God's a Dick

I struggled against the tentacle squeezing me, it crushed my ribs against the insides of my body. The bones cracked audibly I could sense outside of necromantic magic I would be spending time in utter agony for some time (and in the predicament I was in, "sometime" might be like five minutes). The creature didn't even bother to speak anymore than its initial insult calling me an insect.  Which was just impolite.

"Can't we talk about this?" It took me a moment to speak as the wind was being crushed out of my lungs, and my lungs themselves smushed.

"Talk insect? With you? Why? You are but a bit of nutrition for me, sent by those above to the real god in this world." The words didn't have a vocal sound to them but they reverberated in my mind like a he was shouting inside my head.  Its hard to explain, but when he talked it was like getting hit in the head.

"I could be your disciple preach your word to the masses!" Never been one for religion, but given the option of being crushed to death and eaten or singing the monsters praises, well sign me up!

"You already serve Death, the taint is upon your body like so much filth, destroying you furthers my goals." This was the first time I heard of serving death.  I thought it strange how this creature acted like it was personified, most of my previous experience saw death as just a process (that can be avoided *cough*).  I didn't have a lot of time to consider the implication, again being slowly crushed to death.

I'll admit I was in a bit of a panic, I tried to see what I could do and the options looked terrible; my sword the only actual weapon I had available was still in its scabbard next to my hand but my arms were trapped.  I found I could reach the hilt of the blade, but the best my blow could do was tap the creature.  Figuring it was better to die doing something to try and break free then just be crushed to death, fingered the handle and did the girliest tap a sword in a scabbard had ever done.  Surpingly the tentacle let go immediately.  I splashed into the water and made for the tunnel I was in when I got snatched.  The voice in my head reverberated in shrieks.  I couldn't make out much other than painful head throbbing, but I did distinctly hear "The earth god shall pay for this." I made note to ask Valrym if he had pissed off some weird tentacle beast sometime and ran as hard as my busted body could carry me.

You'd think I'd learn from my previous experience that running blindly in tunnels is a bad idea. The tunnel and light I was running to lead off a cliff, and in my hurry I didn't notice that at all. You don't know it, but I'm the worlds first professional cliff diver, thank god there was water beneath me or I'd have been the worlds first and last. When I drug myself to shore I found I was in the moat underworld beneath the palace, I was completely confused as to how I'd managed to wind up there.  And there is where my next journey begins!