Cult Party For Crazy, Cult Party For Crazy

I clapped, it was all I really had left at this point so I figured why not go all in and really throw the cultists off. I mean when someone shows up at your evil death magic party and they clap that's got to make you wonder who they are and what they are doing there. Also how nutty they must be to find whatever you are doing something worthy of clapping. It was part of my shock and confuse plan that I just made up now. It did work the wannabe necromancers all turned completely confused by the sound of clapping.

"Wonderful, just wonderful, I've seen failures before, but this? This is just a fantastic example of dangerous and uncoordinated, its like watching a baby play with a stick of dynamite." It wasn't exactly wrong, they were using death magic very poorly, but not without power, it was surprising they hadn't all killed themselves. There were six of them, only one looked old enough to even work at the hospital, I assumed he was the leader, the sex split was four males and two females, I suspected this was just an attempt to get into the two women's pants.

"Stay back or we'll kill you." The leader flexed their necromantic muscle and I was kind of saddened at the attempt, he was just trying to show he had power, but all he really showed was how unprepared he was. Like I could see the energy almost rise up and wipe him out.

"Oh I'm staying far back, I just wanted to warn you of your buffoonery before you blow yourselves up." Their inability to cast concentrated necromancy explained why I didn't pick up on it earlier, but it also didn't explain death magic all over the city, because no way could these goof have pulled that off with the limited magic they had in cadavers.

"We're powerful necromancers!" One of the women spoke and I laughed.

"Honey you're a lot of things, but a powerful necromancer? Highly unlikely, here I'll show you." They tensed up, but I didn't want to kill them it would hurt my concience, so I just undid their spell with a wave of my hand. To see the look on their face it was like I killed their puppy.

"What did you do?" The voice was like a teenager who just lost the family horse (look I haven't picked up the new lingo of cars or whatever work with me).

"Showed you how little you know with the power you are messing around with, now give me all your shit and get out of here before I call your parents." I didn't actually know who these idiots parents were, but that was a lot better than "Now get out of here before I show you what a real necromancer can do." Hilariously they did exactly what I told them to do. They gave me their things and left, it actually explained how they got into necromancy, apparently I had forgotten a certain cache of my random musings hundreds of years ago and these idiots had stumbled into it. So they literally were reading stuff I had wrote about using the dead for necromantic power (apparently looking back at my own work, I was close to blowing myself up with this untapped stupidity, the things you learn about your past dumb self, oh the hundreds my most silly century)

I left out of the morgue, making sure to tell the administrators about their trap door to an evil lair (awkward conversation let me tell you, everyone keeps thinking your a necrophile when you say you just came from the morgue and found something interesting). And went home defeated. Sure I found some death magic, but nowhere near the level that the observer was looking for, so I kind of drug my feet coming home for fear he'd be waiting for me. And he was, which means I should have just not gone home like I normally do. Thankfully everything worked out.. Well mostly.

Stumbled Into A Problem

I hate trap doors, and not just because for some odd reason I have a tendency to fall down them. I hate them because they are stupid AND because I have a tendency to fall down them. Like why would you disguise a basement under ground with a door that can be fallen down? Other than you being a horrible asshole of course? Something should either be a hidden wall panel or clearly marked, I don't think this is asking too much!

Falling down a trap door hurts, because you kind of hit the ladder before you slam into the ground so you get the worst of both kinds of falls, a straight drop and a smash into things on the way down. As I collided with the ground I cursed the luck of my new invigorated body getting newly banged up (didn't break anything but I was sore for at least a few days after this). At least the evil necromnancer cave had good lighting (regular lights, I'm guessing because torches while more to the aesthetic they were going for would alert people to fire being below in the morgue). I followed the lighting down a hallway and into a large chamber where there was all kinds of weird chanting going on (I say weird because again I speak all kinds of language and I'm one of the oldest necromancers living and I couldn't understand any of this and it certainly didn't seem to be a spell I'd ever heard of). I was very sad it was another stupid cult, because as I have said so many times in the past I hate cults. I hate cults so much.

My hate of cults is really a life long affair. I think I'll probably end up dead to a cult because I keep running into them in literally every aspect of my life. At some point I'm probably going to run into a cult of people who worship breakfast, and then we'll come into conflict over the proper way to butter toast and this will be a soul crushing affair.

Anyway I'll get to the cult shenanigans next entry, I'm cutting the entry today short because hilariously I have an animal trap latched on to my leg and I'm trying to dislodge it. Yes I know it seems silly to write an entry despite this obvious handicap, such is my dedication to you little journal!

And yet Nothing I wanted Got Done

"Next time you stumble into a kidnapping plot, call the police do not blow up buildings and shoot people." Detective Chandler was none to pleased I had called him when I got arrested, considerably less so he had to effectively alibi me, which as I am to understand it was basically "he's a shit heel, but not responsible for this because of that."

"I'll remember that when I'm locked up without a phone, how is Valrym?" The little man as barely breathing when we left, he was in pretty bad shape last I saw him before they locked me up.

"In a hospital, most likely he'll recover, he seems to have a hardy constitution, I see your up and moving around better I worry because you literally were limping this morning and now you are not, and no I don't want to know, your file is full of stuff like this." Chandler left me there getting my effects from the front desk (keys, wallet, weird rune stones I keep in my pockets even though they don't actually do anything). I figured I should visit Val in the hospital if only to make the doctors gasp how I was walking better without their bullshit help (I am a petty person, how dare they try and heal me the normal way).

Val was staying in a decent room at the hospital, they had all kinds of tubes hooked up to him and bandages wrapped around him. There was at least one other person in the room who looked to be in worse shape, I almost for a moment thought of helping that guy along to the next life and healing Val, but I knew he'd be all anti necromancy despite it saving his life at least once. He wasn't awake when I came in so I sat in a nearby chair and waited for him to wake up. I'm sure having me sitting there when he woke was completely comforting and not scary, I even changed my clothes to my black suit to be all dressed nicely for him!

"Oh you did manage to live."

"That's a nice thing to say to someone who saved your life."

"After almost ending it."

"You don't recall that situation the right way at all, in fact I believe I warned you about standing near that door shortly before it blew up." I could hear a muffled sound from the other man in the room, I forget that normals don't like hearing about my adventures like I enjoy telling them.

"Get out I'm in pain and you're making it worse." I would have stayed but since Valrym was being an ass and I still had to figure out what was causing the death magic I figured it was best to go. Ok well I was going to totally leave the hospital, but I got a scent of death in the air and decided I could spare a moment to look into it (it was of course after all what I was supposed to be doing in the first place prior to being kidnapped). I descended into the morgue like someone following a really good food scent (except in this case the food was death magic, and the scent was rancid, death even in magical form stinks). I should have known that of course a land of death would have death magic in it, but I guess for me it was the combination of modern medical care and old school horrible magic that I hadn't though they would mix together.

The morgue was empty, but the smell lingered (and not just the dead bodies even though they were rank, including the two I had added). I almost wondered if it was some kind of after effect of my own necromancy, and then I stumbled into the real reason. And by that I mean I literally fell down a trap door into a lair of dark magic. What can I say I'm clumsy lucky, like one time I misplaced my keys until I stepped on them, sure I had to get like six shots due to diseases I can't pronounce, but I found my gods damned keys! Of course stumbling into a lair of death magic is a lot worse for you than finding your keys I'll admit.

A Math Lesson In Willingness

The shell hit the ground with a tink, a bouncing clatter that was almost imperceptible compared to the roar of the shotgun as it fired. I remember the shell hitting the ground before the ringing in my ears made it hard to hear anything else. Its one thing people forget about firing guns in enclosed rooms, the noise is tremendous (and by people I mean me because holy crap). The lead guy hit the ground in a slump, whatever the shotgun had been loaded with one shot to the chest did the job of killing him without difficulty. The rest of the men were stunned, or I think they were, I couldn't hear a gods damned thing as I said I deafened myself. Eventually my hearing returned, the surviving non leader of their group was shouting something at me.

"There are four of us and one of you!" This seemed like the hollowest of threats considering they hadn't killed me after I directly killed one of them already.

"And I'm sure I've got four more shells to kill you with." Where as my threat was very much a real thing since I'd already killed two people (the leader plus poor Phil). They started backing up and I knew I had won. See that was the difference between me and others, most of the normals hadn't crossed the line into murder, where as for me that's just another day (something that is sad to admit but here I am). The kidnappers left, and I was able to get Valrym to his feet and moving. We emerged from the basement at someones house in the suburbs thankfully the police were already called due to the explosion. Unfortunately they wanted to talk to me about the two dead bodies inside (the jerks!)

So it was another normal day in the life of Trezlan Lorentino.

Doors The Enemy of Everyone

"Don't stand so close to the door." I had moved away from it myself because it was warm and it still pissed me off. Val was waiting for it to cool down to try the handle, but he was too close to it, I warned him out of a sense the door was dangerous because I apparently can tell the future.

"Why planning on making it even more super heated? Perhaps set me on fire while you are it trapping us more in here than we already are?" Valrym was not letting it go, I tell you some people don't understand clear mistakes. Those people also don't understand how even though you don't apologize, you clearly feel bad. Even though you never say you feel bad, and in fact do the opposite. People should just know that even though I show no signs of contrition I feel it, somewhere, maybe around my butt, but its there in a place I like to not think about.  See I'm very contrite.

Anyway shortly after Val was an idiot the door exploded. Like literally exploded. I recall looking down at my hands thinking that my fire magic had evolved after all these years into being able to transfer kinetic energy into things (and how awesome would that power be? totally awesome) but alas no as the dust cleared I could see the kidnappers standing there in the smoke guns raised. Valrym was blown with the door to the other side of the room he was still breathing but in bad shape.

"Who am I going to kill for that little stunt?" They had guns and explosives, I had a shotgun and fading magical ability. They were so screwed! Not really, but you know I like to think of myself highly!

Ahh Doors My Greatest Enemy

I'll admit it had been years since I'd tried to simply burn a door off its locks, but I had no freaking clue that construction methods had made this almost freaking impossible! Ordinarily I would hit the hinges, but they were on the other side of this gods damned metal monstrosity. I could have tried to blast through the stone, but by the time I'd thought about that I was pretty used up power wise and burgeoning on corruption (you ever tried to lift something that was in theory small, and should have been liftable, but then turns out its actually quite heavy and your attempt to lift it you almost hurt yourself? it was like that). Frustrated at the super heated door in front of me I slumped down defeated.

"Did you even try the handle?"

"No they locked it, or I'm sure they locked it, or with all the fire I used on it its pretty well and sealed now." He frowned at me.

"So in your impatience you trapped us in here when I believe you have told me in the past you actually know how to pick a lock fairly well."

"I killed a man for you Val and this is how you treat me?"

"Like a petulant child who got us trapped in a room? Yes." I grumbled some more about him being a stupid jerk. I also didn't check the body of Phil to see if he had a key to the door, he didn't, but you know I didn't look.

"Yes I trapped us in this room, at least for a day or so when I recover more magically and can..."

"Oh for gods sake." He slumped down now and I felt sort of bad, but not really because look this was Val's fault anyway... Don't think that through just accept the logic and move on!

Relax You Won't Die Probably

"So what do they want money?" I assumed money, but I dunno Val is a bit of a recluse, he could be sitting on a pile of artifacts or the secret to the greatest beer in the world or something.

"Yes they want money Trezlan, what else do people want?"

"Several things, I could give you a list of things I've been asked for over the years, never love though, never been kidnapped for love, but you know what they say never say..."

"Trezlan get to the damn point."

"Why don't you just give them the money and we walk out of her." Grunty who I named Phil despite it probably not being his name seemed to lean in when I suggested just paying them.

"Did you set this up? Is this your way of robbing me Trezlan?"

"No? That's silly I need your help with this death magic thing, but if I was going to rob you I wouldn't have involved idiots like Phil over there, I'd have just killed you and taken your money." Phil did not like that statement one bit.

"Well I don't have any money, I told these assholes that and they punched me."

"You don't have any money?"'

"Not the amount they are looking for, they apparently have a mistaken impression on how much a bar owner really makes in this town. And even if I did have the money as soon as I give it to them they'd kill us." I shrugged.

"Are you really going to kill me phil? After all we've been through."

"My name's not Phil." It was the first thing Phil had said to me the entire time I'd been there, in a way it was heartening, shame it was the last thing he'd say. I burned through my shackles and while it really hurt my wrists to do that I knew I wouldn't be in pain for long. Phil stood up out of his chair at my suddenly being free and leveled his shotgun at me, but fell to the ground a desiccated husk shortly after standing.

"Phil, if only you'd have let me go when I asked you to an hour ago." I felt better, my hip was nog longer busted and I had a shotgun. It was like being a brand new man all over again.

"There are times Trezlan I'm in awe and terror of you as a person." Val of course had to ruin the moment.

"Said every woman I've ever dated Val, now come on lets go deal with your kidnappers." What I should have said is "Lets deal with the stupid heavy iron gods damned door that will not freaking open nor would it simply burn." But these are things you learn after hours of effort later.