I Rest My Case Probably

"I call Mr. Hanlon to the stand!" I slapped my hand on the table for dramatic effect and the rest of the room gasped with anticipation. And then nothing. Valrym looked at me with his usual perturbment from his place next to me (I had cast our lawyer aside for he was useless, that and he called me an idiot and I do not truck by that kind of upstartedness!). Guthlu was in the gallery and looked at me like I was crazy.

"Mr. Lorentino you can not simply call whoever you want to the stand, they have to actually be available." The Judge talked down to me like a stupid child, and I'm not a stupid child, normally!

"You'll forgive me your honor, but I know that any minute now Hanlon will be coming through those doors." Outside of that they had unshackled me, so I could have burned my way out and fled. I know that would have screwed Val, but when have I ever cared about others? Exactly! We waited about ten minutes, the judge getting perturbed with each passing one.

"Ok ready these men for the gall..." The Judge was interrupted by Hanlon bursting through the doors, at the head of a squad of men dressed in suits. I'd never seen that many Hanlon workers in one place, and I doubt anyone else had ever.

"Sorry your honor I just like to make an impressive entrance." Hanlon made his way to the front of the court and took his seat next to the judge. His men sat in the gallery imposingly, I couldn't tell if he planned on killing everyone to get out of court, but it looked like the plan was on his mind.

"I don't know why he bothered you to show up Mr. Hanlon, Trezlan Lorentino, and Valrym Jorfot our currently on trial for abominable magic practices."

"He called me your honor because you all owe me and by extension you owe Mr. Lorentino and Jorfot. These men have stood against your enemies with brazen courage and have asked for nothing in return. I (he highlighted the I specifically) have no asked for anything in return, but if you execute these men I will ask for something in return and," Hanlon snapped his fingers and one of his suited men approached with a fairly lengthy scroll, "what I would want in return is the entirety of the arms bill for supplying the Guard in their recent conficts." He rolled out the scroll and it flapped back to the end of the courtroom, I could see he was not lying items were listed next to prices on the scroll, he had kept track.

"You can't buy Justice Mr. Hanlon." The judge was visibly sweating.

"Of course I can, I do it all the time, I bought your country entirely, and now you'll either pay me in releasing these men or you'll pay me with what little treasure you have remaining and when you fail to do that, and you will, I'll own every last one of you. At which point I'll free Lorentino and Jorfot anyway, but I'll also own your country and Judge," Hanlon smiled and it was pretty upsetting to see, "You don't want me to own you." Hanlon finished, pulled the scroll back up with a flip of his hand (which was quite amazing to see) and went to leave, before he did he put a hand on my shoulder. "Come find me after they let you out we have things to discuss." He also winked at Val, which Val took with a harumph.

Of course the Judge in the face of Hanlon let us go free, no one wanted to be the guy who gave away the entire country to a weird not human creature who makes weapons for a living. I felt vindicated, Valrym was angry, and Guthlu though I had only known him briefly seemed terrified. All in all it was the perfect Lorentino plan!

Kid Proofing Things

"You realize we'll have to collapse the this hallway or something." Valrym was being a downer after our triumphant defeat of an ancient evil by asshole stabbing (I just love thats how it died because its so so perfect).

"No, why would we have to collapse the hallway, its probably some support cave if we bring it down the whole city will fall into a big hole." I admit I'm not a very good structural engineer.

"You don't understand a damn thing about anything do you Lorentino." Guthlu reminding me he is Val's brother.

"I understand we don't have to bring down a damned hallway under a city!"

"If we don't some moron will stumble in there and while that creature is dead there are ways it can be used that would make us all the worse of it." Right about now you're wondering about the creatures from earlier, they were gone, either fled or disintegrated I have no idea, but be assured they did not return, yet. I'm sure one night when I'm drunk about to take a piss in an alley they'll show up. Oh gods I've set something horrible in motion haven't I? Well no drunk pissing in alleys for me.

"Ok ok I'll do something about the damned hallway, don't either of you two idiots move." So I went in there took some blood drew up some sigils and called it a day. Because I'm a man of action, and necromancy, but mostly action.

"Do I even want to know what you did?" Valrym of course thought the worst of things.

"Its a necromantic spell that is extremely harmful, and only gets worse as lives are taken, so basically anyone damn foolish enough to enter will only power the spell to prevent others from doing the same." Ingenius if I don't say so myself, I've also never used the spell since, so I have no idea if its actually good or bad, I just know its something I did. Like most of my things.

"That sounds so awful."

"Yes Trezlan very awful, perfect for keeping anyone from that creature." And so we left my horrible spell to kill people for all of eternity (I've seen a newspaper story in the capitol about missing tunnel workers, must be something completely independent of my spell, like thos horrible insect creatures!). Alas we left only to be recaptured and put on trial, apparently Boyle did not tell anyone we totally were innocent. Like a dick.

The Optimal Route for Any Victory

"Well Trezlan it's been unpleasant knowing you and since we are about to die as I always figured I would and hoped that you would, I want you to know there is a place bad people go, and I'm sure absolutely sure it will be not nearly enough for all the horrible things you've done in life."

"Oh that's sweet Val."

"What? What part of what I just said was sweet?" I could see a tentacle large and spikey rising from the water about to splatter me into Trezlan meat paste, it was about to be extremely unpleasant.

"That you think when I die I won't simply take over what horrific afterlife is waiting for me, or that they'll simply kick me out." The tentacle reached crushing speed and then suddenly stopped and shuddered. An ear splitting noise filled the room and made my teeth rattle (that was actual, my teeth rattled). The air felt heavy all of a sudden and then it cleared up immeadiately a burst of light erupted from the water, the creature bloated corpse floated up shortly there after. To describe what it looked like would be to invoke madness. Guthlu swam up after it coated in black guts.

"What did you do?" I was generally curious, I mean he was mostly unarmed, and short.

"Swam up its asshole stabbed it in the heart."

"Seriously?"

"Yes everything's got an asshole Trezlan, though most of them of course you can't swim up I'll give you that."

"He's got a point Trezlan."

"Several of them actually, I hid them in gloves because people tend to take your weapons but stripping armor is a lot harder!" He showed the shiney metal bits coated in the blood of the creature he had slain. The smell hit at that point, a corpse rot several centuries in the making I'm sure. Boyle also appeared out of his hiding to screech at us, Guthlu moved forward but I stopped him and grabbed Boyle's balding head.

"I was puzzled for a bit about the rune on your head Mr. Boyle, at first I thought it anti magical, but I was wrong it was instead a mark of slavery, and I release you from its power." The necromancy fixed my ribs painfully, but it was a lot easier than walking around with busted ribs, it also showed me a way out of our legal problems with the Guard, sort of. I mean in reality the legal problems were entirely orchestrated by this creature to kill me and possibly Valrym (he mainly wanted to kill me), but still there was an obvious solution to them and I welcomed it.

"You're a horrible person Trezlan."

"I dunno Val Boyle was a piece of shit having his life stripped from is a fitting punishment." At least Guthlu could appreciate what I do to keep living.

"Do not encourage him brother."

"Lets leave idiots, that stench is going to be with me for days as well as Boyle's crappy mind." Boyle as big of an idiot as he was, had done some pretty horrific things to get where he was and I did not relish the memories. Nor did I enjoy ancient evil stench, no matter how well deserved it was that the creature had been destroyed. And so we left sort of fast, well I say sort of because... blah blah blah next entry!

Why Won't You Just Die?

"LORENTINO!" The Tentacles emerged from the water and snatched us all up, I knew this creature. I'd dealt with it before and frankly I was tired of dealing with it and all of its uglyness.

"Hello whatever you are supposed to be." I still have no idea what the creature actually was, its crushing tentacle on my body burned, I could tell it was happy to see me.

"YOUR DESTRUCTION!"

"You've dealt with this thing before?" Valrym sounded almost surprised.

"Oh yeah we're old friends used to play cards, caught him cheating ran him out of town it was all the rage in the local tongue waggers." I felt the tentacle crush me tighter.

"YOU WILL BE SILENT YOU FOOLISH NECROMANCER!" I don't understand why he didn't kill us if he wanted us to be quiet. Especially me, I mean talking in the face of my own destruction is kind of my thing, its what I do, its where I live!

"You're a necromancer? Now I know why Valrym dislikes you."

"I've nanced my fair share of necros yes, but you know it was always with the best intentions, mostly to avoid this exact type of scenario in which I find myself in." The tentacle tightened again and I swear I heard my bones break, suddenly I remembered why I hated this creature.

"GODLINGS! YOUR GOD IS DEAD AND NOW YOU WILL JOIN HER!" I could see it crushing them as well, well crushing Val, Guthlu looked pretty ok, probably his stupid armor.

"Yeah beasty I'm not dying to you today." Guthlu produced a blade from his armor and sliced the tentacle open, the creature howled and dropped him into the murky water (which to be honest seemed like a worse fate than the crushing). Whatever he did upet the other tentacles because me and Val plunged into the murky water as well, my ribs hurt something fierce upon entry. And then other tentacles sprung forth and tossed me and Valrym towards the walls of the area, I landed with a crack as did Val.

"Well I'm glad he did that."

"Guthlu never was one for plans."

"YOU WILL ALL DIE!!!" The voice was more insistent, but to be honest since I felt like I was dying at the time, it was pretty much a given I was well on the way. Of course I didn't, I mean why do I have to keep telling you all that?

It Seemed Like Such a Bad Idea At the Time

"Well I thought it might work." We were fleeing, the creatures hungry for our vital organs chasing after us. My attempt to burn them to death was a dismal failure, the magic just set them on fire, but did nothing other than that, so we had flaming beasties chasing us instead of just regular ones.

"Because you're an idiot." Valrym who had taken up one of the dead mens rifles had attempted to kill some of the creatures as we fled, it had not worked out very well. We were running deeper in, a fact I tried to inform my two shorter companions of but I got "Shut up Trezlan's" in response. So there was that. The beasts chased us down one slickened corridor after another as if they were herding us towards something (which obviously they were, I mean obviously in hindsight, in the moment it was like OH SHIT OH SHIT FLAMING CREATURES RUN RUN!!!). We hit a corridor slicker than most and tumbled after each other into the darkness. The creatures did not pursue us as we fell, I hit the ground first with both of the godlings crashing after me, which really freaking hurt let me tell you.

"Ye gods you dicks lose some weight."

"I saved your stupid life Lorentino." Guthlu apparently shared something with his brother.

"ONLY TO HAVE IT END!!!" The voice cascaded around the chamber we had been deposited into, I could see in the middle a pool of black water and I knew right away we were in trouble.

Not The Hardiest Group

All of the soldiers were dead, Valrym's brother was anything if not efficient. Just a couple swipes of an axe and boom everyone fell down like crappy trees. Everyone save Boyle of course who Guthlu had pinned to the ground his axe at his throat.

"Seriously Valrym this group kept you imprisoned? Ye gods you have let yourself go."

"I was following the law Guthlu something you have never learned to do in the history of your short miserable existence."

"I missed you too brother, now baldy why were you dragging my brother to his doom down below?"

"They agreed to help us defeat the evil!" He hissed it out, apparently when the tables were turned Boyle was a bit of a scaredy cat.

"Right and that you serve the evil just never crossed your mind to mention."

"I knew it was a trap!" I felt vindicated.

"Of course it was a trap Trezlan good gods you act like it was a huge surprise." Valrym of course had to steal my triumph.

"Shut up both of you I'm threatening! So baldy what was the plan lead them into your master lair and he kills them and you get to reap the rewards?" I don't know what ancient evil gives you as a reward to be honest, most of them just seem like dicks who like to eat people, the bones? A weird pat on the back?

"Actually I was to lead them here and then my minions would kill you all." At that point I noticed the walls moved, and not in the good way (as if there is a good way?) Slimy insect like creatures decended their chittering mouths adding a creepy clicking sound that filled the small passage. Guthlu took his axe off Boyle and he got to his feet and ran off down the corridor.

"We might be in trouble."

"Relax I got this." Of course I did not actually have anything except a whole lot of trouble, but you know the old saying Pride goeth before getting eaten by bug creatures in caves. Yep old saying yep.

Brotherly Hate

"Come Forward." Boyle was demanding of the voice in the dark, and the voice obliged. He was a shorty, well not really, but he was the same height as Valrym, so he appeared short. He had a mohawk and bunch of tattoos all over his face, he wore armor of a make I've never seen before and a rather large axe that was nearly as tall as he was.

"Let my brother go and I'll think about letting you and this merry band of fancies live." It was surprising Valrym would have a brother, I mean it was, but it wasn't, gods are if anything shameless whores for extending their hands into the realm of men.

"Lorentino is your brother? You look nothing of each other." And with that Boyle showed he was kind of a dumb ass. I mean it was obvious from the expedition he was leading, but still. I mean first off I'm hundreds of years old any brothers I may have had are long gods damned dead (and thankfully for that, several of them I killed myself, err died in mysterious circumstances unrelated to me), and secondly NO ONE IN MY FAMILY IS A SHORTY THIS IS BLATANT SLANDER SIR AND I WILL NOT APPRECIATE THE IMPLICATION! If Boyle wasn't dead (spoilers but come on you knew that) I'd have killed him again.

"You are a truely stupid creature even for your kind." Valrym's brother summed it up in the nicest way possible, despite insulting all of man kind along with Boyle, but to be fair man is the worst, I'm a great example of our failings.

"Guthlu leave me to my misery do not add to it." I have to admit the name was kind of gutteral. Valrym was strong, Guthlu looked exactly as his name, some kind of primal response.

"This is my reward for helping you brother? I'll have to remember that next time at our family gatherings."

"We don't have any family gatherings."

"Exactly!"

"WOULD YOU TWO SHUT UP!" Boyle screamed in frustration at being ignored, and then ordered his rifleman to fire, their bullets smashed helplessly against the short godling armor.

"That was impolite to interrupt our discussion." And then all kind of trouble broke loose. Just like my gutter just did on my neighbor HAHAHA IN YOUR FACE YOU SCRUB!

Why Are There So Many Damned Caves?

"This is a bad idea Lorentino, even for you." We were what felt like a mile underneath the capitol, I had accepted the offer from Mr. Boyle to solve an ancient evil in exchange for Valrym and I's freedom. It was a trap naturally, of course it was a trap, trap could have been written along all the spooky evil walls in the entire sewer system it was that obvious. What I hated, and wondered at the same time. WHY DOES EVERY DAMNED CITY HAVE SUCH AWFUL TUNNELS! Shouldn't that impede structural integrity for the buildings and streets up above? Who digs these tunnels? Who maintains them? There were oil lamps all along the cave walls, some poor bastard had to actively maintain those! No one ever answers that question! No they all want to moan about ancient evils, or horrible things going on. I just want to know the stupid logistics of these things!

We were escorted in the dark by Boyle and a group of soldiers, which kind of made little sense, why send us down here to kill something if you send some of your own people along? Why not send them and have us executed? Wait that second part sucks, nevermind. I figured the trap was apparent because the soldiers all had their faces obscured in masks, never a good sign (I mean sure it's great for combat, but what about making those of us who are facing execution feel better? Yeah it sucks for that). Also there was the fact Valrym and I were unarmed, and walking out front like sacrifices and I figured I was boned so badly I might have been lord boners of the boned town delegation.

"That's far enough baldy." The voice growled from the darkness and the soldiers I was with readied their rifles.

"Oh great I kept wondering how things could get worse, and they just did." Valrym was unusually downbeat, the voice didn't sound that awful to me, then again I wasn't related to it as he was. But that is a tale for tomorrow, today I'm engaged in a protracted legal scuffle about my gutters with my neighbor, no there will not be an entry about this (most likely I have no idea maybe?) all I know is that apparently dripping rain can be very annoying, who knew?

The Not So Fabulous Mr. Boyle

"Trezlan Lorentino you are to be hung until dead do you understand that?" Hanging is so boring as a method of execution, I prefer something with more flare like I dunno death by letting someone live as long as they choose, most of our cursed with that one! The man in front of me was named Boyle, he was shaved bald and had a weird rune inscribed into his scalp. I couldn't read it since he didn't show it to me for long, but if I had to hazard a guess it was anti magic. We were sitting in a room with two chairs, I was shackled, Boyle was not.

"Nope you lost me." This was all my own fault really, should have left Val to his own devices. But no I had to make my presence known and then get in trouble with the very anti magic Guard despite me being their dumb savior multiple times at this point.

"You know Mr. Lorentino this is what I think the world will miss the most about you, your wit." His sarcasm was of course cutting.

"I'm not going anywhere baldy, you'll see I'll get out of this, I always do." He smiled, he was wearing a neat suit, all custom tailored no lines showing, very expensive.

"I'm quite sure you won't. First we'll have the show trial, I'm sure you'll be an idiot and scream about persecution. Then we'll move to your execution, public of course, the plan is to tie a rope around your neck and use a horse to pull you up, it will not be a quick death for sure." Particularly ugly for strangulation if I do say so myself. Its what scares me about people in charge, when they put their minds to it, they can come up with nasty stuff.

"A trial? Perfect, I'll prove my innocence and you'll all be thanking me."

"There is of course another way to excape the noose Mr. Lorentino." His eyes were kind of dull, I noticed that earlier he was of dull intelligence, the kind of witless worm giving instruction by his betters with no actual intelligence of his own. Which had me wondering who pulled his strings.

"Oh I like this, now is the time you offer me a deal for some despicable act I'll readily agree to, and then after I succeed you double cross me and I'll kill you all." It was my go to when dealing with authorities.

Boyle smiled, "Oh Mr. Lorentino you are such a treasure." And he left. Which I'll admit left me wondering what he was going to say before I spoke. A thought I frequently have I must admit.

Trezlan Lorentino Esquire The Third

"I'm here to see my client Valrym." I was spiffed up, nice suit, styled my beard, even took two seperate baths!

"Name?" The clerk sitting behind the desk was short, wore a bear of thick spectacles and sounded bored as all get out, behind him were a bunch of ugly burly guards, and behind them a row of cells filled with the waste products of society.

"Trezlan Lorentino Esquire, the third!" The third I thought was the best touch.

"The third normally comes before the esquire."

"Nonesense, clearly you sir are no esquire." What does esquire mean? Who cares! The clerk shook his head, made a not in his book and then pointed to a guard who took me back to a lone cell in it sat the most depressed Valrym I've ever seen. Clearly his prison stay had taken a toll on him, I mean it had been a few days but you couldn't tell that from his clothes and general look, he looked like he'd been there for years.

"Of course it would be you." It was not my favorite way of being greeted, but it is the normal way.

"Valrym I'm here to get you out of your legal trouble, trust me we can beat this."

"Trezlan even ignoring you are terrible at anything legal considering how many years you've spent in prison, I'm not in legal trouble, they know what I am, and they want to destroy me." That did not occur to me that the Guard would simply want to remove Valrym instead of just lock him up.

"Well that certainly will not do Valrym, I need you, your tavern is one of the few places I'm not thrown out of on sight."

"You know what, fine, help me Trezlan, you literally can not make this any worse." And so I left to try and solve this whole issue myself! I returned a few hours later shackled up.

"Now I'm to be destroyed as well." I admit this was not completely an unforseen consequence.

"Well at least you found a way to make this worse for me Trezlan congratulations." Honestly Valrym is such a drama queen! I mean I didn't make the situation worse myself, that would come later, completely seperate from what I'd done!

A Subject I'm Well Versed In

Valrym was missing. I figured at first he had just left me alone in his tavern because he needed time without me, then when a whole day went by and people showed up expecting to be fed and got nothing, I was more than a little worried. Worried enough of course to wait another day before looking for him (ok so worried is a bit of a stretch, more like mildly annoyed). I was no longer sick, though to be fair I hadn't really been sick for a week at that point, I'm a dick I've admitted this. My first stop was to check in with Therod who was back at work despite still clearly being under the weather.

"Arrested." She punctuated her one word reply with a cough, this became the norm for the conversation.

"By who?"

"The guard authority naturally."

"But not you?"

"I was sick, still am, but work needs doing even if I can't really move beyond the desk, you need to pay your property taxes by the way." Naturally it always came back to money with the captain, well money, murder, potential crimes, look our relationship was fairly adversarial.

"Well then where is he if he was arrested?" Seemed like a logical question.

"First train running back to the capitol."

"What was the charge even?"

"Unauthorized magical usage, Trezlan the people who took him don't tell me much, so if you could do me a favor and leave my office I'd be very grateful."

"Grateful enough to give me a pass on my property taxes?"

"No, but I won't kill you."

"Fair enough." I left, stupid Valrym winding up in the justice system, doesn't he know how to avoid that like I do so well (so so well its why I've been in prison more than anyone else ever). At least he had a true master of the legal system on his side! Me, I'm talking about me!

Hate Is Like a Fine Wine, Of Hate

"I hate you so much right now Lorentino, so much." I was sick, I had been vomiting and unable to stay standing for longer than a few minutes. Others seemed to have moved past the cold illness, I was knee deep in it. Thankfully Valrym had offered to take care of me, and by offered I mean I collapsed outside of his tavern and he was too nice to just leave me to freeze to death in the cold (though I'm sure the thought and several like it crossed his mind).

"Valrym these pillows are too hard I can't sleep and get better if they are so hard." I'll also admit I was being more of a dick once I knew he was not going to throw me outside, because well I'm a dick.

"Lorentino if you think the pillows are too hard you could always go home and never come back." I was sleeping in his bed, he'd taken to the floor like a good little servant. Still the pillows were damn hard, I mean he was some kind of earthen godling or whatever, but they still offered zero support!

"I'm getting the feeling you don't want me here Val."

"I don't want you here Trezlan, I want you anywhere else bothering entirely new people."

"That's so rude to say to your one true friend Val, I saved your life!"

"And for that I'm forever damned with you Lorentino." I tell you people are never thankful you saved their life, ungrateful little urchins! They should be happy that I saved them even if I had to use dark blood magic to do it! I will admit I was feeling a bit better, but I didn't want Valrym to know that. It was intriguing to see behind the scenes as it were to what he did all day (cook, clean, bitch) it was like my own little show. I mean sure it was boring, but at the very least I didn't have to do anything so I totally milked that for all it was worth. Alas my time as an invalid was drawing to a close even though it did not appear so at the time. Fate has a way of taking away anything I am enjoying just as I was really starting to like it!

Time for Plan C

"You are not seriously going to do this are you?" Valrym was outside in a delightful fur coat, I say delightful because it was hilarious looking and thats all that matters to me. I was currently working on a spell that would sacrifice half the city and use that life force to destroy the cold for at least a couple months. In theory anyway.

"You say that like this is a bad idea."

"It is a very bad idea." I didn't even know if it would work mind you, but I was tired of being cold and if the deaths of thousands solved that, win win, for me at least you know, less idiots on the streets right?

"You say that about all of my ideas Valrym, this one will work I know this because its never been attempted before there in it has to work!" Flawless logic.

"Trezlan you can't sacrifice an entire town..."

"Half a town, and only the worst half, shorties, stupid people, people who step on the back of your shoe because they are clumsy oafs! Killing them to unfreeze the rest of us is best for society!"

"Half a town, whatever Trezlan this plan is stupid if you insist on going through with it I'll stop you myself." He readied some kind of hammer that looked unpleasant. Now I knew I could probably kill Valrym under normal circumstances, but drawing all the sigils and working the magic in the absurdly low temperatures had sapped me of my strength.

"You want this ugly weather? You want all this suffering? I can stop all of it!"

"No you can't Trezlan, you'll only add to it and thats not a solution." It was all the solution my life ever gave me! But as bad as it was Valrym was right, I couldn't stop the cold most likely (I say most likely I still believe it was possible.)

"Oh all right you win, I'll not sacrifice half the town." Crisis averted I went back inside, I didn't want to admit it, but I too had come down with the malady affecting the town. And thats when I knew Valrym was in on the plot! Or that's what my crazy flu ridden mind thought was going on. I mean lets be honest even on my best days I'm not that coherent in belief!

Escape Plan Foiled

The cold foiled my escape. Not just because it was so damn cold that no trains were running and all the water was frozen, though that factored in. No apparently it was too cold for even freaking horses or any kind of pack animal to be let out of their stables! I OWNED THE HORSE YOU JERKS I'LL TAKE THE DAMNED RISK! But no, no the stable boy between coughing fits that resulted in blood shooting out of his nose told me he would not let me take my OWN FREAKING HORSE out for a ride because it wouldn't make it that far. RIDICULOUS!

Foiled and angry I returned to my shop which was drafty, Nidget wasn't there, he was too sick to work as he informed me on his note. Not that it really mattered since everyone was either sick or huddled around a fire so business was not exactly booming. As a plus no one had come to collect my property taxes either (not that I was above paying them mind you, just the envelope with money was still sitting where I'd left it). I stewed in my shop for a bit, I wasn't feeling sick, and my attempt to flee had been foiled, so I decided to delve into all of my books, journals, writings, etc, looking for something, anything that could defeat the cold. And all of that time was completely wasted. Literally a few days of searching through bad handwriting and crumbling bindings came up with exactly nothing to stop the weather.

I swear its like magical people run into one thing that is seen as "natural" and they just let it go. NEVER LET IT GO YOU DAMNED FOOLS! Spurred on by this seeming lack of creativity to stop a menace I got to work immeadiately on coming up with a new plan to stop the weather. This time it was going to involve a lot more than just throwing fire to the sky and hoping (my previous plan). As is the case in my entire life things did not go exactly as I had planned, not exactly at all.

Cold Not Easily Defeated

"You are such an idiot." I stumbled back into the tavern, everything about me felt cold, even my body hair. I had spent the better part of an hour trying to burn the weather away, I had failed spectacularly.

"IIIIIII wwaaaassssss succccccesssssssfullllll innnnnn detttttterrrrrrrrmining vvvveeeerrrrrry cooooooollld outsiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiideeeeee." My teeth chattered and I could harly think straight, I went straight for the main fireplace and laid down outside of it. Valrym shook his head and went to fix me up something warm, he may not have liked me, but he didn't neccessarily want me to die right in front of him. Therod looked worse than I did and she hadn't spent any time outside. I noticed the rest of the people in the tavern looke equally awful, well I noticed this a couple hours later when my teeth stopped chattering and my skin returned to its normal brown not the blue it had become. Valrym wasn't affected nor did I feel ill (though mental illness is of course always in question). So something was clearly going on.

"Trezlan I really wish you'd fix your shops heat so you could leave me and my customers in peace."

"Val that hurts, but on a more serious note, what's going on here?" He cocked his head at me.

"People are staying here to avoid the cold, why what do you think is going on here?"

"Everyone looks like they are super ill Val, can't you hear the chorus of coughs?" He was about to probably yell at me when a huge coughacophony echoed around the room.

"You have a point, I wonder why I didn't see it sooner, everyone in this room is super sick. Must be the weather." He went back to making food for the ill and I went back to trying to decipher what was really going on. Clearly the cold had become a vector for the illness, but my futile attempts to destroy the cold had only left me more vulnerable for the illness. I knew what had to be done.

"I'm leaving!" I said as I gathered up my warmest clothing and Valrym looked on at me gratefully. I mean clearly the safest place for me to figure out the illness and cold was not of course right in the middle of it! I figured I'd head south, warm up, you know hope things blew over because when in doubt leave! Things usually work themselves out without you!

Ye Gods Its Cold

"Must be some kind of spell." I was huddled with other people at Valrym's bar, the entire town was in a cold snap. And by cold snap I mean everything was iced up, there were huge drifts of snow in the streets and even Captain Therod a stalwart of  "You guys are acting like small children" was huddled into Valrym's bar. She claimed she had gotten a cold and it was not going away, but we all knew she just didn't want to be out in the snow. Its not like anyone was committing crimes anyway, other than public burning bans.

"Trezlan I know that's your go to complaint, but no its not a damned spell its the weather." Valrym at least was enjoying all his new found customers. I tried to tough it out in my shop, but apparently I have some drafty issues there because it was cold morning noon and night despite all of my attempts to the contrary.

"Weather shouldn't be this damned cold Val, even Therod is suffering."

"Don't drag me into your madness Trezlan." Therod puncutated her statement by coughing several times.

"Trezlan I know what you're thinking, rethink it, you can not defeat the weather."

"Lies Valrym I can defeat anything!" And with that I tossed off my cloak and set out in the snow to defeat the cold weather. I figured if anyone could do it a man who can conjure fire would be that man. Also I had like six beers and this seemed like a good idea, even though I shed warmer clothing before going out in the cold, so good idea is as always relative.

The Only True Cure Is No Cure

There are always awkward moments after something horrific passes. Those times you aren't exactly sure things are done so you just stand around looking like a moron to make sure nothing else comes you way. That's what happened to me and Mordere post Morley leaving. We just stood there. I mean of course I finally was able to undue the bad magic being worked on Mordere's child, but outside of that nothing. We kind of just stood around looking at each other, looking at the walls (its amazing how many things you can count when staring at a piece of wood paneling).

"He'll be back won't he?" Mordere sounded almost human, I guess caring for a child can soften up even the hardest killers.

"For you? Probably not, for me? Yeah I'll see him again, and again, and again. He didn't care about you so much as knew that you were an avenue to get to me." Morley does a lot of things, caring about the Followers of Fire is not something he'd even think about.

"Is there anything I can do to prevent his kind of magic?"

"Nope necromancy is a bastard like that, blood magic works on just about anything." I've proven that several times already, "Only thing I could think of would be etching into your bones a spell to replinish your life with every life taken, but I don't think anyone would be that crazy especially to do it to a child." Thank the gods Mordere was not that crazy, still the bone etching thing is something I've rolled around in my head before, the major issue of course is when you can see your own bones things have gone horribly wrong and you aren't thinking about etching them with spells. You could try a tattoo or something similar but that can be defeated by other means and its more obvious, bone etching would be damn near undetectable and impossible to get rid of outside of pulling the bones out.

"Thank you for your efforts Lorentino." It was stunning to hear that from Mordere, I was massively perplexed. So I left. Got to go out on top is what I always say! And by on top I mean after bluffing my way past my mortal enemy and allowing him to escape unscathed after causing misery to a small child. You have to redefine top to what fits best!

Morley You Are An Ass

"And now the real asshole emerges." I'll admit I'm not exactly Mr. Civility with my sworn enemy of the centuries.

"You've been here the whole time Trezlan."

"You've here the whole time."

"That doesn't even make sense."

"Doesn't it?"

"Would you both just shut up before I shoot you and find someone else to clear up this necromancy." Mordere ever the mediator. Still I stand behind my assertion Morley is an Asshole, to be perfectly honest I've probably made him sound even nicer than he is in reality. Because in reality he's an asshole of assholes.

"Yes Trezlan do be quiet before I kill the both of you." Mordere fired once, the bullet hit something in front of Morley and shattered. Whatever magic was protecting Morley, it could take a direct hit from a god's own weapon, that was something very strong.

"What in the madness?" Mordere was surprised as well, I could almost see fear in his one functioning eye.

"Mr. Mordere you may be a lot of things, unpredictable is not one of them, now stand aside and let me kill my enemy and then I'll kill you." It was nice to be thought of as Morley's enemy if only because it meant he cared.

"Morley I wouldn't take a step forward if I were you."

"Oh some weak hack of a spell your going to launch at me Trezlan?"

"Launch? No I'm not going to launch anything, what is standing between you, me, and Mordere is a fairly potent blood shield. I used the death of your little assistant here to enact it, so you may have blocked Mordere's shot, but my spell will block your everything." He looked at me with contempt, then again he started that way so maybe I should say, he kept looking at me with contempt.

"You're bluffing."

"Do you really want to test my ability with the memories of our dearly dead master floating around up here? I've got several nasty little spells I'd love to lash you with." I did have a couple I wanted to unleash on him, but seeing as he caught me with my figurative magical pants down, I had to make due with what I had.

"Mr. Mordere you are lucky today, though you weren't my target of course, if you come after me Trezlan's petty bullshit will not be standing between us and you will die. Trezlan please fall on something rusty soon, I tire of you being around out there giving me a bad name." Morley left, I of course did not presume he left so I waited with Mordere in absolute silence for about half a day.

"You were bluffing weren't you?"

"Good gods yes, I don't have a shield spell that could block a cold."

Awkward Necromancers are Awkward

"You're Wrong." We both said it at the same time, though I'll admit his tone was a little more forceful than mine (such is the power of being a super murderer well super murdererer I mean I've killed more people than he has but his candle is burning brighter).

"Trezlan this old man confessed!" I'll admit I didn't have a confession from my mousy assistant yet, but I wasn't running around shoving my pistol in peoples face!

"And he had no access to keep defeating my magical stuff like this mousey girl who I have trapped in a blood magic prison." She attempted to move and looked at me with rising hatred. I'll admit I had hoped to be a little bit better with my dramatic movement than just saying it, "Sweety I don't have to tell you this, but don't even think of stepping out of your cage or it'll fry you six ways from sunday."

"I'm the real necromancer." Both the girl and the oldman spoke at the same time (a lot of that going around).

"Awkward." I had to say something to cover up the silence that had fallen over the room.

"Your damned crusades against magic has brought this on your Mordere, the girl will die." The old man's voice was full of venom.

"You killed my entire family Mordere the least I can do is destroy yours!" The mousy girl also spoke with ferocity.

"You sure know how to piss people off Valerind." He responded by shooting the old man through the head, it was an interesting conversation ender. He took aim at the mousy girl but I held up my hand. "You can't shoot her the prison goes both ways."

"Break the spell, this witch deserves her medicine." I'll admit I didn't exactly know if the prison would block the bullet, especially the kind of bullet the Hand of the Fire God fired, but I didn't exactly want that tested with me in the room.

"After she tells me how to undue the spell." I just let it go of course that the little girl was somehow connected to Mordere it was not the most pressing concern at the moment.

"With her dead you can defeat it Trezlan she will not help you."

"I WOULD RATHER DIE THAN HELP YOU!"

"Sweety think of where you are and who I am, dying was your only option at this point, the question is how you die." Blood prisons can get pretty ugly, this one was no different. To highlight my point I brought the size of the prison down some, it burned her flesh and she howled in pain and then cowered. "See you assume that Mordere shooting you is the way you'll go, I've been at this a lot longer than you have, you want to be crushed to death or burned alive? break the spell."

She surprised me by lunging throught the prison; which lead to her being skinned/burned alive. It was horrific and terrifying. Also really frustrating because I wanted her to break the damn spell. Mordere shrugged at me.

"Well now you should be able to break the spell." I was about to comment when I heard clapping behind Mordere.

"Well you would if you could ever defeat me Trezlan." It was Morley, because of course it was Morley, who else could have taught two insane necromancers? Well except for me of course and I have standards. Sort of. You know what read the next entry!

The Last First Person You'd Expect

I continued my work of trying to defeat the necromantic magic. Mordere sought out the necromancer. His methods left a lot to be desired, like leniency, proof of being guilty, or even I dunno basic tact.  Basically he went around shoving his pistol in peoples faces and demanding they pledge loyalty to the Fire God. I was actually worried at some point he'd stick his pistol in my face despite me not arriving at the sick child's room well past when she was sick. Through it all my assistant a mousy woman who spoke nervously was a trooper. We'd see Mordere moving swiftly to and fro screaming at people and then moving on somewhere else. And she just kept helping me try each weird combination of thing after thing, and that's when it hit me who the necromancer was.

I mean it ws right in front of my face the whole time. The only person who could keep defeating my efforts was the one aiding them. Swear to gods I'm the worst observer of people in the world. It should have struck me odd the assistant never left, nor hardly spoke. Those are totally things guilty people do (aside from me who does that kind of thing all the time, well except for the hardly speaking part, and the never leaving, ok nevermind screw you you win journal!). I had to keep my cool though, the lady was quite good at being a necromancer and she'd been in close proximity to me the whole time. So she could have set me up the entire time and I was completely unaware of it.

Which lead to my plan of counter magicing her by pretending to try and help the sick girl. It was practically genius if I don't say so myself. I wish I'd thought of it sooner but again I'm terrible at observing people and should have known the assistant was the necromancer. So over the course of an hour using all kind of subterfuge like "hand me that one, but not that other one" I had delightfully laid my trap for the necromancer, at which point Mordere burst into the room with an old man held at gun point.

"I have found the necromancer!" He declared, the old man look like he'd had a very bad morning.

"Preposterous I found the necromancer!" And then things got awkward.

Honesty With a Bullet

An entire day had gone by with me using every remedy, magical side step, and just flat out complete bullshit I could think of. Nothing worked. Like ordinarily I would have easily kicked the necro magic's ass. I would have had it over and done with and been on with my life. But no, not this garbage, whatever the guy had done he had done it well, it also seemed to mutate as I went. Like every time I thought I had it beat, the damned thing would be back strong as ever. I was standing outside of the young girls room on her balcony, if I had a cigar, a pipe or even a rolled cigarette I'd have been smoking it. Most of the rest of the high muckity mucks of the followers had left, it was down to me, Mordere, and the attendant who kept up with my ever increasingly weird ideas.

"You can't cure her can you?" Mordere joined me, he looked as drained as I felt, though he had spent the last couple days riding all over to acquire my ingredients of failure.

"Do you want the honest answer or the one that would keep me from being shot?"

"I have never shot someone for being honest, wait no thats not true I shot a guy because he told me who he was."

"Not really giving me a good reason to be honest."

"Trezlan I will not shoot you, I'm good for my word." I gave him a long look, but I knew I couldn't keep up the charade forever, a long time yes, forever? No.

"I'm trying everything I know and it's still kicking my ass, I'm even going back to extremely unpleasant memories and they aren't helping either. This magic is very strong, but something is pushing back in there." Mordere nodded his eyes almost seeing through me.

"So you're saying someone is working against us within the church." It was not a statement I'd make lightly especially to the man asking the question.

"Has to be, there is no other answer to this, no way could it keep beating me unless someone was helping it along."

"Well then time to go snake hunting." At that exact moment I felt sorry for my necromancer opponent, whatever he was, he would really struggle to keep up with a true master of murder that is Valerind Mordere, but it turned out, well you'll have to read the next entry of course!

No One Ever Wants My Appraisal Services

"Necromancy."

"Are you sure?"

"Pretty sure." No one ever asks for my opinion on any number of useful skills I have. Did you know I'm a fantastic wine taster? I am, I can discern the flavor and vintage of any wine that passed by my lips. Also with all my years on this world I can appraise real from fake antiques no issue. On top of those wonderfully useful skills I'm a damn fine business negotiator and I'm a dance innovator! But no, no one ever wants those abilities. It's always for necromancy, when someone absolutely needs my top skills, its always the ones I'm not that proud of.

The person currently afflicted by necromancy was a small child. She was in pain, but not dead, which was weird for Necromancy but not unheard of. Modere is lucky I have such a great memory, or I would have had to return to my shop to get one of my several volumes of work I'd written on the nature of magic, but thankfully for him I remember just about everything I write (more or less except journal entries as my continuity, spelling, and geography can attest to). It was a bit odd the child was not killed outright by the necromancy, but this wasn't a simple soul tap. Someone had linked themself to the girl to make her suffer, one could suggest the suffering was the intent.

"Can you fix it?" People assume that like all magic you can simply counter and destroy bad magic with good magic. Its not true at all, its a bit like asking one seamstress to sew the exact same way a previous one had done, only in this case the seam is someones life, and the sewing a dangerous magical spell that could just as easily kill me as the girl or everyone else in the room.

"Potentially." That was mostly a lie, but seeing as I was with a sin, the members of his higher order and the girl was apparently some big mucky mucks something or other, telling them I couldn't help the young child would get me dumped in a ditch somewhere.

"What would you need?" Mordere spoke for them, it was strange for someone I thought of as being a loner being linked with this group, but horrific things make for strange bed fellows I guess.

"Its going to be a rather long list." And it was, and I'll get into that tommorrow, but just know that thankfully someone else wrote that list because my hand writing as you can attest to is awful beyond words.

There Done, Now Can you Help Me?

There are certain things with this world I'll never understand. Why shorties are allowed to live, how and why certain aspects of our life become gods while others become annoyances, and how in the living madness Valerind Mordere was able to call his pistol to his hand. The last one of course being the one that is most relevant to this entry (though the middle one can always become relevant). Allow me to paint the scene.

We were chained up, I was still sort of paralysed and thus leary of using my magic, the snot creature was still making its digusting noises, and Mordere had his eyes clothes and was chanting some weird prayer to the fire god. And then all of a sudden his pistol flew into his hand he shot the chain holding his foot, the snot creature turned to spit its venom on him again (venom not poison, because class it came from a creature), and he put three bullets into its face/mouth/facemouth? while he was standing up. It was quite amazing if only completely confusing. Mordere has no magic, I know this, he's kind of an anti magic kind of guy. And yet he called a pistol to his hand completely through the power of prayer? It was more than a little bit confusing.

"How did you, what did you? Are you?" Mordere undid the chain to my foot and I came colliding into the ground a lot less graceful than he was.

"The Fire God provides, now Mr. Lorentino we must be going." And away we went, I swear to whatever gods I believe in my life is just moments between dicks needing my help.

Everyone Asigns Fault Like It Matters

"This is all your fault you realize that right." We were hanging up side down by chains. Mordere had been stripped of his firearms, I still had my magic, but was dealing with paralysis in parts of my body which had me cautious to use it.

"I fail to see how this is my fault." We'd been dragged under my shop by the snot creature (seriously it looked like a lump of snot with teeth, where its eyes were, were beyond me). I could see from discarded corpses around it had been feeding on them, which made its request for pastries all the weirder.

"You couldn't see past an allusion to know this creature was nearby and attempting to get you to feed it, now we are about to be eaten by it."

"Well sure when you say it like that it seems I might possibly bear fault for this." There was a large bonfire in the middle which I assumed was to cook us. It did explain why my shop always smelled like smoke, I just assumed Nidget had taken up smoking a lot while I was gone. I make a lot of dumb assumptions.

"Well don't keep me waiting magic us out of this."

"I can't like wag a finger and solve our problems Mordere, magic doesn't work like that." Ordinarily, I mean magic has worked like that for some people, I am not one of those people.

"Trezlan I'm pretyt sure he intends on eating us."

"I'm pretty sure if you keep talking it has ears and can hear us." Mordere looked at me with scorn, such scorn! I tell you for someone who has one dead eye he can stare through you with the ferocity of two. After giving me a proper eyeball hating moment Mordere started to go into a trance. Which left me to just stare at the booger as it continued to work on something. I mean its back was to us, I have no idea what it was doing, but the sounds alone were giving me cause for alarm I don't mind telling you. Thankfully I was a few minutes away from Mordere saving us both, unthankfully I was a few minutes away from Mordere forcing me to do something I didn't want to do.

Can't Talk Right Now Pastries

"But why the damned pastries, it doesn't make sense, why would he need or want pastries but not actually get them? Perhaps a sign from the gods, my life is to make baked goods? I mean I can conjure fire, perhaps, perhaps I am the one true baker god." I was mumbling to myself, the man had come and gone several times, and each time I felt he was breaking my brain. The pastries question consumed me. I had no idea it was so easy to break my brain, but this man had accomplished it like a brain breaking master.

"Trezlan."

"I can barely create food thats edible, but I've never tried baking, maybe its a latent talent?"

"Trezlan." I could barely hear the voice of the person at the counter, I half expected it to be pastry man, but he never called me by name, just showed up and started demanding I serve pastries.

"Too busy, must solve this issue, go away someone else will help you." I hadn't looked up, if I had I might have been a bit more concerned with who I just told to go away.

"Trezlan Lorentino you did not just tell me you are too busy to help me." I lifted my head up and saw it was none other than the master of death himself Valerind Mordere. He looked a little worse for wear than he normally did, but still just as deadly as ever.

"I can't Mordere, I'm sorry, but the pastries!"

"You've been babbling about pastries since I arrived, what the madness is wrong with you?" He almost sounded concerned if there was such an emotion he could ever feel.

"There's a guy, he only visits me, he only ever comes here, and he wants pastries, HE WANTS PASTRIES MORDERE!" I'll admit saying it out loud and now writing it down this sounds pretty bat shit crazy. Even for me.

"Trezlan I swear to the fire god herself the one time I need your idiotic help and you are crazier than normal." It was more of a curse to himself than a statment toward me, but it was nice he admitted he needed me.

"THERE HE IS!" The pastry man arrived, though he looked different than before. Mordere turned around and then back to me.

"Trezlan there is no one there?"

"He's right behind you Mordere!" Mordere turned around again and saw nothing, he didn't register the pasty man at all. The pastry man also seemed to not regard Mordere at all.

"I still don't see anything."

"Curse your one eyed idiocy! He's right there!" Pastry man was surpingly quiet, like he normally would have started talking by this point. I was about to comment on that when a rumble emerged from behind me, suddenly a gigantic creature emerged, it sprayed me and Mordere with some kind of fluid that paralyzed us and then drug us back to its lair. He couldnt' talk, but I was just positive Mordere was saying he told me so. I CAN TELL BY THE STARE!

Stop Talking, Stop Talking Forever

"Pastries!"

"Pastries?'

"Pastries."

"No." The man in front of me was not a chef, nor was he a baker, nor was he someone who I often had spoken with, nor was he someone I cared to speak with ever again. He was an annoying customer, the kind that never buys anything yet takes up most of my time (so basically the customer version of myself). He was trying to tell me I needed to sell food, because firearms and sticky baked treats always works out fantastically. I was really at a loss as to why he thought I personally needed to sell pastries, especially since within sight range of my store was at least two seperate places to buy food.

"You're not even listening to what I'm saying."

"You're completely right, I am not listening at all." People always get this shocked look on their face when I'm honest with them, which is confusing to me, they want honesty, and yet are surprised to get it. Proving once and for all no one wants what they want. He got a nasty look on his face and left. I smiled, my smile would vanish when he returned three more freaking times! I swear to god this man and his stupid want of pastries in every place he shopped was going to drive me crazy.

I half expected him to be Therod or Valrym messing with me, but no neither one had ever heard of him, nor did they know why he wanted pastries! I checked with local bakers, who also claimed he had never visited them either. So this little jerk was just coming to me to get me to sell pastries and yet he never actively sought out the people who actually make the damn things! When this came to my attention I was so angry! So angry I wasn't at least clued in something was probably not right with pastry guy.

Look don't look at me like that, I just sank a pirate ship on my vacation, I WAS A BIT BEHIND!

Vacation's Over Time to Pretend to Work

"So I sunk a pirate ship, booked passage on that merchant vessel and I returned home."

"Trezlan do you ever, ever consider I don't want to hear what you claim you did when you aren't here?"

"No Val, because that would imply I care what you think."

"You're such a dick, I'd ban you for life, but you'd probably kill yourself, somehow get resurrected and then claim since you died I'd have to let you back in."

"Nonsense I'd just ignore you'd banned me and you'd forget after a hundred years or so."

"Hate you so much Lorentino." Valrym just loves me. I swear he claims to hate my stories yet he always asks me about them. I mean I don't include those parts because obviously I am a modest man, but know that every time I return he raptly sits at his end of the bar and demands I tell him about my travels. Swear to whatever gods you believe in that is absolutely true. I was happy I was away for all the rebuilding things going on in town, because I guess they had a real bad issue with vermin I missed out on. Therod also staged four separate public executions of traitors which was really depressing (I knew three of those people, they were kind of dicks).

My shop was in good order. Nidget had returned to working and gave me all the orders for stuff people wanted (seriously people asked me all the time to get new stuff in, I continued to tell them I sell what I sell stop acting like I care, the request kept coming). Upon my return he told me he was going on vacation and I waved him off, because to me that little bastard is always on vacation (ignore that he works more often than I do, ok done). So things were back to the way they should be and my vacations were all done for the time being.

And for the next two hundred years nothing ever changed... Just kidding, two freaking days later something stupid happened. Swear to gods.

Mission Successful, Can I Go Home?

Floating on a plank amidst the ruins of my victory I started to think if perhaps I did the right thing? Like instead of sinking the pirates I should have come up with a way to improve their lot in life so as to keep them away from piracy. I could have taught them all valuable skills and they could have ushered in a new era of specialty product production on their tiny crappy island Nah just kidding I was completely happy with myself and just wish I'd thought of a better way of getting away. I mean you've read the other entries right? At what point do I do anything that doesn't directly benefit myself? EXACTLY!

Still the floating was obnoxious, I mean looking back I got picked up in a couple days (merchant vessel, I did at least position myself in a ship lane, so in a way I did have an escape plan). I created entirely new games to play based on how particular bits of junk floating in the ocean. No I won't bore you with what they involved, just know yes you can lose in your own made up game and complain to yourself about the rules that you yourself created.

As far as young Rowan she actually became one of the most fearsome pirates the world has ever seen. Yes apparently the island really needed the pirates and not so much the fish. So Rowan like a true Lorentino (though not identifying herself as such) filled the vacancy in the market place. Of course because piracy is still a male dominated field she had to pretend to be a man (a tragedy for all equality in the world let me tell you), she actually took my name and went by Trezlan the Red. I'd like to think it was because of how I freed her from the shackles of being a fisherman, but I know it was probably more an insult directed at me that just stuck. It did cause me issues though, I was arrested four times accused of piracy! Never convicted, but still it was an inconvenience!

I did have to laugh that in the lore of Trezlan the Red, I am listed as the hired gun she brought in to sink her rival pirates (legends never get timelines right, so of course in the legend Rowan was a pirate long before she actually became one). So now you know the rest of the story, mostly, I'm skipping a lot of really awful things, kidding! Maybe.

Didn't Exactly Think That Far Ahead

I was on a boat loaded with explosives waiting for the pirates to pull up along side it. This was in my own opinion a brilliant plan. Where as trying to just burn their ship would probably be successful, it would not be anywhere near as fun. The ship itself was pretty garbage, I mean I wanted to blow up a pirate ship, but I didn't want to spend a lot of money (the black powder alone was quite the expense!) so the sails barely could carry the wind, the rudder couldn't keep the ship straight and I had no crew. Honestly I was surprised the pirates wanted to board my ship to begin with, but I guess the prospect of hitting an easy target was too much for simple minded moron pirates. I mean I did put out false info I was a cheap merchant hauling back a bunch of goods on the cheapest boat possible without guards. I only hoped I hadn't put it on too thick.

And I hadn't, the pirates had fired a shot to get me to stop (something I was all too happy to do because it meant I could stop fighting with the damn ship to actually go where I wanted it to). They were terrible pirates though, the "warning" shot they fired almost went right into my hull which would have sunk the damn ship (if not blown it up), they also seemed to have trouble steering their ship entirely it took them three passes to even get it lined up to board. Their boarding ropes were equally a horrible affair as they missed over and over again until I actually had to help them land and hook me in. They were the worst pirates I'd ever heard of.

"YOU?!" The tone was accusatory by the fat pirate who waddled over the gang plank to pillage my ship.

"Me." And then I lept overboard tossing a gout of flame as I went. It exploded the ship and took the pirate ship with it. The explosion tossed me like a child throws a rock. I hit the water hard and barely managed to stay concious. And I so wanted to be there for watching the pirate ship burn in the afternoon sun. It was only while I was trying to stay afloat in the middle of the ocean no other ship nearby I thought I had no way of getting back to port or an island. I had not at all thought that part through.

"Well Shit." Another fantastic Lorentino plan come to fruition.

But Seriously Pirates?

"I just don't understand the piracy thing." Rowan was still rowing. I guess I could have helped, but that would have been out of character for me and if I said I did it you wouldn't believe me anyway.

"What's to understand they overtake slower ships and get them to give over their cargo under the threat of violence."

"But they sail in a wooden ship, with sails! Most modern ships are steamers with iron hulls!" I mean I'm not a nautical expert despite sinking several ships over the years (counter to my expertise on gods, because lets face it, harder to kill a god then sink a ship!)

"Maybe where you're from they are steam ships, didn't you notice you took a sail boat to get to our island?"

"I did, I just thought that was me being cheap."

"Modern ships are a luxury down here, mostly because the waters are so shallow, most of thsoe modern ships are simply too big to fit down here."

"Ok Ok, I'll give you that, but seriously pirates?"

"Times got tough, fisherman had trouble paying the bills years ago and turned to robbing, the sad part is the fishing has recovered and makes way more money than the piracy." That was kind of sad in a man people are dicks why can't they just earn an honest living sort of way, the complete opposite of how I run my life.

"So you're saying I'll be doing the pirates a favor by sinking their ship?"

"No you won't you'll make my life worse, but apparently you don't care about that as much as you pretended to at the start."

"Nonesense, this will be good for you I promise." Promises are like lies only told with slightly less honesty. I'll admit I didn't know how it would be good for Rowan, but once you've set your mind to sinking a ship its hard to back out. At least that's what I told myself.

Rhyming Rescue

"You rowed to my rescue Rowan. hey that kind of rhymes." I had been on the island no more than a couple hours. Just enough time for me to start to wonder if I could boil the sea water into being regular water (though having no pot this would prove difficult).

"You're such a stupid stupid man, why did you upset the fisherman's guild?"

"They are pirates Rowan, they are sexist pirates."

"I know that you gods damned idiot, who do you think does all the fishing? I DO! Those idiots go out and loot and drink and I make sure the fishing gets taken care of."

"Why would you do that? Why continue to let them keep their lie up all the while they don't let you in their little club house?" I thought it absurd that the one person actually doing the fishing, was not a part of the fishermans guild.

"That's the way things have gone in this area oh grand Lorentino. See people like you show up cause shit and leave, while the rest of us just have to deal with situations as they are. This is a situation as was." The row boat was fairly small but Rowan managed to work it quite well, I was surprised at her strength, she didn't look that strong.

"Well I'm not going to just cause shit and leave! I plan on sinking those pirates! Piracy is very wrong, stealing from people is completely wrong."

"You rob people all the time, its one reason my family warned me should you ever come calling."

"But I am not a pirate! I rob the dead, completely different." She screamed in frustration, but she kept rowing. I had to make a plan for sinking a pirate ship. And by plan I mean "find it and set it on fire" you know a my usual.

I've Got To Learn To Ignore Curiosity

"So you're all pirates?" They had moved me from their headquarters to one of their ships, it felt kind of silly, but you know I went with it because I love to know things even when its dangerous to my health.

"Yes, now you know our big secret, which is a shame you'll have to die." We were sailing to an undisclosed location, I doubted it was to a surprise birthday party, but you never know!

"You don't have to kill me I can pirate with the best of them I'm an assett!" I was tied up, but it wasn't like magic rope, basically I was humoring the rotted teeth idiots.

"No we don't need someone like you on board."

"You're words sting my very soul." My pirate captor was a pot bellied snaggly toothed guy with multiple piercings, scars, and bad fashion sense. The pistol he held out was so old I think it was almost from when I was in my first lifetime!

"Shut your yap." I was below decks, the ship seemed to be in a lot of disrepair. Like I could see clearly several structural problems that would only get worse. So not only were they pirates, they were bad pirates.

"Fine don't let me tell you about treasure I know about." It was a dumb play, but you know me stupid plans are better than no plans! He ignored me and the ship sailed on. Eventually we arrived at a small island and they roughly removed me from their ship.

"Do you want a pistol with one bullet?"

"What good would that do me?"

"So you can end your life fast."

"Oh no thank you." They left me there, tied up watching as the ship sailed away. The island was fairly small, not a lot of trees or cover, probably no animals, clean water would be hard to come by, and not a lot of shade in what felt like a really overbearing sun. As the ship disappeared in the distance I thought maybe just maybe I shouldn't have let them sail me out to the middle of no where. You know what they say "Curisoity lead to dying of thirst on an island in the middle of no where." Yes they say that, look it up.

And So Sexism Was Defeated

"And honestly it makes no sense that a woman couldn't be a part of your fisherman guild, if they feel the need to throw their life away on a completely boring and disgusting profession you should let them! I mean you all aren't exactly lookers and fishing is not exactly difficult, that woman want to toss away any kind of normal life to join you should be seen as amazing, not scorned! I know you are probably all feeling very defensive right now, but if you look within yourselves you'll know that I'm speaking truth, and that my truth will shine a light into our world and other unions will also accept female members and you guys can be the start of a glorious gender revolution." The room was empty, none of the fisherman were in their little club house and I had a great speach all worked up and everything. I'd say they shouldn't leave their door wide open when they aren't there, but the truth was it was locked tight with three seperate locks and I entered through less than legal means. I thought perhaps they just were in a secret meeting I could interrupt and deliver my great speech. This was not the case at all. But again I had the speech already ready to go so I decided to at least test the accoustics of the room!

Since I had already committed one crime I figured why not check out the whole fisherman's guild to see any dirty details I could find out. I mean in for one crime why not commit all of them right? They didn't even lock up their paperwork or anything! I had membership lists, I had schedules, I had blatant admission of piracy. Wait what that last one? Yeah apparently there was a reason the fishermans guild kept women out. THEY WERE ALL DAMN PIRATES! You must imagine my surprise. It was made all the more surprising when a bunch of people with pistols arrived and stuck them in my face to say hello.

"Fellas I'm glad you're here we have to talk about discrimination!" Sadly they did not want to hear my speech on equal rights. Amazing right?

Trying To Help, Emphasis on Trying

"So you're Rowan's?"

"Relative of the older variety."

"Right." I was trying to help Rowan since she did not actively seek my help I went to her fisherman instead. I could see why she didn't want to date him, he was horrifically fat and from the look of it didn't catch much fish. Frankly I was shocked she managed to make a living with the old fatman. Especially with as much drink as he was pulling down.

"So you're in the fisherman circles, what can I do to help Rowan out, money is an object." Look I wanted to help a relative, I didn't want to put any money down on it, because I'm all about me and this was at best a vanity project disguising a vaction where I'm abdicating responsibility for being a responsible person.

"You're not from around here are you?"

"You are a master of observation sir." He had a name I didn't care to know it, nor write it down.

"Well the fisherman's guild has rules Mr. Lorentino, and Rowan doesn't meet the most of the requirements for joining, especially because she's a woman." I was shocked, shocked to find sexism a factor in the fisherman's guild. I mean if you can't trust a group of men who banded together to prevent others from taking over their jobs to not be excluding jerks, who can you trust?

"So you're saying I have to move up the chain take on the fisherman's guild?"

"That's not what I'm..."

"Well it wouldn't be the first time I broke up a boys club for the good of this world. Thank you sir I shall do my best."

"I didn't..." I left him in his half drunken stupor to reflect on all the good I've done and decided to try and find the head of this fisherman's guild, which wasn't very hard since they had a headquarters and structure and everything. That's why I prefer business over cults, even though they share a disturbing amount of similarities!

Ok Aside From All That What Have You Heard?

"I don't want to know you." I had tracked down one of my distant blood relatives, she was less than receptive to my advances.

"Everyone wants to know their family! I mean I killed my dad, see we're bonding!" I admit I kind of lack interpersonal skills when it comes to relating to normal people. My great whatever blood relation (seriously it was like six trees of weirdness and five different marriages, I don't even know if we were true blood relatives to be honest) lived in a simple shack, she was unmarried and worked as a fisherman's assistant (which I wasn't even aware was a thing people did, like how do you assist a fisherman? Wonders never cease). Her name was Rowan, and I swear for as average as she looked I thought she could do better in life, like at least marry the fisherman!

"Can you please leave?" She was the second family member I'd run into, the first tried to kill me with a shotgun and I figured that was the univeral sign for "leave me alone" Rowan instead just kept trying to ignore me, the universal sign for "Please help me out."

"No Rowan, I'm your family and family should stick up for each other!" I'll admit it had been some centuries since I'd had dealt with family my idea on what they should or should not do is a bit warped. I forced past her into her shack. She lead kind of a crappy life, no real books, no real comforts, just a small house with a fire place bed and dresser. Clearly she needed to move up in life.

"I know who you are, you're Trezlan Lorentino, the black mark on my blood line, murdered your dad, some how keep yourself alive through dark magicry, start wars, end others, and generally hurt everyone you come across! You are the person my father warned me about until his dying day!"

"Ok you've heard all the bad about me, but what about the good? I mean I'm fairly well off."

"I don't want your money, I don't want you, I want you out of my house!" She "threw" me out, more just kept pushing and I left because clearly I needed a new tact. At the very least she lived on a warm weather island, I was not done with her but figured I'd made my case and she'd come around. Besides I had to get my bearings on the island some and figure out exactly how I could go about helping young Rowan get a good man and live the good life. Not that I knew about either of those things, but I'm forever an optimist! Right of course I am.

Relatively Normal

"You are not Hanlon, I swear we've had this conversation before." I'd filled Val in on the comings and goings since I'd been gone, he was of course trying to rebuild his tavern and I was not helping because it wasn't my tavern (my shop had managed to come through unscathed from the shelling because I'm a god, and my shop is apparently in the one part of town no one cares enough to blow up).

"But what if I was Val? What if I'm some kind of weird split personality guy who has some how manifested a better more competent version of myself?" This hurt to admit to.

"Would this more intelligent version of you leave me alone when I'm busy?"

"I said more competent not intelligent, its impossible to be smarter than myself." Val harumphed and went back to nailing something to nailing in more floorboards.

"Don't you have family or something you could be bothering? Nidget, Therod anyone?"

"The family I didn't kill I have no real connection to."

"I'd say that's sad Trezlan but knowing you I'm sure you're proud of that."

"I am not proud of not really knowing the rest of my family, just mildly amused, I mean I've lived hundreds of years but my lasting impact is that I run a store in a city that seems to basically survive between calamities."

"That's pretty sad Trezlan, maybe you should try an connect with a family member, you know pretend you actually give a shit about the world, maybe you'll find out you do?"

"Well it couldn't hurt to take a vacation to warmer climates!"

"Right of course because if there's one thing you need its to do less work than you already do."

"Yes, yes, this exactly, thanks Val I'm going to book a passage today!"

"Fantastic, now just forget to come back and my life would be complete." I ignored Valrym and made my way back to my store, I had to look up some old geneology maps I'd plotted out years ago and try and find a living decedent of my family. I mean sure they wouldn't really be that connected to me as a Lorentino, but no one really ever is and thats no reason to hold it against them. Much.

As it turned out as it is in all of my pursuits in life, I arrived at exactly the right time to save somone from themselves, because I'm helpful like that. And I also got to sink a pirate ship, so that's always a plus!

You See What You Want To See

"So you're the true power in these lands?" Nidget had left me and Hanlon, because really he'd done all he was supposed to do, and I think he was terrified of Hanlon. Me? I was curious. So I decided to walk with Hanlon for a time, he offered saying I was in no condition to walk home alone, and I did not disagree.

"In a manner of speaking yes Trezlan, I'm a fire arm manufacturer, and firearms are the true power in the world now." It made sense, and I would have believed anyone else if they weren't Hanlon.

"Right of course and your magical army, the ability to absorb the ability of a god, and to then turn that god into ash with one shot, just because you make weapons." I know people think I'm stupid, I had no idea they think I'm that stupid!

"Planning and execution Trezlan. You think I appear out of nowhere, but that's more I have people following you and I know these lands better than you do. It's also how I can set up an army in advance of you deciding to stop for an evening and waiting for my pray to walk into it. And knowing it was Chaos I was dealing with to guard myself against his attack and have one of my own ready to kill him.  You choose to remain ignorant of the world around you because its easier for you to believe everyone else struggles with the basics like you do, its not the case, it will never be the case and I hope one day you clue into this."

"I don't believe anything you said."

"And that is why you'll never change, and why you'll continue to believe I'm a seperate person and not just you as you should be." And with that he was gone. And I'm pretty sure he was lying, I mean I don't own Hanlon firearms last I checked, nor did I somehow arrange big hits on gods. But that was Hanlon, obscure his real realities with fake lies. At least I hope that's whats going on, because I swear to whatever Gods I still believe in if I'm super extra crazy and half a split personality who's way more successful at things I'll be really sad.

The One True Lesson in Life

Bullets were flying everywhere, just the sound of rifle rapports and flesh exploding all around me. It was weird at one moment everything was quiet, and then the next absolutely chaos (which was hilarious considering who was doing all the dying). I ducked down and put my hands over my head. I mean it wouldn't actually save me or anything, but in moment of extreme terror turtling up like a moron is my standard go to. I couldn't see the aggressors but there had to have been hundreds perhaps thousands of them.  And just as soon as they had arrived the mysterious rifle clad assailants were gone and Chaos's chain legion were gone.

"And now you see the real god in this world." Hanlon had the smile of victory Chaos just sneered, his flesh vibrated and what semblance of normalcy was gone. He was an unhinged monster.

"You have not won Hanlon, Chaos will always be in this world, Order is the wrong state of being, Order is the unnatural part of this world. Chaos will always be here, and with it I have power." It sounded more like trying to talk himself into the belief rather than an actual belief. I should know I've done the same thing about several things in my life.

"Chaos will always be in the world this is true, but you are mistaken in that you will always be in it. You have stepped out of your role, you have become bigger than yourself and you could not shoulder the burden." Hanlon drew his pistol out and shot Chaos right in the head, the creature looked confused for a moment and then fell to the ground. The hole spread from his head and his whole body turned to black ash and then blew away in the wind.

"So you just killed the god of chaos?" Hanlon smiled.

"I had really hoped this would have just worked itself out normally, but no of course I had to get involved. There are times Trezlan I wonder how this world ever got along without me in it." And so ended the war of Chaos, the world hardly knew the danger they were in, like most things it was handeld by people who do those kind of things. It did make me wonder what Hanlon did when he wasn't swinging in give me an opportunity to almost get killed. But like most thought in that vein of things I felt it best to let it go.

Chaotic Jack Ass

The not so well dressed man was more unhinged. The suit was just tatters now, his body was a mishappen mass of skin, bone, and what appeared to be fragments of metal chain. He stood amongst his chain gang lovingly carressing one of them before stepping forward. I could also see what appeared to be smoke eminating from him. Something was definately off with the not so well dressed man. Hanlon seemed bored, Nidget terrified, me I had a splitting headache and I was tired so it was a great day for everything Lorentino.

"YOU ARE A FOOL LORENTINO!" His voice was booming.

"Inside voices please I got a head ache." A chain wrapped around my throat and silenced me, it was kind of a crushing burning pain, at least it distracted from my head ache.

"You will speak when allowed to speak mortal." The not so well dressed man at least used a quieter voice this time.

"Chaos is this really necessary?" Hanlon again seemed more perturbed than anything.

"Oh so you do know who I am Hanlon? Is that why you don't want to deal with me?"

"You have killed some of my people, you have stolen my weapons, and you expect me to want to deal with you?"

"I expect you to be a business man you twerp, I AM A GOD!" Now I don't know what Hanlon is but I figured this was probably not the best way of securing his help. It was interesting that we were dealing with what appeared to be the god of Chaos? Why would there even be such a thing? And why didn't he love me? I MEAN I CAUSE CHAOS EVERYWHERE I GO!

"Yes I see your godhood is readily apparent in your minions and actions. I mean what God can't fail to take over a country while using a scattered force of fools and has to demand weapons to equip his army?" Chaos charged forward and smacked Hanlon, who did not flinch, he did not even register the blow, I could almost feel the shockwave of power the god tried to unleash, but it faltered, Hanlon for whatever he was, was not moved by the power of a god. And that terrified me.

"What are you?"

"Something you would have been better off ignoring." And then all kind of shit broke loose like a crazy damn of crazy. I'll tell you tommorrow, my throat aches from the memory of that chain around it.

Fools Damn Fools, Lorentinos

"Nidget, Trezlan you apparently both fail at reading maps." Hanlon appeared out of nowhere as expected.

"You had a map Nidget?" He withdrew a leather map from his coat pocket, it appeared quite soaked from the swamp journey we had been involved in.

"It was poorly marked." I snatched it from his hands and could see it was extremely clear and Nidget is a gods damned idiot.

"In my defense I had a head injury." Hanlon shook his head and breathed out. I swear everytime I think Hanlon isn't human, he does something that makes him seem very human. Well aside from showing up completely out of the blue without a horse or way of traveling.

"At least you escaped."

"I told you I'd get him out Hanlon, I always honor my word." Nidget of course was lying.

"No you don't Mr. Pavorossi you only did this out of fear, do not mistake my kindness to you as weakness or you will find that said kindness can mask maliciousness understand?" His tone had changed from his normal put upon way of speaking to very harsh. I was kind of frightened of the change.

"Sort of?"

"Good enough." There were a lot of big words and Nidget is more than little bit of a simpleton, now I had no issue following it. A direct threat from a man I've seen kill the unkillable, not something I'd take lightly.

"So who's the idiot in the suit?"

"I'LL SHOW YOU WHO I AM" I could hear the voice of the not so well dressed guy and then we were surrounded by what appeared to be the worst chain gang in the world (literally they were dressed in chains) . I knew it was too easy getting away. Hanlon for his part seemed completely unsurprised, and he wasn't. Such is the world I live in, everyone is ahead of the game and I'm just wondering if I am indeed playing a game.

Nidget World's Worst Navigator

"Hmm I think we may be lost." Nidget and I post escaping my tower imprisonment had immeadiately gotten lost in a forest. Because Nidget is an idiot you see and I had no idea where he was trying to go (the blow to my head earlier also affected my ability to figure things out, it was readily becoming a source of worry for me).

"I could not tell Nidget, I mean its not like we've been wandering around the same area for hours or so it feels like."

"Trezlan when I want your opinion I'll give it to you." Nidget definately seemed more forceful, which lent support to my he wasn't Nidget theory. Or that I was really still locked up theory, or this is all a trap Nidget was paid to set up therory (I had a lot of theories).

"Look I'm a master tracker Nidget, just tell me what I'm tracking and I can find it." Gross overestimation of what I can do... CHECK! Nidget did not seek my advice, instead he just decided to start walking in one direction and hope it was the right one (considering we had been going in a circle for a couple hours this was at least a better plan than what he had before). I was getting worried no one was coming after us. I mean sure Nidget killed the guards coming in, but shouldn't more guards have shown up to check on the dead ones? Shouldn't not so well pressed been a little upset he lost not just me, but Nidget? This didn't bode well for it not being a trap.

We pushed out of the forest of being lost straight into the swamp of being really really cold and damp. Honestly I'm terrible with geography, but I think I could have avoided the swamp. We didn't, and I had to at several points lift Nidget out of amud that was increasingly getting up to his waist (why did I help him? Because he freed me, otherwise I would have just laughed and left him there as punishment). We got out of the swamp tired, cold, and angry (well I was angry Nidget was just Nidget).

Deciding I'd rather not freeze to death I made us a small fire and we set up camp for the night. It was probably not a great idea considering we were technically on the run, but again past a certain point you have to worry about survival now to worry about survival later. And the fire totally worked, in that it caused more problems than we currently had, so it totally made me forget I was completely freezing, cold, and muddy!

Not Nidget Maybe

"Even for you Trezlan this is pretty stupid." I could see drool having accumulated from where I'd been sleeping/unconcious on the floor. The voice was Nidgets, I couldn't see him since because of where I was laying, but his annoying nasally way of talking is hard as all get out to miss. I found my way back up to a sitting postion, he appeared to actually be Nidget, which seemed quite the feet for shape shifters, as I didn't realize they could also entirely change their body size.

"Yeah you can do this trick once you ingrate, but a second time is just ridiculous, especially since Nidget is still locked up himself." He was I thought still imprisoned on the strength of me telling the not so well pressed suit to keep him there.

"Right of course its not like I pick locks for a living Trezlan."

"Shape shifter begone I do not want to have another fake conversation with you." Nidget got a cross look on his face, a mixture between anger and confusion. He walked over to me and I shied away from him but couldn't make it very far due to the shackles. Which he promptly unlocked for me and I was so nice to him I grabbed his Not Nidget ass off the ground like a child who had wronged me.

"Now we'll see if you snake bastards react to fire." Fire was creeping up my hand as an extension of my anger. Not Nidget popped one of those hiden blade things he likes and stabbed me in just below my wrist causing me to drop him, he punched me in the groin as well because I guess he was angry about me threatening to burn him alive.

"You ass, I am Nidget, not some kind of snake person or whatever moronitude your going on about. Don't make me feel stupid for coming back to rescue you."

"Too late." I coughed out, my balls really really hurt.

"You're right, but for some reason I feel bad when you're about to get something you probably don't deserve." It kind of made sense in a my balls hurt really badly and I'm tired of being locked up sort of way. In the back of my mind I was worried that this was an elaborate set up, and I was right to be worried, sort of. We'll get into that next entry.

Wait A Minute

"And so I'll get out of this like I did that don't worry so much." I was finishing telling a tale of grand intrigue to myself when the not so firmly pressed suit man showed up, three guards were in tow, but me being shackled and insane probably didn't need the extra guys.

"Trezlan I'm glad to see you're as crazy as advertised." I've always felt I don't have my best foot forward in the world, this apparently is not lost on people who would lock me up in cellars. He then turned to the me I felt was me but probably should have known was not me.

"Wait you can see my own crazy?" Have to admit this was a moment where I thought I'd fully gone and lost it. Like in this brief moment I was wondering if everything up to this point was some kind fever dream while I was dying somewhere else. And then the not me rippled and became someone else, so not madness a shape shifter.

"He knows nothing." His voice was reptilian most of them are (anyone who can "shed" skin is most likely a reptile, or someone very magically talented, since this person relied on his actual skin to do the changing, reptile it was).

"Can he at least contact Hanlon?"

"No Hanlon apparently realized what a failure he is and gets in touch with him."

"Hey screw you me that isn't me." The not so pressed suit got very angry when I interrupted this ended with a strike that should have just stung my cheek but sent me slamming into the wall behind me. I also saw his not so pressed suit ripple a bit, so the shape shifter was not alone in being something he didn't appear to be.

"YOU WILL SPEAK WHEN SPOKEN TO NECROMANCER!" His voice boomed, it even made his guards flinch. I thankfully got to pass out the blow was too much, well that and the realization I wasn't talking to myself. Look you feel relieved when you haven't reached certain levels of insanity and this was one of those times.

The Evolution of the I Told You So

There are times when you are sitting alone underground being driven insane by a slow watery drip, that you question your life. You wonder for instance where decisions you have made in the past bring you to places in your present you could have easily avoided. You also wonder what the color pink tastes like, and how many seperate imaginary friend converations you have to have before you start to question your sanity (or your existence to begin with, that's always a fun nutty conversation). So it wasn't too startling to see myself in the cell with me. I mean I came to expect this level of nuttery.

"You should have listened to Hanlon." I'm always judgemental of me, its weird.

"Listened what? He just told me I was in over my head, which is the case, ALWAYS! I don't know why he thinks this time was special." This should have been my first clue to maybe just maybe this me was not me, since me didn't know what I knew, which is strange to put down but made perfect sense in retrospect.

"You still know where he is, you can call for his help."

"Locked up in a cellar? Right let me shine my Hanlon signal and he'll be right by to get me." Again me seemed completely unaware of things, but I've grown so used to being crazy I just let it go.

"Trezlan we both know we can't get out of this on our own."

"That's bullshit, I'll figure something out, or I'll suffer for years, have a huge psychotic break and then, well at least I won't have to worry about sanity!" The first one happened, not the second, though I do write to my journal like I speaking to an audience. The other me who wasn't actually me persisted and we chatted, mostly about my conditions, but he kept being insistent on Hanlon. I never knew I fixated on Hanlon so much in my life, and turns out I actually don't. Crazy eh?

Hospitality Wasted

"THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE!" Mr. Clean suit had lost his cool, I could see the fraying edges around his personality immeadiately (and not just because he was yelling at me). I brought back his money, I just told him Hanlon told me he wasn't interested. He was completely unreasonable, and I don't know why. I mean not every one wants to do business with revolutionaries that are clearly unstable and possibly failure prone, also Hanlon for whatever reason seemed to be especially not willing to work with this group.

"I showed him the money, he didn't bite."

"My men reported you never met with Hanlon Trezlan."

"You're men are bad at paying attention, I met with him, we talked shop, he said no, I suspect we are done here." About here is when I felt every muscle in my body tense up and then I hit the floor like a dumb sack of potatos.

"If I can't do it the easy way I'll do it the hard way, this will go bad for you Lorentino." With that he ordered his men to pick me up and away I was drug to some horrific cellar area that smelled worse than the camp before and had a constant water drip that drove me more crazy than being shackled alone under the ground.  I tell you at times I think my curiosity for situations gets the better of me. I should in the future just burn everyone and call it a day, but no I'm an idiot and I just have to know "How bad can this get?" REALLY FREAKING BAD TREZLAN STOP WONDERING!

Hanlaportation

Three days I rode around with three very burly looking men looking for Hanlon. And for three days I came up with nothing. The men were there to be my "bodyguards" but I'm pretty sure they were jailers and more assigned to watch the money than me (couldn't blame them considering my history). I was in the middle of urinating while the guards stood on their horses and harumphed (they never had to go the bathroom, or eat, or talk, they were the worst traveling companions I ever had save Nidget). When Hanlon appeared next behind the tree I was marking. It was enough to cause me to let out a startled yelp and almost piss on myself.

"Quiet Trezlan or they'll hear you." His voice was low almost hissing.

"Oh I'm sorry Hanlon, I'll try and react better when people appear behind trees I'm pissing on." I didn't think it was unreasonable.

"Make sure that you do. What in the five fires are you doing Trezlan?"

"What do you mean what am I doing? You're the war maker who started this."

"I did not start this conflict!"

"They were using your weapons!"

"They stole them from me, shockingly despite your lack of any discernible morals Trezlan you're the only person who has not directly stolen from me, a fact I'm sure only the Gods themselves could laugh about." In a way I was kind of proud of this fact.

"Well now they want to pay for them, the rough looking men behind me are willing to front the money." He looked aghast at the suggestion.

"I would never support such stupidity."

"You just supported a revolution!"

"TO PREVENT THEM FROM FALLING TO THIS ONE!" He almost shouted, I turned to make sure my "guards" hadn't noticed, they had not, though I knew I couldn't keep up the converation for long, I mean past a certain point people suspect you're doing more than peeing and thats not a rumor I wanted started.

"You are a very weird businessman Hanlon."

"Trezlan there are forces at work here you can not begin to understand, and thats all I'll say, now get away from these gentleman and help me end this pointless war." With that he was gone, if he was ever really there to begin with. You know at times I wonder if I make Hanlon up? Which is patently ridiculous, because there is no way I'd ever create a personality who despises me so much, I mean I already have Nidget (now you have to wonder if Nidget is real as well, aren't I nice?)