"Both sides of the river." Nidget and Andre were surveying our enemies. I was well writing a journal entry. Look I sacrifice so much to keep these things going, I can't remember what I was writing, but I'm sure that entry had a bunch of tenseness to it because I was feeling really tense. The Bandits we were not there to stop but had suddenly become integral in stopping had split their force and had blocked both avenues into town (which meant they had planned their attack in advance because as I said before you couldn't ford the river safely, so they had to have come up with the strategy at a previous bridge).
"Numbers?" That was Andre, Nidget was the one with the spy glass.
"Can't tell lot of them." Andre gave Nidget a dirty look and took the spy glass.
"32 on one side, 15 the other."
"That's a lot of guys for one bartender, and a junior one at that." My contribution to the conversation.
"Trezlan would you please at least pretend you're involved here."
"I'm helping."
"By doing what exactly?"
"Chronicling our adventures." I was not actually chronicling this adventure at the time, but I am now! That totally counts.
"I get the impression Mr. Lorentino doesn't want to be here."
"Really? What clued you in, all the constant whining or the fact that he's the one person not actually prepared for battle."
"I'm right here you know and those words hurt Nidget, we all get prepared in our own ways. I am making sure people know we died as stupidly as possible."
"YOU THREE COME DOWN HERE!" Apparently while we were talking those bandits that had set themselves up for a pincer attack pinced, and we were caught right in the middle of it. You know its times like this I realize I talk too much, its weird what brings that up.
Thursday, January 31, 2013
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
Something is Definately Missing
"Nidget." We were setting up on top of the Sherriff's office, because I couldn't talk the two idiots out of defending the town of one and leaving them while appealing is not exactly my style.
"For the last time Trezlan, no you can't use magic, especially not your freaky death magic, I don't want to escape one bounty to die to another one because you can't control yourself." Yes this argument played itself out, no I'm not writing it down, it still burns me! Stupid jerks, all "we can't kill the townsman so you can use your magic and make this way easier than it turned out to be" I tell you Nidget and Andre hate my magic, right up until they need it.
"Noted and I again am doing this under protest, do you notice something missing in this town?"
"Other than people?" Nidget again stating the obvious but not the obvious I was going for.
"Rifles, we didn't bring enough rifles." Andre being the most able in combat stating the other obvious thing, but again not what I was going for.
"Right Trezlan you should have brought more than one rifle."
"I only have two hands, what would I need another rifle for? But no its not our lack of rifles." We had two, mine which was on my horse that I didn't even set up, but Hanlon had seen fit to have on there just in case, and Andre had another, because again the dude lives for combat. Nidget was stuck with his crossbow and a small pistol, the pistol was hilarious because it was meant for children to go hunting with their fathers, god I love shorties.
"Ok Trezlan what are you trying to get at, clearly I'm not going to guess it."
"Where's the bank?"
"What?" Both of them said it at once, I don't think it dawned on them yet.
"You were accused of robbing the Brownwater bank, THERE IS NO BANK!"
"Wow I didn't even think about that."
"Yeah me either."
"OF COURSE YOU GUYS DIDN'T! See now we can leave, clearly we were set up and this is not our fight, so lets just..." I started to make my way to the ladder we had climbed to get on the roof when Nidget and Andre did not move.
"No we can't leave there is a fight coming and we're going to finish it." Andre of course being someone who worships conflict would not budge, and Nidget went along with him. I could have just left I realize, but then again there were bandits coming to town and I didn't necessarily want to meet them on the road and get killed just because I'M THE ONLY SMART PERSON IN THIS GROUP OF IDIOTS!
"For the last time Trezlan, no you can't use magic, especially not your freaky death magic, I don't want to escape one bounty to die to another one because you can't control yourself." Yes this argument played itself out, no I'm not writing it down, it still burns me! Stupid jerks, all "we can't kill the townsman so you can use your magic and make this way easier than it turned out to be" I tell you Nidget and Andre hate my magic, right up until they need it.
"Noted and I again am doing this under protest, do you notice something missing in this town?"
"Other than people?" Nidget again stating the obvious but not the obvious I was going for.
"Rifles, we didn't bring enough rifles." Andre being the most able in combat stating the other obvious thing, but again not what I was going for.
"Right Trezlan you should have brought more than one rifle."
"I only have two hands, what would I need another rifle for? But no its not our lack of rifles." We had two, mine which was on my horse that I didn't even set up, but Hanlon had seen fit to have on there just in case, and Andre had another, because again the dude lives for combat. Nidget was stuck with his crossbow and a small pistol, the pistol was hilarious because it was meant for children to go hunting with their fathers, god I love shorties.
"Ok Trezlan what are you trying to get at, clearly I'm not going to guess it."
"Where's the bank?"
"What?" Both of them said it at once, I don't think it dawned on them yet.
"You were accused of robbing the Brownwater bank, THERE IS NO BANK!"
"Wow I didn't even think about that."
"Yeah me either."
"OF COURSE YOU GUYS DIDN'T! See now we can leave, clearly we were set up and this is not our fight, so lets just..." I started to make my way to the ladder we had climbed to get on the roof when Nidget and Andre did not move.
"No we can't leave there is a fight coming and we're going to finish it." Andre of course being someone who worships conflict would not budge, and Nidget went along with him. I could have just left I realize, but then again there were bandits coming to town and I didn't necessarily want to meet them on the road and get killed just because I'M THE ONLY SMART PERSON IN THIS GROUP OF IDIOTS!
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
You have Us Confused For Another Group of Rescuers
"You're here!" I tensed up grabbing for my revolver a move that both Andre and Nidget shook their heads at (see bringing me for diplomatic purposes not exactly the brightest idea!)
"Where's the sherriff?" Nidget spoke for us, a move I wasn't sold on, especially since I was the one that was supposed to be doing all the talking! I tell you its like they talked me into this specifically to not use me for the purpose they intended!
"You mean he didn't get you? Oh no they got the sherriff too!" The person who had come out to meet us had an apron on, I figured him for the bartender/cook of the area, he could have just been a guy who really liked aprons. He also seemed way way too young to run a bar, but then again I'm hundreds of years old, its hard not to judge others for being too young to do things.
"Slow down and start at the beginning." I was trying to be the voice of reason.
"The bandits! They are coming to town to get vengeance on all of us and the Sherriff said he was going to get help, but they must have gotten him too!" I looked around at his mention of all of us and saw exactly no one in town. Like I didn't even see a comical plant blowing through town to signify the town was empty, it was that empty.
"Well that settles it." I prepared to swing my horse around to get out of town but Nidget and Andre jumped off of theirs and tied the reins up.
"Yes we must help this town." That was Andre and my heart sank with him saying it.
"Yep bandits can't just be allowed to run rough shod over these people." That was Nidget and I was almost completley mystified how we went from talking him out of a bounty he didn't earn to saving idiots. It was like I missed a meeting at the suicidal club. And yet I hopped off my horse and sighed to myself, because as I've shown many times, being dumb is more my thing than I prefer to admit. Besides it meant I could burn down something entirely new in my attempt to save it and that's always good for a laugh.
"Where's the sherriff?" Nidget spoke for us, a move I wasn't sold on, especially since I was the one that was supposed to be doing all the talking! I tell you its like they talked me into this specifically to not use me for the purpose they intended!
"You mean he didn't get you? Oh no they got the sherriff too!" The person who had come out to meet us had an apron on, I figured him for the bartender/cook of the area, he could have just been a guy who really liked aprons. He also seemed way way too young to run a bar, but then again I'm hundreds of years old, its hard not to judge others for being too young to do things.
"Slow down and start at the beginning." I was trying to be the voice of reason.
"The bandits! They are coming to town to get vengeance on all of us and the Sherriff said he was going to get help, but they must have gotten him too!" I looked around at his mention of all of us and saw exactly no one in town. Like I didn't even see a comical plant blowing through town to signify the town was empty, it was that empty.
"Well that settles it." I prepared to swing my horse around to get out of town but Nidget and Andre jumped off of theirs and tied the reins up.
"Yes we must help this town." That was Andre and my heart sank with him saying it.
"Yep bandits can't just be allowed to run rough shod over these people." That was Nidget and I was almost completley mystified how we went from talking him out of a bounty he didn't earn to saving idiots. It was like I missed a meeting at the suicidal club. And yet I hopped off my horse and sighed to myself, because as I've shown many times, being dumb is more my thing than I prefer to admit. Besides it meant I could burn down something entirely new in my attempt to save it and that's always good for a laugh.
Monday, January 28, 2013
Welcome to Brownwater
"Seriously?"
"Seriously."
"Seriously." I was dumbfounded by the name, I mean we had of course passed some brown water coming in (due to livestock in the area, you figure it out, just don't think about the smell). But I would never have thought a town stupid enough to actually be named "Brownwater" I mean you might as well call it "Smellymcshittown" even that would be better. The town was surrounded on two sides by the same river (it forked about a mile out of town, the town I'm sure had originally been built in the middle of the two rivers for protection/trade). Bridges were the only way over the water as it was too deep in both places to just simple ford it (I suppose you could swim it, but it appeared a bit too fast for that kind of thing to be a good idea).
The town itself despite being on a river seemed kind of empty. The kind of small livestock run town that supplies a bigger berg downstream (and it did Brownwater was north of the town of Driloog a much weirder but better sounding town with a larger population and more modernization). It had one bar, one general store, some houses of people who lived near those establishments. Two simple docks to help move supplies from one side to the other (because the bridges weren't draw bridge style by intention I'm sure so that people had to move through the town). There also was a sherrif's office with what I assumed was a simple jail. Shockingly we didn't see any one moving about town, not even a rancher or onlooker surprised to see three men riding in (well two men and a shorty, IN YOUR FACE NIDGET!) We made our way to the sherriffs office and found that completely empty too.
"Let me get this straight, we rode to this town to get you off a bounty for something you might or might not have done, and when we get here there is exactly no one in this damn town, including a sherriff."
"Seems that way."
"I hate you so much Nidget."
"Seriously."
"Seriously." I was dumbfounded by the name, I mean we had of course passed some brown water coming in (due to livestock in the area, you figure it out, just don't think about the smell). But I would never have thought a town stupid enough to actually be named "Brownwater" I mean you might as well call it "Smellymcshittown" even that would be better. The town was surrounded on two sides by the same river (it forked about a mile out of town, the town I'm sure had originally been built in the middle of the two rivers for protection/trade). Bridges were the only way over the water as it was too deep in both places to just simple ford it (I suppose you could swim it, but it appeared a bit too fast for that kind of thing to be a good idea).
The town itself despite being on a river seemed kind of empty. The kind of small livestock run town that supplies a bigger berg downstream (and it did Brownwater was north of the town of Driloog a much weirder but better sounding town with a larger population and more modernization). It had one bar, one general store, some houses of people who lived near those establishments. Two simple docks to help move supplies from one side to the other (because the bridges weren't draw bridge style by intention I'm sure so that people had to move through the town). There also was a sherrif's office with what I assumed was a simple jail. Shockingly we didn't see any one moving about town, not even a rancher or onlooker surprised to see three men riding in (well two men and a shorty, IN YOUR FACE NIDGET!) We made our way to the sherriffs office and found that completely empty too.
"Let me get this straight, we rode to this town to get you off a bounty for something you might or might not have done, and when we get here there is exactly no one in this damn town, including a sherriff."
"Seems that way."
"I hate you so much Nidget."
Friday, January 25, 2013
Nidget Criminal Mastermind
"What exactly did you do anyway?" We were out of town past a lot of the regular trade routes and thus not near anyone who might hear the conversation I wanted to have with Nidget.
"You know oddly enough I don't exactly remember ever going to this town."
"Yes Mr. Pavarossi is correct, I don't recall us ever visting it either." Andre had to confirm Nidget because I'm sure he expected a cutting comment from me regarding Nidgets ability to remember things. He was correct.
"So if you've never been there how do you know thats who wants you?"
"Its on the flyer." Andre handed me the flyer and I could see it said "Wanted Dead Or Alive" and Listed Nidget as a criminal mastermind who robbed a bank. I have to admit it was pretty funny I even laughed.
"Criminal Mastermind? You?"
"Look that part is pretty true." I saw Andre shake his head out of corner of my eye and I shared the sentiment.
"So you don't remember robbing this bank? Have you robbed that many banks?"
"Do you remember everyone you've killed Trezlan I've robbed a lot of banks." I saw again out of the corner of my eye Andre shaking his head (in case you were wondering we were riding with me in the middle Nidget on my right and Andre on my left).
"This is totally a trap."
"Nah, this is just a case of mistaken identity, I'm sure I'll show up they'll realize it wasn't me and then I'll be free to go."
"Right and me and Andre are there."
"To make sure the free to go part happens Mr. Lorentino."
"Right." And on we road to the town of Brownwater, no I'm not making that up, and yes it was appropriate. Tomorrow the excitement continues!
"You know oddly enough I don't exactly remember ever going to this town."
"Yes Mr. Pavarossi is correct, I don't recall us ever visting it either." Andre had to confirm Nidget because I'm sure he expected a cutting comment from me regarding Nidgets ability to remember things. He was correct.
"So if you've never been there how do you know thats who wants you?"
"Its on the flyer." Andre handed me the flyer and I could see it said "Wanted Dead Or Alive" and Listed Nidget as a criminal mastermind who robbed a bank. I have to admit it was pretty funny I even laughed.
"Criminal Mastermind? You?"
"Look that part is pretty true." I saw Andre shake his head out of corner of my eye and I shared the sentiment.
"So you don't remember robbing this bank? Have you robbed that many banks?"
"Do you remember everyone you've killed Trezlan I've robbed a lot of banks." I saw again out of the corner of my eye Andre shaking his head (in case you were wondering we were riding with me in the middle Nidget on my right and Andre on my left).
"This is totally a trap."
"Nah, this is just a case of mistaken identity, I'm sure I'll show up they'll realize it wasn't me and then I'll be free to go."
"Right and me and Andre are there."
"To make sure the free to go part happens Mr. Lorentino."
"Right." And on we road to the town of Brownwater, no I'm not making that up, and yes it was appropriate. Tomorrow the excitement continues!
Thursday, January 24, 2013
You've Confused Me For Someone Who Cares
"No."
"Come on you're already packed!" I tell you most of my conversations with Nidget start with no and work down from there. Like I know I'll end up helping him because I'm an idiot at heart, but I have to make him work for it.
"Nidget you have Andre you two are set, I'll watch the store it'll be like what I just did to you but in reverse." My logic as always was amazing.
"We need your Mr. Lorentino because this is more your territory than Nidget's or mine." Andre always the peacemaker, for a person who worshipped conflict he certainly always seemed to want to avoid it.
"You think appealing to my ego will work? Ok you're right now you've got me curious." I'm anything if not really easy to appeal to.
"I just need you to help me clear this bounty and then I'll be ok, I mean bounty hunters are bad, but if the Guard catches word I don't want Captain Therod executing me or anything." She could, she had the authority she kept holding it over my head repeatedly.
"Ok so when does the train leave?"
"Yeah there isn't one we'll have to get there on horseback." I hated this already and I had just started.
"So its close by then?"
"Not really."
"Nidget you are making me hate this more and more."
"Come on Trezlan you'll get to show your powers of wit over a dimwitted local official! Think of the possibilities."
"I am, and they all end in me disliking you a lot more than I aleady do." And yet I went along with it, because again I'm an idiot. At least I had Andre there, so it wasn't all on me this time, I mean in a way Nidget helps, but his helping is a lot like breasts on a man, confusing but ultimately useless.
"Come on you're already packed!" I tell you most of my conversations with Nidget start with no and work down from there. Like I know I'll end up helping him because I'm an idiot at heart, but I have to make him work for it.
"Nidget you have Andre you two are set, I'll watch the store it'll be like what I just did to you but in reverse." My logic as always was amazing.
"We need your Mr. Lorentino because this is more your territory than Nidget's or mine." Andre always the peacemaker, for a person who worshipped conflict he certainly always seemed to want to avoid it.
"You think appealing to my ego will work? Ok you're right now you've got me curious." I'm anything if not really easy to appeal to.
"I just need you to help me clear this bounty and then I'll be ok, I mean bounty hunters are bad, but if the Guard catches word I don't want Captain Therod executing me or anything." She could, she had the authority she kept holding it over my head repeatedly.
"Ok so when does the train leave?"
"Yeah there isn't one we'll have to get there on horseback." I hated this already and I had just started.
"So its close by then?"
"Not really."
"Nidget you are making me hate this more and more."
"Come on Trezlan you'll get to show your powers of wit over a dimwitted local official! Think of the possibilities."
"I am, and they all end in me disliking you a lot more than I aleady do." And yet I went along with it, because again I'm an idiot. At least I had Andre there, so it wasn't all on me this time, I mean in a way Nidget helps, but his helping is a lot like breasts on a man, confusing but ultimately useless.
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
Just In Time, If by In Time You mean Late
As someone who finds himself frequently in the middle of mass destruction I've learned to take it all in stride. You know really take the time to smell the ruin around you enjoying each destroyed landscape. Some people appreciate fine art, I've become a destruction appreciator (its a term I just invented deal with it). I also know that despite things being on fire and corpses all around there is always something to salvage and this place was no different (especially the cash boxes for paying the workers). So it was in the midst of this that I heard a large amount of hooves and readied my pistols (I had retreived the hanlon ones I had arrived with, though I kept an extra gun belt slung over my shoulder just in case reinforcements arrived). To my pleasant surprise it was Hanlon and a large group of men, and not a bunch of former Red Handers that showed up.
"Well I see this worked out as I had expected." Hanlon had a riderless horse riding beside him, I could tell from the saddle bags it was probably meant for me.
"You expected me to blow up the ship and kill the rest of the people setting the town on fire in the process?"
"Actually yes." Hanlon made an effort to smile, it wasn't a good one but there it was.
"I'll just ignore the fact you have a small army here and therefore could have probably accomplished what I did with less effort." It was for the best to not get angry at my psuedo benefactor, because it was a waste of time for the most part.
"Oh these people? They aren't soldiers their salvagers, I plan on getting all I can out of the ship."
"The grotto is crumbling and I don't think there is much left."
"My men will find a way believe me." He pointed in the direction of the smoking crater and the majority of his men dismounted and made their way toward it. I do have to say something looked off about them, and not in the they just go headfirst into a smoking cave way. I tell you I've never met someone who works for Hanlon that doesn't seem more off than anything else.
"So we're done here?"
"Well you're done here I have some work to do. I don't have to mention not to tell anyone right?"
"Of course of course, times have changed, the Guard frown on mass murder I'm told."
"Well Mass murder they didn't committ yes they frown on it a little, the horse has your payment and train ticket, pleasure doing business with you Trezlan."
"Same to you Hanlon." It was not a pleasure never was, but you know there are always lies you tell others to make sure they don't pick up on that. Not that I think I can lie to Hanlon, he's not human, but still people like to keep our illusions especially me. I had an uneventful ride back to the train station and from there back home. Unfortunately when I got there Nidget had a damn problem that needed resolved right away, because I CAN'T HAVE ONE DAY ONE STUPID DAMN DAY! CURSE YOU MIDGET!!!!
"Well I see this worked out as I had expected." Hanlon had a riderless horse riding beside him, I could tell from the saddle bags it was probably meant for me.
"You expected me to blow up the ship and kill the rest of the people setting the town on fire in the process?"
"Actually yes." Hanlon made an effort to smile, it wasn't a good one but there it was.
"I'll just ignore the fact you have a small army here and therefore could have probably accomplished what I did with less effort." It was for the best to not get angry at my psuedo benefactor, because it was a waste of time for the most part.
"Oh these people? They aren't soldiers their salvagers, I plan on getting all I can out of the ship."
"The grotto is crumbling and I don't think there is much left."
"My men will find a way believe me." He pointed in the direction of the smoking crater and the majority of his men dismounted and made their way toward it. I do have to say something looked off about them, and not in the they just go headfirst into a smoking cave way. I tell you I've never met someone who works for Hanlon that doesn't seem more off than anything else.
"So we're done here?"
"Well you're done here I have some work to do. I don't have to mention not to tell anyone right?"
"Of course of course, times have changed, the Guard frown on mass murder I'm told."
"Well Mass murder they didn't committ yes they frown on it a little, the horse has your payment and train ticket, pleasure doing business with you Trezlan."
"Same to you Hanlon." It was not a pleasure never was, but you know there are always lies you tell others to make sure they don't pick up on that. Not that I think I can lie to Hanlon, he's not human, but still people like to keep our illusions especially me. I had an uneventful ride back to the train station and from there back home. Unfortunately when I got there Nidget had a damn problem that needed resolved right away, because I CAN'T HAVE ONE DAY ONE STUPID DAMN DAY! CURSE YOU MIDGET!!!!
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
If Only You had Two More Bullets
You know in the heat of battle you don't notice a lot of things. Like one time I completely missed I was on fire (yeah that was hilarious until the smell of my flesh caught my attention), I even missed once that Nidget had gotten shot in a particularly hectic gunfight (though that was probably more not caring about Nidget more than anything). So it should have come as no surprise that I completely missed that Dawbry didn't get shot to death or burned alive or something in my initial salvo.
I was quickly reminded of this fact after he bullwhipped me to the ground (who knew he had a bullwhip? I just saw that dumb knife and his missing eye, apparently I completely miss details that later become problematic, nope not going to fix that at all). The Red Hander had a sneer on his face as he ordered Dawbry to dispose of me. In that case it meant fill me full of bullets (how impolite!) I felt the impact of all six shots, they ripped through my insides like little tiny spears of pain. I was thankful at least he didn't put a bullet through my head, though I think that was more he wasn't that good a shot and hits to center mass are a lot easier.
So there I was blood leaking out the judge and his lackey looking on happy as two jerks can be. I thought for a moment this would be the end of me as both men were too far to be touched by necromancy and on top of that my magical ability was rather drained as it was. It seemed perfect. I tried to do too much on too little and wound up dead, but than that moron Dawbry had to walk up to me while reloading and I chuckled a little bit.
"What's so funny?" I grabbed his leg and his revolver hit the ground partially reloaded the surge of power flexed through me like a hot current and I welcomed it (you know because it fixed my holy organs). It hurt but not as much as Dawbry was getting hurt.
"Oh I was just thinking if you only had a couple more bullets this wouldn't have happened." His husk hit the ground and the Red Hander looked on in horror, I snatched the half loaded revolver and put a bullet through him and then burned him alive (because when you've got both why choose?)
Standing up I surveyed the destruction. My fire wave had apparently got wind and went on to burn down the town, the people who hadn't been gunned down by the Red Hand and Dawbry probably died in the grotto from the exploding ship. And everyone else I personally killed, all in all it was a total victory. I did have a bad habit of wiping out entire towns though, I think maybe I'll call it a the Lorentino Effect. If your town got wiped off the map by one guy, you just got hit by the Lorentino Effect. Now to find a good enough bard to spread that particular nugget throughout the land!
I was quickly reminded of this fact after he bullwhipped me to the ground (who knew he had a bullwhip? I just saw that dumb knife and his missing eye, apparently I completely miss details that later become problematic, nope not going to fix that at all). The Red Hander had a sneer on his face as he ordered Dawbry to dispose of me. In that case it meant fill me full of bullets (how impolite!) I felt the impact of all six shots, they ripped through my insides like little tiny spears of pain. I was thankful at least he didn't put a bullet through my head, though I think that was more he wasn't that good a shot and hits to center mass are a lot easier.
So there I was blood leaking out the judge and his lackey looking on happy as two jerks can be. I thought for a moment this would be the end of me as both men were too far to be touched by necromancy and on top of that my magical ability was rather drained as it was. It seemed perfect. I tried to do too much on too little and wound up dead, but than that moron Dawbry had to walk up to me while reloading and I chuckled a little bit.
"What's so funny?" I grabbed his leg and his revolver hit the ground partially reloaded the surge of power flexed through me like a hot current and I welcomed it (you know because it fixed my holy organs). It hurt but not as much as Dawbry was getting hurt.
"Oh I was just thinking if you only had a couple more bullets this wouldn't have happened." His husk hit the ground and the Red Hander looked on in horror, I snatched the half loaded revolver and put a bullet through him and then burned him alive (because when you've got both why choose?)
Standing up I surveyed the destruction. My fire wave had apparently got wind and went on to burn down the town, the people who hadn't been gunned down by the Red Hand and Dawbry probably died in the grotto from the exploding ship. And everyone else I personally killed, all in all it was a total victory. I did have a bad habit of wiping out entire towns though, I think maybe I'll call it a the Lorentino Effect. If your town got wiped off the map by one guy, you just got hit by the Lorentino Effect. Now to find a good enough bard to spread that particular nugget throughout the land!
Monday, January 21, 2013
Burn Down At the Old Cavern
When you suddenly exist a cavern belching smoke to be greeted by a group of men with rifles who gun down everyone who isn't you, the best option of course is to hit the dirt. Not to pretend to be dead (though honestly I totally should have, curse you insticts on standing up), but to gain the cover of the suddenly dead and their weaponry (if they had any). So yeah I ducked down and made a sort of human fort out of the corpses in front of me arming myself with the couple of crap pistols they were carrying (look if it isn't Hanlon its a garbage pistol, I'm not just a dealer I'm a client!).
The bullets collided with my body fort almost as soon as I had ducked into it, unfortunatley the bodies didn't seem to absorb bullets well at all (almost like they are bodies and not like an actual building material), but the people shooting seemed to be pretty awful shots anyway, so if they hit me it would almost have been an accident. Armed and fed up with the situation I stood and did my best to go out like I always never wanted to. I'm forever thankful my magical ability outside of necromancy is fire (and not just because it blows up boats though that helps), because fire is destructive and it obscures things. As I stood up I brought a wall of flame up (hard not impossible, incredibly taxing though, I never really go into how much magical things drain from me, but stunts like this pull at my inner reserves and risk corruption like few other), it worked in two ways, one it burned a bunch of them (because its FIRE do I have to explain everything?) and caused others to run away, who I promptly shot. Don't get me wrong I'm not a bad shot, and a group of men clustered together is a good target to hit, but I'd much rather have a group of men running and shoot them in the back, then a bunch of dudes shooting back. When it was all said and done it was just me and the Red Hand dick standing there, he had no pistol, but clearly he still had magic where as I had almost flipped my tank to empty (necromancy of course always on the table to replenish reserves, if I could get close enough).
"You're Empty." He was right I'd fired the guns blank and as I said not a lot magic power left.
"You want to bet your life on that?" Of course he would I was planning on killing him with whatever I had left, he would be foolish to not bet his life on it. So what happened? Well you'll have to wait, oh to resolve the last entry I got the thing off my foot, now the problem is of course my foot is pretty much broken in ways that make traveling hard and I'm a long way from not walking anywhere. So again when I win I LOSE!
The bullets collided with my body fort almost as soon as I had ducked into it, unfortunatley the bodies didn't seem to absorb bullets well at all (almost like they are bodies and not like an actual building material), but the people shooting seemed to be pretty awful shots anyway, so if they hit me it would almost have been an accident. Armed and fed up with the situation I stood and did my best to go out like I always never wanted to. I'm forever thankful my magical ability outside of necromancy is fire (and not just because it blows up boats though that helps), because fire is destructive and it obscures things. As I stood up I brought a wall of flame up (hard not impossible, incredibly taxing though, I never really go into how much magical things drain from me, but stunts like this pull at my inner reserves and risk corruption like few other), it worked in two ways, one it burned a bunch of them (because its FIRE do I have to explain everything?) and caused others to run away, who I promptly shot. Don't get me wrong I'm not a bad shot, and a group of men clustered together is a good target to hit, but I'd much rather have a group of men running and shoot them in the back, then a bunch of dudes shooting back. When it was all said and done it was just me and the Red Hand dick standing there, he had no pistol, but clearly he still had magic where as I had almost flipped my tank to empty (necromancy of course always on the table to replenish reserves, if I could get close enough).
"You're Empty." He was right I'd fired the guns blank and as I said not a lot magic power left.
"You want to bet your life on that?" Of course he would I was planning on killing him with whatever I had left, he would be foolish to not bet his life on it. So what happened? Well you'll have to wait, oh to resolve the last entry I got the thing off my foot, now the problem is of course my foot is pretty much broken in ways that make traveling hard and I'm a long way from not walking anywhere. So again when I win I LOSE!
Friday, January 18, 2013
The Illusion of Illusion
I was free from my chair (no need to remain tied down once I blew up the ship, also you know not wanting to die from smoke inhilation), I was also no longer white. Apparently whatever illusion that Hanlon had granted me did not survive my true magical ability, well either that or all the smoke wiped it out. Either way it was even more of a reason to get out of town before someone clued in that I was not the person they thought I was (though to be honest they didn't know who I was so its easy to not be who they didn't know I was.. you know what nevermind nevermind).
I was aided in my escape by everyone fleeing. An exploding ship and crumbling grotto tend to get people moving. I managed to go with the flow and emerged from the smoking crater of the grotto with a group of people, only to have bullets cut those people down immediately. I was left standing amongst a large group of dead facing down a bunch of armed townsfolk rifles trained on me. The Red Hand leader and Dawbry decidedly unhappy to see me looked on with anger.
"Lorentino!" Was the cry and into darkness we fell, literally and figuratively. But that will have to wait till tomorrow, I dropped something large on my foot and I'm still trying to dislodge it, that I took time to write this journal while in this amount of pain shows how stupidly dedicated I am to writing this. Well that and ITS NOT LIKE I CAN DO ANYTHING ELSE!
I was aided in my escape by everyone fleeing. An exploding ship and crumbling grotto tend to get people moving. I managed to go with the flow and emerged from the smoking crater of the grotto with a group of people, only to have bullets cut those people down immediately. I was left standing amongst a large group of dead facing down a bunch of armed townsfolk rifles trained on me. The Red Hand leader and Dawbry decidedly unhappy to see me looked on with anger.
"Lorentino!" Was the cry and into darkness we fell, literally and figuratively. But that will have to wait till tomorrow, I dropped something large on my foot and I'm still trying to dislodge it, that I took time to write this journal while in this amount of pain shows how stupidly dedicated I am to writing this. Well that and ITS NOT LIKE I CAN DO ANYTHING ELSE!
Thursday, January 17, 2013
Ready Aim Fire, But Not In the Way Intended
"READY!" I was still in my chair facing the barrel of a large weapon. I had found the ship, well "found" as in brought to it. Apparently they were having discussions earlier on the ship about test firing their weapons on people/armor plating, they didn't want to kill one of their workers so since I'd showed up I became the perfect test subject. I was seated in front of the armor plate, the large barrel of the gun still on the ship but it seemed impossibly close. I'd recommended us leaving the cave at the very least because of smoke inhilation I was ignored.
"AIM!" This one seemed a little silly, yeah it was a large gun and not exactly close, but I was a seated target, if they couldn't hit me from the distance they were shooting, well they weren't exactly going to win any wars. Not that they were going to win a war with one ship even if it did look all imposing half constructed a combination of wood and metal (which seemed like a bad idea, should have gone with all metal, but I guess limited resources blah blah blah). The workers had all stopped to stare at me, I guess the chance to see someone get splattered by a very large gun fired from a ship is always a treat.
"FIRE!" Now here is where the illusion of being helpess came to an end. I'm willing to take a beating to sell a role, I'm willing to take having to urinate in a room without windows to sell that I'm helpless. I'm not willing to be exploded! Also they had inadvertently provided me the one thing I needed. How do you explode a ship without being on the ship to explode it? Well show someone who can conjure fire the barrel of your very large gun up close enough for them to see you loading your explosive projectile in it of course (or well I knew where to send my fire to hit that projectile). So at the moment of their weapons test, instead of the fire they expected they got my instead.
A huge gout of flame went down the barrel, hit the ordinance they prepared to launch at me and exploded it. The backdraft from that explosion apparently hit other ordinance on board the ship and exploded that, which caused an even bigger explosion, which ripped the ship in half. Ordinarily this would be a bad thing for me since I'd just shown I was pulling their leg about not being well ordinary and would get shot to little bitty bits, but since they had not listened to my advice about taking this shooting outside the explosion of the ship in the cave/grotto they had going on caused the whole thing to be covered in smoke.
So I was partially obscured from all the people who moments before wanted to murder me, which was a good thing. I was also stuck in a now crumbling cave (explosions of that magnitude tend to destabilize cave systems), and the smoke which was obscuring things, was also making it harder to breathe and see the way out. So it was a win/win/lose type situation, or a "Full Lorentino" as I like to call it.
"AIM!" This one seemed a little silly, yeah it was a large gun and not exactly close, but I was a seated target, if they couldn't hit me from the distance they were shooting, well they weren't exactly going to win any wars. Not that they were going to win a war with one ship even if it did look all imposing half constructed a combination of wood and metal (which seemed like a bad idea, should have gone with all metal, but I guess limited resources blah blah blah). The workers had all stopped to stare at me, I guess the chance to see someone get splattered by a very large gun fired from a ship is always a treat.
"FIRE!" Now here is where the illusion of being helpess came to an end. I'm willing to take a beating to sell a role, I'm willing to take having to urinate in a room without windows to sell that I'm helpless. I'm not willing to be exploded! Also they had inadvertently provided me the one thing I needed. How do you explode a ship without being on the ship to explode it? Well show someone who can conjure fire the barrel of your very large gun up close enough for them to see you loading your explosive projectile in it of course (or well I knew where to send my fire to hit that projectile). So at the moment of their weapons test, instead of the fire they expected they got my instead.
A huge gout of flame went down the barrel, hit the ordinance they prepared to launch at me and exploded it. The backdraft from that explosion apparently hit other ordinance on board the ship and exploded that, which caused an even bigger explosion, which ripped the ship in half. Ordinarily this would be a bad thing for me since I'd just shown I was pulling their leg about not being well ordinary and would get shot to little bitty bits, but since they had not listened to my advice about taking this shooting outside the explosion of the ship in the cave/grotto they had going on caused the whole thing to be covered in smoke.
So I was partially obscured from all the people who moments before wanted to murder me, which was a good thing. I was also stuck in a now crumbling cave (explosions of that magnitude tend to destabilize cave systems), and the smoke which was obscuring things, was also making it harder to breathe and see the way out. So it was a win/win/lose type situation, or a "Full Lorentino" as I like to call it.
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
Management Issues
"So you're the unknown person causing me so much trouble." Typical Red Hand leadership robe, shaved head, pale skin, his teeth looked like they were fangy, really beautiful brown eyes, almost in contrast.
"Thank gods you're here, this is the worst job interview I ever had!" Still tied to the chair obviously (though solution was just a bit of fire magic away), a puddle of urine had formed near where I'd been peeing, I could see the disgust on the Red Hand person's face upon entering.
"I was told you're a bit of a smart ass, but in this case you're being a dumb one."
"Look I'm tied to a chair and I've been beaten, I don't exactly know what telling you who I am would get me." He seemed to ponder this thought, I noticed there was no one else in the room, I had a thought of just killing him and killing my way out, but I wasn't entirely sold on this warship for warship sake and so curioisty as it always did got the better of me.
"I'm guessing you're a Hanlon spy, he was a little too interested when we didn't go with his offer for supplying weaponry and you were found with some of his pistols, though you have the stink of magic on you."
"I did urinate several times."
"Noted." He said with disgust flaring his nostrils.
"If you guys just let me go I promise I won't tell anyone you have a poorly constructed cave." We were at the negotiation part of my lying phase, the part where I blatantly ask to be let go and they deny me the request and try and kill me.
"No, no actually you can solve two issues at once, thank you Mr. Mystery man you'll do just nicely." He left, but a few moments later a couple men grabbed my chair and took me with them, I was going on a trip! It was a short trip, but at least the room didn't smell like my own urine. PROGRESS!
"Thank gods you're here, this is the worst job interview I ever had!" Still tied to the chair obviously (though solution was just a bit of fire magic away), a puddle of urine had formed near where I'd been peeing, I could see the disgust on the Red Hand person's face upon entering.
"I was told you're a bit of a smart ass, but in this case you're being a dumb one."
"Look I'm tied to a chair and I've been beaten, I don't exactly know what telling you who I am would get me." He seemed to ponder this thought, I noticed there was no one else in the room, I had a thought of just killing him and killing my way out, but I wasn't entirely sold on this warship for warship sake and so curioisty as it always did got the better of me.
"I'm guessing you're a Hanlon spy, he was a little too interested when we didn't go with his offer for supplying weaponry and you were found with some of his pistols, though you have the stink of magic on you."
"I did urinate several times."
"Noted." He said with disgust flaring his nostrils.
"If you guys just let me go I promise I won't tell anyone you have a poorly constructed cave." We were at the negotiation part of my lying phase, the part where I blatantly ask to be let go and they deny me the request and try and kill me.
"No, no actually you can solve two issues at once, thank you Mr. Mystery man you'll do just nicely." He left, but a few moments later a couple men grabbed my chair and took me with them, I was going on a trip! It was a short trip, but at least the room didn't smell like my own urine. PROGRESS!
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
Who Are Any Of Us?
He had a large knife and a leather jacket which made him stand out from the clones standing behind him. The eyes were the scariest part, if they are a window to the soul as I've heard before (which is patently ridiculous, your soul is all over your body, there is no window into it!), his showed he had a twisted broken soul, he was missing his left one and his right looked to up the evil in exchange (where the left one should be an empty socket was, gross to the say the least, could have at least worn an eye patch). He didn't talk at first, just decided to twirl the knife, the implication was not lost on me.
"Who are you?" It was a reassuring question, because it mean that Hanlon's freaky magic illusion worked even on what was most likely a magic user (they are former Red Hand, not a lot of none magic users in the managemt group).
"Who are you?" I repeated the question back to him, it was about all I could come up with in response. Despite having time on my hands I hadn't come up with a great idea on what to answer.
"Dawbry."
"Dawbry?"
"Its what I said, now who are you?" Dawbry's knife swinging stopped, now he was just knife threatening.
"A man seeking the bathroom." Again I had all this time, alas.
"So you were so devoted to finding the bathroom you shot a guard in the face twice, swapped his clothes for yours and attempted to pretend to be him?"
"You have to admit it sounds crazy enough to work." I want to say he smiled, but the one eyed look showed no mirth in his grin.
"I see tuning you up didn't seem to clue you in that we aren't messing around, we found you with a couple Hanlon pistols, am I to assume thats who you work for?"
"I don't work for anyone I'm just a poor down on his luck guy looking for a job."
"So that's a no, I don't know who you are, but you'll want to talk before management gets here, once they do I can't gaurentee you they won't turn you inside out." So Dawbry was not management, that was at least something.
"I'll wait for management, I'm sure they give better interviews." He smirked again, and left me, no beat up session followed. I did end up having to go to the bathroom, but I discovered you can actually manage through effort to pee while tied to a chair without getting any on you. I'd tell you how, but it involves graphs and dark magic.
"Who are you?" It was a reassuring question, because it mean that Hanlon's freaky magic illusion worked even on what was most likely a magic user (they are former Red Hand, not a lot of none magic users in the managemt group).
"Who are you?" I repeated the question back to him, it was about all I could come up with in response. Despite having time on my hands I hadn't come up with a great idea on what to answer.
"Dawbry."
"Dawbry?"
"Its what I said, now who are you?" Dawbry's knife swinging stopped, now he was just knife threatening.
"A man seeking the bathroom." Again I had all this time, alas.
"So you were so devoted to finding the bathroom you shot a guard in the face twice, swapped his clothes for yours and attempted to pretend to be him?"
"You have to admit it sounds crazy enough to work." I want to say he smiled, but the one eyed look showed no mirth in his grin.
"I see tuning you up didn't seem to clue you in that we aren't messing around, we found you with a couple Hanlon pistols, am I to assume thats who you work for?"
"I don't work for anyone I'm just a poor down on his luck guy looking for a job."
"So that's a no, I don't know who you are, but you'll want to talk before management gets here, once they do I can't gaurentee you they won't turn you inside out." So Dawbry was not management, that was at least something.
"I'll wait for management, I'm sure they give better interviews." He smirked again, and left me, no beat up session followed. I did end up having to go to the bathroom, but I discovered you can actually manage through effort to pee while tied to a chair without getting any on you. I'd tell you how, but it involves graphs and dark magic.
Monday, January 14, 2013
Tied Up But Not Out
I got tied to a chair. I admit it wasn't the most impossible situation to get out of (hello fire magic!), but it was effective for the beating I was given while tied to the chair (no questions just a beating, I think that was my punishment for shooting someone, let this be a lesson kids, shoot a guy in the face twice, get tied to a chair and beaten). I was a bit sad because my white shirt had a bit more red on it than I would have prefered (especially since the red was my own).
The man assigned to the beating was that thick beardless type that seemed to be taking out his anger on a wasted life on anyone who comes along. He actually hit me so hard he hurt his own hand (I took some pleasure in that). I hate beatings without questions though, it leaves you all the displeasure of getting a beating, but none of the satisfaction of telling someone to go piss up a rope (my favorite part of a beating, yes its sick I have one). Especially since I could free myself at any time, I needed the fake interrogation so I could at least get a sense of what my captors knew about me.
But no! Of course I had to be tied to a chair and beaten! After that I was left in the room I had been dragged to and since I hadn't slept in a while decided to catch a power nap (that I can sleep after having been tied to a chair and beaten up says so much about me as a person, wait am I really a person anymore? I'll have to think about that honestly). When I woke up I finally got my interrogation! I tell you when they are late it just messed up my whole day! Just like this entry!
The man assigned to the beating was that thick beardless type that seemed to be taking out his anger on a wasted life on anyone who comes along. He actually hit me so hard he hurt his own hand (I took some pleasure in that). I hate beatings without questions though, it leaves you all the displeasure of getting a beating, but none of the satisfaction of telling someone to go piss up a rope (my favorite part of a beating, yes its sick I have one). Especially since I could free myself at any time, I needed the fake interrogation so I could at least get a sense of what my captors knew about me.
But no! Of course I had to be tied to a chair and beaten! After that I was left in the room I had been dragged to and since I hadn't slept in a while decided to catch a power nap (that I can sleep after having been tied to a chair and beaten up says so much about me as a person, wait am I really a person anymore? I'll have to think about that honestly). When I woke up I finally got my interrogation! I tell you when they are late it just messed up my whole day! Just like this entry!
Friday, January 11, 2013
I'm the New Guy Who Shot The Old Guy
"What happened here?" I have to say I'm very proud of myself I was able to undress and redress the dead guard in under a couple minutes. Its weird to be proud of your ability to do that to a corpse, but hey I take what I can get.
"This guy claimed to be a cave inspector so I shot him in the face." I'll admit I should have probably come up with a more I dunno interesting narrative? Instead I just reversed what had happened, look I was still proud about the corpse dressing thing. There were four new people who had been alerted by the gunshot, again all wearing the same thing (the same thing I was now wearing), the guy who was talking seemed to have a red sash around his pants, which denoted leadership? It might have also denoted he liked flare.
"Who are you?"
"The night watchman who do you think I am?" Again maybe just maybe I should have possibly thought of a better lie to lead this with, but I'm not some kind of lie expert (more like a lie savant) and there might not actually have been a good lie here to tell.
"The person who shot the real watchman and switched clothes with him." They all had their pistols out and I admitted I was kind of boned. I put my hands up and they lead me away. I tell you I'm starting to doubt my ability to actually make a good plan as of late!
"This guy claimed to be a cave inspector so I shot him in the face." I'll admit I should have probably come up with a more I dunno interesting narrative? Instead I just reversed what had happened, look I was still proud about the corpse dressing thing. There were four new people who had been alerted by the gunshot, again all wearing the same thing (the same thing I was now wearing), the guy who was talking seemed to have a red sash around his pants, which denoted leadership? It might have also denoted he liked flare.
"Who are you?"
"The night watchman who do you think I am?" Again maybe just maybe I should have possibly thought of a better lie to lead this with, but I'm not some kind of lie expert (more like a lie savant) and there might not actually have been a good lie here to tell.
"The person who shot the real watchman and switched clothes with him." They all had their pistols out and I admitted I was kind of boned. I put my hands up and they lead me away. I tell you I'm starting to doubt my ability to actually make a good plan as of late!
Thursday, January 10, 2013
Cave Inspector
When sneaking into places you aren't supposed to be its important to have a good story ready upon your discovery. Because you are going to get discovered its a given, no one can remain hidden forever (well if there are people like that I've never found them!) So I made sure when I was creeping along a cavern which looked to have been more strip mined than carved to allow easy travel, that I had my story ready for the inevitable discovery.
"Hey you!" I turned, it was a solitary man with a lantern swinging in the darkness, I'd been using my eyes to see and had done decently with the over head lighthing, but I guess for watchmen they need something more than that. I stood up appraised the man who was dressed much like everyone else save the fact he had two pistols sticking out of his waistband clearly not the safest form of firearm carrying.
"Cave inspector." I admit this was probably not my smartest cover story. I could have I dunno said I was a new worker, or delivering a shipment, or looking for a bathroom, but no cave inspector was my play and thats how I went.
"A what?" He seemed utterly confused about caves and inspecting, and I could see why, it was a job I'd just made up.
"Cave inspector, you can't go around just making caves anywhere my good man!" When telling a lie go all in, I mean you are already lying, might as well put on a full bullshit show. He looked even more confused than when I had started talking.
"Who sent you?"
"The Guard of course." At that he tensed up, but I couldn't exactly say I was a government agent not sent by the government.
"I don't recall any official group coming through as of late." I could see his hand going for one of his pistols and so I knew I had to think fast.
"Well of course not, it wouldn't be much of an inspection if I announced my presence thus letting you guys have time to cover up the things I would be inspecting, if you'd just let me get my badge out I'd show you." I went to go into my jacket, I didn't actually have a badge (again it was a made up job I myself had made up minutes before), he seemed a bit more relaxed, right up until the bullet caught him underneath the nose and blew out the back of his head like a party favor. Look folks if someone says they are going for their badge just shoot them, because thats what they are really going for, their own gun. I turned the body over and and put another bullet through the back of his skulls which exited out his face removing much of what he looked like, then began the process of stripping him naked.
Look this isn't some kind of new weird fetish for me I had a plan, a better plan than cave inspector! You'll just have to trust me. Well until tomorrows entry.
"Hey you!" I turned, it was a solitary man with a lantern swinging in the darkness, I'd been using my eyes to see and had done decently with the over head lighthing, but I guess for watchmen they need something more than that. I stood up appraised the man who was dressed much like everyone else save the fact he had two pistols sticking out of his waistband clearly not the safest form of firearm carrying.
"Cave inspector." I admit this was probably not my smartest cover story. I could have I dunno said I was a new worker, or delivering a shipment, or looking for a bathroom, but no cave inspector was my play and thats how I went.
"A what?" He seemed utterly confused about caves and inspecting, and I could see why, it was a job I'd just made up.
"Cave inspector, you can't go around just making caves anywhere my good man!" When telling a lie go all in, I mean you are already lying, might as well put on a full bullshit show. He looked even more confused than when I had started talking.
"Who sent you?"
"The Guard of course." At that he tensed up, but I couldn't exactly say I was a government agent not sent by the government.
"I don't recall any official group coming through as of late." I could see his hand going for one of his pistols and so I knew I had to think fast.
"Well of course not, it wouldn't be much of an inspection if I announced my presence thus letting you guys have time to cover up the things I would be inspecting, if you'd just let me get my badge out I'd show you." I went to go into my jacket, I didn't actually have a badge (again it was a made up job I myself had made up minutes before), he seemed a bit more relaxed, right up until the bullet caught him underneath the nose and blew out the back of his head like a party favor. Look folks if someone says they are going for their badge just shoot them, because thats what they are really going for, their own gun. I turned the body over and and put another bullet through the back of his skulls which exited out his face removing much of what he looked like, then began the process of stripping him naked.
Look this isn't some kind of new weird fetish for me I had a plan, a better plan than cave inspector! You'll just have to trust me. Well until tomorrows entry.
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
Don't Be Yourself
The helpful thing about a fake town is that the people running the fake town have to have the appearence of being a real town, which means new people in town don't immediately draw suspicion because again its supposed to be a town. I tried to do my part in not drawing suspicions by acting as unlike myself as possible (so instead of suave and cool, I was clumsy and awkward, completely on purpose mind you). The town seemed real enough though, a tavern, some stables, couple general stores, even a whore house, but Hanlon's info was right, there was definately something going on, for one everyone was basically wearing the same thing.
I mean that literally, they all seemed to have the same shirt and pants ensemble, most likely mass produced. Which seems dumb as all get out to do something so silly when you're trying to build a warship under the nose of the sitting government, but I guess when you're former Red Hand people being stupid is your normal. It took me a week of looking around before I was even able to locate the stupid cave that probably lead to the ship, because Hanlon for all his spying had not actually found that (or his spy might have found that, and might have told him that, IF HE HADN'T JUST KILLED HIM!)
So basically I stumbled my way around a town of people dressed the same for a week before I lucked into finding the place I was supposed to be in. And here I thought I was not actually being myself when I was doing the most Lorentino thing possible, so theres that.
I mean that literally, they all seemed to have the same shirt and pants ensemble, most likely mass produced. Which seems dumb as all get out to do something so silly when you're trying to build a warship under the nose of the sitting government, but I guess when you're former Red Hand people being stupid is your normal. It took me a week of looking around before I was even able to locate the stupid cave that probably lead to the ship, because Hanlon for all his spying had not actually found that (or his spy might have found that, and might have told him that, IF HE HADN'T JUST KILLED HIM!)
So basically I stumbled my way around a town of people dressed the same for a week before I lucked into finding the place I was supposed to be in. And here I thought I was not actually being myself when I was doing the most Lorentino thing possible, so theres that.
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
Disguises are Like Assholes
"Now hold steady." Hanlon had been dressing me in a preposterous outfit for far too long, I don't know where he got the clothes that fit me, or why he felt this was entirely neccessary, I just know I was uncomfortable having another man dressing me, even if Hanlon was most likely not a person at all. We had left the train a day before and rode off into the dwindling wilderness to get close to a town that overlooked a cove, Hanlon assured me that the town was mainly fake and there was a cavern below that actually had the ship that needed to be destroyed.
"You aren't going to do my make up or something are you?"
"No." I felt like my skin was on fire all at once, a light singing as it were and then he was done.
"Ok now you are properly disguised, just to warn you, you are now white." I had to overcome a sudden desire to run screaming from the room let me tell you (amongst other emotions of natural revulsion, look I don't mind white people, skin color is just a color whatever, but I've been brown for centuries, swapping colors with some kind of magical whatever is disconcerting ok).
"I'm what?"
"White, try and keep up, look your enemies don't know a lot about you, but they do know you're bald, brown, and stupid, I can't help the bald or stupid parts, but the brown part I can." His comments hurt, truthful but they hurt.
"Well at least I have my sword."
"Oh crap I'm going to need that as well, it'll give you away."
"Hanlon what am I supposed to defend myself with?"
"Bullets, magic, necromancy, fingernails, teeth, wit? Wait not that last one." I know I've mentioned before Hanlon was never intending on being funny, but I swear he would let jokes slip in if only to remind me he wasn't joking. If that makes any sense.
"So I sneak in there, blow up the ship without blowing myself up and then?"
"And then you return to your shop, I'll leave you to that detail on your own."
"You've flesh out so much else why should I be surprised."
"Trezlan your words wound me, just think you're doing a lot for your country."
"That they'll never know, and that I'm really doing for a weapon dealer who was slighted on a deal."
"Details are always so incovenient." Hanlon stepped back seemingly appreciated the work he'd done and then looked to leave.
"Well at least this plan can't go wrong."
"There are several places it can go wrong, most of them have to deal with you, but I'm sure you are well aware of that." And with that he turned around and was gone. I said "plan" but there wasn't much of a plan, it was as simple as "Blow ship up, leave, don't die." Let me tell you thats good for a Lorentino plan, but I expected a bit more from Hanlon.
"You aren't going to do my make up or something are you?"
"No." I felt like my skin was on fire all at once, a light singing as it were and then he was done.
"Ok now you are properly disguised, just to warn you, you are now white." I had to overcome a sudden desire to run screaming from the room let me tell you (amongst other emotions of natural revulsion, look I don't mind white people, skin color is just a color whatever, but I've been brown for centuries, swapping colors with some kind of magical whatever is disconcerting ok).
"I'm what?"
"White, try and keep up, look your enemies don't know a lot about you, but they do know you're bald, brown, and stupid, I can't help the bald or stupid parts, but the brown part I can." His comments hurt, truthful but they hurt.
"Well at least I have my sword."
"Oh crap I'm going to need that as well, it'll give you away."
"Hanlon what am I supposed to defend myself with?"
"Bullets, magic, necromancy, fingernails, teeth, wit? Wait not that last one." I know I've mentioned before Hanlon was never intending on being funny, but I swear he would let jokes slip in if only to remind me he wasn't joking. If that makes any sense.
"So I sneak in there, blow up the ship without blowing myself up and then?"
"And then you return to your shop, I'll leave you to that detail on your own."
"You've flesh out so much else why should I be surprised."
"Trezlan your words wound me, just think you're doing a lot for your country."
"That they'll never know, and that I'm really doing for a weapon dealer who was slighted on a deal."
"Details are always so incovenient." Hanlon stepped back seemingly appreciated the work he'd done and then looked to leave.
"Well at least this plan can't go wrong."
"There are several places it can go wrong, most of them have to deal with you, but I'm sure you are well aware of that." And with that he turned around and was gone. I said "plan" but there wasn't much of a plan, it was as simple as "Blow ship up, leave, don't die." Let me tell you thats good for a Lorentino plan, but I expected a bit more from Hanlon.
Monday, January 7, 2013
Sinking the Unsinkable
"So basically they are making it to be unsinkable, which is impossible, but their design is pretty close." He had plans detailed plans laid out on the table, honestly this is one reason Hanlon scares me, one of several actually.
"Do I want to know how you got all this information?"
"I paid someone for it Trezlan don't be absurd." He paused considering if he should disclose something and then of course he did. "Ok so I had him killed immediately after that, but I did in fact pay him, even buried him with money I'm not a thief, I also didn't want him warning my enemies." The logic sort of held, though that the guy had sold the info to Hanlon kind of to me said he wasn't going to betray Hanlon, or if he was he'd sold him bunk info to start and the betrayal had already happened. Either way it was more telling to me that Hanlon was not a man I wanted to be considered expendable.
"Ok so how do I sink the unsinkable?"
"Blow it up, start a fire in the powder room and it'll explode the entire ship in a hail of metal and death."
"Seeems simple enough." I'm good at getting things to explode, its a trait I have I admit.
"Sure simple enough aside from the fact you'll have to ignite it while you aren't standing next to it, unless you want to explode with it."
"I see the logic in that."
"And then there is the problem that there are over a hundred people working on the ship and guarding it anytime, some of them magical."
"This just keeps getting better." I started to regret working with Hanlon all those many years ago.
"Take comfort, they will not expect one man to be able to blow up their monstrosity of a ship, so you've got that going for you."
"Swell, so you're saying I'll have no support?"
"I couldn't trust this job with anyone but you Trezlan." It was the kind of no comfort you get from someone telling you they are sending you in alone against a hundred people who want to kill you, to blow up a ship so that another guy can make more profit. Also known as NO COMFORT AT ALL!
"Do I want to know how you got all this information?"
"I paid someone for it Trezlan don't be absurd." He paused considering if he should disclose something and then of course he did. "Ok so I had him killed immediately after that, but I did in fact pay him, even buried him with money I'm not a thief, I also didn't want him warning my enemies." The logic sort of held, though that the guy had sold the info to Hanlon kind of to me said he wasn't going to betray Hanlon, or if he was he'd sold him bunk info to start and the betrayal had already happened. Either way it was more telling to me that Hanlon was not a man I wanted to be considered expendable.
"Ok so how do I sink the unsinkable?"
"Blow it up, start a fire in the powder room and it'll explode the entire ship in a hail of metal and death."
"Seeems simple enough." I'm good at getting things to explode, its a trait I have I admit.
"Sure simple enough aside from the fact you'll have to ignite it while you aren't standing next to it, unless you want to explode with it."
"I see the logic in that."
"And then there is the problem that there are over a hundred people working on the ship and guarding it anytime, some of them magical."
"This just keeps getting better." I started to regret working with Hanlon all those many years ago.
"Take comfort, they will not expect one man to be able to blow up their monstrosity of a ship, so you've got that going for you."
"Swell, so you're saying I'll have no support?"
"I couldn't trust this job with anyone but you Trezlan." It was the kind of no comfort you get from someone telling you they are sending you in alone against a hundred people who want to kill you, to blow up a ship so that another guy can make more profit. Also known as NO COMFORT AT ALL!
Friday, January 4, 2013
War Is Only Fun When You Make a A Profit
Once again I was on a train with Hanlon on my way to a destination I had no idea about. He wanted me to bring all my bag of tricks and cautioned me that there would be killing (naturally the man is a weapon dealer, its not like he's calling me in to talk to a group of people about the safety of magic). Hanlon of course brought nothing, and unlike my last train ride with this guys ancestor (I think I've never actually deteremined if the person who calls himself Hanlon is in fact any relation, he could be some creepy god being who just likes the name) at least I knew that this Hanlon wasn't going to lie to me about what he knew about what was going on. Hanlon was at least blunt about everything that was about to happen, even if it was freaking horrible.
"They're making a warship basically." This was Hanlon's opening, like we'd been having a conversation beforehand that lead to this moment, except we weren't and this is the first thing he said to me about an hour into our train ride, prior to this I'd just been staring out the window at the ruined countryside.
"They?" Again he started in the middle and I had to catch up.
"Your enemies, well the enemies of this country and effectively your enemies because they don't like you very much."
"You'll have to be more specific on the enemies part." Hanlon laughed, it was a dry laugh devoid of actual mirth.
"Former Red Hand sorcerers."
"Again?"
"Your recent travels was just a crazy councilman, this is the educated part of their army, or was the educated part, its why they are making a warship and not trying to conjure a beast."
"And your interest is?"
"Can't I say the well being of the fledgling Guard government?"
"No you have no interest in their continued survival and love war."
"Guilty as charged Trezlan! Tell you the truth they went through another weapon supplier and that just bothers me, I mean what if that supplier gets the contracts for the actual conflict? Well it would just ruin all the effort I've gone through here."
"So if they had contacted you about supplying the fire power?"
"We wouldn't be having this conversation, but since they didn't and we are, time to figure out how we scuttle their warship."
"And by we, you mean me?"
"Oh Trezlan you catch on so fast!" And so Hanlon and I figured out how to sink a ship that wasn't actually in the water, well we started on the process that eventually lead to the... You know what I'll get to that ok.
"They're making a warship basically." This was Hanlon's opening, like we'd been having a conversation beforehand that lead to this moment, except we weren't and this is the first thing he said to me about an hour into our train ride, prior to this I'd just been staring out the window at the ruined countryside.
"They?" Again he started in the middle and I had to catch up.
"Your enemies, well the enemies of this country and effectively your enemies because they don't like you very much."
"You'll have to be more specific on the enemies part." Hanlon laughed, it was a dry laugh devoid of actual mirth.
"Former Red Hand sorcerers."
"Again?"
"Your recent travels was just a crazy councilman, this is the educated part of their army, or was the educated part, its why they are making a warship and not trying to conjure a beast."
"And your interest is?"
"Can't I say the well being of the fledgling Guard government?"
"No you have no interest in their continued survival and love war."
"Guilty as charged Trezlan! Tell you the truth they went through another weapon supplier and that just bothers me, I mean what if that supplier gets the contracts for the actual conflict? Well it would just ruin all the effort I've gone through here."
"So if they had contacted you about supplying the fire power?"
"We wouldn't be having this conversation, but since they didn't and we are, time to figure out how we scuttle their warship."
"And by we, you mean me?"
"Oh Trezlan you catch on so fast!" And so Hanlon and I figured out how to sink a ship that wasn't actually in the water, well we started on the process that eventually lead to the... You know what I'll get to that ok.
Thursday, January 3, 2013
Pretend I'm not Here While you Conspire
I stumbled into Valrym's tavern with all the subtlety I normally have. Both Devuin and Valrym turned to look at me like the unwelcome visitor I completely was.
"I left something behind."
"No you didn't." Valrym of course knew I didn't leave anything behind, but he didn't know that I knew he knew I didn't leave anything behind. You get all that?
"Just keep talking I'll find my whatever thingy I'm looking for, I'm sure its around here somewhere." In retrospect I should have probably come up with a better idea for a lost object than a whatever thingy. Devuin and Valrym did not keep talking, I looked around the bar stools for a bit and then having found the nothing I'd left behind had to leave. To my surprise Hanlon was waiting for me outside.
"So who are they going to kill?"
"I have no idea they wouldn't talk when I was around."
"So you just walked in there pretended to be looking for something and surpringly two gods, well I should say one god one avatar of a god, didn't just keep talking about murdering another god." Hanlon seemed chipper even with the failure, he was always weird like that.
"Well when you put it that way you make me think I didn't think this plan all the way through." Which I hadn't. Honestly I didn't want to get involved in some kind of god war, because well I'm not an idiot. Hanlon looked at me deep in my eyes, I never noticed how black his eyes were and then I felt like I went to sleep only to be woken up on my feet.
"Thankfully they were talking while you were asleep and now I know the dumb one, wants the short one, to try and kill the Fire God."
"How did you?"
"Better for you not to know."
"Do you think they can pull it off?" Hanlon scoffed at the suggestion and then started laughing.
"The Fire God? She who is the god of war, vengeance, and combat with thousands of martial followers and a world continually in strife against an avatar of a dead god and a god who remains because people still curse the wind? Oh yeah they stand a great chance, come Trezlan we will let these morons be.
"But you just said?"
"I wanted to know what they were up to, now that I know I can safely ignore it and we can do what I came here for anyway."
"And what if I don't want to do it?"
"You always ask questions you already know the answer to." I did know the answer it didn't matter what I wanted, because what I wanted never mattered! I tell you, you'd think I'd learn my participation in my own life is at best minimal.
"I left something behind."
"No you didn't." Valrym of course knew I didn't leave anything behind, but he didn't know that I knew he knew I didn't leave anything behind. You get all that?
"Just keep talking I'll find my whatever thingy I'm looking for, I'm sure its around here somewhere." In retrospect I should have probably come up with a better idea for a lost object than a whatever thingy. Devuin and Valrym did not keep talking, I looked around the bar stools for a bit and then having found the nothing I'd left behind had to leave. To my surprise Hanlon was waiting for me outside.
"So who are they going to kill?"
"I have no idea they wouldn't talk when I was around."
"So you just walked in there pretended to be looking for something and surpringly two gods, well I should say one god one avatar of a god, didn't just keep talking about murdering another god." Hanlon seemed chipper even with the failure, he was always weird like that.
"Well when you put it that way you make me think I didn't think this plan all the way through." Which I hadn't. Honestly I didn't want to get involved in some kind of god war, because well I'm not an idiot. Hanlon looked at me deep in my eyes, I never noticed how black his eyes were and then I felt like I went to sleep only to be woken up on my feet.
"Thankfully they were talking while you were asleep and now I know the dumb one, wants the short one, to try and kill the Fire God."
"How did you?"
"Better for you not to know."
"Do you think they can pull it off?" Hanlon scoffed at the suggestion and then started laughing.
"The Fire God? She who is the god of war, vengeance, and combat with thousands of martial followers and a world continually in strife against an avatar of a dead god and a god who remains because people still curse the wind? Oh yeah they stand a great chance, come Trezlan we will let these morons be.
"But you just said?"
"I wanted to know what they were up to, now that I know I can safely ignore it and we can do what I came here for anyway."
"And what if I don't want to do it?"
"You always ask questions you already know the answer to." I did know the answer it didn't matter what I wanted, because what I wanted never mattered! I tell you, you'd think I'd learn my participation in my own life is at best minimal.
Wednesday, January 2, 2013
God Stink
I was more than a little drunk still when I managed to make my way to my shop. I'll admit struggling to open my own door in a darkened street probably not the safest position to be in, I mean the Guard tries to keep things all law and order like, but I think I've shown several times how wrong that usually is. So it came as no surprise after my second time of dropping my keys someone aided me in opening the door, the surprise of course was that it was Hanlon, as impeccably dressed as ever.
"Trezlan my boy its a beautiful nig," He paused mid creepy exhultation of how the night was wonderful and got a look on his face like rancid milk, "Ugh you stink of gods."
"Well I did kill one," I stumbled into my shop almost crashing into a newly moved shelf Nidget had set up, to my hilarious surprise he took being a shop manager extremely seriously, which was more than a little funny to me for a thief.
"No thats not what this smell is, and that wasn't really a god, more like a really powerful spirit." Even in my drunk state I was more than a little concerned with Hanlon's freakish ability to know things, "Though bravo using a curse of life release, I mean that kind of curse has to only really be useful on that creature and your friendly Morley."
"I have no idea what you're talking about."
"Right of course," Hanlon sniffed the air and I went to try and see where Nidget had put my pot for coffee I figured my night was about to get really long, "A God and a lesser being that bartender, not normally together something foul is a foot I believe." Hanlon was just talking things out so I decided to help.
"Yeah the wind god and the bartender were talking about killing a God or something I passed out during the conversation."
"Oh really? How delightful." I'll just mention again how creepy Hanlon is, like he's actually delighted at the idea of gods conspiring to murder one of their own, I almost worry he somehow grows stronger from strife in the world, I will say everytime I see him he looks healtheir, never older, and always very very clean. And need I mention the world is constantly at war or about to be? Yeah Hanlon is definately not something nice.
"Which God?"
"I have no idea I passed out."
"Well then I guess we'll have to find out."
"Wait what?" And that is how this new adventure with Hanlon got started, I'll admit we didn't try and kill a god, but seeing what we did get into, that would have been probably the easier thing.
"Trezlan my boy its a beautiful nig," He paused mid creepy exhultation of how the night was wonderful and got a look on his face like rancid milk, "Ugh you stink of gods."
"Well I did kill one," I stumbled into my shop almost crashing into a newly moved shelf Nidget had set up, to my hilarious surprise he took being a shop manager extremely seriously, which was more than a little funny to me for a thief.
"No thats not what this smell is, and that wasn't really a god, more like a really powerful spirit." Even in my drunk state I was more than a little concerned with Hanlon's freakish ability to know things, "Though bravo using a curse of life release, I mean that kind of curse has to only really be useful on that creature and your friendly Morley."
"I have no idea what you're talking about."
"Right of course," Hanlon sniffed the air and I went to try and see where Nidget had put my pot for coffee I figured my night was about to get really long, "A God and a lesser being that bartender, not normally together something foul is a foot I believe." Hanlon was just talking things out so I decided to help.
"Yeah the wind god and the bartender were talking about killing a God or something I passed out during the conversation."
"Oh really? How delightful." I'll just mention again how creepy Hanlon is, like he's actually delighted at the idea of gods conspiring to murder one of their own, I almost worry he somehow grows stronger from strife in the world, I will say everytime I see him he looks healtheir, never older, and always very very clean. And need I mention the world is constantly at war or about to be? Yeah Hanlon is definately not something nice.
"Which God?"
"I have no idea I passed out."
"Well then I guess we'll have to find out."
"Wait what?" And that is how this new adventure with Hanlon got started, I'll admit we didn't try and kill a god, but seeing what we did get into, that would have been probably the easier thing.
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
Low Rent? Just Means I'm Affordable
"You sure you want to discuss this with him around?" Valrym thumbed his finger to me and I almost growled at the implication.
"The low rent necromancer? Yeah I don't think there is anything to worry about with him." I went to protest but figured it best to just drink my beer and listen to their plotting in case it could work in my favor.
"So what do you want Devuin?" Valrym was always a no bullshit kind of guy, which is nice most of the time.
"Valrym please don't be like that, we hardly see each other."
"Which is intentional."
"Still holding a grudge?"
"No Devuin it never bothered me that while my followers and religion died fighting a pointless war under the earth, you managed to keep being a god despite having no followers simply because people believe in the wind because its real while the earth is just a concept that requires no belief, I hold no grudge." I never thought of it like that, but it did make sense, I mean people always curse the wind, never made me think that actually could give a god power, but anything is possible.
"Well I'm glad you aren't holding a grudge." Devuin seemed either uniquely uncaring, or a masterful user of sarcasm, I was too drunk to tell the difference.
"Again what do you want?"
"I want you to be a god again! I want us to be having fun like we did back in the day! Sure you weren't exactly the earth god but you are his spawn and could just as easily be him! You just kind of need to kill another god."
"And the real reason comes out, let me guess its you who want to move on from where you are at, and want me to risk myself to get there." Valrym saw through Devuin's plan, though to be honest it was a fairly obvious plan.
"Look you'd benefit too, so its not like you'd completely be put out by it."
"I can kill a god." I decided to speak up, even though it was a bit slurred.
"Shut up Trezlan drink your beer." And so I did, and then I passed out. I'll admit it probably wasn't the best idea when there was discussion of gods killing gods, but if this journal has shown anything its my propensity for making bad decisions!
"The low rent necromancer? Yeah I don't think there is anything to worry about with him." I went to protest but figured it best to just drink my beer and listen to their plotting in case it could work in my favor.
"So what do you want Devuin?" Valrym was always a no bullshit kind of guy, which is nice most of the time.
"Valrym please don't be like that, we hardly see each other."
"Which is intentional."
"Still holding a grudge?"
"No Devuin it never bothered me that while my followers and religion died fighting a pointless war under the earth, you managed to keep being a god despite having no followers simply because people believe in the wind because its real while the earth is just a concept that requires no belief, I hold no grudge." I never thought of it like that, but it did make sense, I mean people always curse the wind, never made me think that actually could give a god power, but anything is possible.
"Well I'm glad you aren't holding a grudge." Devuin seemed either uniquely uncaring, or a masterful user of sarcasm, I was too drunk to tell the difference.
"Again what do you want?"
"I want you to be a god again! I want us to be having fun like we did back in the day! Sure you weren't exactly the earth god but you are his spawn and could just as easily be him! You just kind of need to kill another god."
"And the real reason comes out, let me guess its you who want to move on from where you are at, and want me to risk myself to get there." Valrym saw through Devuin's plan, though to be honest it was a fairly obvious plan.
"Look you'd benefit too, so its not like you'd completely be put out by it."
"I can kill a god." I decided to speak up, even though it was a bit slurred.
"Shut up Trezlan drink your beer." And so I did, and then I passed out. I'll admit it probably wasn't the best idea when there was discussion of gods killing gods, but if this journal has shown anything its my propensity for making bad decisions!
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