Almost Got Away with It, Almost

It takes a special kind of asshole to take vengeance for someone you hardly know for a crime they were probably completely guilty of and deserving of punishment for. But I am that asshole. I just can't let someone win. Its not in my genes. I just don't like when someone who is bad and should feel bad, gets away with something. Call me crazy, it just bugs. I realize of course saying this after I've admitted to killing people to establish my cred as a mob boss doesn't come across as particularly fair, but what can I say people who kill people get to make the rules for how they are judged (mostly stupid court system not understanding the Lorentino rule!) Also I just couldn't truck with someone getting away with something. It seems like the universe should punish you for trying to get away with an obvious thing (ignore again all the times I get away with things, the universe loves me to suffer so it lets me do things from time to time). So with all that in mind, this is how I arrived at the house of the police commissioner in town shortly after faking my own death.

I benefited of course by everyone in town at Leland's house fire. I mean you can't shoot at your own house, have it be burned down, and not get authorities up in your grill about it (officially it was listed as a party gone wrong, I kid you not). The commissioner was alone, no family, no friends, just an old man in a pretty house living out the rest of his days alone, in a way killing him was a mercy. Or at least that's what I told myself. For his part he seemed to be expecting me.

"Was wondering when you'd come calling." He had a pistol on me, which was smart, he didn't shoot me when I came in the door which was not smart. I blew up the pistol with a wave of my hand and he crumpled to the ground blood leaking out of the shredded stump.

"You can't do what you do and expect to live, you can't arrange a mob war and expect no one would get hurt, I got hurt and I wasn't involved at all." He was done, I just left at that point, he screamed and I didn't care. In a way it was a nice irony a weapon he'd pointed at me ended up killing him, it's kind of like that dead body of Corine got him in the end.

And thus ended my nice fishing trip, I mean sure I'd caught some fun things and had some good times on the road, but turning into a mob boss and faking my death is exhausting. Also the fish smell, good lord it never leaves when you don't take normal showers/baths, but mainly the mob boss thing.

Gunfire Is A Rotten Wake Up Call

I think I have some kind of bad luck with regards to being woken up rudely. Throughout all my life there seems to be a set pattern for being woken up rudely. I've been blown up, shot at, water dumped on, stabbed, mind screwed with, I think I've been woken up badly by just about every method there is, I've never had the nice ones I've read of in stories or had nicer people talk about. No it's always the bad ones. Which is the way of saying that shortly after my discussion with the cops I was awakened by a roar of gun fire from down stairs. And when I say a roar I mean a literal roar. There were at least twenty five people down stairs opening fire on the house like it did something bad to them. It was stupid there weren't even bed rooms down there! Poor house all getting shot up to make a point to me, it wasn't even my house, they shot up Leland's house.

"Get out here Lorentino." It was Leland I should have known the moron would shoot up his own house and turn on me for turning his family around. It was one of those "I should have seen this coming because people are weasels, Pavarossi's much more so." Well and I did see it coming, it was part of that whole letting you walk before you run thing I was doing for Leland. So while I was angry the gun fire woke me up, I was not sad that he decided to kill me, he had to do this to reestablish himself as the prime player. I was also just upset he ruined my nap.

I'll admit I was of two minds, I was thinking maybe I should go out there kill the crap out of Leland and then take over the family for my own nefarious needs... (ok not always so neutral...) And the other one was to just leave town. While being in charge of my own mob family was fun, it was exhausting and would most likely lead me to another lengthy prison stay which I'd rather not do. So I skipped town. I burned down Lelands house of course, but I skipped town on top of that.

Of course I had a back up plan out of that house (it's called burning down a wall, so ok the house burning down was just like sort of an accident, but I totally did it to cover my own death). Unfortunately I couldn't totally skip town yet, I had to get vengeance for a man I didn't know for a death I didn't cause but sort of got blamed for. Look I'm weird you know this.

Ok So Now I am a Criminal But Before

The big problem with reforming a crime family is that no one believes they are dangerous once again. Like once you've reached the level of being a joke in your town or sphere of influence people aren't exactly afraid when you come calling. Well not initially anyway. To rehabilitate the Pavarossi's image we had to go mean, violent and brutal. Sure killing three people in my organization helped a little bit, but that just kept my own idiots in line. I needed the other groups in town to fear the group and not just me leading it (I knew I would not last if I stayed in the family, so I had to make a lasting impression and leave as soon as possible, it was the smartest move). So that ruled out just burning some shit to the ground and calling it good (see I was sort of nice) it did mean I had to unfortunately destroy some peoples property and call in some hits on people to remind them the Pavarossi's were not to be messed with.

Thankfully Reggie's memory gave me the right people. Well "right" in this case meant involved, see I couldn't kill the people directly involved because that's not the proper method for dealing with people who have wronged you. No you have to kill their underlings thereby telling them that you know that they did something, and then they try and kill your underlings in response and only after you rebuff that then can you finally sit down and discuss normal everyday things with them. There is a system you see! A method to my madness!

Unfortunately when I had some people killed the people who arrived at my door were the crooked cops who had sold my ass out in the first place thus dragging me into this whole sad conflict! Its like the circle of suck finally completed. I do have to laugh the detective who initially suspected me was at least surprised to see me open the door at Leland's house.

"Can I help you gentleman?" I knew the cops were coming, they were dirty and it didn't cost much to get information on them. My boys were back down the hallway with weapons just in case things got dangerous.

"The fisherman? What are you doing here?"

"Moved on to catching out of private ponds."

"Right, is Leland home?"

"Leland is away on family business I'm watching over the place in his absence."

"Kid you think your tough I get that, and you may have killed Corine, but this is big boy stuff step aside I need to talk with Leland."

"Detective unless you got something legal in your hand, you aren't coming in to this house and hassling my family, and since I know you don't, screw." He had a whole squad of cops with him, I appeared to be by myself, but he left, because he knew that I knew he didn't have anything and was just coming to mess with us (it's crazy how fast I took on all this mob stuff, I mean I'd have been afraid if I didn't do all the good things I never write about that totally makes me not sound like an awful criminal...)

So with the police dealt with and the Pavarossi's back to being feared I was able to walk way and hahahaha yeah that's not at all what happened. You know nothing ever goes as planned in my life! Ever! Like not even a simple dinner plan!

Cut Backs

The accountant was a short man with a balding head and a a bushy mustache. He arrived in a suit worth more than he earned in theory in a year and was quiet. Which made sense, I had two of the bigger guys collect him in the middle of the night and deliver him to me sitting behind a desk, I'd be quiet too if I knew I was about to get executed. He'd been skimming blatantly his entire time he'd been working for the Pavarossis it made me wonder if he was actually working for another family, hence why I drug him in instead of just killing him (it was weird how easily I took to being a crime boss, I swear I'm a good person... ok neutral person, but like good neutral...).

"Reggie do you know why I called you here?" Leland had basically conceded his whole organization to me, it was funny how quick he was to turn it all over, I don't think he was cut out to be in charge of anything, another example of how bad the family was run.

"I knew you'd want to eventually, you need me to show you how the books are run." I laughed, the two large men with me laughed, Reggie did not laugh.

"No Reggie I wanted to know who you are working with?

"Who I'm working with?"

"Yes Reggie, you've been taking money from this family, and I want to know if it was to line your own pockets or someone elses, don't bother denying it I know how to balance the books unlike you." He started to sweat, I could sense the fear from him, and he had good reason to be afraid, I'd already had two other failing family members killed earlier. What can I say I took to crime way way too easily.

"I ain't working for no one." He was defiant in the face of his own doom I appreciated that having been on his side of the desk one too many times myself.

"Sure Reggie sure, and I'm sure you figured out how to scam all on your own, but the part that's confusing me is who and why someone wanted Corine dead, you're too dumb to do it on your own, but someone on the inside here needed to help and you were the most likely candidate based on being stupid enough to get involved."

"You can beat me, I won't talk."

"I appreciate your loyalty to your true employer, boys leave the room please." The men left and I got up from my desk and made my way over to Reggie. "The problem you and he are going to run into Reggie, is that I'm not Leland, and I also have ways of getting information from you that don't involve you talking." He was about to say something in return when I laid a hand on his jaw and sucked the life right out of him. His memories were scattershot and boring for the most part, Reggie had lead a life of average loserdom, screwing ugly prostitutes and find himself a pawn to more powerful men. He at least knew the person behind Corine's murder so that was useful.I clapped and the boys came back in.

"Tell it to me straight you're like a vampire right?" One of the boys whose name was Lyle had seen me kill an earlier man similar to Reggie.

"Lyle play it straight and you'll never have to know, now destroy the body we got work to do." The boys removed Reggie's corpse and I sat back behind the desk moderately sad. Over the years I'd lost my humanity in a variety of ways, but this mob stuff was taking it from me in the worst one, having fun at being bad. Ok I wasn't really sad then I was actually happy I was in charge and doing the killing, but still looking back... Nah it was way too fun being a bad guy. Sadly all things like that come to an end, and this one did too. Eventually, there was still a lot of bloodshed along the way, read on!

You Run This Group?

The Pavarossi's were a mess. A literal mess in how their properties were run, and a figurative mess in how their organization was run. Like I've never run an actual criminal enterprise (allegedly...), but this group seemed completely in ruin before they were even attacked. Like they didn't have a good accountant, or any accountant, they just had some guy who said he was good with number who couldn't seemingly add two things together. They thought they were making a profit, but in fact they were making a loss on nearly every project they were involved with mostly due to people in the org ripping them off (shocking from such a well run group...) In fact the Pavarossi's were so incompetent it had me wonder why anyone would scheme to destroy them, they all seemed perfectly on the way already.

What this meant unfortunately was that I had to literally become in charge. Like I said I ran a crime family, but I actually did that. I took over and ran an actual crime family. In a way it was like running a normal business. Just the sources of revenue were a bit more overtly criminal as opposed to borderline criminal like my usual business practices (err I mean my completely legit business practices). At first I was a bit out of practice since I hadn't actually run a regular business in a while. So some mistakes were made (mostly about what was and what was not worth actual money, I tell you back in the day fresh milk was a gods damned gold mine, stupid refrigeration changing the way the world works...) but ultimately within two weeks I was able to at least give the business a semblance of things working correctly. Unfortunately that meant that some of the under-performing mob personnel had to be let go. And in this case let go meant killed. Which was a lot easier than when I had to fire people in the past.

Yes I'm a terrible person you don't have to tell me that its bad to appreciate killing people instead of hurting their feelings by firing them I already know.

A Failure in Parenting

"First I thought Nidget died a couple years after I got sent to prison." As always what I really wanted to know is what I got wrong with history. Its a sticking point I forget and remember all the time.

"Faked his death to avoid you, or that's what he told the family." It was so nice to have him drop his mob tough guy act and just tell me straight. Its funny so many people put on appearences to make themselves look tougher when most of the time they are decent or at least not awful people.

"Makes sense although unnecessary from the amount of time I spent in prison." The boss's name was Leland, a call back to the earlier Pavarossi I'd dealt with, I didn't tell him that assuming he either knew, or if he didn't best not to tell him.

"Why did you kill Corine did he piss you off?" Leland had a look in his eyes that told me he didn't kill the guy I was accused of killing either.

"I didn't actually kill him, I literally just fished him up." Leland looked even more depressed now.

"So that means someone is setting up my family for a war," He sighed and I swear to god he started to cry, "You have to help me Trezlan! We can't win against the Tolaci family someone is setting us up!" And now you know how I kind of sort became a mob boss for a bit. I think somewhere Nidget was laughing beyond the grave that I ended up having to run his mob family, though he might have been laughing that there was a mob family anyway. I guess it was a bit of a step down from being an emperor as he always claimed.

Anyway this was one of those wacky adventures when it was all said and done I wished I'd never fished up the dead man to begin with!

The Problem with Geneology

At least they were prompt. I guess when you're in the mob you have other more important things to do than let people wait around for you. Well the modern version of organized crime does, the older less modern version would have you wait days before they interrogated you. I guess just like fast cars, assholes have sped up their routines.

"You're brave kid I give you that, not smart, but brave." I am endlessly amused people think of me as a young man, you have no idea.

"What can I say I have a mind beyond the years on my face." The truest thing I've probably ever said.

"Still though pissing in the face of the Calibarries is dangerous, walking about town trumping that to everyone who will listen is equally as stupid, me I love a good dangerous guy, but not one who will get me killed."

"I don't see how my actions will get you killed Mr.?"

"Pavarossi." I damn near choked, none of these people were shorties, and I didn't want to believe somehow someway Nidget had mated with a regular sized person, it didn't seem like something the gods would allow.

"You're a Pavarossi? That's blatantly impossible, they were all shorties." His face got extremely red, I heard one of his men in the back take in a sharp gust of breath, I didn't realize it at the time, but I had just said the worst thing I could possibly say to this man.

"WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?" He was extremely angry at the implication his family came from lesser stock, even if it was obviously true. The person he should have been mad at was clearly Nidget and whatever lady of the night he laid down with that produced none shorty children. In the face of upsetting a mob boss by implying impure parentage I did the one thing I could think of, I doubled down.

"Might want to send the kids from the room dad if you are afraid of the truth being heard." He slapped me, very very hard. I fell backwards on the chair and he sent his men from the room, which is what I wanted.

"Is that because of your shortie blood you hit so weakly or it something else in your bloodline that makes you hit like a dancer?" That got his blood up, I heard him rack the slide on a pistol and I knew it was my time to act. I burned my cuffs off and heated the pistol up in his hand causing him to drop it on the ground. I rose from the seat and snatched him by the throat murder fully in my eyes.

"What do you want?" Previous bravado and anger was gone, this Pavarossi was not at all like Nidget.

"Some gods damned respect for a man who saved your dumb shit ancestor from being killed, two of them to be exact." Now this may have not been one of Nidget's progeny, but I took a guess and figured he probably was and I was right.

"Trezlan Lorentino? How you can't possibly be him." I knew Nidget would tell his dumb children to fear me, or at least respect me.

"Nidget would have told you people how I made it this far in life, and you would have been best listening to him." I let go of his neck.

"Tell your men you're fine, and we'll talk, go for your gun and you'll see Nidget sooner rather than later." He did as he was told and we talked. Well I want to say he talked, and I listened, but that goes without saying right? Right. Turns out as I suspected I found myself in the middle of a mob war, unfortunately for me it was a war no one knew who started, or what anyone wanted, so the best kind.

Ok So Too Many Suspects

"I hated the guy, I'm glad he's dead if he's dead, I don't trust you sir." This was the eighth person I'd spoken with that day that didn't A. Like Corine at all and B. didn't believe he was actually dead. You would think people would be more afraid of just disclosing this to someone, but apparently the story had gotten out I'd killed him and so I was liked/feared by just about everyone I talked to. I almost wished I had killed the guy if only so I could bask in the adulation for doing the act. But I had not and members of his crew wanted to kill me for something I hadn't actually done.

It probably wasn't doing me any favors to ask questions about his murder around town (I was initially worried about the police, but apparently they were all super corrupt in town which at least explained how the men in suits caught on to me so fast). I should always taper my dumb behaviors, but I always think that like a second before its too late. Like in this case I was just leaving a bakery someone had told me I could find a lead at when I was struck behind the head (why always the head? I swear if I didn't have necromancy I'd be worried about brain damage), the blow was a blinding hot wound that didn't knock me out, but made fighting really hard. So I just submitted. I was looking for more info and figured this was the best way (its a mob battle you have to talk to the mob and you can't just ask where the mob is, well you can but that wouldn't get you the mob, you have to like contact enough people they just show up and grab you, which was totally my plan after they grabbed me...)

Anyway all of this to say I wound up in another basement, handcuffed to another chair, and facing off against more people "Just asking questions" I swear every other gods damned week this is my routine!

That's Pretty Boss

"Can I help you?" The suits looked to be from the same tailor as the dead man which told me they were in the same outfit as the dead man, which probably wasn't a good thing for me. Unless of course they hated the dead man in which case it would have been a good thing for me. They did not in fact hate the man. There were three of them, the lead suit pushed me back into the dirty hole of a room, the other two watched the door.

"Who paid you to kill Corine?" You read that right the man who I found had a girls name, look I'm sorry it is a girls name!

"I didn't?" To say I was confused is an understatement.

"You didn't get paid? You did it for fun?"

"No idiot I didn't kill the man?" This got a punch to the face, but eh worth it. His fist was actually pretty soft for a man as large as he was, which told me he didn't do a lot of beatings himself (he also had well manicured nails something someone in the beating business doesn't).

"Smart mouths get smart hits." That didn't make any sense and the two suits at the doors seemingly perplexed looks said they didn't think it made sense either.

"I didn't kill your boss, but I will kill you if you insist on striking me." I am well past humoring idiots, well not always, but on that day in that crappy hotel room after the cop had already implied I was involved in the killing I was well past humoring him.

"Right a fisherman in a shitty hotel room who looks like he's all of fifteen years old, yeah I'm terrified of you." I forget after necromancy I don't look my age, well I never look my age because my actual age would put me way dead and in the ground, but you know what I mean, I don't look all dignified.

"Sure that's what I am, look I don't know who you guys are, and I already got this shit from the police, but I didn't kill your boss or Corine or whoever you suspect me of killing, I just fished him out of the river, I'm already stuck in your awful town until the police let me go, don't make this worse for me." I figured I stated my case well and that what I said should have resolved everything, the man in the suit did not and so he stuck a gun in my face.

"Don't leave town you piece of shit." And then he left, because its not like I said I was leaving town anyway! And so both cops and crooks didn't want me leaving town and contrary to all sense I didn't actually leave town, in fact because I'm an idiot I decided to try and find out who really did kill the idiot I was accused of killing so that I could leave town without worrying about getting killed, which actually increased my chance of being killed. Make sense? No? Well then read on!

Why Do You Suspect Me?

"So you're a homeless drifter who didn't know the victim and you fish but don't eat the fish and you happened to have fished up this person specifically even though no one else was around at the time, is that right?" The policeman who came to take my statement didn't exactly instill me with confidence in the investigation.

"Well when you put it like that."

"Mr. Lorentino you aren't exactly giving me a lot to go on here, other than you possibly killed this man and are now admitting to it."

"That's patently ridiculous, I mean look at the water damage to him, he's clearly been in the water a long time, and I just walked into this area within the last week. And if I did kill him I can set things on fire I would have just torched the body." Have I ever admitted I have a problem admitting things I shouldn't? Because I totally do.

"Don't leave town Mr. Lorentino." The policeman handed me his card and walked back to where the body was.

"Leave town? I'm not even in town? I don't even know where town is?" He didn't respond to me, and no one offered me a ride back to town, which meant I had to gather up my own things and find where town was (it was about a mile from where I was, but still I thought it was rude they told me not to leave but didn't at least offer to put me up or something?!) I had to check myself into a hotel (I went cheap I didn't exactly a bring a lot of money on my fishing trip).

The hotel was a one story building by the highway, it smelled like stale piss and failure. If there was ever a building that made you feel bad being near it, this was that building. The beds were barely beds. It was funny in a way that with all the modern conveniences this building was worse than several shittier inn's I'd be in hundreds of years prior. It was something I noted about the modern world, things got more complicated, but found all new ways to suck.

So it came as a bit of a surprise when I was sitting around in my crappy hotel room and three men in nice suits came calling. I didn't suspect they were police, I was just shocked that they had found me, and they wanted to talk. Well mostly talk, there was the threatening, but men in suits tend to do that, its part of their suit clad nature.

Fishing Up Trouble

I was alone on the bank, I'd actually been walking the river the past month camping outside society while I fished. It was calming and alarming. Alarming in that no one seemed to care about fishing anymore, or even witnessing the beauty of a river, and calming because I didn't have to deal with stupid dicks. If you've never fished in your life you'd think other fisherman would provide a sense of camaraderie or at the very least conversation. You'd be freaking wrong. Other fisherman are a nightmare, they come in two types, the person who never shuts up, or the person who is stupidly quiet and yells at you when you bother to mention anything. Of course the question you have to ask is "What type of fisherman are you Trezlan?" And I say I break the mold, I make polite conversation but also enjoy moments of quiet reflection... You see I'm unique its everyone else who's an asshole.

Anyway back to my point, I was alone on the bank just throwing my line in to the water (I was lure fishing that being repeated casts with a lure to entice a fish into striking my line) hoping for a bite when I hooked something pretty big. I could tell it was big because it damn near snapped my pole in half when I set the hook (there is a whole explanation of fishing I'm not giving you, you'll just have to deal I guess). I knew right away I probably didn't hook a fish, there wasn't any fight, it was mostly just drag, which usually implies like a log or something. Of course it turned out to be a body. I should have known it would.

From the look of it the guy had a rough check out as it were. He was shot and strangled, clothing was fairly nice what was left of it after the water and the fish had taken their due (seeing the missing flesh I was once again happy I fish for fun and not for eating). I of course was upset, because it meant A. My fishing was done for the day, and B. I had to call the police and get stuck in a conversation I didn't want to have, because that is my life, I went an entire month without police involvement and I catch one dead body and bam right back to it!

I should have known! Next time I'll choose a hobby with less chance of finding dead bodies, like sewing or digging holes. Ok that second one is not a hobby and would most likely find dead bodies better than fishing... MOVING ON!

There Must Be Something To Do

With Val in the hospital, Hanlon being Hanlon, and Xanthi on a hunting trip with some rich people (she didn't invite me at all! I taught her how to speak the language and she doesn't invite me on something she's good at and I'm really not? Rude that's what that is!) I had nothing to do! I didn't even have the hammer of doom that was the observer hanging over me. I mean I had my health, my hip was healed up thanks to necromancy, so I wasn't confined inside anymore, but I was extremely bored! I mean I'm a creature of habit, I bounce between one horrible thing and another, when I'm between calamity I feel weird. Its like when you are fishing and catching a bunch of fish right next to each other and then all of a sudden nothing, just a dead water moment. It comes off as something bad is about to happen (like a storm or some other event) and generally that's exactly what is coming.

But since I was bored as all get out and had no actual thing to do I did something I always wanted to do for a while. I went fishing. Yep I got my fishing gear out of where I'd been hiding it (I've lost all sorts of things over the centuries, but I've kept that fishing gear, it was/is my most important asset) and set out to fish my way into an adventure...

Ok well not really, I also got out some books and some camping equipment and mainly just planned to read, write some, and fish a lot. In fact a lot of my entries from earlier were written while I was on this very trip, there was so little to do I just wrote and wrote, its why I never mentioned what I was doing while I was writing those entries because there wasn't anything to really report for a while. All told I actually got a good solid month of fishing before anything of note actually happened. I know I was completely stunned at the time. Well I think it was more completely drunk and placated at the time, but you know some say one thing, some say the other! Next entry as usual!

Can't Tell If You Are Serious

"So it was me all along I was so relieved." We were at Valrym's bar even though he was not in attendance, Hanlon of course was across from me its not like I could tell my secret to anyone else. Aside from a homeless person because no one believes those poor guys (I swear you lose your house and people think you are some kind of forever broken person I know when I've gotten pretty drunk the looks people give you would just make you feel rotten, anyway getting off target).

"Or that's what it wanted you to think." Hanlon as always really reassuring.

"You know I don't know why I invited you to lunch, you always just say things that make me feel bad, and that's what I like to do to others."

"You realize that makes you sound pretty..."

"I know what I said!" I get frustrated when dealing with Hanlon if that wasn't clear. Like I know he's super powerful and creepy, but he's also incredibly hard to deal with and can get under my skin. Just being in the same room with him makes me feel like I should confess to crimes he has that effect.

"I'm just saying that I'm glad the observer is gone, it might have discovered what I was up to and I can't have that." He got up with that line and left because he's Hanlon and screwing with me is his hobby. I didn't even know if he was telling the truth and it's probably better that way. Mostly, hopefully. Oh gods I hope I don't get drug into his bullshit, lords watch over me. Anyway that was my last issue with the Observer so far, so all is well on the Hanlon isn't going to get me winked out of existence front, so far.

Feeling Used, So Normal

I was wondering how I would call up the observer to tell him of my failure, or at least try and claim it was the stupid kids who somehow were causing all the problems, but since he was waiting for me when I opened the door all those questions were answered. I then tried to come up with a plausible lie, maybe he was easy to deceive? I mean he claimed to be an observer, but he wouldn't be the first person to simply lie about their ability just because they were different from everyone else. And then I remembered he could read my mind and I knew I had just screwed myself.

"Your deception wouldn't have worked anyway just to say." I hate people who are smugly right, especially when they are right.

"Well so you know I failed so I guess I'm to be destroyed." Resignation in the face of defeat my common response.

"Failed? No you didn't fail, you showed me that yes the death magic is just a result of your continued existence and not some overall problem in this particular city, you are no more about to be destroyed than your normal day, which might suggest yes you will be, but not by me." And like that my interaction with him was gone. I was left to just sit there in my office feeling like a fool. He apparently wanted me to walk around the city proving to him that it was just a residue of me and not a greater threat, why he didn't just tell me that? I dunno greater being are just as petty and dickish as the gods I deal with.

On the plus I did get a forgotten volume of my early works removed from the world, so that was good. As a negative I had to get kidnapped and inconvenienced for a bit. So you know over all a normal Trezlan kind of affair.

Cult Party For Crazy, Cult Party For Crazy

I clapped, it was all I really had left at this point so I figured why not go all in and really throw the cultists off. I mean when someone shows up at your evil death magic party and they clap that's got to make you wonder who they are and what they are doing there. Also how nutty they must be to find whatever you are doing something worthy of clapping. It was part of my shock and confuse plan that I just made up now. It did work the wannabe necromancers all turned completely confused by the sound of clapping.

"Wonderful, just wonderful, I've seen failures before, but this? This is just a fantastic example of dangerous and uncoordinated, its like watching a baby play with a stick of dynamite." It wasn't exactly wrong, they were using death magic very poorly, but not without power, it was surprising they hadn't all killed themselves. There were six of them, only one looked old enough to even work at the hospital, I assumed he was the leader, the sex split was four males and two females, I suspected this was just an attempt to get into the two women's pants.

"Stay back or we'll kill you." The leader flexed their necromantic muscle and I was kind of saddened at the attempt, he was just trying to show he had power, but all he really showed was how unprepared he was. Like I could see the energy almost rise up and wipe him out.

"Oh I'm staying far back, I just wanted to warn you of your buffoonery before you blow yourselves up." Their inability to cast concentrated necromancy explained why I didn't pick up on it earlier, but it also didn't explain death magic all over the city, because no way could these goof have pulled that off with the limited magic they had in cadavers.

"We're powerful necromancers!" One of the women spoke and I laughed.

"Honey you're a lot of things, but a powerful necromancer? Highly unlikely, here I'll show you." They tensed up, but I didn't want to kill them it would hurt my concience, so I just undid their spell with a wave of my hand. To see the look on their face it was like I killed their puppy.

"What did you do?" The voice was like a teenager who just lost the family horse (look I haven't picked up the new lingo of cars or whatever work with me).

"Showed you how little you know with the power you are messing around with, now give me all your shit and get out of here before I call your parents." I didn't actually know who these idiots parents were, but that was a lot better than "Now get out of here before I show you what a real necromancer can do." Hilariously they did exactly what I told them to do. They gave me their things and left, it actually explained how they got into necromancy, apparently I had forgotten a certain cache of my random musings hundreds of years ago and these idiots had stumbled into it. So they literally were reading stuff I had wrote about using the dead for necromantic power (apparently looking back at my own work, I was close to blowing myself up with this untapped stupidity, the things you learn about your past dumb self, oh the hundreds my most silly century)

I left out of the morgue, making sure to tell the administrators about their trap door to an evil lair (awkward conversation let me tell you, everyone keeps thinking your a necrophile when you say you just came from the morgue and found something interesting). And went home defeated. Sure I found some death magic, but nowhere near the level that the observer was looking for, so I kind of drug my feet coming home for fear he'd be waiting for me. And he was, which means I should have just not gone home like I normally do. Thankfully everything worked out.. Well mostly.

Stumbled Into A Problem

I hate trap doors, and not just because for some odd reason I have a tendency to fall down them. I hate them because they are stupid AND because I have a tendency to fall down them. Like why would you disguise a basement under ground with a door that can be fallen down? Other than you being a horrible asshole of course? Something should either be a hidden wall panel or clearly marked, I don't think this is asking too much!

Falling down a trap door hurts, because you kind of hit the ladder before you slam into the ground so you get the worst of both kinds of falls, a straight drop and a smash into things on the way down. As I collided with the ground I cursed the luck of my new invigorated body getting newly banged up (didn't break anything but I was sore for at least a few days after this). At least the evil necromnancer cave had good lighting (regular lights, I'm guessing because torches while more to the aesthetic they were going for would alert people to fire being below in the morgue). I followed the lighting down a hallway and into a large chamber where there was all kinds of weird chanting going on (I say weird because again I speak all kinds of language and I'm one of the oldest necromancers living and I couldn't understand any of this and it certainly didn't seem to be a spell I'd ever heard of). I was very sad it was another stupid cult, because as I have said so many times in the past I hate cults. I hate cults so much.

My hate of cults is really a life long affair. I think I'll probably end up dead to a cult because I keep running into them in literally every aspect of my life. At some point I'm probably going to run into a cult of people who worship breakfast, and then we'll come into conflict over the proper way to butter toast and this will be a soul crushing affair.

Anyway I'll get to the cult shenanigans next entry, I'm cutting the entry today short because hilariously I have an animal trap latched on to my leg and I'm trying to dislodge it. Yes I know it seems silly to write an entry despite this obvious handicap, such is my dedication to you little journal!

And yet Nothing I wanted Got Done

"Next time you stumble into a kidnapping plot, call the police do not blow up buildings and shoot people." Detective Chandler was none to pleased I had called him when I got arrested, considerably less so he had to effectively alibi me, which as I am to understand it was basically "he's a shit heel, but not responsible for this because of that."

"I'll remember that when I'm locked up without a phone, how is Valrym?" The little man as barely breathing when we left, he was in pretty bad shape last I saw him before they locked me up.

"In a hospital, most likely he'll recover, he seems to have a hardy constitution, I see your up and moving around better I worry because you literally were limping this morning and now you are not, and no I don't want to know, your file is full of stuff like this." Chandler left me there getting my effects from the front desk (keys, wallet, weird rune stones I keep in my pockets even though they don't actually do anything). I figured I should visit Val in the hospital if only to make the doctors gasp how I was walking better without their bullshit help (I am a petty person, how dare they try and heal me the normal way).

Val was staying in a decent room at the hospital, they had all kinds of tubes hooked up to him and bandages wrapped around him. There was at least one other person in the room who looked to be in worse shape, I almost for a moment thought of helping that guy along to the next life and healing Val, but I knew he'd be all anti necromancy despite it saving his life at least once. He wasn't awake when I came in so I sat in a nearby chair and waited for him to wake up. I'm sure having me sitting there when he woke was completely comforting and not scary, I even changed my clothes to my black suit to be all dressed nicely for him!

"Oh you did manage to live."

"That's a nice thing to say to someone who saved your life."

"After almost ending it."

"You don't recall that situation the right way at all, in fact I believe I warned you about standing near that door shortly before it blew up." I could hear a muffled sound from the other man in the room, I forget that normals don't like hearing about my adventures like I enjoy telling them.

"Get out I'm in pain and you're making it worse." I would have stayed but since Valrym was being an ass and I still had to figure out what was causing the death magic I figured it was best to go. Ok well I was going to totally leave the hospital, but I got a scent of death in the air and decided I could spare a moment to look into it (it was of course after all what I was supposed to be doing in the first place prior to being kidnapped). I descended into the morgue like someone following a really good food scent (except in this case the food was death magic, and the scent was rancid, death even in magical form stinks). I should have known that of course a land of death would have death magic in it, but I guess for me it was the combination of modern medical care and old school horrible magic that I hadn't though they would mix together.

The morgue was empty, but the smell lingered (and not just the dead bodies even though they were rank, including the two I had added). I almost wondered if it was some kind of after effect of my own necromancy, and then I stumbled into the real reason. And by that I mean I literally fell down a trap door into a lair of dark magic. What can I say I'm clumsy lucky, like one time I misplaced my keys until I stepped on them, sure I had to get like six shots due to diseases I can't pronounce, but I found my gods damned keys! Of course stumbling into a lair of death magic is a lot worse for you than finding your keys I'll admit.

A Math Lesson In Willingness

The shell hit the ground with a tink, a bouncing clatter that was almost imperceptible compared to the roar of the shotgun as it fired. I remember the shell hitting the ground before the ringing in my ears made it hard to hear anything else. Its one thing people forget about firing guns in enclosed rooms, the noise is tremendous (and by people I mean me because holy crap). The lead guy hit the ground in a slump, whatever the shotgun had been loaded with one shot to the chest did the job of killing him without difficulty. The rest of the men were stunned, or I think they were, I couldn't hear a gods damned thing as I said I deafened myself. Eventually my hearing returned, the surviving non leader of their group was shouting something at me.

"There are four of us and one of you!" This seemed like the hollowest of threats considering they hadn't killed me after I directly killed one of them already.

"And I'm sure I've got four more shells to kill you with." Where as my threat was very much a real thing since I'd already killed two people (the leader plus poor Phil). They started backing up and I knew I had won. See that was the difference between me and others, most of the normals hadn't crossed the line into murder, where as for me that's just another day (something that is sad to admit but here I am). The kidnappers left, and I was able to get Valrym to his feet and moving. We emerged from the basement at someones house in the suburbs thankfully the police were already called due to the explosion. Unfortunately they wanted to talk to me about the two dead bodies inside (the jerks!)

So it was another normal day in the life of Trezlan Lorentino.

Doors The Enemy of Everyone

"Don't stand so close to the door." I had moved away from it myself because it was warm and it still pissed me off. Val was waiting for it to cool down to try the handle, but he was too close to it, I warned him out of a sense the door was dangerous because I apparently can tell the future.

"Why planning on making it even more super heated? Perhaps set me on fire while you are it trapping us more in here than we already are?" Valrym was not letting it go, I tell you some people don't understand clear mistakes. Those people also don't understand how even though you don't apologize, you clearly feel bad. Even though you never say you feel bad, and in fact do the opposite. People should just know that even though I show no signs of contrition I feel it, somewhere, maybe around my butt, but its there in a place I like to not think about.  See I'm very contrite.

Anyway shortly after Val was an idiot the door exploded. Like literally exploded. I recall looking down at my hands thinking that my fire magic had evolved after all these years into being able to transfer kinetic energy into things (and how awesome would that power be? totally awesome) but alas no as the dust cleared I could see the kidnappers standing there in the smoke guns raised. Valrym was blown with the door to the other side of the room he was still breathing but in bad shape.

"Who am I going to kill for that little stunt?" They had guns and explosives, I had a shotgun and fading magical ability. They were so screwed! Not really, but you know I like to think of myself highly!

Ahh Doors My Greatest Enemy

I'll admit it had been years since I'd tried to simply burn a door off its locks, but I had no freaking clue that construction methods had made this almost freaking impossible! Ordinarily I would hit the hinges, but they were on the other side of this gods damned metal monstrosity. I could have tried to blast through the stone, but by the time I'd thought about that I was pretty used up power wise and burgeoning on corruption (you ever tried to lift something that was in theory small, and should have been liftable, but then turns out its actually quite heavy and your attempt to lift it you almost hurt yourself? it was like that). Frustrated at the super heated door in front of me I slumped down defeated.

"Did you even try the handle?"

"No they locked it, or I'm sure they locked it, or with all the fire I used on it its pretty well and sealed now." He frowned at me.

"So in your impatience you trapped us in here when I believe you have told me in the past you actually know how to pick a lock fairly well."

"I killed a man for you Val and this is how you treat me?"

"Like a petulant child who got us trapped in a room? Yes." I grumbled some more about him being a stupid jerk. I also didn't check the body of Phil to see if he had a key to the door, he didn't, but you know I didn't look.

"Yes I trapped us in this room, at least for a day or so when I recover more magically and can..."

"Oh for gods sake." He slumped down now and I felt sort of bad, but not really because look this was Val's fault anyway... Don't think that through just accept the logic and move on!

Relax You Won't Die Probably

"So what do they want money?" I assumed money, but I dunno Val is a bit of a recluse, he could be sitting on a pile of artifacts or the secret to the greatest beer in the world or something.

"Yes they want money Trezlan, what else do people want?"

"Several things, I could give you a list of things I've been asked for over the years, never love though, never been kidnapped for love, but you know what they say never say..."

"Trezlan get to the damn point."

"Why don't you just give them the money and we walk out of her." Grunty who I named Phil despite it probably not being his name seemed to lean in when I suggested just paying them.

"Did you set this up? Is this your way of robbing me Trezlan?"

"No? That's silly I need your help with this death magic thing, but if I was going to rob you I wouldn't have involved idiots like Phil over there, I'd have just killed you and taken your money." Phil did not like that statement one bit.

"Well I don't have any money, I told these assholes that and they punched me."

"You don't have any money?"'

"Not the amount they are looking for, they apparently have a mistaken impression on how much a bar owner really makes in this town. And even if I did have the money as soon as I give it to them they'd kill us." I shrugged.

"Are you really going to kill me phil? After all we've been through."

"My name's not Phil." It was the first thing Phil had said to me the entire time I'd been there, in a way it was heartening, shame it was the last thing he'd say. I burned through my shackles and while it really hurt my wrists to do that I knew I wouldn't be in pain for long. Phil stood up out of his chair at my suddenly being free and leveled his shotgun at me, but fell to the ground a desiccated husk shortly after standing.

"Phil, if only you'd have let me go when I asked you to an hour ago." I felt better, my hip was nog longer busted and I had a shotgun. It was like being a brand new man all over again.

"There are times Trezlan I'm in awe and terror of you as a person." Val of course had to ruin the moment.

"Said every woman I've ever dated Val, now come on lets go deal with your kidnappers." What I should have said is "Lets deal with the stupid heavy iron gods damned door that will not freaking open nor would it simply burn." But these are things you learn after hours of effort later.