above us, which made me glad Trezlan wasn't there, because he'd probably accidentally set us on fire.
"What's going..." The lone child bartender appeared and immeadiately got shot in the face. I felt kind of stupid, here we were supposed to be protecting this kid and he just got killed. I tell you its enough to make me almost wish I'd followed Trezlan to wherever he went, almost.
"Well this whole defense became pointless."
"They still want to kill us Nidget, its not like we can tell them they have successfully killed the one townsperson and sorry about murdering your friends."
"We didn't kill anyone that was all Trezlan."
"And he's not here."
"I swear that guy has luck on luck."
"I have 8 bullets for my rifle, how about you?"
"6 in the pistol and like 5 crossbow bolts."
"The Fire God will welcome us as heroes."
"Yeah idiotic heroes." That's the problem with being the associate of a guy who believes dying in battle to be the ultimate good. HE KEEPS WANTING TO DIE! At least Trezlan has self preservation down to a cowardly science.
"Trezlan is not actually here Nidget, he can not hear you insulting him."
"Its for me Andre I need to say this." Going unsaid is when I complain I wish Andre was around when I'm in trouble, which is frequent as well. Bullets had started to shatter some of the bottle above us, which made me glad Trezlan wasn't there, because he'd probably accidentally set us on fire.
"What's going..." The lone child bartender appeared and immeadiately got shot in the face. I felt kind of stupid, here we were supposed to be protecting this kid and he just got killed. I tell you its enough to make me almost wish I'd followed Trezlan to wherever he went, almost.
"Well this whole defense became pointless."
"They still want to kill us Nidget, its not like we can tell them they have successfully killed the one townsperson and sorry about murdering your friends."
"We didn't kill anyone that was all Trezlan."
"And he's not here."
"I swear that guy has luck on luck."
"I have 8 bullets for my rifle, how about you?"
"6 in the pistol and like 5 crossbow bolts."
"The Fire God will welcome us as heroes."
"Yeah idiotic heroes." That's the problem with being the associate of a guy who believes dying in battle to be the ultimate good. HE KEEPS WANTING TO DIE! At least Trezlan has self preservation down to a cowardly science.
Thursday, February 14, 2013
Yes He Totally Left Us
Nidget here interrupting Trezlan's inane rambling to fill you in on what happened after he left us like the total dick he is. To bring us back to where he left us, Trezlan had just freed us and set fire to the group of bandits around us. We had snatched our weapons conveniently piled next to us and Andre and Myself ran for a defensible position and Trezlan just ran away like the cowardly jack ass he is.
"He's not coming back is he?" Andre said while gravely lifting his shield up and scouting the area for some kind of defendable place to take on the bandits.
"Yep pretty much, I mean frankly its surprising he stuck around this long." Trezlan is a lot of things, a hero is not one of them, hell a man of character is not one of them, you think most of this journal has any truth to it? I doubt it. We had ran into the bar, because another wooden building with flammable liquid in it seemed like a really good idea (well we got rid of Trezlan, so we were marginally safer). The bandits set up outside and immediately started firing, their portly leader had survived Trezlan's fire attack though he did sound in pain, so he didn't come through completely unharmed.
"This will not end well." Andre is normally not very optimistic, I guess it comes with being a devote believer in a god of war. It did not end well, but that will have to wait till I can find some more ink. I tell you its like Trezlan locks up writing supplies when he leaves because he knows I put stuff in his journal! I do because you do, you little ass.
"He's not coming back is he?" Andre said while gravely lifting his shield up and scouting the area for some kind of defendable place to take on the bandits.
"Yep pretty much, I mean frankly its surprising he stuck around this long." Trezlan is a lot of things, a hero is not one of them, hell a man of character is not one of them, you think most of this journal has any truth to it? I doubt it. We had ran into the bar, because another wooden building with flammable liquid in it seemed like a really good idea (well we got rid of Trezlan, so we were marginally safer). The bandits set up outside and immediately started firing, their portly leader had survived Trezlan's fire attack though he did sound in pain, so he didn't come through completely unharmed.
"This will not end well." Andre is normally not very optimistic, I guess it comes with being a devote believer in a god of war. It did not end well, but that will have to wait till I can find some more ink. I tell you its like Trezlan locks up writing supplies when he leaves because he knows I put stuff in his journal! I do because you do, you little ass.
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
Hilda The Bitch Witch
"How are you feeling today necromancer?" I'd been hanging there an entire day, blood was fully in my head and I had a pounding headache, I also bruised my face from trying to swing my way into the tree to find my way down. The tree was over exuberant in assisting me in the swinging, but pulled back after I'd collided my face into it.
"Your prophecy is now fulfilled I want to kill you old woman." Honesty is always the best policy when hanging twenty feet in the air. Surpringly she let me down, I was shocked, and not just from the blood rushing to the parts of my body it was needed in. Well that and I finally got to take a piss I'd been holding for a while (peeing while hanging up side down is a great way to piss in your own mouth, no don't ask how I know this).
"And thats how I knew you didn't want to kill me." She was talking behind me, but as I said I was too busy urinating to care that much.
"Because I said I wanted to after saying I didn't, you're an odd witch."
"No because you now honestly reached the conclusion you wanted to kill me, informing me you weren't previously bent on the topic."
"That makes no sense."
"Neither does a man who's considerably older than I calling me old woman."
"Points to you witch." I turned around, she was not very impressive on the ground, but witch's rarely are. "So what do you want done you figure only I can accomplish?"
"Ahh I see no need for plying you with honeyed words I see."
"I've got things to do and a shop to run, name your price for getting off this island so I can get on with my life." She smiled, crooked yellowed teeth breaking over cracked rotten lips. It was enough of a horror show to make me wish I was still in the tree.
"Follow me necromancer, let us speak of the tasks I have for you." I didn't like the word tasks, or having to follow her deeper into her domain, but she had me at a loss and as always I play out bad hands, which is also why I'm a poor card player.
"Your prophecy is now fulfilled I want to kill you old woman." Honesty is always the best policy when hanging twenty feet in the air. Surpringly she let me down, I was shocked, and not just from the blood rushing to the parts of my body it was needed in. Well that and I finally got to take a piss I'd been holding for a while (peeing while hanging up side down is a great way to piss in your own mouth, no don't ask how I know this).
"And thats how I knew you didn't want to kill me." She was talking behind me, but as I said I was too busy urinating to care that much.
"Because I said I wanted to after saying I didn't, you're an odd witch."
"No because you now honestly reached the conclusion you wanted to kill me, informing me you weren't previously bent on the topic."
"That makes no sense."
"Neither does a man who's considerably older than I calling me old woman."
"Points to you witch." I turned around, she was not very impressive on the ground, but witch's rarely are. "So what do you want done you figure only I can accomplish?"
"Ahh I see no need for plying you with honeyed words I see."
"I've got things to do and a shop to run, name your price for getting off this island so I can get on with my life." She smiled, crooked yellowed teeth breaking over cracked rotten lips. It was enough of a horror show to make me wish I was still in the tree.
"Follow me necromancer, let us speak of the tasks I have for you." I didn't like the word tasks, or having to follow her deeper into her domain, but she had me at a loss and as always I play out bad hands, which is also why I'm a poor card player.
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
Treed
Hanging around swinging in the breeze would almost be relaxing if not for the horrific implications of a large fall and a swift stop at the end (like the saying goes the only thing stopping me from flying is the ground). There is also the possibility of two things in being suspended in the air. Either the plants or alive (a distinct possibility considering my history) or someone was controlling them. Neither were optimal for me as a person and I did not like the implication.
I could smell her before I could see her. She was cloaked in ritual magic and filth, which spoke to her profession well, a damned witch. Age was difficult to determine, but for those types it always is. I've heard they too practice necromancy (indeed there are rumors they were the first practioners), but if they do its not to their personal flesh benefit as I've never run across a witch who looks a day under a hundred years old. Witch's are normally very low powered magic users, relying instead on blood rituals, potions and bullshit to get by with idiots and the easily mislead (no comments from the peanut gallery about thats how I make my living!)
"I can smell you from here Necromancer." She was beneath me, her ragged shawl smelled like shit even from high in the air.
"Likewise." I tried to look down consistently but the vine holding my leg made that a pain in the ass to maintain.
"Come to kill Hilda have you? You'll find I don't die easily."
"Not here to kill you at all, I fell asleep on a boat wound up here, let me down and I'll show you I have no ill intent." I saw her look over my weapons, she didn't touch the sword I could see the revulsion even from twenty feet up.
"Right bringing a weapon of an earth god and a revolver on your little boat trip."
"Never can be too careful, come on I'm getting a headache from hanging upside down up here."
"No I think I'll leave you up there until you are more honest."
"Lady you leave me up here and I'll want to kill you." It was a self fulfilling prophecy! But the witch left me to my own devices and so I swung from up high a victim to someone elses persecution complex. You'll notice I rarely take prisoners, and now you know why! Its just rude.
I could smell her before I could see her. She was cloaked in ritual magic and filth, which spoke to her profession well, a damned witch. Age was difficult to determine, but for those types it always is. I've heard they too practice necromancy (indeed there are rumors they were the first practioners), but if they do its not to their personal flesh benefit as I've never run across a witch who looks a day under a hundred years old. Witch's are normally very low powered magic users, relying instead on blood rituals, potions and bullshit to get by with idiots and the easily mislead (no comments from the peanut gallery about thats how I make my living!)
"I can smell you from here Necromancer." She was beneath me, her ragged shawl smelled like shit even from high in the air.
"Likewise." I tried to look down consistently but the vine holding my leg made that a pain in the ass to maintain.
"Come to kill Hilda have you? You'll find I don't die easily."
"Not here to kill you at all, I fell asleep on a boat wound up here, let me down and I'll show you I have no ill intent." I saw her look over my weapons, she didn't touch the sword I could see the revulsion even from twenty feet up.
"Right bringing a weapon of an earth god and a revolver on your little boat trip."
"Never can be too careful, come on I'm getting a headache from hanging upside down up here."
"No I think I'll leave you up there until you are more honest."
"Lady you leave me up here and I'll want to kill you." It was a self fulfilling prophecy! But the witch left me to my own devices and so I swung from up high a victim to someone elses persecution complex. You'll notice I rarely take prisoners, and now you know why! Its just rude.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)