"HOT DOGS HOT DOGS!" I was fleeing and kind of screaming at the same time, which wasn't a smart move I'll admit (the screaming uses precious oxygen). Mere moments before I'd been kind of lazyily walking through the forest (because you know I'm terrible at navigation, honestly I'm terrible prey I probably would have gotten back to Quinton's house had I not run across the fire breathing hounds from some horrible place.
"Why didn't you try and burn them?" Because as I found out when I tried to I had no magic (not even a fizzle just kaput, didn't know if it was a side effect of the poison or the island in general, I didn't feel the usual powerlessness associated with losing magic so I was guessing it was something on the island canceling my ability).
"Why not use your new sword?" You'd ask (because in my mind you are like an annoying child asking questions of everyones motivations for no reason sorry about that). I did try that! Its how I found out they weren't regular hounds but hounds that breathe fire and did so upon me drawing the sword.
So fleeing became the optimal solution (this is always the case just to tell you, there is never a situation where fleeing is not the smart move, even when fleeing fleeing is a better idea yes that doesn't make sense, no I'm not going to explain it). I ran hard and fast for like five minutes, and then I climbed a tree and the fire dogs waited at the base (they didn't burn it down, because I assume the whole treeing me thing was a part of their plan, damned cunning dogs!). So yes like common vermin I was stuck in a tree with howling fire dogs at the base without any magic. This is known as a "lose, lose, lose" situation, or in the common vernacular "The Full Lorentino".
Thursday, May 9, 2013
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
Tentacaphobia: Fear of Tentacle Monsters
"How long are you going to lay in the mud?" The voice was in my head slow, like each word took a few seconds to come about but they were clear.
"I'm guessing you are the monster in the lagoon." I stood up because the jig was up as it were, that and I was tired of laying down in mud.
"Monster? Such a tired word for something so grand. I am no monster, anymore than you are good at playing dead."
"What gave me away?"
"Your heat mud thing, I could feel it pulsing as you lay there, also your breath never stopped." Damn and here I thought I was the best at playing dead ever. I couldn't make out the size of the creature, I figured it was buried deep in grotto, probably more in the mud than not, which meant I had no idea of the size of the beast nor where its tentacles may be buried.
"So I figure you do not want to eat me."
"No I do not, you are prey for the master, and the master does not know of me at this time, I'd like to keep it that way, which is why you should leave my grotto." He refered to Quinton as the master, so that at least denoted there was ownership here, of something probably.
"What are you?"
"A monster," It was weird for a toneless voice in my head to be sarcastic, but here it was sarcasm from a voice in my head.
"I deserved that."
"You and your kind have a limited understanding of whats in this world, but know that I mean to cause you no harm as long as you do the same, but should you remain here the master will come and that will be an issue for me."
"So if I stay here."
"I'll eat you."
"Fair enough." It was fair as far as offers go.
"Here take this." From within the grotto a thin blade was ejected, it landed and stuck in the mud near my feet.
"Why are you helping me?" I took up the blade noting it ornate handle and engraved blade, someone had loved the sword a lot before it wound up in the gullet of a monster.
"The master will hunt me soon, possibly after hunting you, I'd hope for you to at least wound him before that time comes, now go you push my patience." And so I was armed with a sword from the gullet of a monster (well I asumme it came from his stomach, maybe he had a chest under the water with him filled with swords). I had hoped for a revolver as I was sure my host would use one against me, but alas beggers can't be choosers and I still had my magic (or so I thought...) But that as always will be the next entry.
On the vermin note, they are gone, now the huge birds that eat the vermin are around and they are causing more problems. I swear this is like some great joke by the gods that each problem gets taken care of by a more annoying problem. Therod of course still blames me!
"I'm guessing you are the monster in the lagoon." I stood up because the jig was up as it were, that and I was tired of laying down in mud.
"Monster? Such a tired word for something so grand. I am no monster, anymore than you are good at playing dead."
"What gave me away?"
"Your heat mud thing, I could feel it pulsing as you lay there, also your breath never stopped." Damn and here I thought I was the best at playing dead ever. I couldn't make out the size of the creature, I figured it was buried deep in grotto, probably more in the mud than not, which meant I had no idea of the size of the beast nor where its tentacles may be buried.
"So I figure you do not want to eat me."
"No I do not, you are prey for the master, and the master does not know of me at this time, I'd like to keep it that way, which is why you should leave my grotto." He refered to Quinton as the master, so that at least denoted there was ownership here, of something probably.
"What are you?"
"A monster," It was weird for a toneless voice in my head to be sarcastic, but here it was sarcasm from a voice in my head.
"I deserved that."
"You and your kind have a limited understanding of whats in this world, but know that I mean to cause you no harm as long as you do the same, but should you remain here the master will come and that will be an issue for me."
"So if I stay here."
"I'll eat you."
"Fair enough." It was fair as far as offers go.
"Here take this." From within the grotto a thin blade was ejected, it landed and stuck in the mud near my feet.
"Why are you helping me?" I took up the blade noting it ornate handle and engraved blade, someone had loved the sword a lot before it wound up in the gullet of a monster.
"The master will hunt me soon, possibly after hunting you, I'd hope for you to at least wound him before that time comes, now go you push my patience." And so I was armed with a sword from the gullet of a monster (well I asumme it came from his stomach, maybe he had a chest under the water with him filled with swords). I had hoped for a revolver as I was sure my host would use one against me, but alas beggers can't be choosers and I still had my magic (or so I thought...) But that as always will be the next entry.
On the vermin note, they are gone, now the huge birds that eat the vermin are around and they are causing more problems. I swear this is like some great joke by the gods that each problem gets taken care of by a more annoying problem. Therod of course still blames me!
Tuesday, May 7, 2013
From Bad to Tentacle Monster
There are several creatures that hide in grottos that can kill large creatures. Some of them are very small parasites, shortys (wait why did I say parasites twice? HA IN YOUR FACE NIDGET!), large aquatic predators, and tenacle monsters. Yes tenatacle monsters are their own seperate category. They come in all kinds of shapes and sizes. Some of them are only in the water, some of them live in a kind of hybrid part water, part land, and some we only see the tentacle of we never see the bottom (the most terrifying and largest kind). They love grottos because its still water, easy to disguise yourself in, and your prey will just walk up to take a drink, despite bones being nearby (the universal symbol for stay far away).
So as you may have guessed the creature that was killing things in the grotto I was in was a damned tentacle monster. I figured this out in the most scientific way possible, by watching a bird land on my chest (for the purpose of pecking my eyes out the little monsters) and then a large tenatcle snatched it and drug it off to its doom. I was wondering why it took the bird and not me when it hit me, because I wasn't moving. So I could feel the paraylsis was wearing off, but I couldn't do anything for fear of being drug off to my doom by a tenatcle monster. A completely new type of paralysis this time self inflicted. I tell you there have been ferw times I've wished to still be paralysed this was one of them and its weird to admit that.
Also the verminization continues, Therod blames me when I had done nothing to bring this about other than noticing the damn things to begin with. Its completely unfair. I noticed we had a problem I told her about the problem, so it suddenly I was the person who caused the problem, because thats how society works! I do have to tell you vermin tastse all right with proper spices. Currently I'm trying to get that business going as a kind of way of turning this verminnightmare into a money making scheme. No its not working, people have some kind of hang up about eating rats. I know right? Bunch of skiddish babies.
So as you may have guessed the creature that was killing things in the grotto I was in was a damned tentacle monster. I figured this out in the most scientific way possible, by watching a bird land on my chest (for the purpose of pecking my eyes out the little monsters) and then a large tenatcle snatched it and drug it off to its doom. I was wondering why it took the bird and not me when it hit me, because I wasn't moving. So I could feel the paraylsis was wearing off, but I couldn't do anything for fear of being drug off to my doom by a tenatcle monster. A completely new type of paralysis this time self inflicted. I tell you there have been ferw times I've wished to still be paralysed this was one of them and its weird to admit that.
Also the verminization continues, Therod blames me when I had done nothing to bring this about other than noticing the damn things to begin with. Its completely unfair. I noticed we had a problem I told her about the problem, so it suddenly I was the person who caused the problem, because thats how society works! I do have to tell you vermin tastse all right with proper spices. Currently I'm trying to get that business going as a kind of way of turning this verminnightmare into a money making scheme. No its not working, people have some kind of hang up about eating rats. I know right? Bunch of skiddish babies.
Monday, May 6, 2013
My Life Is Floating On By
Vermin, vermin are everywhere! I thought maybe the little bastard I caught was just an unlucky break but no, no I couldn't be so gods damned lucky. They aren't just in my shop they are all over the damned city. I swear its some kind of plague brought upon us by an unforgiving god. That has nothing to do with me being stuck in a river floating towards my doom paralyzed (as that was the past, this is the vermin filled present0.
There isn't much to the paralyzed drifting, other than my inherent fear I'd turn over and drown (they laid me into the river on my back so I wouldn't just drown, how kind). I did get to wonder if a bird would come down and peck out my eyeball (I couldn't even blink and birds are evil). I could see a variety of trees and different bugs and birds flying overhead, I couldn't sleep one because I was paralyzed and that makes sleeping hard, and I didn't necessarily want to sleep so that when the paralytic wore off I'd get eaten by wherever I ended up.
And end up I did! Eventually I came to shore in some an offshoot groto of the river/stream/whatever I was drifting in. I washed up on shore and still was not able to move, though I was able to stare at the fairly large bones of whatever had died next to me for quite a while. So that was fun! I tell you there is nothing more fun than washing up in a grotto next to the skeleton of a large creature while you can't move. It's almost as much fun as trying to write a journal entry while a bunch of damned vermin are running around causing havoc!
No spider monsters today, though honestly I'd welcome them to kill all the damned vermin!
There isn't much to the paralyzed drifting, other than my inherent fear I'd turn over and drown (they laid me into the river on my back so I wouldn't just drown, how kind). I did get to wonder if a bird would come down and peck out my eyeball (I couldn't even blink and birds are evil). I could see a variety of trees and different bugs and birds flying overhead, I couldn't sleep one because I was paralyzed and that makes sleeping hard, and I didn't necessarily want to sleep so that when the paralytic wore off I'd get eaten by wherever I ended up.
And end up I did! Eventually I came to shore in some an offshoot groto of the river/stream/whatever I was drifting in. I washed up on shore and still was not able to move, though I was able to stare at the fairly large bones of whatever had died next to me for quite a while. So that was fun! I tell you there is nothing more fun than washing up in a grotto next to the skeleton of a large creature while you can't move. It's almost as much fun as trying to write a journal entry while a bunch of damned vermin are running around causing havoc!
No spider monsters today, though honestly I'd welcome them to kill all the damned vermin!
Friday, May 3, 2013
The Venomous Tongue is Full of Poison
"You want to what me?" I had to cough like five times to clear all the food I'd mistakenly swallowed from laughing.
"Hunt you, you are a wiley creature more than capable of providing perfect sport for myself." Wiley creature, mark that down folks one of the nicest things someone has ever said about me.
"Right and by that you mean I can kill you right now and not have to worry about being hunted at all. Look Quinton you have a nice spooky house full of trophies you probably did not earn, but lets be honest here I'm not someone that is taken lightly and you look like a fop, not just any kind of fop but a cheap one." Fop is an insult, you can look up the meaning elsewhere because I don't know the exact one, but Quinton fit it exactly, trust me.
"Such a pithy comment from someone already poisoned." I'd like to say this was a surprise, and it kind of was, but you know with the richly prepared foods I should have expected poison (this is something I should expect everday, its why I drink Val's beers, I'm assuming that the swill will eventually make me immune to every toxin in the known universe).
"I don't feel any..." And then I siezed up like a horse bit by a snake, all of my muscles spasmed at once and I fell out of my chair foam leaking from my mouth on to the carpet. Shorties an army of them came in to lift my paralyzed self up.
"Take him out to the river and toss him in, if he can't survive that he wasn't worth the effort to hunt anyway." I wanted to say something about how I needed a bath, but all I could manage was just more foam coming out of my mouth. I tell you I hate when everyone else is right and I'm wrong, which is a good thing that never ever happens ever.
Ever. Also No spider monsters today.
"Hunt you, you are a wiley creature more than capable of providing perfect sport for myself." Wiley creature, mark that down folks one of the nicest things someone has ever said about me.
"Right and by that you mean I can kill you right now and not have to worry about being hunted at all. Look Quinton you have a nice spooky house full of trophies you probably did not earn, but lets be honest here I'm not someone that is taken lightly and you look like a fop, not just any kind of fop but a cheap one." Fop is an insult, you can look up the meaning elsewhere because I don't know the exact one, but Quinton fit it exactly, trust me.
"Such a pithy comment from someone already poisoned." I'd like to say this was a surprise, and it kind of was, but you know with the richly prepared foods I should have expected poison (this is something I should expect everday, its why I drink Val's beers, I'm assuming that the swill will eventually make me immune to every toxin in the known universe).
"I don't feel any..." And then I siezed up like a horse bit by a snake, all of my muscles spasmed at once and I fell out of my chair foam leaking from my mouth on to the carpet. Shorties an army of them came in to lift my paralyzed self up.
"Take him out to the river and toss him in, if he can't survive that he wasn't worth the effort to hunt anyway." I wanted to say something about how I needed a bath, but all I could manage was just more foam coming out of my mouth. I tell you I hate when everyone else is right and I'm wrong, which is a good thing that never ever happens ever.
Ever. Also No spider monsters today.
Thursday, May 2, 2013
Quinton The Name of Evil
Quinton Hanlon was not a very imposing man. He was young, short (not a shorty but not much taller than one), and balding (which is worse than being bald, because it means you still have hope your hair will return when you should not have it). His skin was very pale denoting a life lived inside, and his voice slightly higher pitched, like a small child who had not reached puberty. And he loved to talk, oh dear gods the man never shut up. From the minute my carriage arrived at his property Quinton talked and talked. He welcomed me in with a nice grin and thanked me for my time and just started talking.
He talked about living on an island, dealing with his staff (all shorties probably to make him feel tall, well that and you can keep them as slaves), about Hanlon and how what direction he wanted to take the company in (as if that was ever going to happen, he tried to sell the lie, but I was not buying it), but most of the talk was hunting. He loved hunting, he had various stuffed dead creatures around his mansion that spoke to his hunting prowess (I'd killed most of the same creatures and privately thought to myself how amazing it was the ones he'd killed hadn't been marred by whatever he had used to kill it). To say he was obsessed with hunting would have been an understatement. He actually talked so much I almost forgot that this was supposed to be about a business proposal in the first place, that was until dinner.
We were seated across from each other at huge table that should have been filled with other people but was not. I had to practically shout to be heard and he did the same (which was damn silly and I'm the king of silly things, this was too silly). The meal was at least nice, some kind of red meat in a delightful sauce with mushrooms. I even had a glass of wine, it occured to me afterwards the meal had a very last meal aspect to it, but like most things, at the time I wasn't that concerned. I was halfway through the meal and enjoying the blessed silence while he chewed (at least he didn't talk while eating, I was spared that). When he finally got to what he wanted from me to begin with.
"You see Mr. Lorentino I want to hunt you." And at that I damn near choked on the meal I was enjoying previously. Its not everyday someone admits they want to hunt you as a person, but here it was, an asshole rich childish person with a high pitched voice wanted to hunt a hundreds year old necromancer who could have burned him down with a single thought. You might be thinking I choked because it was surprising, but no it was the laughter that welled up out of my throat. Because telling me of all people that? Damn funny!
No spider monsters today, did kill some kind of rat creature, I hope it was the only one, damn vermin.
He talked about living on an island, dealing with his staff (all shorties probably to make him feel tall, well that and you can keep them as slaves), about Hanlon and how what direction he wanted to take the company in (as if that was ever going to happen, he tried to sell the lie, but I was not buying it), but most of the talk was hunting. He loved hunting, he had various stuffed dead creatures around his mansion that spoke to his hunting prowess (I'd killed most of the same creatures and privately thought to myself how amazing it was the ones he'd killed hadn't been marred by whatever he had used to kill it). To say he was obsessed with hunting would have been an understatement. He actually talked so much I almost forgot that this was supposed to be about a business proposal in the first place, that was until dinner.
We were seated across from each other at huge table that should have been filled with other people but was not. I had to practically shout to be heard and he did the same (which was damn silly and I'm the king of silly things, this was too silly). The meal was at least nice, some kind of red meat in a delightful sauce with mushrooms. I even had a glass of wine, it occured to me afterwards the meal had a very last meal aspect to it, but like most things, at the time I wasn't that concerned. I was halfway through the meal and enjoying the blessed silence while he chewed (at least he didn't talk while eating, I was spared that). When he finally got to what he wanted from me to begin with.
"You see Mr. Lorentino I want to hunt you." And at that I damn near choked on the meal I was enjoying previously. Its not everyday someone admits they want to hunt you as a person, but here it was, an asshole rich childish person with a high pitched voice wanted to hunt a hundreds year old necromancer who could have burned him down with a single thought. You might be thinking I choked because it was surprising, but no it was the laughter that welled up out of my throat. Because telling me of all people that? Damn funny!
No spider monsters today, did kill some kind of rat creature, I hope it was the only one, damn vermin.
Wednesday, May 1, 2013
No Heir No Problem
"I find it a little more than concerning I haven't seen you for a while and then when I'm magically involved with someone possibly connected to you, here you are." I was of course speaking to Hanlon who just showed up on my door step the day after I had accepted his heir's invitation.
"You should be more concerned with the fact I have no heir and this is clearly a trap designed for your own hubris." It might have been touching his concern for me, if he wasn't I dunno some creepy not human creature.
"I know he's not your heir, but I am going anyway because money." Its as good a reason as any.
"He probably doesn't have any money."
"You don't know that, and if you somehow creepily do know that, I don't know that and I will not believe you."
"I think you secretly believe he's a bad person and you want to stop him instead, my gods Lorentino are you, are you thinking of others before yourself?" Some might read sarcasm in that, but no he was being entirely honest and disgusted at the prospect of me being altruistic.
"Nonesense, I'm sure that this guy has money and after he fails to kill me I'll totally take it, besides it might just be an actual vacation." The possibility of that was very low, but you know I have to sometimes be optimistic!
"This is a bad plan on a bad plan, but it is your life to throw away on my non existant heirs, just be aware I will not help you."
"Just like you didn't help me anytime prior to this? Yeah I'll be ok." I swear someone saves your life a couple times and they act like they have always saved it! I at least am not so full of myself to assume people will do what I tell them because I helped them before! Hanlon continued to insist to me I should skip my trip while I was packing (packing mostly things to kill people with I add, because I trust no one). He was so insistent it had me convicnced he didn't want me to go because of some secret of his not out of concern for me! I mean he was right it was a trap, and he was right I kind of wanted to stop this guy out of concern for others (I blamed my recent interaction with The Marked One for this, which funny story on that, well you'll just have to read ahead!) But I finished my packing, he finished his complaining and I went off to the trap properly prepared and not prepared at all.
At least I had a nice train and boat ride, even though I hate boats, the trip was nice! And that's all I'll talk about arriving at the heir of Hanlon a nice young man named Quinton who tried to kill me. Yes thats a bit of a spoiler, but you knew that was going to happen anyway.
"You should be more concerned with the fact I have no heir and this is clearly a trap designed for your own hubris." It might have been touching his concern for me, if he wasn't I dunno some creepy not human creature.
"I know he's not your heir, but I am going anyway because money." Its as good a reason as any.
"He probably doesn't have any money."
"You don't know that, and if you somehow creepily do know that, I don't know that and I will not believe you."
"I think you secretly believe he's a bad person and you want to stop him instead, my gods Lorentino are you, are you thinking of others before yourself?" Some might read sarcasm in that, but no he was being entirely honest and disgusted at the prospect of me being altruistic.
"Nonesense, I'm sure that this guy has money and after he fails to kill me I'll totally take it, besides it might just be an actual vacation." The possibility of that was very low, but you know I have to sometimes be optimistic!
"This is a bad plan on a bad plan, but it is your life to throw away on my non existant heirs, just be aware I will not help you."
"Just like you didn't help me anytime prior to this? Yeah I'll be ok." I swear someone saves your life a couple times and they act like they have always saved it! I at least am not so full of myself to assume people will do what I tell them because I helped them before! Hanlon continued to insist to me I should skip my trip while I was packing (packing mostly things to kill people with I add, because I trust no one). He was so insistent it had me convicnced he didn't want me to go because of some secret of his not out of concern for me! I mean he was right it was a trap, and he was right I kind of wanted to stop this guy out of concern for others (I blamed my recent interaction with The Marked One for this, which funny story on that, well you'll just have to read ahead!) But I finished my packing, he finished his complaining and I went off to the trap properly prepared and not prepared at all.
At least I had a nice train and boat ride, even though I hate boats, the trip was nice! And that's all I'll talk about arriving at the heir of Hanlon a nice young man named Quinton who tried to kill me. Yes thats a bit of a spoiler, but you knew that was going to happen anyway.
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