"I represent the heir to the Hanlon fortune." The guy was dressed in a nice slick suit, the kind of suit you order in pieces and pay a lot of money to have sewn up. He wore it well, even if the man inside it seemed slimier than a sewer.
"I wasn't aware there was either an heir or a fortune." Hanlon wasn't a real person, not like you (well maybe are you real either?) or me, I doubted he had children. I mean the real Hanlon probably did once, but the current incarnation certainly did not. As to his fortune, again I don't know where Hanlon got his weaponry (no factories anymore no delivery, they just seemed to appear out of thin air) nor what he did with the money he aquired. So there could be a fortune, but I doubted very much there was an heir to it.
"Irrelevant, my client would like to meet with you to discuss a business proposition." The way he said business proposition was one of those saying one thing meaning eight hundred different things.
"Let me guess you need me to go somewhere else to meet your client." He smiled and produced a train ticket and a ticket for a boat, gods do I hate boats.
"It's all been arranged Mr. Lorentino, he's even willing to pay for your shops downtime since you appear to be without a staff to keep it open." True Nidget was doing Nidget things, and despite having turned my shop over to other people in the past, I wasn't doing that now.
"All for a meeting with someone who might get money later, you'll have to forgive me Mr.?"
"Simons."
"Mr. Simons, I'm a bit leery, and I have had some issues in the past with these kind of deals going south very fast."
"I assure you Mr. Lorentino you'll have the time of your life, consider this a vacation with some business on the side." Being that I'm a liar all the time, this felt like eight different kind of lies. I was intrigued that they sent such a confident liar to trick me into a meeting. Afraid, but intrigued. So of course I accepted. I shouldn't have, recent/past/every experience I ever had said this was a bad move, but I love making bad moves, helps keep me alive. Well not really. Also no spider monsters today either (you totally thought I wouldn't keep doing that, YOU THOUGHT WRONG!)
Tuesday, April 30, 2013
Monday, April 29, 2013
There Are No Spider Monsters here
"This is entirely uneccesary." Therod's people were looking through my store shelves and supply for anything magical. How you look for that stuff is beyond me, especially for people who were decidely not magical themselves, but I would never correct my betters ever.
"Lorentino I know you have objects here you are no supposed to have so just show me them and we can move on to the fining phase of this." Therod using logic only someone who enforces laws could come up with. "Look I can't prove anything, so you do the hard part for me and we can than arrest you."
"How about no to both? I mean honestly Therod this is how you repay me for saving your life." She grumbled and kept looking I shrugged at Nidget and he yawned. See this is the excitement that makes up my life! Outside of the inspection (they found nothing) there wasn't a lot going on. Nidget would leave a week later to do Nidget stuff and I was left alone to manage the store I'd been ignoring to fight in foreign wars (gods I wish I was making that up). My days were quite boring, I had the occaisional check of my store from Therod, but outside of that nothing was going on. I just sat around sold some objects and waiting for the next idiotic adventure (there are always idiotic adventures).
It took a month, but it came along when a man in a huge hat came walking into the store with a vacation opportunity. Let this be a lesson kids, when a man offers you a vacation opportunity, just say no. Also happy to report no spider monsters today.
"Lorentino I know you have objects here you are no supposed to have so just show me them and we can move on to the fining phase of this." Therod using logic only someone who enforces laws could come up with. "Look I can't prove anything, so you do the hard part for me and we can than arrest you."
"How about no to both? I mean honestly Therod this is how you repay me for saving your life." She grumbled and kept looking I shrugged at Nidget and he yawned. See this is the excitement that makes up my life! Outside of the inspection (they found nothing) there wasn't a lot going on. Nidget would leave a week later to do Nidget stuff and I was left alone to manage the store I'd been ignoring to fight in foreign wars (gods I wish I was making that up). My days were quite boring, I had the occaisional check of my store from Therod, but outside of that nothing was going on. I just sat around sold some objects and waiting for the next idiotic adventure (there are always idiotic adventures).
It took a month, but it came along when a man in a huge hat came walking into the store with a vacation opportunity. Let this be a lesson kids, when a man offers you a vacation opportunity, just say no. Also happy to report no spider monsters today.
Friday, April 26, 2013
Oww My Head OH SHIT SPIDER!
Waking up after getting hit in the head with a door is always a tireseome experience. First you have to get your bearings (how did you fall, did you smash anything on the way down, etc etc), then you have that horrible head pain from where the impact occurs (that usually lasts a couple hours, really bad hits can last a few days). Then you have to deal with whatever knocked you out (rock creature, precariously placed package, Nidget that last one several times). Its become old hat for me, but at the same time I still have things that cause me to pause after recovering from a bump on the head.
Take for instance this sewer adventure, I came to what felt like a few minutes past getting knocked out. I noticed there were a couple dead bodies of guards near my feet, probably killed by Therod. I could hear shouting coming from down the hallway, so I stumbled towards it. As I rounded the corner I came into what looked more like a central chamber, along the walls were more of those damned spider eggs, corpses underneath them probably for the little monsters to eat when they woke up, and a gigantic spider was fighting Therod and Nidget in the middle.
Nidget was on its back pounding it with his fists and doing absolutely nothing. Therod was using what looked like Jenkins arm and a sword to try and keep the huge fangs from impaling her (how did I know it was Jenkins arm you ask? His armless body laying near by). I was tempted at first to just believe this was some kind of impact related fantasy (it would sadly not be my first) but knowing what I had come from prior to being knocked out this seemed pretty real. My second instinct was to go "Well good luck with that" and leave, but per my speech prior to getting knocked out I was a problem solver, and a gigantic spider with a bunch of her young in the sewers of the town I lived in was a huge freaking problem.
Fire, fire was the solution (it truely is the cure to just about everything, well aside from fires and fire monsters, but you know the first one has a counter in water and we were in a sewer, and the second thing doesn't happen that often, shit wait by me writing that it means I'm destined now to deal with more fire monsters, damn you universe). I burned the eggs, I burned the spider creature, I even burned some bodies because when you're on a roll you uhhh set fire to more things. The smell was pretty bad, but it was the sewers so its not like it was a flowery field to begin with. Nidget and Therod were totally appreciative of my efforts, and by that I mean they cursed me for almost setting them both on fire, and the day was won.
The tax division hired a new guy to collect property taxes, Therod thanked me for my efforts by raiding my store looking for magical objecst and found nothing, and Nidget kept being an annoying little jerk. Tada life went back to normal. At least we didn't have to deal with spider monters for a little bit. And thats always a good thing to right down in any daily journal "No spider monsters today" in fact I'll start marking that down more often!
Take for instance this sewer adventure, I came to what felt like a few minutes past getting knocked out. I noticed there were a couple dead bodies of guards near my feet, probably killed by Therod. I could hear shouting coming from down the hallway, so I stumbled towards it. As I rounded the corner I came into what looked more like a central chamber, along the walls were more of those damned spider eggs, corpses underneath them probably for the little monsters to eat when they woke up, and a gigantic spider was fighting Therod and Nidget in the middle.
Nidget was on its back pounding it with his fists and doing absolutely nothing. Therod was using what looked like Jenkins arm and a sword to try and keep the huge fangs from impaling her (how did I know it was Jenkins arm you ask? His armless body laying near by). I was tempted at first to just believe this was some kind of impact related fantasy (it would sadly not be my first) but knowing what I had come from prior to being knocked out this seemed pretty real. My second instinct was to go "Well good luck with that" and leave, but per my speech prior to getting knocked out I was a problem solver, and a gigantic spider with a bunch of her young in the sewers of the town I lived in was a huge freaking problem.
Fire, fire was the solution (it truely is the cure to just about everything, well aside from fires and fire monsters, but you know the first one has a counter in water and we were in a sewer, and the second thing doesn't happen that often, shit wait by me writing that it means I'm destined now to deal with more fire monsters, damn you universe). I burned the eggs, I burned the spider creature, I even burned some bodies because when you're on a roll you uhhh set fire to more things. The smell was pretty bad, but it was the sewers so its not like it was a flowery field to begin with. Nidget and Therod were totally appreciative of my efforts, and by that I mean they cursed me for almost setting them both on fire, and the day was won.
The tax division hired a new guy to collect property taxes, Therod thanked me for my efforts by raiding my store looking for magical objecst and found nothing, and Nidget kept being an annoying little jerk. Tada life went back to normal. At least we didn't have to deal with spider monters for a little bit. And thats always a good thing to right down in any daily journal "No spider monsters today" in fact I'll start marking that down more often!
Thursday, April 25, 2013
And the Mockery of My Life Continues
"You're standing too close to the door." Therod, Nidget and I were waiting for our captors to open their heavy iron door and let us pummel the crap out of them (and burn them can't forget the burning).
"I'm standing in perfect position to jump our captors with my magic fury."
"Magic fury seriously Trezlan?" Nidget as always was being a dick.
"I'm a writer Nidget, Magic Fury is huge." I am, and it totally is, I'm starting to sell a lot of products with Magic Fury on them, sure its written on the bottom barely legible, but its there and its catching on!
"Just get back from the door Lorentino." Therod still doubted my abilities. I tell you its like I haven't lived hundreds of years and that doesn't demand respect! Well I have and it does! Sure I don't tell people that because I don't want to get lynched/burned at the stake/something else horrible. But learn from my wisdom plebians!
"No I want to show you and Nidget that I am the true person in control here, I solved this whole issue and I'll be the one to fix it, because thats what I do, I take stupid peoples little problems and rectify them even though I don't actually want to, but you guys bug me so much that I feel I have to." I was intending on going on longer but the door suddenly swung open and clocked me right between the eyes knocking me out. Yes they warned me to not be so close to the door, and I didn't listen to them. So there I was my big moment of heroism and I got knocked out at the start. I tell you its almost like I'm not really a hero at all.
"I'm standing in perfect position to jump our captors with my magic fury."
"Magic fury seriously Trezlan?" Nidget as always was being a dick.
"I'm a writer Nidget, Magic Fury is huge." I am, and it totally is, I'm starting to sell a lot of products with Magic Fury on them, sure its written on the bottom barely legible, but its there and its catching on!
"Just get back from the door Lorentino." Therod still doubted my abilities. I tell you its like I haven't lived hundreds of years and that doesn't demand respect! Well I have and it does! Sure I don't tell people that because I don't want to get lynched/burned at the stake/something else horrible. But learn from my wisdom plebians!
"No I want to show you and Nidget that I am the true person in control here, I solved this whole issue and I'll be the one to fix it, because thats what I do, I take stupid peoples little problems and rectify them even though I don't actually want to, but you guys bug me so much that I feel I have to." I was intending on going on longer but the door suddenly swung open and clocked me right between the eyes knocking me out. Yes they warned me to not be so close to the door, and I didn't listen to them. So there I was my big moment of heroism and I got knocked out at the start. I tell you its almost like I'm not really a hero at all.
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
Its Not That Bad
"Great I'm going to die next to Lorentino and his bad breath." That was Therod I tell you she always finds little things to say to me that are patently insulting. Like bad breath or that I'm a murderer or whatever.
"Its not that bad." It isn't, ok maybe it is I don't know these things, I take breath mints even!
"Its horrible Trezlan its why I'm glad I'm facing this direction upside down." Nidget being helpful as usual.
"Shouldn't we be more concerned with the potential spider doom, than my bad breath." There I go being rational everyone else being all who they are.
"You're bad breath will be with us forever the spiders are a minor issue." Nidget used a blade hidden in the heel of one of his shoes to cut his rope and drop to the ground, once there he kicked the spider eggs into the wall and they exploded in purple slime.
"You could have done that the whole time?"
"Of course, but I had to see what they wanted first before I freed myself, death to spider egg seems well unpleasant." I imagine it is, I mean as the premier spider killer in this group I'm completely averse to spider death. Like its on my top 10 list of ways I don't want to die.
"Pavarossi just get us out of here."
"I dunno Captain Therod what will you give me for freeing you?" As always Nidget was opportunistic.
"I won't kill you immediately for implying you'd leave me here."
"Fair enough, and I know Trezlan will just say he won't be as assholish to me in the future which he already breaks by saying that." True true, I am predictable. Nidget broke the blade off his heel and used it to unlock us (industrious little bugger that one).
"So we've got no weapons except Nidget's little boot knife."
"I broke that in Trezlans shackles, so no knife."
"Ok so no weapons."
"You don't need weapons you have me I am born of fire and destruction! I will destroy our enemies with fiery damnation!" I even conjured fire to show my awesome ability.
"Have a way to burn open a metal door in a stone sewer oh great firemancer?" Therod doubting my abilities as usual.
"Well yes but no, I mean I can but it would cook us inside and leave me without any magical ability."
"Oh how the mighty have fallen." I tell you its like they didn't think the door would open again. I mean it did obviously and I totally helped destory the spider cult of course. But its like you have one small little delay in your righteous fury and people think you are powerless! And by people I mean Therod who's a total dick, yes ladies can be dicks.
"Its not that bad." It isn't, ok maybe it is I don't know these things, I take breath mints even!
"Its horrible Trezlan its why I'm glad I'm facing this direction upside down." Nidget being helpful as usual.
"Shouldn't we be more concerned with the potential spider doom, than my bad breath." There I go being rational everyone else being all who they are.
"You're bad breath will be with us forever the spiders are a minor issue." Nidget used a blade hidden in the heel of one of his shoes to cut his rope and drop to the ground, once there he kicked the spider eggs into the wall and they exploded in purple slime.
"You could have done that the whole time?"
"Of course, but I had to see what they wanted first before I freed myself, death to spider egg seems well unpleasant." I imagine it is, I mean as the premier spider killer in this group I'm completely averse to spider death. Like its on my top 10 list of ways I don't want to die.
"Pavarossi just get us out of here."
"I dunno Captain Therod what will you give me for freeing you?" As always Nidget was opportunistic.
"I won't kill you immediately for implying you'd leave me here."
"Fair enough, and I know Trezlan will just say he won't be as assholish to me in the future which he already breaks by saying that." True true, I am predictable. Nidget broke the blade off his heel and used it to unlock us (industrious little bugger that one).
"So we've got no weapons except Nidget's little boot knife."
"I broke that in Trezlans shackles, so no knife."
"Ok so no weapons."
"You don't need weapons you have me I am born of fire and destruction! I will destroy our enemies with fiery damnation!" I even conjured fire to show my awesome ability.
"Have a way to burn open a metal door in a stone sewer oh great firemancer?" Therod doubting my abilities as usual.
"Well yes but no, I mean I can but it would cook us inside and leave me without any magical ability."
"Oh how the mighty have fallen." I tell you its like they didn't think the door would open again. I mean it did obviously and I totally helped destory the spider cult of course. But its like you have one small little delay in your righteous fury and people think you are powerless! And by people I mean Therod who's a total dick, yes ladies can be dicks.
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
Obvious Reasons For Villainy
"Cease your babbling!" It was Jenkins, the obvious culprit. Well not really the obvious culprit up until he emerged I thought he was the victim of these cultists but no apparently he was leading them.
"Jenkins!" I tried to sound jovial, it was nice to see him.
"Lorentino, Therod, and I don't know who the shorty is." Poor Nidget, he'd even paid my property taxes a few times, guess Jenkins really was a racist.
"Jenkins unshackle me and I promise you'll get a quick clean death." Therod's idea of negotiation. Nidget was silent, I think he was really angry Jenkins did not remember him.
"Yeah about no Captain Therod, you will be one of the first of our glorious new soldiers that will bring our god back to life!" Have I mentioned I hate cultists? I hate cultists.
"You're god? Which one I just have to know." What can I say I'm inquisitive about being that would kill me.
"You should know you murderer you killed her in the first place." Jenkins was quite upset about that, but to be honest I've killed what 2 and a half gods at this point? Like really you'd have to be more specific.
"Can you be more specific?" Jenkins had a hood on and he pulled it back to reveal eggs growing on his head, spider eggs, large ones.
"Does this clarify it for you?" I wanted to be an asshole and pretend not to, but you know sometimes you just have to roll with the punches and not put the two people with you in more danger. Well that and of course it clarified it for me.
"Oh right that spider thing I killed, gods how long ago was that? I mean Dad was still alive so carry the two..." Ok so I was still an asshole just a different type. Jenkins just chuckled, the other cultists/creatures (they were wearing hoods they could have been spider creatures like on the island).
"Joke all you want Lorentino, I'll leave you and your friends a gift from our god, the world will remember Jenk Jenkins when we overtake it with her glorious spawn!" He removed a couple of his head eggs and left the area, the eggs squirmed unsettling on the ground, the door locked tight behind him and his cronies.
"Jenk Jenkins? Wow that makes sense, I mean I'd start a spider death cult too." That was Nidget, NIDGET FOR GODS SAKE! But we all pretty much agreed, I mean the spider death was still a possibility, but at least we knew why Jenkins did it. I mean Jenk? What asshole parents, I say this as someone named Trezlan.
"Jenkins!" I tried to sound jovial, it was nice to see him.
"Lorentino, Therod, and I don't know who the shorty is." Poor Nidget, he'd even paid my property taxes a few times, guess Jenkins really was a racist.
"Jenkins unshackle me and I promise you'll get a quick clean death." Therod's idea of negotiation. Nidget was silent, I think he was really angry Jenkins did not remember him.
"Yeah about no Captain Therod, you will be one of the first of our glorious new soldiers that will bring our god back to life!" Have I mentioned I hate cultists? I hate cultists.
"You're god? Which one I just have to know." What can I say I'm inquisitive about being that would kill me.
"You should know you murderer you killed her in the first place." Jenkins was quite upset about that, but to be honest I've killed what 2 and a half gods at this point? Like really you'd have to be more specific.
"Can you be more specific?" Jenkins had a hood on and he pulled it back to reveal eggs growing on his head, spider eggs, large ones.
"Does this clarify it for you?" I wanted to be an asshole and pretend not to, but you know sometimes you just have to roll with the punches and not put the two people with you in more danger. Well that and of course it clarified it for me.
"Oh right that spider thing I killed, gods how long ago was that? I mean Dad was still alive so carry the two..." Ok so I was still an asshole just a different type. Jenkins just chuckled, the other cultists/creatures (they were wearing hoods they could have been spider creatures like on the island).
"Joke all you want Lorentino, I'll leave you and your friends a gift from our god, the world will remember Jenk Jenkins when we overtake it with her glorious spawn!" He removed a couple of his head eggs and left the area, the eggs squirmed unsettling on the ground, the door locked tight behind him and his cronies.
"Jenk Jenkins? Wow that makes sense, I mean I'd start a spider death cult too." That was Nidget, NIDGET FOR GODS SAKE! But we all pretty much agreed, I mean the spider death was still a possibility, but at least we knew why Jenkins did it. I mean Jenk? What asshole parents, I say this as someone named Trezlan.
Monday, April 22, 2013
Torturous Logic
"Why am I hanging upside down?" Nidget of course was the one to break the blessed silence that had fallen over us since we had woken up in the dungeon? Place of captivity? Lifes little hang up?
"Its tortrue Pavarossi its why I'm shackled next to Lorentino instead of somewhere else."
"That hurt Captain Therod, if I could point I'd point right at my chest where you just stabbed my heart." It really did injure me, I was close to crying.
"But you guys aren't hanging upside down." It was a decent question to ask it pained me to admit.
"Look its because you're short Nidget thats why they did it to you, because you're a shorty and this was their way of restraining you." I swear he was dancing around it and I just had to say it. Yes they punished him because of racism.
"Thank you for admitting it, you're all racist against my kind."
"Here we go."
"What? Why do you say that everytime I point this out?"
"Because Nidget you're an asshole which is why people do bad things to you, does that mean people aren't racist towards shorties? Nope they clearly are, but in specificness to you, you're an asshole, like me, it has nothing to do with our race and everything to do with being assholes."
"Wow Lorentino I'm amazed you admit that." Captain Therod actually sounded shocked.
"Well you still judge both of us because you're a racist Therod."
"Ok thats it when they come in I'm screaming to get moved elsewhere."
"I hope you do, that way Trezlan and I can continue our erudite discussion on your imposing restrictions due to our races."
"I hate you both so much." So I guess Therod was right, we were there to torture her, and like most things in life why fight it is my method of operation. Thankfully for her she didn't have to wait long for our captors to do something with us. Unfortunately for her (and us) that something was well you'll have to wait till the next entry!
"Its tortrue Pavarossi its why I'm shackled next to Lorentino instead of somewhere else."
"That hurt Captain Therod, if I could point I'd point right at my chest where you just stabbed my heart." It really did injure me, I was close to crying.
"But you guys aren't hanging upside down." It was a decent question to ask it pained me to admit.
"Look its because you're short Nidget thats why they did it to you, because you're a shorty and this was their way of restraining you." I swear he was dancing around it and I just had to say it. Yes they punished him because of racism.
"Thank you for admitting it, you're all racist against my kind."
"Here we go."
"What? Why do you say that everytime I point this out?"
"Because Nidget you're an asshole which is why people do bad things to you, does that mean people aren't racist towards shorties? Nope they clearly are, but in specificness to you, you're an asshole, like me, it has nothing to do with our race and everything to do with being assholes."
"Wow Lorentino I'm amazed you admit that." Captain Therod actually sounded shocked.
"Well you still judge both of us because you're a racist Therod."
"Ok thats it when they come in I'm screaming to get moved elsewhere."
"I hope you do, that way Trezlan and I can continue our erudite discussion on your imposing restrictions due to our races."
"I hate you both so much." So I guess Therod was right, we were there to torture her, and like most things in life why fight it is my method of operation. Thankfully for her she didn't have to wait long for our captors to do something with us. Unfortunately for her (and us) that something was well you'll have to wait till the next entry!
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