There Done, Now Can you Help Me?

There are certain things with this world I'll never understand. Why shorties are allowed to live, how and why certain aspects of our life become gods while others become annoyances, and how in the living madness Valerind Mordere was able to call his pistol to his hand. The last one of course being the one that is most relevant to this entry (though the middle one can always become relevant). Allow me to paint the scene.

We were chained up, I was still sort of paralysed and thus leary of using my magic, the snot creature was still making its digusting noises, and Mordere had his eyes clothes and was chanting some weird prayer to the fire god. And then all of a sudden his pistol flew into his hand he shot the chain holding his foot, the snot creature turned to spit its venom on him again (venom not poison, because class it came from a creature), and he put three bullets into its face/mouth/facemouth? while he was standing up. It was quite amazing if only completely confusing. Mordere has no magic, I know this, he's kind of an anti magic kind of guy. And yet he called a pistol to his hand completely through the power of prayer? It was more than a little bit confusing.

"How did you, what did you? Are you?" Mordere undid the chain to my foot and I came colliding into the ground a lot less graceful than he was.

"The Fire God provides, now Mr. Lorentino we must be going." And away we went, I swear to whatever gods I believe in my life is just moments between dicks needing my help.

Everyone Asigns Fault Like It Matters

"This is all your fault you realize that right." We were hanging up side down by chains. Mordere had been stripped of his firearms, I still had my magic, but was dealing with paralysis in parts of my body which had me cautious to use it.

"I fail to see how this is my fault." We'd been dragged under my shop by the snot creature (seriously it looked like a lump of snot with teeth, where its eyes were, were beyond me). I could see from discarded corpses around it had been feeding on them, which made its request for pastries all the weirder.

"You couldn't see past an allusion to know this creature was nearby and attempting to get you to feed it, now we are about to be eaten by it."

"Well sure when you say it like that it seems I might possibly bear fault for this." There was a large bonfire in the middle which I assumed was to cook us. It did explain why my shop always smelled like smoke, I just assumed Nidget had taken up smoking a lot while I was gone. I make a lot of dumb assumptions.

"Well don't keep me waiting magic us out of this."

"I can't like wag a finger and solve our problems Mordere, magic doesn't work like that." Ordinarily, I mean magic has worked like that for some people, I am not one of those people.

"Trezlan I'm pretyt sure he intends on eating us."

"I'm pretty sure if you keep talking it has ears and can hear us." Mordere looked at me with scorn, such scorn! I tell you for someone who has one dead eye he can stare through you with the ferocity of two. After giving me a proper eyeball hating moment Mordere started to go into a trance. Which left me to just stare at the booger as it continued to work on something. I mean its back was to us, I have no idea what it was doing, but the sounds alone were giving me cause for alarm I don't mind telling you. Thankfully I was a few minutes away from Mordere saving us both, unthankfully I was a few minutes away from Mordere forcing me to do something I didn't want to do.

Can't Talk Right Now Pastries

"But why the damned pastries, it doesn't make sense, why would he need or want pastries but not actually get them? Perhaps a sign from the gods, my life is to make baked goods? I mean I can conjure fire, perhaps, perhaps I am the one true baker god." I was mumbling to myself, the man had come and gone several times, and each time I felt he was breaking my brain. The pastries question consumed me. I had no idea it was so easy to break my brain, but this man had accomplished it like a brain breaking master.

"Trezlan."

"I can barely create food thats edible, but I've never tried baking, maybe its a latent talent?"

"Trezlan." I could barely hear the voice of the person at the counter, I half expected it to be pastry man, but he never called me by name, just showed up and started demanding I serve pastries.

"Too busy, must solve this issue, go away someone else will help you." I hadn't looked up, if I had I might have been a bit more concerned with who I just told to go away.

"Trezlan Lorentino you did not just tell me you are too busy to help me." I lifted my head up and saw it was none other than the master of death himself Valerind Mordere. He looked a little worse for wear than he normally did, but still just as deadly as ever.

"I can't Mordere, I'm sorry, but the pastries!"

"You've been babbling about pastries since I arrived, what the madness is wrong with you?" He almost sounded concerned if there was such an emotion he could ever feel.

"There's a guy, he only visits me, he only ever comes here, and he wants pastries, HE WANTS PASTRIES MORDERE!" I'll admit saying it out loud and now writing it down this sounds pretty bat shit crazy. Even for me.

"Trezlan I swear to the fire god herself the one time I need your idiotic help and you are crazier than normal." It was more of a curse to himself than a statment toward me, but it was nice he admitted he needed me.

"THERE HE IS!" The pastry man arrived, though he looked different than before. Mordere turned around and then back to me.

"Trezlan there is no one there?"

"He's right behind you Mordere!" Mordere turned around again and saw nothing, he didn't register the pasty man at all. The pastry man also seemed to not regard Mordere at all.

"I still don't see anything."

"Curse your one eyed idiocy! He's right there!" Pastry man was surpingly quiet, like he normally would have started talking by this point. I was about to comment on that when a rumble emerged from behind me, suddenly a gigantic creature emerged, it sprayed me and Mordere with some kind of fluid that paralyzed us and then drug us back to its lair. He couldnt' talk, but I was just positive Mordere was saying he told me so. I CAN TELL BY THE STARE!

Stop Talking, Stop Talking Forever

"Pastries!"

"Pastries?'

"Pastries."

"No." The man in front of me was not a chef, nor was he a baker, nor was he someone who I often had spoken with, nor was he someone I cared to speak with ever again. He was an annoying customer, the kind that never buys anything yet takes up most of my time (so basically the customer version of myself). He was trying to tell me I needed to sell food, because firearms and sticky baked treats always works out fantastically. I was really at a loss as to why he thought I personally needed to sell pastries, especially since within sight range of my store was at least two seperate places to buy food.

"You're not even listening to what I'm saying."

"You're completely right, I am not listening at all." People always get this shocked look on their face when I'm honest with them, which is confusing to me, they want honesty, and yet are surprised to get it. Proving once and for all no one wants what they want. He got a nasty look on his face and left. I smiled, my smile would vanish when he returned three more freaking times! I swear to god this man and his stupid want of pastries in every place he shopped was going to drive me crazy.

I half expected him to be Therod or Valrym messing with me, but no neither one had ever heard of him, nor did they know why he wanted pastries! I checked with local bakers, who also claimed he had never visited them either. So this little jerk was just coming to me to get me to sell pastries and yet he never actively sought out the people who actually make the damn things! When this came to my attention I was so angry! So angry I wasn't at least clued in something was probably not right with pastry guy.

Look don't look at me like that, I just sank a pirate ship on my vacation, I WAS A BIT BEHIND!

Vacation's Over Time to Pretend to Work

"So I sunk a pirate ship, booked passage on that merchant vessel and I returned home."

"Trezlan do you ever, ever consider I don't want to hear what you claim you did when you aren't here?"

"No Val, because that would imply I care what you think."

"You're such a dick, I'd ban you for life, but you'd probably kill yourself, somehow get resurrected and then claim since you died I'd have to let you back in."

"Nonsense I'd just ignore you'd banned me and you'd forget after a hundred years or so."

"Hate you so much Lorentino." Valrym just loves me. I swear he claims to hate my stories yet he always asks me about them. I mean I don't include those parts because obviously I am a modest man, but know that every time I return he raptly sits at his end of the bar and demands I tell him about my travels. Swear to whatever gods you believe in that is absolutely true. I was happy I was away for all the rebuilding things going on in town, because I guess they had a real bad issue with vermin I missed out on. Therod also staged four separate public executions of traitors which was really depressing (I knew three of those people, they were kind of dicks).

My shop was in good order. Nidget had returned to working and gave me all the orders for stuff people wanted (seriously people asked me all the time to get new stuff in, I continued to tell them I sell what I sell stop acting like I care, the request kept coming). Upon my return he told me he was going on vacation and I waved him off, because to me that little bastard is always on vacation (ignore that he works more often than I do, ok done). So things were back to the way they should be and my vacations were all done for the time being.

And for the next two hundred years nothing ever changed... Just kidding, two freaking days later something stupid happened. Swear to gods.

Mission Successful, Can I Go Home?

Floating on a plank amidst the ruins of my victory I started to think if perhaps I did the right thing? Like instead of sinking the pirates I should have come up with a way to improve their lot in life so as to keep them away from piracy. I could have taught them all valuable skills and they could have ushered in a new era of specialty product production on their tiny crappy island Nah just kidding I was completely happy with myself and just wish I'd thought of a better way of getting away. I mean you've read the other entries right? At what point do I do anything that doesn't directly benefit myself? EXACTLY!

Still the floating was obnoxious, I mean looking back I got picked up in a couple days (merchant vessel, I did at least position myself in a ship lane, so in a way I did have an escape plan). I created entirely new games to play based on how particular bits of junk floating in the ocean. No I won't bore you with what they involved, just know yes you can lose in your own made up game and complain to yourself about the rules that you yourself created.

As far as young Rowan she actually became one of the most fearsome pirates the world has ever seen. Yes apparently the island really needed the pirates and not so much the fish. So Rowan like a true Lorentino (though not identifying herself as such) filled the vacancy in the market place. Of course because piracy is still a male dominated field she had to pretend to be a man (a tragedy for all equality in the world let me tell you), she actually took my name and went by Trezlan the Red. I'd like to think it was because of how I freed her from the shackles of being a fisherman, but I know it was probably more an insult directed at me that just stuck. It did cause me issues though, I was arrested four times accused of piracy! Never convicted, but still it was an inconvenience!

I did have to laugh that in the lore of Trezlan the Red, I am listed as the hired gun she brought in to sink her rival pirates (legends never get timelines right, so of course in the legend Rowan was a pirate long before she actually became one). So now you know the rest of the story, mostly, I'm skipping a lot of really awful things, kidding! Maybe.

Didn't Exactly Think That Far Ahead

I was on a boat loaded with explosives waiting for the pirates to pull up along side it. This was in my own opinion a brilliant plan. Where as trying to just burn their ship would probably be successful, it would not be anywhere near as fun. The ship itself was pretty garbage, I mean I wanted to blow up a pirate ship, but I didn't want to spend a lot of money (the black powder alone was quite the expense!) so the sails barely could carry the wind, the rudder couldn't keep the ship straight and I had no crew. Honestly I was surprised the pirates wanted to board my ship to begin with, but I guess the prospect of hitting an easy target was too much for simple minded moron pirates. I mean I did put out false info I was a cheap merchant hauling back a bunch of goods on the cheapest boat possible without guards. I only hoped I hadn't put it on too thick.

And I hadn't, the pirates had fired a shot to get me to stop (something I was all too happy to do because it meant I could stop fighting with the damn ship to actually go where I wanted it to). They were terrible pirates though, the "warning" shot they fired almost went right into my hull which would have sunk the damn ship (if not blown it up), they also seemed to have trouble steering their ship entirely it took them three passes to even get it lined up to board. Their boarding ropes were equally a horrible affair as they missed over and over again until I actually had to help them land and hook me in. They were the worst pirates I'd ever heard of.

"YOU?!" The tone was accusatory by the fat pirate who waddled over the gang plank to pillage my ship.

"Me." And then I lept overboard tossing a gout of flame as I went. It exploded the ship and took the pirate ship with it. The explosion tossed me like a child throws a rock. I hit the water hard and barely managed to stay concious. And I so wanted to be there for watching the pirate ship burn in the afternoon sun. It was only while I was trying to stay afloat in the middle of the ocean no other ship nearby I thought I had no way of getting back to port or an island. I had not at all thought that part through.

"Well Shit." Another fantastic Lorentino plan come to fruition.