There are very many downsides to having to take a piss every five minutes. It makes riding a horse for very long distances an absolute pain in the ass. It makes you feel like you never get fully drained as it were, and you are constantly looking for shrubs or out of the way places you can urinate that won't cause people to freak out and scream you are some kind of pervert (I never get this one, I mean its clear what you are doing, why is it my fault you're all scared of seeing a mans penis, there is nothing perverted about peeing! If anything they are the perverts for staring!)
Occaisionally though taking frequent pisses can be beneficial. As in people don't see you there by a tree taking a leak and trying not to scream in pain (thankfully the most painful parts of the infection were over, I was down to just the frequent urination parts). And that's how I came to be behind a tree when the priest of the followers of fire stumbled by and started to pee on the very same tree (different sides and shrubbery divided us, how they missed my horse will be a question for the ages). And then as luck would have it I got to overhear all about the evil plan that had locked up Nidget and Andre.
I'll go into it more in tomorrows entry, sadly today I'm very busy with the shop and someone just came in claiming I killed his family, its going to be a long long day.
Tuesday, July 9, 2013
Monday, July 8, 2013
Its Just Putting a lot of Pressure On Me
"So I still have the bladder infection, its beginning to look like Nidget is really missing and not just like fake missing, Andre is also missing and his church is brushing me off so its more likely that they are involved, which would mark one of the first times it was Andre's fault Nidget was missing instead of Nidget's fault, and I'm really trying to figure out if I care enough about either of them to try hard to save them or if I should just stay at the store and actually do my business instead of running off to get involved in something that will most likely get resolved without me. Wow you're a really good listener."
"Can I buy that gun now?" I'd been talking to someone I assumed had been listening, but it was clear he wasn't by his insistance on simply just purchasing a weapon instead of offering a solution to my problems!
"Yeah sure whatever give me my money and get out."
"I'm going to kill my neighbor with it, is that a problem?"
"Am I your neighbor?"
"No."
"Then no." I've admitted before I'm an asshole right? Because I am (he did kill his neighbor and then he got hung and I got my pistol back at an auction for less than half of what he paid for it, got to love this government!). It was this callous disregard for human life that told me I should go find Nidget. Yep that was it, not that a guy just killed someone in town after I sold him a pistol he specifically told me he'd use on someone else.
Yep.
"Can I buy that gun now?" I'd been talking to someone I assumed had been listening, but it was clear he wasn't by his insistance on simply just purchasing a weapon instead of offering a solution to my problems!
"Yeah sure whatever give me my money and get out."
"I'm going to kill my neighbor with it, is that a problem?"
"Am I your neighbor?"
"No."
"Then no." I've admitted before I'm an asshole right? Because I am (he did kill his neighbor and then he got hung and I got my pistol back at an auction for less than half of what he paid for it, got to love this government!). It was this callous disregard for human life that told me I should go find Nidget. Yep that was it, not that a guy just killed someone in town after I sold him a pistol he specifically told me he'd use on someone else.
Yep.
Friday, July 5, 2013
Followers of Unhelpful Dicks
"You sure you guys don't some kind of bladder remedy?" The followers of fire shouldn't have been so offended by the question, I mean I was literally asking everyone in town, even the transients who drink their own urine (I think they do, I don't know what transients do!)
"Mr. Lorentino the followers thank you for all you have done for us, but no we are not some apothecary with a bladder remedy, I've heard you drink lots of water and just deal with it."
"THAT JUST MAKES IT WORSE!" I tell you everyone's advice for that infection was the worst advice ever. Like at that point I would have taken "You have to sever your penis and reattach it" as real advice, it was that bad.
"Perhaps this should teach you something about your life choices Mr. Lorentino, now if you have no further inquiries I have business I have to get to." He went to go back into the church and I grabbed his arm which ordinarily would be a bad move for a religion that believes in combat, but he looked about ninety pounds soaking wet and I could probably knock him out with a strong breeze.
"I'm looking for a friend of mine Adreyev Maristus." Sure I lead off with my bladder infection, but that was to throw them off about my true goal! See you just can't ask someone about what you are there for, you have to lunge and feint a little bit, give and take, bullshit and mislead!
"I've never heard of that man before, release my arm Lorentino." You can't lie to a liar (well you can but its a bad idea) also its really stupid to lie about someone who is very devoutly a member of your religion even if you think that I personally am an idiot (which he totally did the dick).
"Seriously thats what you are going to say? Come on he owes me some money I know you guys are hiding him, but I'll promise I'll just have him do some heavy lifting and that would be the end of it." He went inside and two large men convinced me it was not worth my time to continue to ask questions. So what I thought was just some simple Nidget got lost in the woods crap, was now turning into another stupid conspiracy with the followers of fire, because of course it was. I've commented on my poor luck before, but it just never ends. And this is why I only believe in the church of Lorentino!
"Mr. Lorentino the followers thank you for all you have done for us, but no we are not some apothecary with a bladder remedy, I've heard you drink lots of water and just deal with it."
"THAT JUST MAKES IT WORSE!" I tell you everyone's advice for that infection was the worst advice ever. Like at that point I would have taken "You have to sever your penis and reattach it" as real advice, it was that bad.
"Perhaps this should teach you something about your life choices Mr. Lorentino, now if you have no further inquiries I have business I have to get to." He went to go back into the church and I grabbed his arm which ordinarily would be a bad move for a religion that believes in combat, but he looked about ninety pounds soaking wet and I could probably knock him out with a strong breeze.
"I'm looking for a friend of mine Adreyev Maristus." Sure I lead off with my bladder infection, but that was to throw them off about my true goal! See you just can't ask someone about what you are there for, you have to lunge and feint a little bit, give and take, bullshit and mislead!
"I've never heard of that man before, release my arm Lorentino." You can't lie to a liar (well you can but its a bad idea) also its really stupid to lie about someone who is very devoutly a member of your religion even if you think that I personally am an idiot (which he totally did the dick).
"Seriously thats what you are going to say? Come on he owes me some money I know you guys are hiding him, but I'll promise I'll just have him do some heavy lifting and that would be the end of it." He went inside and two large men convinced me it was not worth my time to continue to ask questions. So what I thought was just some simple Nidget got lost in the woods crap, was now turning into another stupid conspiracy with the followers of fire, because of course it was. I've commented on my poor luck before, but it just never ends. And this is why I only believe in the church of Lorentino!
Thursday, July 4, 2013
You Say Missing Like Its a Bad Thing
"And that's when I knew something was up." Two urinations later the land lady had finished her story (I measured time in peeing, it seemed appropriate).
"So Nidget has been gone for a week and you think something bad happened to him?" Honestly I'm surprised she even noticed he was gone for a week, I certainly don't.
"Mr. Lorentino I know you and Nidget have a strained relationship, but I know he's a good shorty, he pays his rent on time and helps me with my garbage, I know when he's on vacation or helping you out, this is neither of those things. His roommate is also missing and the Followers of Fire are suspiciously quiet about that as well." Strained was putting it mildly, still I do owe the stupid Pavorossi family somewhat (and they owe me!) and if someone was going to torture or abuse Nidget that should again be me! Still the church not pitching in and looking for one of their disciples also made the situation odd to say the least.
So against my better interest I decided to look into Nidget and Andre's disappearence. Because I'm an idiot, this has been proven so many times I forget that I proved it before and seek about proving it again. On the plus side I did get to pee on new and interesting things, yes this is one of the very few plus sides that came about because of this.
"So Nidget has been gone for a week and you think something bad happened to him?" Honestly I'm surprised she even noticed he was gone for a week, I certainly don't.
"Mr. Lorentino I know you and Nidget have a strained relationship, but I know he's a good shorty, he pays his rent on time and helps me with my garbage, I know when he's on vacation or helping you out, this is neither of those things. His roommate is also missing and the Followers of Fire are suspiciously quiet about that as well." Strained was putting it mildly, still I do owe the stupid Pavorossi family somewhat (and they owe me!) and if someone was going to torture or abuse Nidget that should again be me! Still the church not pitching in and looking for one of their disciples also made the situation odd to say the least.
So against my better interest I decided to look into Nidget and Andre's disappearence. Because I'm an idiot, this has been proven so many times I forget that I proved it before and seek about proving it again. On the plus side I did get to pee on new and interesting things, yes this is one of the very few plus sides that came about because of this.
Wednesday, July 3, 2013
Unhelpful Commentary
"Where's your apprentice?" Therod opened with the best way to get me admit to a potential murder (two men go off into the wilderness one returns, you do the math!).
"If you are implying I killed him then I'd have to be really stupid to admit to it to you."
"So you killed him?" The cutting nature of her insult burned me!
"Can you go away? Everytime I pee its like agony and as hilarious to me as it would be to have you standing there while I urinate even I believe in decency." I was standing behind the counter, but again, deceny taking a piss while talking to people is rude. I HAVE MY LIMITS!
"What did you drink the beer at Bandit town or something?" She meant it as a joke but seeing my look she realized that I had in fact drank the beer there (and why did a law enforcement person know of a town of bandits but not go there and break it up? I am beginning to wonder about Therod's committment to enforcing laws!) "Wow that's stupid even for you Lorentino."
"I'm glad that my misery is something you can laugh at, I'll recall this the next time you are in dire need of my help."
"Ok so you'll recall this never?"
"Valrym told me the same thing, your jokes are all used!"
"I'll try and be more funny the next time you self injure, also make sure to drink plenty of fluid I hear that clears up infections." This is a damned lie it just means you pee more often and in more pain, people who tell you it clears things up are assholes! Therod left without even really admitting what she was there for (supposedly it was looking for Aelanes, but I think she just heard I was in pain and wanted to add to it!) The door bell rang again (I have a bell right over my door, did I ever say I did that? Because I totally did). I figured it would be Nidget coming in to bother me (because misery comes in threes, well fours in this case if the bladder infection was the first number, you know what nevermind!) But instead it was Nidget's land lady (yeah he rents shocking I know, in your face people who don't own property!).
"Have you seen Nidget?" And that is when I knew things had taken a turn for the worst, well worster I did have that damned bladder infection. On the plus I did learn how to pee while riding a horse, this comes into play later in this story, no I'm not joking!
"If you are implying I killed him then I'd have to be really stupid to admit to it to you."
"So you killed him?" The cutting nature of her insult burned me!
"Can you go away? Everytime I pee its like agony and as hilarious to me as it would be to have you standing there while I urinate even I believe in decency." I was standing behind the counter, but again, deceny taking a piss while talking to people is rude. I HAVE MY LIMITS!
"What did you drink the beer at Bandit town or something?" She meant it as a joke but seeing my look she realized that I had in fact drank the beer there (and why did a law enforcement person know of a town of bandits but not go there and break it up? I am beginning to wonder about Therod's committment to enforcing laws!) "Wow that's stupid even for you Lorentino."
"I'm glad that my misery is something you can laugh at, I'll recall this the next time you are in dire need of my help."
"Ok so you'll recall this never?"
"Valrym told me the same thing, your jokes are all used!"
"I'll try and be more funny the next time you self injure, also make sure to drink plenty of fluid I hear that clears up infections." This is a damned lie it just means you pee more often and in more pain, people who tell you it clears things up are assholes! Therod left without even really admitting what she was there for (supposedly it was looking for Aelanes, but I think she just heard I was in pain and wanted to add to it!) The door bell rang again (I have a bell right over my door, did I ever say I did that? Because I totally did). I figured it would be Nidget coming in to bother me (because misery comes in threes, well fours in this case if the bladder infection was the first number, you know what nevermind!) But instead it was Nidget's land lady (yeah he rents shocking I know, in your face people who don't own property!).
"Have you seen Nidget?" And that is when I knew things had taken a turn for the worst, well worster I did have that damned bladder infection. On the plus I did learn how to pee while riding a horse, this comes into play later in this story, no I'm not joking!
Tuesday, July 2, 2013
Urination Of The Damned
"You have to know something that deals with this!" This was week two of my bladder infection, I'd resorted to begging Valrym for help, as you could assume from my statement he was less than forthcoming.
"Even if I did, which I don't, why would I help you? You obviously did this to yourself." Valrym can be such a dick when you ask for his help, such a dick.
"I'm in pain Val, I have to pee so often, and everytime I do its like peeing heated spikes." Honestly I just started using an old vase to pee into when I was at my shop. I'm sure the vase was really expensive to use as a pee holder, but I'll be damned if it didn't do the job really well (don't worry when I sold it I totally didn't clean it out and told them it was some ancient blah blah's ritual magic container).
"Good, I hope it lasts a while, its nice that your stupidity is coming back to harm you for once."
"You're a real peach Val, I'll remember this next time you're in trouble and need my help."
"I'm sure I'll be all broken up when that never happens." I left in a huff and sought out a healer (none would treat me, something about being a dick or something I dunno I wasn't paying too much attention between having to pee right away again). Several people say this is what I have coming to me, but you know what those people are asses. If anything this is just setting up that I'll do nothing to help them the next time the town is under attack from something I brought to it! HA! IN YOUR FACE PEOPLE WHO WON'T HELP ME!
The only way it could get worse was if Therod swung by, and wouldn't you know it... SHE DID I SHOULD NEVER SAY THIS CAN NEVER GET WORSE!
"Even if I did, which I don't, why would I help you? You obviously did this to yourself." Valrym can be such a dick when you ask for his help, such a dick.
"I'm in pain Val, I have to pee so often, and everytime I do its like peeing heated spikes." Honestly I just started using an old vase to pee into when I was at my shop. I'm sure the vase was really expensive to use as a pee holder, but I'll be damned if it didn't do the job really well (don't worry when I sold it I totally didn't clean it out and told them it was some ancient blah blah's ritual magic container).
"Good, I hope it lasts a while, its nice that your stupidity is coming back to harm you for once."
"You're a real peach Val, I'll remember this next time you're in trouble and need my help."
"I'm sure I'll be all broken up when that never happens." I left in a huff and sought out a healer (none would treat me, something about being a dick or something I dunno I wasn't paying too much attention between having to pee right away again). Several people say this is what I have coming to me, but you know what those people are asses. If anything this is just setting up that I'll do nothing to help them the next time the town is under attack from something I brought to it! HA! IN YOUR FACE PEOPLE WHO WON'T HELP ME!
The only way it could get worse was if Therod swung by, and wouldn't you know it... SHE DID I SHOULD NEVER SAY THIS CAN NEVER GET WORSE!
Monday, July 1, 2013
Disciples of Morley
"... And so I became his disciple first." I think this is where I left off (yes I'm aware it is not, yes I can read previous entries even if it appears at times I can not from how often I spell places and people differently you try reading my handwriting, wait shit you are, nevermind).
"So this was all a scam to kill me? Damn that Morley." To be honest I was more upset that he seemingly came up with this plan first thus negating my ability to use it against him.
"And this is why I left you chained up." Again not building my confidence with a statement like that, "I have no intention of killing you Trezlan, I do want to learn from you, I just learned from Morley first, figured out unlike what he was saying he was not your associate and instead wanted me to kill you and so I learned of necromancy, learned of your rituals and was able to destroy Sidir and his men, but again have no intention of killing you." With that he sliced my chains off the wall and then handed me the key to free myself. Now I had to suppress the urge to to kill him on prinicipal (despite him freeing me and telling me he was associated with Morley, he had still worked for Morley at one point and therefore was not trustworthy, note I have also worked with Morley and yes this also makes me untrustworthy, but since I'm the one making that statement I just admitted I don't even trust myself, boom take that mental health).
"So where do we go from here?" I knew where I wanted to go, anywhere but where we were, but I had to make certain what Aelanes wanted before I had to judge if I had to kill him or not.
"Our seperate ways I figure, I have learned enough from you to continue on with my own life, and I figure since you will not trust me because of my association with Morley its best that I leave now before your insecurity causes you to come after me and ultimately cost you your life." I like the confidence this kid has in the belief he could kill me before I killed him. He was probably not wrong, probably. And so I lost my disciple (sort of, I have since found out my "son" has gone around righting wrongs, helping people etc etc, I say son because he has taken on my entirely made up last name, gods bless children you didn't actually have). It was probably for the best, outside of the Morley connection I'm sure I would have screwed up and killed Aelanes somehow anyway. Also I was a couple days short of a painful bladder infection and really having someone else around for that (especially someone who had warned you about the dangers of what you drank that gave it to you) would have just been annoying.
So yeah I now knew another person who could potentially live forever along with me, I'm telling you I keep accumulating these people like some kind of perpetual life disease. At least Aelanes didn't want to kill me, yet. I mean I am an asshole, and eventually everyone wants to kill their god, everyone. Which is why I don't worship one! Other than me, which kind of explains my suicidal behavior. Whoa I'm going to have to stop before I start having that conversation again. Till the next entry.
"So this was all a scam to kill me? Damn that Morley." To be honest I was more upset that he seemingly came up with this plan first thus negating my ability to use it against him.
"And this is why I left you chained up." Again not building my confidence with a statement like that, "I have no intention of killing you Trezlan, I do want to learn from you, I just learned from Morley first, figured out unlike what he was saying he was not your associate and instead wanted me to kill you and so I learned of necromancy, learned of your rituals and was able to destroy Sidir and his men, but again have no intention of killing you." With that he sliced my chains off the wall and then handed me the key to free myself. Now I had to suppress the urge to to kill him on prinicipal (despite him freeing me and telling me he was associated with Morley, he had still worked for Morley at one point and therefore was not trustworthy, note I have also worked with Morley and yes this also makes me untrustworthy, but since I'm the one making that statement I just admitted I don't even trust myself, boom take that mental health).
"So where do we go from here?" I knew where I wanted to go, anywhere but where we were, but I had to make certain what Aelanes wanted before I had to judge if I had to kill him or not.
"Our seperate ways I figure, I have learned enough from you to continue on with my own life, and I figure since you will not trust me because of my association with Morley its best that I leave now before your insecurity causes you to come after me and ultimately cost you your life." I like the confidence this kid has in the belief he could kill me before I killed him. He was probably not wrong, probably. And so I lost my disciple (sort of, I have since found out my "son" has gone around righting wrongs, helping people etc etc, I say son because he has taken on my entirely made up last name, gods bless children you didn't actually have). It was probably for the best, outside of the Morley connection I'm sure I would have screwed up and killed Aelanes somehow anyway. Also I was a couple days short of a painful bladder infection and really having someone else around for that (especially someone who had warned you about the dangers of what you drank that gave it to you) would have just been annoying.
So yeah I now knew another person who could potentially live forever along with me, I'm telling you I keep accumulating these people like some kind of perpetual life disease. At least Aelanes didn't want to kill me, yet. I mean I am an asshole, and eventually everyone wants to kill their god, everyone. Which is why I don't worship one! Other than me, which kind of explains my suicidal behavior. Whoa I'm going to have to stop before I start having that conversation again. Till the next entry.
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