I Am Not a Child Murderer

"You know covered in ash you almost look like me."

"I look like a scraggly bearded sort of bald guy that hasn't bathed in a while?" Did I mention Mordere is a casual dick before? Like other people go through effort, but Mordere was literally just listing his observations of me there and it was incredibly dickish.

"I meant you were kind of darker looking covered in ash, but thanks for listing all my faults."

"Those weren't all your faults." Again incredibly dickish. We started walking back to the beach, I didn't bother to loot Hilda's shack because honestly witch crap is all spooky bullshit best left to rot.

"I really hope the person who paid you for this wasn't a dignified looking old lady, because I got some bad news on that front."

"Saved me the trip if you killed her sister, and even if I accepted a contract from a witch, which I wouldn't, I always get the money up front." The lessons you learn from a contract murderer, and I was sad to hear that I was worse than he was in that he wouldn't take a witch's contract.

"So this was a Fire God kill?"

"Well I did burn down her forest, but yes Hilda and her sister have been on our lists for a while, some kind of ritual thing a long time ago no one seemingly remembers exactly why, I just figured it was time to close the books."

"How Polite of you."

"It was a shame so many animals had to die in the fire, but who knows what horrible the witch had done to them, so it's probably for the best, besides scavenger birds will eat hearty for at least a week." Would it come as a surprise that Mordere really likes birds? I'd figure not, I mean they kill exactly like he does, out of nowhere and for seemingly no reason. We arrived at the boat, the child was about to make a comment I saw her lips move and then Mordere's bullet splattered the upper half of her head into the water.  I did notice that instead of blood it was a black goo that withered out of her like so much broken egg yoke, I also noticed the blackness hissed when it hit my boat and sank it shortly thereafter.

"So that happened." I couldn't think of anything else to say.

"Trezlan do you understand how dangerous that creature was?"

"I had it shackled."

"The only thing that saved your life."

"Do I really want to know what it was?"

"No, no you do not." And so I did not learn what the not a child was, thankfully Mordere offered me a way off the island, unthankfully (is that a word? Now it is) he wanted something. Because that's how my life is.

Ash The World Turns

I have remarked before how I'm not that observant.  Its a personal failing, I miss obvious details, I don't pay attention to real problems. After all these years it still remains my greatest weakness (well that and bullets, but unlike bullets I can work on this one!) But even I can tell when an entire island is on fire.  Well not exactly on fire anymore, but having been on fire and filling the area with thick acrid smoke.

"Left a kettle on when you were last here?" The not child had been petulant the whole trip, I don't feel the need to write down all of her pithy little comments, just know they were obnoxious.

"You know its funny I'm the one known for burning down things so this would be a new one on me." Hilariously I'd find out later that Nidget and Andre also burned down Brownwater without me, I tell you this world just likes things to burn. I pulled the boat to shore and could see several places the fire had started and the fuel that had been used.  There was also another boat docked there, but considerably better equipped than my little rowboat. From the island's devastated view point clearly the owner of the boat had come to kill Hilda.  Couldn't say I was too broken up about it, but it did mean I was left with a petulant not child.

"Stay here."

"Where am I going to go, my hands are shackled behind my back."

"Drown, and that would just kill me." It really would I'd be heartbroken I'd have to do something with the body. She made a rude face (it was all she really had) and I moved into the middle of the smoldering forest.Whoever had burned it down knew what they were doing, Not a single living thing managed to survive.  Hilda's shack had managed to make it, I'm guessing through some effort of magical ability from her. Hilda herself had not managed to make it, she had a bullet in her head and several in her chest region (I say region because the kind of high caliber rounds used it became more like a general torso, that and I didn't want to see old lady boobs sue me).  Emerging from the hut was her killer Mordere.

"Mr. Lorentino." Was all he said, his hand already on the handle of his revolver in greeting. I tell you its almost like we weren't friends, which we totally aren't, but still.

Childs Play

"You must be dangerously incompetent for this to have happened to you." The child had recovered from me punching her in the face and felt the need to try and get hit again (look I take lip from all kinds of people, half pint evil children are not amongst that growing group of jerks).

"Says the child shackled and about to be dragged back to your evil master." I had made camp near the boat, thankfully it was still there (if someone had stolen it like I had stolen it I would have been in real trouble). I would have just tossed her in the boat and set about going back to the island, but it was dark and I was bad enough with directions already.

"You do know what she plans on doing with me right?"

"Don't know, don't care.  Look I get that you have the form of a child for whatever resaon, but I know you are no more a child than I am a nice guy." A painful admission.

"Yes most nice guys don't punch children in the face."

"Let them meet you I'm sure they'd figure out a reason to do so."

"You're a horrible person I want you to know that whenever you die things will be waiting for you." Her eyes took on a bit of a glare that would have scared a lesser man.  Me they just well ok it creeped me out.

"Good thing I don't plan on dying." Its true I plan on living forever, necromancy is really useful for this, but if there was a potion, spell, or just herb that accomplished the same thing I'd be all over that.

"I knew I smelled something rotten, you're a necromancer."

"Points for you whatever you are, keep talking though you do it enough and I'll figure out what to sacrifice of my clothing to make a gag, perhaps my underare." The creature glared again but fell silent. It was a moral victory in my mind. I put my hands behind my head and assumed a position to sleep, I couldn't sleep of course, even shackled the creature could kill me should I let it, but I had to at least pretend to rest to keep my spirits up, I'm odd like that.

All the same I could have found the island in the dark if I had known it had been set on fire in my absence, but you know hindsight and all that.  Oh kind of a cliffhanger right? Well its not like the next page isn't just right there silly journal.

Never Trust Children

Hilda had given me instructions on what to return with. They were vague instructions, but she said she needed her "catalyst".  Now I've heard the term used for all sorts of things (including some of my actions being a catalyst for horrible things happening), but what Hilda meant was something I would not have called a Catalyst. I would have called her a GODS DAMNED CHILD! Yes hilda's catalyst was a living child. How did I know that's what she was? Because she bore the mark Hilda told me to look for. I was quite stunned rummaging through the ROL's things to come across the child, locked in a room looking at me with hatred (everyone does that, it was more the child thing than the hatred).

"So Hilda sent someone to get me then?" She was wearing a frilly dress, the kind children wear to something fancy, her tone spoke not of a child though, her voice was unusually older. That combined with Hilda wanting her had me suspect her immediately. So punched her in the face and shackled her immediately.  Yes this makes me kind of sort of a child abuser (look it was just the one child, and several others I haven't written about, wait shit), but I was well past trusting anything at this point and I had the shackles which I intended on using on the ROL, but stupidly didn't (look mistakes happen, look at my entire life).

At least it was night time so when I loaded up an unconcious child shackled on my horse no one was around to ask questions (ROL also again as I noted lived kind of away from everyone else). I was tempted to burn the house down, but not knowing what was inside it outside of a decaying old lady I didn't want to risk blowing myself up.  And so I left, I had to get the little girl back to Hilda and get on with my life.  So you can add child abuse and kidnapping to all my good deeds.

There Are Rules You Know

Paralytic poisons always leave you with a nasty aftertaste. Which doesn't make sense when you didn't drink them! But there I was tied to a table, blood writing on my chest and a taste in my mouth between bog slime and urine (don't ask why I know that flavor). I was bound with what appeared to be some kind of organic vine, most likely the ROL knew the same magic as Hilda and it was a living plant. Thankfully it didn't inhibit magic (because she thought I was a bandit). I couldn't make out all the writing on my chest, but I knew enough about ritual magic to know what the spell generally was, as you can assume it wasn't something I wanted.

"You're really making me feel stupid for not just shooting you." No matter the situation I have to remind people that yes I feel dumb for things. Its a way of humbling myself you see.

"Bandit I think your dumb as shit for a lot of reasons, though I am a bit concerned you have a very weird sword that almost hurts to touch." That earth god blade is like a truth meter for bad people, I swear I should just touch it to someones skin, if they flinch, kill them.

"Stole it from an idiot." Not exactly wrong, though I'm sure Valyrm would find my description of him not very kind.

"Someone dumber than you? Must have been barely breathing." She was working more of the ritual magic, I could feel the slight hum in the air. I wasn't concerned or I would have broken out immediately.

"Give it a minute I'm sure you're about to have that smile wiped off your face."

"You have someone showing up to save you?"

"Nope." She continued on her smug little smile in place, snapping herbs and whispering words.  I could feel the hum picking up, her words got louder the room swirled a bit with the power and she cast her little cauldron of herbs and gods knows what else on me and then she pitched backwards violently, her body convulsing like she'd been stung by a venmous creature. I broke the vines with a simple fire spell and stood up making a sweeping gesture with my hands to clean off the gunk from my chest.

"What did you do?" She muttered out, her body which wasn't in a great state to begin with was rapidly aging faster than before.

"Nothing, you did this to yourself by not writing the magic properly." You see ritual magic is an exact magic, mess a rune here, say a word wrong there and it'll bite you just as bad as its intended target. She intended on making me wither and stealing my life force at the same time, she screwed it up and the spell was reversed. For all her bluster she was as bad at magic as I am at negotiating.

In a way I didn't do as Hilda requested, since I didn't kill the ROL, I let her kill herself. But not to spoil things, but lets just say Hilda didn't really have too much to say in the matter. That will have to wait till the next entry you know how this journal rolls!

Never Trust Old Ladies

Subject says it all. You know everytime I trust anyone in this world they always end up stabbing me in the back. Its why I don't trust Hanlon whatever he is (I don't think he trusts me either, if he's even a he, you know I often wonder that about Hanlon, like do other people see him as a she, would it be appropriate to use male pronouns? This is all mind boggling and probably deserving of a seperate entry, in a book I'd never write). So I didn't follow my own advice when dealing with the ROL and of course she screwed me over.

I thought things were going ok, she brought me to her cottage slightly outside the town limits of where she lived (I knew where it was having stalked her to this point, but still it was the first time she invited me in). She offered me a drink I declined not wanting to get poisoned, then she showed me into her basement (a bad place to be, but again I thought I had the upper hand), it was the usual basement, clutter, witch crap along the walls, rotten smell, you know same as anyones basement.  It wasn't until I was at the foot of the stairs when I realized that there was no other door in the basement and she had just lead me into a trap. Well that and she hit me with a dart that caused paralysis, so two things.

Yep I fell for the old "Welcome to my evil basement now get paralyzed trick" I tell you I should have seen it coming, what with being in front and not behind. I'm the worst robber/looter ever. People often ask me why I don't do more evil things, frankly I'm terrible at them, its an excuse I use for a lot of things.

Just a Friendly Conversation

"Keep your hand where I can see them." The revolver was under the table, the lady dressed in a dress far too fancy for the tavern I had met her in was seated across from me.  She was a regal looking older lady (I say older I'm sure I'm quite older than her but don't look it, the joys of life stealing).  Well maintained grey hair in a bun, wrinkles on her face in all the dignified places. She had weird eyes though, like partially green and then blue and then brown. It was almost as if they shifted the way the light hit them in the dark tavern the light shifted constantly, part of the reason I'd left a note for her to meet me there.

"I see Hilda finally found an idiot to do her job for her."

"Awful mean to someone who has a pistol on you." The details of how I tracked down the nice old lady are pretty boring, as was my trip from Hilda's island back to land (outside of how far I was, that was pretty shocking I tell you my arms were soar as all get out when I made land fall).

"I'm sure I'm hurting your feelings bandit."

"Breaking my heart, look this is a courtesy, I could have done this the messy way." The messy way of course meaning what Hilda actually wanted, killing the regal old lady (or ROL for short).

"I don't think you have the balls baldy, now get to what she wanted or let me go." I'd left a note for ROL on her door, I'd been following her since I'd gotten to town, and she was partially right, I didn't feel right killing her just because some old disfigured hag wanted her dead, I'm a man of principal every once in a long while.

"If I got to what Hilda wanted we wouldn't be having this conversation." I tried to put it politely because we were in public, I mean the place was shady, but saying openly "She wants you dead," is sure to raise ears.

"I see and out of the kindness of your bandit heart you'd rather rob me than loot my corpse."

"Something like that." I didn't dissuade her from thinking I was a bandit, its why I used my pistol instead of the threat of magic. Because when someone is underestimating you, never correct them. She seemed to weigh her options, I understood why, she was thinking of how she could turn this on me without getting her killed, I've made the same calculations in my head more than a few times.

"Fine you win bandit, I'll let you rob me." Let in this case was a lie, but you know what they say, you trust one ROL you get what you deserve.  Ok no one says that, but still its true! And no I don't go around robbing old ladies all the time, I just wait them out and then buy their items at a discount price from disinterested relatives! Totally better!

Bewitching Proposition

"Hahahahahahaha"

"Something funny Necromancer?" Hilda had invited me to her hovel, she was about to offer me a drink of a brew I'm sure was half poisoned when I just burst out laughing.

"Possibly, I don't know something just told me I should find something humerous and I don't know why." It would only be years later when I heard about Brownwater that I knew the reason, but at the time it just seemed I'd gone partially insane, which is totally false I'm fully insane obviously.

"Perhaps you are not the person I need for this."

"Fantastic I'll just be on my way." I had stood up ready to leave her rotting shack of horrors when she grabbed my arm (always bad kids what have I told you about touching necromancers?)

"Not so fast necromancer."

"Damn and I was almost there."

"Sit Necromancer." And so I sat, I'd decribe the shack, but honestly you probably can imagine it already, the sights, the smells, the horrible rotting wood. It was very homey, just like evil mom used to have.

"I have a name."

"Do you want me to know it?"

"Not particularly."

"Then Necromancer it shall be." Giving a witch your name, is a lot like giving a magic user your blood, begging for trouble (ritual magic is always weird like that).

"What is it that you think I can do for you?"

"Kill someone obviously, being you're a necromancer I figure you've got experience."

"True its not like you can get in the club without some death." Or in my case a lot of death, directly and indirectly.

"And you blend in with normals where as someone like myself they'll see coming a mile away."

"What? No honey you are perfect just the way you are." That got a sour look, but you know the Lorentino way, sarcasm no matter the cost!

"You are such a charmer, is it any surprise you are alone on an island with me." Her words were punctuated by spitting, I don't know if that was intentional or just something she had to do every once in a while, "You see my former sister has left me here to rot and stolen something from me, I want you to kill her and bring it back, simple Necromancer even someone like you couldn't screw it up."

"And if I don't?"

"Then I'll find a way to put a curse on you that won't kill you but it'll make me look like a true beauty to how horrible you'll look and no amount of necromancy could fix it." A curse of ugliness, truely the most horrific thing she could think of.

"Get me a paddle and a place to go and away I'll be!" And so she did, and so I was. Tell you the truth working for a witch is one of the least horrible things I've ever done. Seriously! I'm not at all lying to you.  For serious.  You ever notice how people say that they don't mean it? Except this time, I totally mean it!

Brownwater We Hardly Knew Ye

"I'm out." Andre had rapid fire shot his eight rounds of rifle ammunition, I'm sure he hit most of his targets, but it wasn't very encouraging he hadn't waited for them to at least try and get inside.

"Take my pistol, I'll use the crossbow."

"But its so small Nidget."

"Look its not the size of the pistol Andre!" I tell you people always make fun of my pistol, its very hurtful, damn tallies. Andre was about to make a comment back when I smelled smoke, I turned around and noticed that some of the errant shots had somehow set the bar on fire. It was then that I looked beneath the floor boards (because they had a lot of space between, poor construction people of Brownwater) and noticed all the kegs of liquor underneath. I also saw in what had to have been the dumbest decision ever, freaking black powder kegs as well, because why not I guess?

"RUN!" I screamed out, and Andre followed.  You might think it a bit silly to run into the bullets your enemies are firing, and it was. But so is staying in a building to get exploded by some liquor black powder bomb left by an idiot (on a positive note this caused me to rearrange Trezlan's store stock a bit just in case). Hilariously the bandits were shocked by us running by they stopped firing, they probably would have resumed firing if the bar didn't explode behind them engulfing them in fire. The explosion tossed both Andre and myself all the way to the river bank, it quickly ignited the rest of the town and by nightfall it had all burned down.

"Somewhere Trezlan is laughing at us and he doesn't know why." I said it while also thinking that the stupid jerk was right the whole time.  I hate when that happens.  So there, that is what you were missing out on from Trezlan's poor story telling. Don't you feel enlightened?

The Pointless Defense of Brownwater

"You know if only we had someone who can cast fire this would be easier." We had ducked behind the bar (strong wooden construction and access to alcohol if I was going to die because of Trezlan I wanted to go out drunk) bullets followed right after us, well bullets and harsh language

"Trezlan is not actually here Nidget, he can not hear you insulting him."

"Its for me Andre I need to say this." Going unsaid is when I complain I wish Andre was around when I'm in trouble, which is frequent as well. Bullets had started to shatter some of the bottle above us, which made me glad Trezlan wasn't there, because he'd probably accidentally set us on fire.

"What's going..." The lone child bartender appeared and immeadiately got shot in the face.  I felt kind of stupid, here we were supposed to be protecting this kid and he just got killed.  I tell you its enough to make me almost wish I'd followed Trezlan to wherever he went, almost.

"Well this whole defense became pointless."

"They still want to kill us Nidget, its not like we can tell them they have successfully killed the one townsperson and sorry about murdering your friends."

"We didn't kill anyone that was all Trezlan."

"And he's not here."

"I swear that guy has luck on luck."

"I have 8 bullets for my rifle, how about you?"

"6 in the pistol and like 5 crossbow bolts."

"The Fire God will welcome us as heroes."

"Yeah idiotic heroes." That's the problem with being the associate of a guy who believes dying in battle to be the ultimate good. HE KEEPS WANTING TO DIE! At least Trezlan has self preservation down to a cowardly science.

Yes He Totally Left Us

Nidget here interrupting Trezlan's inane rambling to fill you in on what happened after he left us like the total dick he is. To bring us back to where he left us, Trezlan had just freed us and set fire to the group of bandits around us. We had snatched our weapons conveniently piled next to us and Andre and Myself ran for a defensible position and Trezlan just ran away like the cowardly jack ass he is.

"He's not coming back is he?" Andre said while gravely lifting his shield up and scouting the area for some kind of defendable place to take on the bandits.

"Yep pretty much, I mean frankly its surprising he stuck around this long." Trezlan is a lot of things, a hero is not one of them, hell a man of character is not one of them, you think most of this journal has any truth to it? I doubt it. We had ran into the bar, because another wooden building with flammable liquid in it seemed like a really good idea (well we got rid of Trezlan, so we were marginally safer).  The bandits set up outside and immediately started firing, their portly leader had survived Trezlan's fire attack though he did sound in pain, so he didn't come through completely unharmed.

"This will not end well." Andre is normally not very optimistic, I guess it comes with being a devote believer in a god of war. It did not end well, but that will have to wait till I can find some more ink. I tell you its like Trezlan locks up writing supplies when he leaves because he knows I put stuff in his journal! I do because you do, you little ass.

Hilda The Bitch Witch

"How are you feeling today necromancer?" I'd been hanging there an entire day, blood was fully in my head and I had a pounding headache, I also bruised my face from trying to swing my way into the tree to find my way down. The tree was over exuberant in assisting me in the swinging, but pulled back after I'd collided my face into it.

"Your prophecy is now fulfilled I want to kill you old woman." Honesty is always the best policy when hanging twenty feet in the air. Surpringly she let me down, I was shocked, and not just from the blood rushing to the parts of my body it was needed in. Well that and I finally got to take a piss I'd been holding for a while (peeing while hanging up side down is a great way to piss in your own mouth, no don't ask how I know this).

"And thats how I knew you didn't want to kill me." She was talking behind me, but as I said I was too busy urinating to care that much.

"Because I said I wanted to after saying I didn't, you're an odd witch."

"No because you now honestly reached the conclusion you wanted to kill me, informing me you weren't previously bent on the topic."

"That makes no sense."

"Neither does a man who's considerably older than I calling me old woman."

"Points to you witch." I turned around, she was not very impressive on the ground, but witch's rarely are. "So what do you want done you figure only I can accomplish?"

"Ahh I see no need for plying you with honeyed words I see."

"I've got things to do and a shop to run, name your price for getting off this island so I can get on with my life." She smiled, crooked yellowed teeth breaking over cracked rotten lips. It was enough of a horror show to make me wish I was still in the tree.

"Follow me necromancer, let us speak of the tasks I have for you." I didn't like the word tasks, or having to follow her deeper into her domain, but she had me at a loss and as always I play out bad hands, which is also why I'm a poor card player.

Treed

Hanging around swinging in the breeze would almost be relaxing if not for the horrific implications of a large fall and a swift stop at the end (like the saying goes the only thing stopping me from flying is the ground). There is also the possibility of two things in being suspended in the air.  Either the plants or alive (a distinct possibility considering my history) or someone was controlling them. Neither were optimal for me as a person and I did not like the implication.

I could smell her before I could see her.  She was cloaked in ritual magic and filth, which spoke to her profession well, a damned witch.  Age was difficult to determine, but for those types it always is. I've heard they too practice necromancy (indeed there are rumors they were the first practioners), but if they do its not to their personal flesh benefit as I've never run across a witch who looks a day under a hundred years old.  Witch's are normally very low powered magic users, relying instead on blood rituals, potions and bullshit to get by with idiots and the easily mislead (no comments from the peanut gallery about thats how I make my living!)

"I can smell you from here Necromancer." She was beneath me, her ragged shawl smelled like shit even from high in the air.

"Likewise." I tried to look down consistently but the vine holding my leg made that a pain in the ass to maintain.

"Come to kill Hilda have you? You'll find I don't die easily."

"Not here to kill you at all, I fell asleep on a boat wound up here, let me down and I'll show you I have no ill intent." I saw her look over my weapons, she didn't touch the sword I could see the revulsion even from twenty feet up.

"Right bringing a weapon of an earth god and a revolver on your little boat trip."

"Never can be too careful, come on I'm getting a headache from hanging upside down up here."

"No I think I'll leave you up there until you are more honest."

"Lady you leave me up here and I'll want to kill you." It was a self fulfilling prophecy! But the witch left me to my own devices and so I swung from up high a victim to someone elses persecution complex.  You'll notice I rarely take prisoners, and now you know why! Its just rude.

Wander For A While On the Isle

Alone in the dark on a strange island with large beasts is no way to explore, its why I decided to wait out the night on my boat (it was my boat now, I stole it fair and square). The morning brought the sunlight and I could see the full extent of the Island.  It was pretty lush (we were south, so it made sense to an extent), there was a lot of heavy green foilage trees and vines and bushes.  Which made it hard to see deep in, but implied that most likely people didn't live there (I say most likely because you never truely know).

I could make out tracks in the sand indicating that animals at least came to the beach either to drink or hunt or I have no idea. They appeared to be catlike in their claw imprints (look I'm not an amazing tracker but I can read some tracks ok!) judging from the size of the foot I had to be cautious in the overgrown area or I'd figure out how good of a predator they were.  The beach was fairly large which was another point of fear for me.  An island this size with this kind of plant life SHOULD have had people on it.  People don't normally just not inhabit an island with sustainability especially not in this age.  So obviously something was here that made this place not good for anyone to live and that would make it hard for me to get what I needed (a paddle and a sense of direction).

I could see in the morning that I was far out to see, no banks in sight.  Which raised several questions about how long I'd been asleep and how fast that current was. Still I was content to explore inside despite the loud crash I'd heard the night before, because I'm an idiot and idiots do idiotic things. So I set out from my nice safe boat with my revolver in hand and crept into the forest of the Isle of no one (Do you like that name? Its not the real one, the real name I'll tell you later because it'll spoil the surprise).

I was just far enough away from the beach that I was almost losing sight of my boat when I felt something fasten around my ankle.  It wasn't necessarily a rope, but it was definately strong and lifted me off the ground faster than I could even react.  It was so quick I lost hold of my revolver and my sword fell out of its scabbard hitting the ground with a thunk. I wasn't just above the ground by a little bit either, it appeared I was twenty feet above the ground swinging in the breeze by what appeared to be a vine, so even if I burned the vine the drop would be less than pleasant.

"Well shit." And so my first day of exploring went badly, as anyone could expect.

Here There Be Monsters

I believe I've mentioned several times how easy it is for me to fall asleep? Like no matter the situation or the panic I can fall asleep like a pro (if there was a professional sleeping tournament I'd win).  So it should come as no surprise in the afternoon son with water gently lapping against my boat that I drifted off to sleep.  I mean sure other people might be concerned about Andre and Nidget, but I've already stated I'm a bad person and so I didn't feel anything except joy I wasn't dealing with like twenty five bandits (down from thirty two, you're welcome guys!) I don't know how long I slept, I do know when I woke up it was night time and I had landed on an island.

I did notice it appeared that I was no longer on the mainland, apparently I had fallen asleep, missed the port city the river was attached to, drifted into the ocean and hit an island.  I tell you its almost like my life is a series of the worst decisions known to man that somehow keep me alive but unhappy.  If I believed in some kind of retribution based on poor life choices this would serve as a great example (but I don't because thats total bullshit).

I did know that my stomach was hungry, I still had no paddle, and thus no viable way to get back to shore, and it was dark out.  I figured I couldn't be that far from shore, but I couldn't really make out much because it was a moonless dark night.  I could have brought some fire up, but not knowing where I'd landed that could either be a smart idea, or a dumb idea depending on the inhabitants, knowing my luck I believed dumb was the more likely possiblity.  A fact that was confirmed not too long after a loud crash echoed from somewhere deeper in the island.  Which confirmed there was something large deeper in, and I was going to find out what it was if I had any hope of leaving. So you know, a normal Lorentino situation.

A Pressing Desire For A Map

You know drifting down a river as it gets wider and wider and the current gets stronger and stronger it occured to me I really need to get a hold of a map before I travel anywhere. I mean I tend to just go off in the wilderness on a wing and a prayer and just hope things work out. I need to stop doing that! Especially since maps are a thing that exist! Even in this war torn world people make their living making the damn things.

But no, there I was floating down a river possibly to my doom wondering what I'd gotten myself into.  Why didn't I just leave the boat you may ask? I mentioned the rivers current was strong already didn't I? Also I'm a terrible swimmer, despite continually arriving in situations where I need to swim.  See much like the map situation I refuse to ever improve myself in a way that would make these scenarios easier in the fallen hope that one day I'll stop finding myself in these scenarios.

Did that make sense? I hope it does. Anyway back to the point of my meandering narrative (do I have one? Did I ever?) I basically drifted down a river getting further and further away from shore, and more and more afraid that this would not end well. Spoiler alert it did not.

A Fire For the Dramatic

When you are surrounded by bandits and they are completely unaware you have magical power the smart thing to do is announce that you have the power of fire in the most over the top way.  Yes it will drain you of most your magical ability thus making it harder to do anything else afterward, but it will buy you precious fleeing time that you otherwise might not have. I believe I've mentioned before that conjuring fire takes power, but a way to minimize that is using fire nearby (like a camp fire or in this case a building that was already on fire), it's still draining mind you, but at least fire is already there.

So after I freed us from our rope bindings I "pulled" the fire from nearby building, encircled us in it and then exploded it outward (which had the unfortunate side effect of mildly burning Andre, Nidget and myself because of course it did).  It did of course cause the bandits to be immediately terrified (I pulled freaking fire made it in a circle and exploded it, you try and not be terrified of a person doing that). Which afforded us a chance to flee, snatching our weapons that had been tossed aside after we'd been captured.

The problem of course when you have three people fleeing a larger group is that you don't coordinate the flee. So we all ran in different directions.  I personally ran south towards the docks and a nearby boat, because screw Brownwater. Thankfully there was a boat at the dock and I got in it and shoved myself off, unfortunately it was only after I'd pushed away from the dock did I notice there wasn't a damn paddle in the boat and the river current had got me.

Yes I literally put myself into a situation where I was in a river without a paddle.  No the joke did not escape me as I drifted away. At least I got rid of Nidget and Andre.  Yes thats how I am, you should already know that!

Oh So Now You Want My Help

"But then you killed Ted and we really liked Ted." We were being lectured at by the leader of the bandits (a rather fat guy with the worst armor made up of what appeared to be loose pots and pans, he was also wielding a rather large shotgun, probably why he was in charge). They had tied us up after we had ran out of the burning sherriff's station (which was still burning, thankfully it was by itself so it wouldn't spread to another building thus wiping the town out despite my efforts not to do that). They had tied us to a fence post probably intent on burning us to death (To be treated like a common witch, the shame, the SHAME!), but before then they felt the need to TALK US TO DEATH!

"Are these guys bandits or are friends, he's still talking." I was purturbed, Nidget and Andre seemed a bit more afraid of the situation.

"Trezlan get us out of this."

"I mean its like these aren't bandits, their friendits." I was trying to figure why they kept talking, I mean I talk a lot, but thats to delay a murder, not in advance of one. This guy was just jabbering on and on.

"Trezlan!"

"How am I going to get us out of this?"

"Use your magic!"

"You said I can't, said it would get us in trouble, also talk louder I don't think they heard you." I realize its hilarious for me to say that to someone else but that is me.

"This is true Nidget you did say he shouldn't use his magic."

"Well I meant that when it didn't look like we were going to get burned to death."

"... And so I feel bad about this, but you have to die, even though we didn't want to kill you as I previously said." The tubby bandit finished his speech and I yawned. He was seriously boring me to death, I figure he didn't even need fire, just a couple more hours of talking. So in the interest of excitement I ignited our ropes and freed ourselves, which really just put us in danger of getting shot to death, something I'm sure Nidget hadn't really factored in to what with us BEING FREAKING SURROUNDED!  But alas as most things Nidget, he wasn't thinking beyond the initial freedom bit.  So how did we survive? Well you'll have to read tomorrow's entry obviously.

The Roof Is On Fire, I'd Prefer Some Water

"So that happened." The fire was between all of us and spreading.

"Do you know some kind of magic to put out a fire?" Nidget of course always thought I knew some kind of magic to do everything. I've explained to him multiple times what I can and can not do, but he always just jumps to magic like its the solution to everything.

"Yeah you magically get some water and put out the fire you idiot."

"So you are completely useless!"

"Boys there will be plenty of time to blame Trezlan for dooming us after we rectify this situation." Andre ever the rational, even if he still blamed me. The fire had spread, it was now taking over the entire middle, the bandits down below were still putting holes in the roof and as you can expect it made the stability of the building come into question. So it wasn't a huge surprise when the floor gave way underneath us and we came crashing into the sherriffs building, which then also got set on fire from the burning roof.  Left with no other choice but to run out of the building we got promptly captured by the bandits.

So for those playing at home, instead of actually clearing Nidget's most likely entirely made up bounty, and getting out of town. We stuck around to fight bandits and ended up only killing one of them prior to having the building we were on set on fire and then us get taken captive by the people we didn't intend on killing until some Jr. bartender told us they were coming to town. I tell you when I saw how this thing might have gone in my head, this was not what I expected.

Need To Work On My Negotiating

Bullets ripped through the roof eave we were sitting next to, the bandits down below were not really pleased.  Thankfully their aim was as poor as their attitudes. I'll admit this one was kind of my fault (I know its shocking I'm admitting fault, stay with me!)  See when someone shouted up at me I took offense that he interrupted our conversation so I stood up and shot him, now working in my favor I don't think I killed their leader (do bandits even really have a leader? They're bandits!) But that wasn't exactly stopping the bullets ripping apart the roof as the bandits spread out firing in a circle.

"Trezlan what was that?" Nidget was laying on his belly hands over his head.

"Look I don't do well with interruptions."

"YOU THINK?"

"This could work in our favor Nidget they are firing off a lot of ammunition." Andre always the pragmatist.

"Yeah brilliant strategy until they remember we are on a wood structure which they can set on fire." Nidget being the voice of reason, I know it shocked me too.

"Say that a little louder Nidget I don't think they heard..." The glass smashed between all three of us, the liquid and fire it contained ignited the roof immediately.

"Nevermind."