Sitting this one out

"You broke your ankle, you look like you cracked your ribs, and if I'm not mistaken from the smell you corrupted part of yourself as well."

"You say all that like its a bad thing?" Morley's appraisal of my injuries was insulting! He also missed that I bruised my ass when I fell down, but honestly that was a minor injury compared to the rest.

"How do you wake up in the morning without hurting yourself serious question?" We were camped out on a ridge.  Morley didn't have a camp fire or anything, you know I can't recall if I've ever seen the man eat anything.  What does Morley eat? Nope probably don't want to know the answer to that.

"Its touch and go sometimes I almost chop my hand off while cooking breakfast," I gave Morley a sour look, "Look you fight a rock giant by your own self and not get hurt asshole!"

"Only one? Please I've taken on more than that without a scratch, regardless of your failures as a magic user or a person in general this just means I'll have to deal with this situation by myself." Morley sighed as he looked to the fires burning on the plains in the distance.

"I'm all broken up about that Morley really, I mean I might shed a tear should fall out there." I wouldn't have shed a tear.

"On second thought..."

"Har har, look being your bait twice is enough for me, thanks for the warning about the necro army by the way." He totally didn't give me a warning, at all, which you know from reading... nevermind.

"Well at least your fire will distract me enough to get to use these," He produced the relics, they'd been fused together in some kind of weird skull thing, "Well in theory, honestly the lore is kind of off here, I mean for one the army was supposed to not be able to pass beyond their graveyard, but that was way off." Morley was more talking to himself, but still it was nice to know that he occaisionally got stuff wrong.

"So you intend on destroying it right not using it for yourself?"

Morley smiled, it was scarier then his normal smarmy look, "You thought I betrayed you and was leading that army didn't you? Yes Trezlan I intend on destroying it you moron, an army of the dead is useless to me." You'll note the useless statement, its not that he wouldn't want an army of slaves, just that this army is not as useful as he'd like.

"And so I stay here and try not to hurt myself."

"A task you might be able to pull off, maybe."

I flipped him off, he mounted his horse and left me alone.  I was at least reasurred he intended on doing this without me.  I'm pretty sure he just wanted me out of the way in case he got hurt and had to heal himself. Its funny the one nice thing he did for me and it almost got me killed, again.  Seriously even when he's being nice I'm in trouble.

I'm Not on the Menu

Armies of the undead are so impolite! I mean here I was trying to limp my way to them, and they couldn't even slow their relentless march to wipe out civilization! Damned undead with their not having to sleep, or slow down due to not being alive! I still wasn't even sure how Morley had got this army (at the time I figured he'd screwed me because honestly that's what Morley does), I couldn't even tell if I was going in the right direction (I was, following destruction usually works for chasing armies, yes I've chased armies after this one).

The sun was setting over the ruined plains (in a day of hobbled travel I'd left teh forest where the shorties existed and found my way to what makes up the majority of the Red Hand territory hard scrabble brush lands, that's why its easy to get lost in their territory it all looks the freaking same).  The undead army was making it easy for me, as they walked what little vegetation there was died, so I just followed the dead plants and soon enough there they were. The horde had stopped for some reason.  I'd been following them all day, but in my pain and hunger (what little food I found at the shorty camp did not look appetitizing) I almost stumbled right into their ranks (this is even worse when you consider I was on a plain with great visibility).  The dead were a mixture of the recent (most of the shorty village) and the long dead (basically ambling skeletons), I couldn't tell who was leading them, and oddly enough they were all just standing around.  Not talking, not warring or stomping; just standing.

It was really odd. I was so mesmerized I didn't even realize the undead that had snuck on me. It was a recent shorty and his boney companion.  The little guy wasn't clothed (nightmare fuel) and the skeleton had the remains of some cloth shirt on his torso, probably what he was buried in. I was made aware of their presence by a sharp pain in my injured ankle (naturally) as the shorty attacked. I didn't suppress my natural desire to kick the little bastard and caused myself more injury (though thankfully with the splint I knocked the shorty into next week, so minor win for a major pain).  Bonehead tried to grab my torso, but unfortunately what ever magic enabled him to be alive was not enabling him with unnatural strength (no muscle, no real structure) I was easily able to disarm him (literally in this case) and with a quick sword strike I took his head off, which dead nothing to stop the body but without a head and arms it was kind of bumping up against me. I was set to disable the shorty when I turned around and noticed I was surrounded.

Getting gummed to death was not something I really wanted a part of.  Aided by the pain in my ankle (when you're in pain you tap into that nasty primal magic, I believe I've talked about this in the past), I unleashed a fire wave in front of me, I could feel corruption seeping in with stabbing pains, but I'd rather take the chance of madness down the line over death right now.  The fire was white hot destroying the undead in front of me and igniting the dead plants all around us, which lead to more of the dried dead igniting. It actually worked too well, soon enough I was engulfed in smoke and flames and could not make out a way for the life of me.  I did see that whatever magic had brought the dead to life could not prevent them from being destroyed by my fire.

I was about to give up hope (something I do frequently) when Morley's necro steed appeared riderless. Not wanting to ignore this gift of fate I mounted fast (at great pain to my wounded ankle) and got the hell out of dodge, or I should say I let the horse get me out of there.  The smoke had overwhelmed my lungs and stung my eyes, I did my best to hold on as the horse lead me out of there.  I can't say how fast or how far he moved, I was only half paying attention when I looked around and could only see the faintest hints of fire in the distance.  The horse stopped and tossed me off with a quick start.  I hit the ground with a thud and pain surged up my ankle.

"Thanks a lot you stupid dick." Horses don't understand speech (I think?), but I tried to make my tone of voice explain my displeasure.

"You're welcome Trezlan next time I'll just leave you to your own stupidity." That was Morley, of course it was Morley, it was his horse after all. What did he want? How did he resurrect an army? Well that will be tomorrow, I've got some nasty business to attend to today and I'd rather not be in a fouler mood than I already am!

Broken Ankle Blues

There are certain things you grow used to as a necromancer. Leering looks from people who suspect you of doing awful things, an unhealthy facination with death, and not having to suffer through maladies like broken bones. Unfortunately when you killed the only creature you could feasibly steal the life from (and honestly I didn't even know if a giant would work the same way, I mean life force is life force, but what if I took on gigantic proportions? I don't have enough cloth for that) you're left with whatever injuries you had going in.  Which meant a broken ankle and what felt like cracked ribs.

I could tell things had only gotten worse when none of the shorties had shown up to greet me.  It wasn't a huge surprise, but all the same it was an idicator (I mean I did kill their monster of legend? Where the hell was my heroes welcome?) I didn't know how much time had passed from when I went to sleep to when I woke up.  I did know that the stench of a rotting giant is a nasty wake up call, and that no matter how you attempt to get up, a broken ankle and cracked ribs hurt like no tommorrow. I hobbled my to the edge of the forest and leaned against a tree. I was in a bad way, far away from any assisted travel (my horse was at the shorties village), and unable to really walk for long distances without being in abject pain.  On top of all that, while I was half standing at the tree I heard fighting in the distance (even back then before the widespread use of artillery and black powder weaponry you could tell the sounds of a conflict).

It took me the majority of the day to just cover a small bit of ground, by the time I made it back to the village it had been wiped out.  No sign of Morley or anyone, no bodies or anything.  Whatever had hit that village had hit it hard. There were still cooking fires burning with over cooked breakfast burned on them. My horse was of course missing (naturally when lifes crapping on you it keeps crapping), and along with it my supplies and coin. I was able to make a crutch for myself, and later in the night after finding some liquid courage I made a splint for the bad ankle (hey I have actual healing abilities unrelated to necromancy, I just don't really use them ever). My ribs were pretty screwed as is (as you'll probably know rib injuries outside of magic healing a rib injury is just waiting and rest, something I didn't really have time for in either case).

So my time as champion of this village of shorties was really not for the best. It's the last time I ever really was declared a champion of somewhere (a shame really I'm a great champion not that as I have said anyone would ever find that out). I spent the rest of the night in a drunken stupor after I splinted my ankle, when I woke up I had a splitting headache, a full day of travel on a bad ankle, and a war against the undead to fight.  You know a normal day for me.

Trezlan Lorentino Giant Killer

Is it better to be lead by idiots or leading them? This is the question I had on my mind as I was being carried in a makeshift throne towards the beast of legend.  Morley was behind me giving me encouragement as I went (encouragement in this case meaning not being a pessimistic jerk). The shorties had apparently been apeasing the beast with sacrifices and now that they had found a "champion" wanted me to take care of it.  Honestly tribal socities are really scary in how they rely on superstition, what if the beast got tired of just eating sacrifices and came for the rest of the village? Pray to incompetent gods? (I mean at least with me as their champion they had a real living god) If you ever find yourself praying to a god for assistance, well I don't want to tell you you're screwed, but you're totally screwed.

It occured to me as I was being lead to their altar that I could just be a really large sacrifice to this ungodly beast they feared, but by the the time that crossed my mind it was too late to actually turn back.  The altar was a simple stone affair set on a raised platform in a clearing, there were trees about twenty feet back from the altar (I don't think the shorties built it as their huts were all bone and simple animal hide, I don't think they were secretly big stoneworkers).  The last sacrifice's blood still stained the altar.  The shorties lowered the chair and pointed toward the altar, I moved toward and stood upon it, trying to see what they wanted me to kill, it didn't surprise me when I turned around all but Morley were gone.

"Ran away did they?"

"Of course, they want you to kill their problem, they don't want to help you Trezlan."

"Well at least that means I can use fire without worry." Not that I ever worried, I mean if worst came to worst in the village I would have just murdered all of them.  Ok so I'm not the nicest guy, I'll admit this.

"You mean you'll use fire more openly? Not that the blade thing wasn't an interesting display of your limited ability."

"That was almost a compliment Morley, I'm touched."

"In the head yes." I waved him off and continued standing on the altar.  Nothing, I thought to myself that perhaps the beast of legend was tired or full from the last sacrifice. A small lizard like creature emerged and came waddling toward the altar.  It was no taller than my knee and walked upright with two stubby little arms out front. It made a weird squawking noise and came at me.  I looked at Morley and shrugged, and then killed the little lizard creature with a quick stab.

"That was it? That was the big evil thing? I mean honestly the spider was more imposing." Anytime you say something that stupid, yeah fate has a way of kicking you in the balls (I believe I've commented on this in the past). "I can not believe that they had a huge spider with stone legs and evil venomous fangs, and this little lizard creature was the problem! That's ridiculous beyond ridiculous."

"Trezlan."

"What Morley? Here to tell me you have another task that requires my help? You know I'm done with this, whatever debt I owed you consider it paid, I want to go back to a city, something with a warm bath and no damn slimy creatures, I'm done hunting monsters!" At this point I got snatched up in the air.  Never ever turn your back to make a rant, make sure to rant in all directions (a trip from your friendly neighborhood Trezlan). The real creature that was bothering the shorties was some form of giant (that had snuck up on me despite being huge, its not really my fault here, something that big should make more sound when moving around! Hell I can't go into a forest without making so much noise as to anger everything within a mile radius).  I apparently had killed its pet lizard, so it was not very happy with me.  I turned away from the giant (who looked made out of rock and the crushing force he was applying to my torso made me wonder if I would literally pop like an overstuffed sausage casing) to see if Morley was there, but he wasn't, he had left me to die as I could only expect (it was his entire plan after all, get me to distract his monsters and then steal whatever they were guarding). I had more immediate concerns of course, I was being crushed to death and teh creature doing it was intending on eating me (probably, I mean at his size would eating me really provide enough content to keep functioning?).

I gripped the stone finger with both my hands and conjured fire.  The giant screamed and tossed me fairly far (its not the fall that hurts, its the landing) I heard a snap as I fell and pain flared up in my left ankle.  The giant wasn't waiting around to see if I was hurt, his supringly quiet movement as he bull rushed me was alarming. I stood on the bad ankle and really regretted it (the alternative was being crushed by some kind of rock giant, not exactly a great alternative) each hobbled step was utter agony. I rolled out of the way and the giant smashed into a tree unphased.  I could feel myself losing the fight against the pain and wanting to slip away to sleep with each exertion. The giant charged again, I rolled between his legs and swung my sword at his ankle, I was prepared for a clang and to lose my sword but it carved through his foot no problem, the giant lost its footing and took a tumble forward.  I struggled to my feet and climbed on top of its back fighting back the waves of pain with each step I buried the blade into its back repeatedly until I was covered in the creatures blue blood (I've been a part of toppling regimes before, but this was the only time I ever truely killed a blue blood).

The giant moved no longer, I felt worn down, my ankle was in extreme pain, and my ribs also felt bad. I couldn't even muster the strength to get my sword out of the giant.  I stumbled off the beast and hit the ground with a thud (which made my ribs scream in opposition).  I figured I'd take a nice nap and when I got up things would be better.  Alas things were not better when I woke up, they never really are, the old adage of sleeping something off doesn't apply to world ending armies of the necro undead.  I know it surprised me too.

Trial by Jackass

"Go for the eyes Trezlan!" Morley was shouting from up above me, I was in a cage locked in with a large spider creature, its entire head was covered in eyes.

"Not really helping Morley!" I dodged out of the way of one of the creatures legs (normal spider legs are a weak point, evil spider monsters legs are a weapon).  Why was I fighting a giant spider in a cage? Well Morley of course.  See when he said gift, he meant me.  Yeah apparently I'm a martial god according to him, and this was a display of my courageous ability (which meant no using my fire magic, yeah I was thrilled when Morley told me that before being tossed in here). So there I was with my sword, my wits, and a giant gods damned spider! Where do people get beasts like this anyway? Do you raise them from birth to be something evil? Catch it in the wild? I mean honestly. I swung my sword at its exposed leg and heard a clang, the impact sent a shiver up my hand and caused me to it. Stunned from what just happened I didn't even see the other leg the beast swung as it caught me in the head and sent me flat on my back (where I do my best work of course).

"You've got him where you want him Trezlan!" That Morley he's such a motivator, the spider rushed over on top of me ready to land the killing blow (with nasty venomous fangs).  The damn thing was about the size of a small cow and still moved like a normal spider (I mean if you're big the least you could do is be slow!) Seconds away from finding out exactly what happens when something drains the blood out of you, I put a solid kick into the creatures mid section, which drove it back for a second. Quickly I took up my sword and swung for the creatures fangs, thankfully whatever protected its legs didn't extend to those things and with a hissing squish they detached from its main body. The creature lurched backwards and I got back on my feet, the crowd of shorties who had gathered to watch booed (naturally everyone votes for the flesh eating creature). The beast was enraged now, I'd hurt it (probably killed it without those fangs it wouldn't really be able to capture prey given a long enough time line of course), it rushed forward and I easily side stepped this attack, unfortunately I misstook its intentions and it ran up the wall behind me and launched itself at me.

Seconds away from being crushed and then gummed to death, I decided to risk a bit of magic heated my blade, and impaled it (its not like shorties would know the difference between enchanted sword and enhanced one). The force of the spiders jump and my own thrust had the sword go clean through it, I rolled with the strike and tried to toss the spider over my head, which worked for the most part, except it coated me in its digusting green guts on the way down. My enemy lay defeated behind me in a twitching mess. I stood up and shook the guts off my sword (at the same time made sure to release the magic I had in it).  Morley was clapping, but the shorties were none to happy (which makes no sense you test a guys martial prowess but get upset when he wins? Sillyness). I was surrounded by the little buggers and their sharp spears and things looked like I was going to lose by winning (though honestly getting speared to death? Better than getting eaten).

"You are champion, you can face evil." Those were the words of wisdom from the chief. The spear wielders backed off and went to clean up the rest of spider creature (it went on to be prepared for a feast in my honor, I declined to eat it).

"Good work Trezlan, now you just need to kill one more thing and we can move on." Morley moved in as the shorties left, he had that smirk of victory on his face.

"Oh one more thing Morley? HOW ABOUT THAT THING BEING YOU!" I seriously wanted to kill him right there in the middle of that bone cage, it would have done the world a favor let me tell you.

"Relax you did fine and I'm sure you can handle this next thing, well probably." Morley exuded optimism let me tell you. I shrugged off his statement and went to find the nearest water source, I could smell the rotten guts on my flesh and made me almost throw up everytime I caught a whiff. Which reminds me, my favorite invention of this modern age? Laundry services! Really makes it easy to wash your last monster out of your clothes, I'll admit this is a problem thats mostly just me. Anyway, tommorrow I'll regale you of my short lived time as the champion of the shorties (short lived? God I kill me, that joke works double and tommorrow you'll see why!).

Coming up Short

"Get up Trezlan." Morley was standing over me, he had a look of contempt and blackness (well more like soot, the entire cave system was covered in it now).  I had decided to sleep off my being lost, cold, and alone (because nothing works for all of those problems like a good night of sleep, hey it worked in this case!) I can't say I was surprised to see Morley, and I'll have to admit seeing him covered in soot? Well it was hard not to laugh.

"Oh did you bring breakfast Morley? I'd love some eggs and bacon!" Doubling down on being a jerk got me kicked in the head (you ever hear "well that was better than a kick in the head" I've always used Morley kicking me in the head for reference).

"You're lucky I'm feeling charitable Trezlan, you almost killed me yesterday."

"Oh I almost killed you? Well that's good, you almost killed me by getting me lost in a tunnel system with some freakish being in it you dick!" Honestly, how can someone complain when its your fault they are in the bad situation to begin with (ignore my complaints when I drag other people on my foolish errands).

"Is it really my fault you failed to keep up?"

"Is it really my fault I used fire to kill something that happened to be highly flammable?"

"Ok clearly you see nothing wrong with what you did so lets move on." Of course ignore what he did wrong and blame me for it, thats typical Morley. I got up, because laying down next to someone who kicks heads is not a smart move.

"Moving on then, did you at least get the thingy you needed?" Technical terms are my specialty: thingys, whatachneeds, whateverthehellthatis, and of course the "bomination" sub heading.

"Of course when you distracted the guardian I managed to get it, now we just need to swing by a village near by, get the other idol and we'll be all set."

"Wait another idol? How many are there?"

"Just two, I think, I'll have to see the next one to be sure of course." Two idols now? I swear he was just making this up as we went along! I sighed heavily and gathered my things, Morley lead me out of the cave, noting all the priceless things I destroyed on the way out (he explained then the reason he wasn't using a torch, despite letting me keep mine the entire time, like I said man's an ass). We emerged and I was happy to see both our horses were still there (well Morley's necro horse probably wouldn't leave, but mine could have easily taken off after the explosion of fire.) We were just about to mount up and get going when I noticed something shining in a bush near us, I was halfway to opening my mouth when the shorties emerged.  Tribal looking vicious bastards they were, all covered in animal bones and teeth from something. They had nasty looking spears pointed at vital parts I'd rather keep unskewered.  I looked to Morley and he shook his head (the universal sign for don't make this worse than it already is).  Their leader wore a mask made out of the skull of something (or it could have been multiple skulls, it was all bone and spooky).

"You bring fire from the cave? You are bad men." Simplistic language was all the tribals ever managed when speaking with outsiders, I've read journals that claim they spoke much more fluidly to each other, I've never ever seen evidence of that.

"You are a wise man Chief, but we are not bad men, we seek to speak with your tribe, we have gifts." Morley took the lead here, he usually did when we were in mortal peril (with him its all the time). The chief seemed to think it over and then indicated for us to move away from our horses and follow him, a couple of the other shorties took the horses by the reins and followed after us (I was worried at the time they'd eat my horse, I should have been more worried they'd eat me, but that will come).  Honestly the most surprising thing about this capture was that Morley was so laid back about it, again a clue to how he was lying to me. I was about to have my final clue, but by the time I got it, it was a little late to do anything about it.  And that will be tommorrow's entry.  The thing you have to keep in mind, I'm still associated with Morley, we still talk, despite him continually screwing me over. I must be the most forgiving guy ever, or the biggest sucker.

Caving In to Pressure

I hate caves, I hate dark places where things that should not be there, are there. I hate that I end up exploring them with some half baked notion of what will be there, all the while hoping not to get killed by whatever is really there (very rarely do whats supposed to be in a cave, and whats actually in a cave ever meet). As you can probably assume from this Morley and I went caving.  The worst part? It wasn't even to solve his stupid problem to begin with! We needed some object of whatever importance to try and reverse what he opened to begin with. It struck me as odd that he didn't have it to start out his little misadventure, that would be clue number one that Morley was shockingly lying to me.

The cave was a spiraling mess that stunk like rotten flesh (never a good sign, rotten flesh smell is natures "Go Away").  Morley proceeded on heedless of the imminent danger, he didn't even use a torch (I had a makeshift one form a piece of cloth in my bag and a stick from outside), I swear he can see in the dark, maybe he can I've never really asked (how would you ask? "Yo Morley I see you see in the dark, how can you do that?").  Following Morley is like being behind a big storm front, you try and keep up, but eventually the storm just blows on by you, or in this case he ducked to one side suddenly and was gone. Bad enough I was down there, worse that Morley just left me behind (you'll notice this is a pattern with him, I believe I've mentioned this prior).

I continued on stumbling in the dark cave, I had no idea what we were there for, and stupidly hadn't been paying attention to where we were going when I was following Morley (a pattern with me, I'm the worst at directions and following them). I kept calling out Morley's name while I stumbled around, I figured you know whats the worst that could happen? And then the worst happened (which is why you never ever wonder that!). I had just stepped in something almost unrecognizeable and was in the process of rubbing it off my boot in a dignified manor (totally not just sliding my boot around on the ground while going ick the whole time) when bumped into something fairly solid that didn't feel like a wall.  I didn't want to look at it really, I know how these things go, you look, you scream and then whatver you ran into attacks you, I reached a hand backwards and felt something really slimy (bad enough I got something on my boot I had to add my hand into the mix).

Turning around slowly with my torch I saw a four legged beast of madness.  I mean I hunted things with my Aunt, big ugly looking things, nothing ever looked like this damn thing.  It had overly large teeth crammed into a upper jaw that over shot the lower one by far (so I can only assume it would bite things with the front jaw and chew with the lower? I didn't really get to see it eat anything especially me), one central black eye that seemed mainly decoration (it existed in a lightless cave most likely found things by sound) the slime covered its whole body, which was long and thin with hinged legs like you see on insects the legs ended in talons, overall it had to at least be teen feet tall and about three across.  It had been "resting" in mostly straight up and down position when I bumped into it.  I stepped back slowly, keeping the torch and my hands in front of me (the universal sign for don't eat me I mean you no harm).  The insectabomination (thats my word you can't have that one) didn't appreciate my gesture and latched out with its front limbs, I slipped on more slime and hit my back pretty hard (ok ok maybe I should lie more in these journals, because honestly a lot of my victories are embarrassing, the more there is not to imply I've lied yet though...), I rolled out of the way of the creatures claws and into more slime mess (can I say I hate Morley again? I hate Morley) the beast was fully mobile now and in a cave where it had the advantage.  I was about to throw fire or something when I noticed a burning smell, in my fall I hadn't realized I'd dropped the torch, which now had caught the slime on fire, the slime I was coated in, you can see how this would be bad (what creature has flammable slime anyway? I mean come on!)  Out of the insectabomination and into the fire; I started running away as the fire grew behind me, I heard the creature scream an inhuman howl behind me, but I was too concerned with the ever increasing fire now enveloping the cave (the whole damn thing was covered in slime, how I missed this? I really don't know).

The growing fireball roared behind me as I tried to run faster, I ducked down pathways, past walls covered in wierd writing, and eventually lept into a what looked to be underground river (I didn't have my torch and the fire was lighting things for me from behind, I could have just as easily jumped into a river of that slime, but I wouldn't be writing this entry if I did that now would I!) The fire washed over above me, I waited a moment after it had passed and emerged.  Now the cave was dark again, I couldn't see anything, and do to just running like a madman, was completely lost so all in all thing were looking up you know, if I was insane well insaner.  MORLEY!!!!!