I'm Surprised it Took This Long

"Don't come back." That was Therod's very polite greeting toward me upon exiting my ten day jail stay. Its not like I wanted to spend ten days in jail (It doesn't mean I won't break the law, just means I'll try harder not to get caught, obviously), so the implication that I intentionally got sent to jail was ludicrous! She did at least hand me back my sword (hilariously since its actually a powerful magical artifact, but it doesn't look it and she's not some kind of evil creature so she'd never know). So I was protected in the city again (I don't normally carry a revolver in city limits, the temptation to shoot everyone is too great, killing a man with a sword is more work, see idiots of Rosettia you are saved by my lazyness). I was on my way back to my shop when a young man approached me. I could tell he wasn't a native of the guard/red hand lands, by his manor of dress (light fabrics not the heavy duty crap all the plebians where I live love to wear, swear to gods you idiots one reason you smell so awfully is the heavy layers!) and skin color, slighly orange, which spoke more to the people from the east. Well that and his obviously eastern accent (hard to explain an accent, but its very noticeable).

"Master Lorentino." That immediately tensed me up, the only people who call me master are either delusional or looking for money. Sometimes combined into two (delusional money seekers also known as the governement). I looked around to make sure he was the only person, I did note he was carrying a weird sword but no other armament (weird in that it was a fairly long, but exceptionally thin looking blade, which spoke again of being from the east).

"Not so loud kid you might clue the beggars into who I really am." Who am I really? Who are any of us, ponder that and get back to me!

"I'm sorry sir." Referring to me in reverence, another huge red flag.

"What do you want?" I looked around again to make sure I wasn't being followed and he wasn't the set up guy.

"To learn from you master, I have come to be your disciple." That was one of the most terrifying things I've ever heard from someone and I was confused once for the father of someones child ("confused" in that someone was trying to scam me). Though honestly it is sad it took this long for someone to want to learn from the great Trezlan Lorentino. I mean I've tried to teach Nidget all of my wisdom but he does that thing where he talks with his hand implying what I'm saying is not worth listening to. Like an ass. Anyway, read the next entry to learn he wasn't trying to be a necromancer (a tragedy if I never heard one, no one should seek necromancy).

A Just Reward For An Unjust Man

Ten days, thats how long I had to say in jail for the crime of pissing Therod off (there was some bullshit reasoning behind it but I can't be assed to remember what it was). The town as it always tended to do went back to normal business by the time I was let out. Oshujon his duty to bother me satisfied had left by the time I got out, he did visit once, if only to remark how it was so strange to get a jail sentence and not an execution. I tried to explain that it was a more progressive solution, but I was under the impresion he wasn't actually looking to listen to the argument.

Therod of course did not recognize my contribution to saving the town, prefering to believe that the damned in attempt to take my soul actually killed themselves. A theory not exactly wrong, since thats kind of what happened, just not with me specifically. See I realized the sword was taking our life force but not into itself just kind of dispelling it, which meant that either it was extremely wasteful OR it was some kind of anti life being and the way to destory was to let the life flow into it. So I basically reversed the flow of its evil magic to force the life force it was draining into itself, it couldn't handle all the life flow energy and exploded.

So if you ever find yourself fighting a cursed army with a life draining blade, just turn that magic back on them and bang you too can survive. I admit it sounds easier than it is, but I'm sure with practice you can figure this stuff out no issue! I mean I'm only hundreds of years old so its not impossible, just highly improbable.

The Power of Love and Rainbows and uhh *cough* blood magic

Necromantic magic used against you is always a bit of a riddle (a very painful lethal riddle, but a riddle all the same).  I could feel the sword and by extension its owner pulling at my and everyone around me's life force, but I couldn't figure where it was going since it was not going to the sword nor its owner. Which again is not unheard of, but partially confusing since you would think the Undead would want life force to in theory keep unliving (is that a term? It is now). It was then that I surmised the sword wasn't just a cursed evil object, it was some kind of anti life entity, spreading death and destroying life (not the first one I've ran into, it was the most powerful by far). I could tell I had to do something fast or we were all going to become damned ourselves (or just be destroyed by an evil sword, you know either or).

The problem of course was that necromancy is against the law (of man, of government, of goody two shoes who have never used blood magic yet feel the need to judge it like dicks!) and I was very much in public. So I knew I had to act to save all of us, but I also knew I had to not make it look like it was what it was or I'd be executed despite you know saving everyone. So with all of that and the pain of having my life force stripped out of me going on I sliced my hand and caused the world to ignite in white hot searing pain (the previous pain was that of purple slow pain, like the original pain was a lingering limp, this new pain was taking the leg off at the knee). I could hear the screams of everyone around me so I knew it wasn't just me in pain (look when you are using blood magic you have to uhhh hurt everyone, there's a price to pay).

The damned were the ones who felt it the most, the white pain moved from us to them, surged into the cursed blade and fanned out amongst the priests followers like wheat before a scythe cutting them down. The sword then itself exploded taking the PoD with it and showering us all in a nice light storm of white and purple (that could have just been the pain though). Everyone looked around in stunning disbelief, I quietly put my sliced hand in my pocket (thank gods I know a person who can get blood out clothing right?)

"What did you do Lorentino?" That was Therod who instead of cheering assumed I did something awful, which I did, but you know its not like I would admit it.

"Showed the sword the power of love and lollipops, what else?" I left them stunned with that response and shuffled on my way home.  I was sure Therod would show up to arrest me anyway (she did again) but for the time being I felt no need to explain my actions anymore than the gods do (because like the gods I work in mysterious ways, usually horrible with not adequate explination, is it any surprise I too am worshipped?)

Totally Got This Don't Worry

Twenty people who had previously been fighting the damned stopped and stared at a rider and his army. We should have I dunno just kept killing but when someone announces you are doomed you stop and take note of this for some reason (bad guys don't generally do this though, trust me I've tried it several times).  The Priest of the Damned (or Pod for short) had seen better days, it looked like he'd been beheaded and burned (probably because he had in fact been beheaded and burned).  His army of the damned from their style of dress looked to be also of the lands from the west (briefly I wondered about the random people this army must have come in contact with on the way to Rosettia, I liked to imagine they took it in stride "Oh look honey an army of the damned glad they aren't coming to OUR town") Seeing as I was the person with the most army of the damned experience I took the lead (yeah we'll go with that).

"Do you guys have the proper paperwork for a marauding if you don't I'm going to have to ask you to disperse." I'll admit going for the paperwork angle might not have been the smartest move.

The Pod sneered he opened his blackened maw and laughed, which you know did slow him down, "This is the best this world can come up with? A politician?"

"Unelected official thank you very much." I could hear Therod hitting her face with her hand.

"Trezlan shut up you're going to get us..."

"What super killed? Come on Therod let me have this I'm working my mojo." She had to admit I had a point they could only kill us once (well sort of they could then bring us back as damned and then kill us again, so uhh nevermind only once yep).  The PoD tired of being ignored drew the blade up above his head and the world suddenly became pain. I knew it became pain because man alive everything hurt all at once.  At first I couldn't understand what was going on, until I felt weakened, the sword was draining us of our life essence, some kind of necromantic magic. Which made me smile of course, because kids what have I told you over and over about necromancy? Never necromance a necromancer! Wait have I ever said that? Screw it going back and writing that in like every entry ever!

Damn Damned Double Damn

Towns do not react well to calamities. Even Rosettia which seems to be getting attacked every other week (not based on anything I do ever... yep we'll go with that) the people still react like cattle faced with fire.  Some people run, some fight, most just cower and hope things blow over (because they do usually, thanks to the thankless work of yours truly). Which is a nice way of saying when I exited the jail the whole town was in chaos. Some things were on fire, people were running about and the damned were all over being all damned (damn them).

I waded into it like a farmer tends his field, with a bit of a harumph and a sigh I took my sword up and started to cut down the damned (I didn't have a pistol since I don't ordinarily carry one around town, yes I carry a sword, yes I'm that guy in town). There are those who would think "maybe you could cure them?" And to that I say yeah right! I mean they are taken over by the damned they are effectively Damned, at this point they are so damned up with damnedness they are damn lucky that I give a damn to kill them. As is often the case with idiots fighting against the tide I wound up with the group fighting against the undead, which had Oshujon and Therod fighting side by side.

"This is all your damn fault."

"Damned nice to see you too Therod."

"I hope you truely are damned Lorentino I truely to." Therod was of course overjoyed to see me.

"Would you to shut your damned mouths and let us sort out this damned situation." Oshujon was the voice of reason in this damned world.  Of course it was all his fault to begin with so his reasonable was canceled out by it actually being his fault.

"YOU ARE ALL DAMNED!" The voice rose over the din and on a firey horse was the priest Oshujon and his fellows had killed from before, he was wielding the cursed sword (I guess damned sword would be a better choice?) Behind him was an army of the you guessed it and they looked to be enough to crush our small band of resistance fighers.

"Damn." Was all I could think of seeing our imminent destruction. Because I'm inventive!

And I'll Look On and say AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

I'd been waiting patiently in my cell for Therod to come around and realize she needed me (sure sure thats exactly why I was waiting) when I was roused from resting my eyes (totally not sleeping) by the sound of someone finally coming into the Captain's station to free me. I sat up off the bed and waiting for the impatient steps, the harsh language about realizing they can't do this without me and the quick apology with regards to imprisoning me in the first place. I was already readying my response when the boots shuffled through the door to the jail area.

"About time Captain Therod by the way I'm don't really want to... AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!" I have transcribed the exact amount of ahh there, you need that many h's believe me. What was greeting me was not a put upon Therod, no it was some kind of person infused with an undead spirit, glowing eyes evil otherworldly aura, and ugly, though the ugly was the person the spirit had taken over, not exactly its fault.

"You! You will become one with us." The spirit monster tried to reach through the bars, I stepped back (because I'm not an idiot). To my dismay he then bent the bars and started to come inside so I set his dumb spirit person ass on fire (I wasn't shackled since I was there pseudo willingly).  So I kind of sort of set a spirit on fire? Sort of. (I'm going to mark this one as a half goal in my life).  Unfortunately all I really did was set the spirit free from its ugly container (I could tell because it kind of floated off instead of dying in agony like the guy I set on fire).  Which told me the crisis was only going to get worse with each death and not better.

I sighed and got out of my cell, my days of sitting back and hoping someone else would solve the issue were over, and I knew it meant I had to destroy that stupid sword, even if I didn't want to (not out of any desire to not solve the issue, just meant I couldn't sell the dumb thing). So like everything else in life I did something directly against my financial interests for the greater good so I could stop being bothered by the problem that had become too big to ignore.  Honestly that sentence describes my entire life in general.

Well I Would Help, But I'm in Jail

There are few things that jail is nice for. One is the consistent eating schedule (I tend to forget to eat on my own, I believe I have mentioned before my bouts of not actually being hungry), the colorful characters you run into in jail (town drunk, town asshole, town guy who is creepy yet not creepy enough to be locked up forever), you also get to generally avoid a calamity thats affecting the whole town while you are imprisoned (this can also work against you when the calamity comes a knocking, also it ruins the first two benefits of consistent meals and interesting people).

So you can expect shortly after Therod arrested me for posessing a dangerous artifact in town, the artifact got loose and caused problems.  I dutifully waited in my cell like a good boy instead of freeing myself and helping out because screw those people! Seriously lock me up when I was trying to do the right thing? See if I help you when an undead priest of the west comes to town to collect his evil cursed sword and brings an undead army with him! Technically that was all Oshujon's fault anyway since he didn't properly deal with the priest to begin with!

You see my careless disregard for the town I lived in was completely justified because I was unfairly imprisoned in advance for causing a calamity that I hadn't yet caused. Yes this makes total sense, no don't question my motives!