I Am Not a Child Murderer

"You know covered in ash you almost look like me."

"I look like a scraggly bearded sort of bald guy that hasn't bathed in a while?" Did I mention Mordere is a casual dick before? Like other people go through effort, but Mordere was literally just listing his observations of me there and it was incredibly dickish.

"I meant you were kind of darker looking covered in ash, but thanks for listing all my faults."

"Those weren't all your faults." Again incredibly dickish. We started walking back to the beach, I didn't bother to loot Hilda's shack because honestly witch crap is all spooky bullshit best left to rot.

"I really hope the person who paid you for this wasn't a dignified looking old lady, because I got some bad news on that front."

"Saved me the trip if you killed her sister, and even if I accepted a contract from a witch, which I wouldn't, I always get the money up front." The lessons you learn from a contract murderer, and I was sad to hear that I was worse than he was in that he wouldn't take a witch's contract.

"So this was a Fire God kill?"

"Well I did burn down her forest, but yes Hilda and her sister have been on our lists for a while, some kind of ritual thing a long time ago no one seemingly remembers exactly why, I just figured it was time to close the books."

"How Polite of you."

"It was a shame so many animals had to die in the fire, but who knows what horrible the witch had done to them, so it's probably for the best, besides scavenger birds will eat hearty for at least a week." Would it come as a surprise that Mordere really likes birds? I'd figure not, I mean they kill exactly like he does, out of nowhere and for seemingly no reason. We arrived at the boat, the child was about to make a comment I saw her lips move and then Mordere's bullet splattered the upper half of her head into the water.  I did notice that instead of blood it was a black goo that withered out of her like so much broken egg yoke, I also noticed the blackness hissed when it hit my boat and sank it shortly thereafter.

"So that happened." I couldn't think of anything else to say.

"Trezlan do you understand how dangerous that creature was?"

"I had it shackled."

"The only thing that saved your life."

"Do I really want to know what it was?"

"No, no you do not." And so I did not learn what the not a child was, thankfully Mordere offered me a way off the island, unthankfully (is that a word? Now it is) he wanted something. Because that's how my life is.

Ash The World Turns

I have remarked before how I'm not that observant.  Its a personal failing, I miss obvious details, I don't pay attention to real problems. After all these years it still remains my greatest weakness (well that and bullets, but unlike bullets I can work on this one!) But even I can tell when an entire island is on fire.  Well not exactly on fire anymore, but having been on fire and filling the area with thick acrid smoke.

"Left a kettle on when you were last here?" The not child had been petulant the whole trip, I don't feel the need to write down all of her pithy little comments, just know they were obnoxious.

"You know its funny I'm the one known for burning down things so this would be a new one on me." Hilariously I'd find out later that Nidget and Andre also burned down Brownwater without me, I tell you this world just likes things to burn. I pulled the boat to shore and could see several places the fire had started and the fuel that had been used.  There was also another boat docked there, but considerably better equipped than my little rowboat. From the island's devastated view point clearly the owner of the boat had come to kill Hilda.  Couldn't say I was too broken up about it, but it did mean I was left with a petulant not child.

"Stay here."

"Where am I going to go, my hands are shackled behind my back."

"Drown, and that would just kill me." It really would I'd be heartbroken I'd have to do something with the body. She made a rude face (it was all she really had) and I moved into the middle of the smoldering forest.Whoever had burned it down knew what they were doing, Not a single living thing managed to survive.  Hilda's shack had managed to make it, I'm guessing through some effort of magical ability from her. Hilda herself had not managed to make it, she had a bullet in her head and several in her chest region (I say region because the kind of high caliber rounds used it became more like a general torso, that and I didn't want to see old lady boobs sue me).  Emerging from the hut was her killer Mordere.

"Mr. Lorentino." Was all he said, his hand already on the handle of his revolver in greeting. I tell you its almost like we weren't friends, which we totally aren't, but still.

Childs Play

"You must be dangerously incompetent for this to have happened to you." The child had recovered from me punching her in the face and felt the need to try and get hit again (look I take lip from all kinds of people, half pint evil children are not amongst that growing group of jerks).

"Says the child shackled and about to be dragged back to your evil master." I had made camp near the boat, thankfully it was still there (if someone had stolen it like I had stolen it I would have been in real trouble). I would have just tossed her in the boat and set about going back to the island, but it was dark and I was bad enough with directions already.

"You do know what she plans on doing with me right?"

"Don't know, don't care.  Look I get that you have the form of a child for whatever resaon, but I know you are no more a child than I am a nice guy." A painful admission.

"Yes most nice guys don't punch children in the face."

"Let them meet you I'm sure they'd figure out a reason to do so."

"You're a horrible person I want you to know that whenever you die things will be waiting for you." Her eyes took on a bit of a glare that would have scared a lesser man.  Me they just well ok it creeped me out.

"Good thing I don't plan on dying." Its true I plan on living forever, necromancy is really useful for this, but if there was a potion, spell, or just herb that accomplished the same thing I'd be all over that.

"I knew I smelled something rotten, you're a necromancer."

"Points for you whatever you are, keep talking though you do it enough and I'll figure out what to sacrifice of my clothing to make a gag, perhaps my underare." The creature glared again but fell silent. It was a moral victory in my mind. I put my hands behind my head and assumed a position to sleep, I couldn't sleep of course, even shackled the creature could kill me should I let it, but I had to at least pretend to rest to keep my spirits up, I'm odd like that.

All the same I could have found the island in the dark if I had known it had been set on fire in my absence, but you know hindsight and all that.  Oh kind of a cliffhanger right? Well its not like the next page isn't just right there silly journal.

Never Trust Children

Hilda had given me instructions on what to return with. They were vague instructions, but she said she needed her "catalyst".  Now I've heard the term used for all sorts of things (including some of my actions being a catalyst for horrible things happening), but what Hilda meant was something I would not have called a Catalyst. I would have called her a GODS DAMNED CHILD! Yes hilda's catalyst was a living child. How did I know that's what she was? Because she bore the mark Hilda told me to look for. I was quite stunned rummaging through the ROL's things to come across the child, locked in a room looking at me with hatred (everyone does that, it was more the child thing than the hatred).

"So Hilda sent someone to get me then?" She was wearing a frilly dress, the kind children wear to something fancy, her tone spoke not of a child though, her voice was unusually older. That combined with Hilda wanting her had me suspect her immediately. So punched her in the face and shackled her immediately.  Yes this makes me kind of sort of a child abuser (look it was just the one child, and several others I haven't written about, wait shit), but I was well past trusting anything at this point and I had the shackles which I intended on using on the ROL, but stupidly didn't (look mistakes happen, look at my entire life).

At least it was night time so when I loaded up an unconcious child shackled on my horse no one was around to ask questions (ROL also again as I noted lived kind of away from everyone else). I was tempted to burn the house down, but not knowing what was inside it outside of a decaying old lady I didn't want to risk blowing myself up.  And so I left, I had to get the little girl back to Hilda and get on with my life.  So you can add child abuse and kidnapping to all my good deeds.

There Are Rules You Know

Paralytic poisons always leave you with a nasty aftertaste. Which doesn't make sense when you didn't drink them! But there I was tied to a table, blood writing on my chest and a taste in my mouth between bog slime and urine (don't ask why I know that flavor). I was bound with what appeared to be some kind of organic vine, most likely the ROL knew the same magic as Hilda and it was a living plant. Thankfully it didn't inhibit magic (because she thought I was a bandit). I couldn't make out all the writing on my chest, but I knew enough about ritual magic to know what the spell generally was, as you can assume it wasn't something I wanted.

"You're really making me feel stupid for not just shooting you." No matter the situation I have to remind people that yes I feel dumb for things. Its a way of humbling myself you see.

"Bandit I think your dumb as shit for a lot of reasons, though I am a bit concerned you have a very weird sword that almost hurts to touch." That earth god blade is like a truth meter for bad people, I swear I should just touch it to someones skin, if they flinch, kill them.

"Stole it from an idiot." Not exactly wrong, though I'm sure Valyrm would find my description of him not very kind.

"Someone dumber than you? Must have been barely breathing." She was working more of the ritual magic, I could feel the slight hum in the air. I wasn't concerned or I would have broken out immediately.

"Give it a minute I'm sure you're about to have that smile wiped off your face."

"You have someone showing up to save you?"

"Nope." She continued on her smug little smile in place, snapping herbs and whispering words.  I could feel the hum picking up, her words got louder the room swirled a bit with the power and she cast her little cauldron of herbs and gods knows what else on me and then she pitched backwards violently, her body convulsing like she'd been stung by a venmous creature. I broke the vines with a simple fire spell and stood up making a sweeping gesture with my hands to clean off the gunk from my chest.

"What did you do?" She muttered out, her body which wasn't in a great state to begin with was rapidly aging faster than before.

"Nothing, you did this to yourself by not writing the magic properly." You see ritual magic is an exact magic, mess a rune here, say a word wrong there and it'll bite you just as bad as its intended target. She intended on making me wither and stealing my life force at the same time, she screwed it up and the spell was reversed. For all her bluster she was as bad at magic as I am at negotiating.

In a way I didn't do as Hilda requested, since I didn't kill the ROL, I let her kill herself. But not to spoil things, but lets just say Hilda didn't really have too much to say in the matter. That will have to wait till the next entry you know how this journal rolls!

Never Trust Old Ladies

Subject says it all. You know everytime I trust anyone in this world they always end up stabbing me in the back. Its why I don't trust Hanlon whatever he is (I don't think he trusts me either, if he's even a he, you know I often wonder that about Hanlon, like do other people see him as a she, would it be appropriate to use male pronouns? This is all mind boggling and probably deserving of a seperate entry, in a book I'd never write). So I didn't follow my own advice when dealing with the ROL and of course she screwed me over.

I thought things were going ok, she brought me to her cottage slightly outside the town limits of where she lived (I knew where it was having stalked her to this point, but still it was the first time she invited me in). She offered me a drink I declined not wanting to get poisoned, then she showed me into her basement (a bad place to be, but again I thought I had the upper hand), it was the usual basement, clutter, witch crap along the walls, rotten smell, you know same as anyones basement.  It wasn't until I was at the foot of the stairs when I realized that there was no other door in the basement and she had just lead me into a trap. Well that and she hit me with a dart that caused paralysis, so two things.

Yep I fell for the old "Welcome to my evil basement now get paralyzed trick" I tell you I should have seen it coming, what with being in front and not behind. I'm the worst robber/looter ever. People often ask me why I don't do more evil things, frankly I'm terrible at them, its an excuse I use for a lot of things.

Just a Friendly Conversation

"Keep your hand where I can see them." The revolver was under the table, the lady dressed in a dress far too fancy for the tavern I had met her in was seated across from me.  She was a regal looking older lady (I say older I'm sure I'm quite older than her but don't look it, the joys of life stealing).  Well maintained grey hair in a bun, wrinkles on her face in all the dignified places. She had weird eyes though, like partially green and then blue and then brown. It was almost as if they shifted the way the light hit them in the dark tavern the light shifted constantly, part of the reason I'd left a note for her to meet me there.

"I see Hilda finally found an idiot to do her job for her."

"Awful mean to someone who has a pistol on you." The details of how I tracked down the nice old lady are pretty boring, as was my trip from Hilda's island back to land (outside of how far I was, that was pretty shocking I tell you my arms were soar as all get out when I made land fall).

"I'm sure I'm hurting your feelings bandit."

"Breaking my heart, look this is a courtesy, I could have done this the messy way." The messy way of course meaning what Hilda actually wanted, killing the regal old lady (or ROL for short).

"I don't think you have the balls baldy, now get to what she wanted or let me go." I'd left a note for ROL on her door, I'd been following her since I'd gotten to town, and she was partially right, I didn't feel right killing her just because some old disfigured hag wanted her dead, I'm a man of principal every once in a long while.

"If I got to what Hilda wanted we wouldn't be having this conversation." I tried to put it politely because we were in public, I mean the place was shady, but saying openly "She wants you dead," is sure to raise ears.

"I see and out of the kindness of your bandit heart you'd rather rob me than loot my corpse."

"Something like that." I didn't dissuade her from thinking I was a bandit, its why I used my pistol instead of the threat of magic. Because when someone is underestimating you, never correct them. She seemed to weigh her options, I understood why, she was thinking of how she could turn this on me without getting her killed, I've made the same calculations in my head more than a few times.

"Fine you win bandit, I'll let you rob me." Let in this case was a lie, but you know what they say, you trust one ROL you get what you deserve.  Ok no one says that, but still its true! And no I don't go around robbing old ladies all the time, I just wait them out and then buy their items at a discount price from disinterested relatives! Totally better!