I hate waiting. Its one of those things I've learned to deal with over the years (waiting to get out of jail, waiting for executions, waiting for people to die that I really hate), but I still hate it. Its one of those natural facets of life that becomes so bothersome you almost wonder how people who don't live forever deal with this annoyance. Clearly they must have some method in mind, but what it is I have no idea! So you can see me waiting for Nidget not to mess up my perfect plan I was a little bit miffed.
I mean ordinarily when I set a plan in motion, sometimes over a the course of years I patiently wait it out. I just sit back let time take its course and eventually I come out the victor (like this one time I drove a guy insane by tapping under his window for years, its unimportant why I did this, but now that he's in an insane asylum and I am not, clearly I'm the victor). But since Nidget is a damned idiot, and he was unarmed and completely unable to understand the nuance of my brilliance, I was more than a little worried. What was also amplifying my worry was the guard they had posted to watch over me, he was the trigger happy sort that should Nidget somehow over come the men posted to watch over him, his rearrival would only set the dumb ass off and I would end up getting shot (which would really put a damper on my day).
Needless to say I was more than a little worried when a knock at the door caused the man to jump. He didn't fire his pistol into me, but it was damn close. I swear some people need to learn to take things in stride! This young man definately was too high strung that much was certain! He should have taken lessons from me! I'm completely grounded at all times (yes yes I am). Anyway the knock at the door startled him and as he went to answer a sword impaled him through the wood. I guess he should have been more on guard than he was!
My heart sailed with my rescue and then sank when I saw it was somehow Therod who had saved me. Not that I didn't like the Captain or anything, just well I had hoped to get a look over the stolen goods once we had defeated the bandits and not have them all distributed back to the people they were stolen from. What? Look if something is taken from you, and then taken from the person who stole it its not like taking it from you! Unless of course that thing is mine then its always mine and whoever takes the takers is still taking from me. Make sense right?
Anyway Therod killed the jumpy bandit and set me free and that was the end of that. Oh you wanted more than that? Fine fine I'll write the next entry to tell you how that whole thing came out. Don't look at me like that journal reader you knew I had to put that rant about waiting in there earlier and now my hands are tired!
Friday, January 31, 2014
Thursday, January 30, 2014
In The Hall of Bad Plans This Would Be Enshrined
Nidget was sitting across from me, apparently the next phase of torture was visual. Staring at a naked Nidget was breaking me as a person. Like I could feel my resolve breaking, well played people, well played. Nidget didn't talk for a bit, he fidgeted looked uncomfortable and ultimately just kind of sulked. It was finally I who broke the silence.
"Nidget what are you doing here?"
"They think if we are in the same room together we'll talk about where you hide the money."
"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard of."
"And that is saying something Trezlan."
"I hate you so much Nidget." He growled at me. But then I came up with an idea, it wasn't a great idea, it wasn't even a very smart idea, but it was better than being beat and having water splashed on me.
"Nidget I can't believe you told them I keep the money in the sewers under my shop!" Nidget looked at me with his head tilted. "You fool now they have no reason to keep us alive outside of having to find out the combination." Nidget smiled I think he clued in to it.
"I'm not dying here to save your fortune of precious gems Trezlan! You were never going to save me anyway."
"NOW I CERTAINLY WON'T!" And with that they burst into the room all full of smiles and carted Nidget out. So my plan worked, sort of, I mean I had to now hope somehow Nidget would be able to overpower a group of bandits in the sewers and then come back and save me and Jandel. I had to admit it was a dumber plan than the ones the bandits tried to use on Nidget and me.
"Nidget what are you doing here?"
"They think if we are in the same room together we'll talk about where you hide the money."
"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard of."
"And that is saying something Trezlan."
"I hate you so much Nidget." He growled at me. But then I came up with an idea, it wasn't a great idea, it wasn't even a very smart idea, but it was better than being beat and having water splashed on me.
"Nidget I can't believe you told them I keep the money in the sewers under my shop!" Nidget looked at me with his head tilted. "You fool now they have no reason to keep us alive outside of having to find out the combination." Nidget smiled I think he clued in to it.
"I'm not dying here to save your fortune of precious gems Trezlan! You were never going to save me anyway."
"NOW I CERTAINLY WON'T!" And with that they burst into the room all full of smiles and carted Nidget out. So my plan worked, sort of, I mean I had to now hope somehow Nidget would be able to overpower a group of bandits in the sewers and then come back and save me and Jandel. I had to admit it was a dumber plan than the ones the bandits tried to use on Nidget and me.
Wednesday, January 29, 2014
Every Torture is the Same
I hate interrogations when I'm the one being interrogated. Because they all go similar ways. Threats of violence, offers of deals, polite threatening. I've done it all before! Its the one constant in hundreds of years of my life (which like everything else I keep doing says so many bad things about my life). So I knew these thugs would be no different, a bit of a beating, some weirdness (they threw water on me a lot? I have no idea why) and then their leader approached with his demands to seem more reasonable.
"Where is the money Lorentino before I shoot your dick off." Relatively reasonable, I mean it was better than the attempted drowning, bad rain storm, they were going for earlier.
"All around us my son." That got me pistol whipped, and it was glorious (the line not the pistol whipping, the pistol whipping was quite painful and ordinary).
"We know you are rich Lorentino, where are you hiding your money."
"Up my ass, just be gentle ok I had some spicey food the other night." I had not had some spicey food, but would prefer them to be gentle if they were going to look up my ass for it.
"Tough guy eh Lorentino."
"Not really I scream like a small child when hurt, I just don't want to give you my money, its mine." I thought it was a valid statement, the pistol whipping told me differently. Again relatively reasonable. They took me back to the room of throwing buckets of water and lighter non pistol whipping beatings. It was nice to know these guys were simple robbers/torturers, and not like elaborate planners of anything else. I had started to believe this was the worst coincidence in the world, that I was investigating a shooting and got robbed completely independent of that. Proving once and for all I have the worst luck in the damned world.
"Where is the money Lorentino before I shoot your dick off." Relatively reasonable, I mean it was better than the attempted drowning, bad rain storm, they were going for earlier.
"All around us my son." That got me pistol whipped, and it was glorious (the line not the pistol whipping, the pistol whipping was quite painful and ordinary).
"We know you are rich Lorentino, where are you hiding your money."
"Up my ass, just be gentle ok I had some spicey food the other night." I had not had some spicey food, but would prefer them to be gentle if they were going to look up my ass for it.
"Tough guy eh Lorentino."
"Not really I scream like a small child when hurt, I just don't want to give you my money, its mine." I thought it was a valid statement, the pistol whipping told me differently. Again relatively reasonable. They took me back to the room of throwing buckets of water and lighter non pistol whipping beatings. It was nice to know these guys were simple robbers/torturers, and not like elaborate planners of anything else. I had started to believe this was the worst coincidence in the world, that I was investigating a shooting and got robbed completely independent of that. Proving once and for all I have the worst luck in the damned world.
Tuesday, January 28, 2014
So Many Faults None of Them Mine
"This is both of your guys faults." We were restrained (me with the shackles from Jandel, Nidget and Jandel with several lengths of rope, Nidget was also stripped mostly naked apparently these guys had done their homework), what had lead to this was completely the fault of Nidget and Jandel and not at all my issue at all.
"I fail to see how this is my fault." Nidget of course did not see things that way, he never saw things that way, he could be blade deep in someone and still telling you he didn't kill them.
"Nor I Lorentino, if anything this is your fault." Jandel apparently went to the same school of blameless decision making! We were in what appeared to be a storeroom next to a crate of Hanlon weaponry recently stolen from my own damned shop. It was not enough to be robbed I had to be put next to the ill gotten gains!
"I fail to see how you two preventing me from just burning these morons to death is my fault."
"You shouldn't have listened to us obviously."
"Yeah seriously Trezlan you never listen to me normally why did you start now." There logic was of course gods damned flawless. It stammered me with its brilliance! I'm being completely serious.
"Well in the future should the situation present itself where I am being counseled by either of you two I will completely ignore it because clearly neither of you have a good idea EVER!" This is known as foreshadowing my friends. Eventually I was of course brought out of the store room to be presented to the man in charge, because my status demands that I must personally speak with leaders! Well that and they wanted to know where I hid my money and of course that meant they had to ask me personally. I like to think its more the former and less the latter for obvious reasons.
"I fail to see how this is my fault." Nidget of course did not see things that way, he never saw things that way, he could be blade deep in someone and still telling you he didn't kill them.
"Nor I Lorentino, if anything this is your fault." Jandel apparently went to the same school of blameless decision making! We were in what appeared to be a storeroom next to a crate of Hanlon weaponry recently stolen from my own damned shop. It was not enough to be robbed I had to be put next to the ill gotten gains!
"I fail to see how you two preventing me from just burning these morons to death is my fault."
"You shouldn't have listened to us obviously."
"Yeah seriously Trezlan you never listen to me normally why did you start now." There logic was of course gods damned flawless. It stammered me with its brilliance! I'm being completely serious.
"Well in the future should the situation present itself where I am being counseled by either of you two I will completely ignore it because clearly neither of you have a good idea EVER!" This is known as foreshadowing my friends. Eventually I was of course brought out of the store room to be presented to the man in charge, because my status demands that I must personally speak with leaders! Well that and they wanted to know where I hid my money and of course that meant they had to ask me personally. I like to think its more the former and less the latter for obvious reasons.
Monday, January 27, 2014
Pick on Someone Else Today!
"See as I said no weapon sales for well over six months." I had my ledgers out, and seeing all the red ink in them made me sad. Though of course I'd stolen quite a lot of things between my failure to sell things, so it all balanced out (yes the people/things were usually dead when I stole from them, but morally its still stealing! I almost feel bad you see).
"Is that what all this chicken scratch says? Good gods your hand writing is terrible." Jandel had sheathed her pistol but one hand absently played with it while she looked over my ledgers. I almost had to think that this guards woman was not exactly the steady hand of justice her boss was (which is saying something about how terrible law enforcement is, Therod flat out executes people on the street, legally of course but still!)
"Seriously Trezlan your hand writing is awful, its even worse in his journals." I swear everyone I know is a jerk, COMPLETE JERKS ALL AROUND!
"He has journals? Ooooh what do they say about me?" Nidget and Jandel went to go look over my private thoughts and I held out a hand preventing them from going into my small apartment.
"Guardswoman if you are done with your investigation I rather think you have over stayed your welcome!" I tried to be forceful, but neither Nidget nor Jandel looked that impressed. This is my damned life, I'm a destroyer of gods, explorer of the underworld, maker of deals with sketchy no exactly god creatures! And I'm treated at most like an annoyance for people to get through!
"I'm done when I say I'm done Lorentino, now step aside before I show you the full extent of my authority." I was about to express my civic duty to how that would be an abuse of authority when the little bell that was at my front door rang and a group of five rather rough looking gentleman made their way inside.
"We're closed!" Both Nidget and I shouted to them.
"That's fine, we're not here to buy anything." They brandished weapons and I sighed. Because my day was just getting worse!
"Is that what all this chicken scratch says? Good gods your hand writing is terrible." Jandel had sheathed her pistol but one hand absently played with it while she looked over my ledgers. I almost had to think that this guards woman was not exactly the steady hand of justice her boss was (which is saying something about how terrible law enforcement is, Therod flat out executes people on the street, legally of course but still!)
"Seriously Trezlan your hand writing is awful, its even worse in his journals." I swear everyone I know is a jerk, COMPLETE JERKS ALL AROUND!
"He has journals? Ooooh what do they say about me?" Nidget and Jandel went to go look over my private thoughts and I held out a hand preventing them from going into my small apartment.
"Guardswoman if you are done with your investigation I rather think you have over stayed your welcome!" I tried to be forceful, but neither Nidget nor Jandel looked that impressed. This is my damned life, I'm a destroyer of gods, explorer of the underworld, maker of deals with sketchy no exactly god creatures! And I'm treated at most like an annoyance for people to get through!
"I'm done when I say I'm done Lorentino, now step aside before I show you the full extent of my authority." I was about to express my civic duty to how that would be an abuse of authority when the little bell that was at my front door rang and a group of five rather rough looking gentleman made their way inside.
"We're closed!" Both Nidget and I shouted to them.
"That's fine, we're not here to buy anything." They brandished weapons and I sighed. Because my day was just getting worse!
Friday, January 24, 2014
Investigating Things Is Harder Than It Looks
"Ok so she was shot from here based on the blood over here, and that means." I was standing near the alley where Therod got shot, it was kind of dirty and a bunch of people had already ran through it, but I was confident we could find out what had happened.
"That she could see the shooter!" Nidget was my assistant in this, even though he's a damned idiot.
"Unless her back was turned." I'll admit not knowing where Therod was when she got shot, or where the bullet hit, or even what had lead up to the incident was slowing us down in our investigation. I'll also admit I have no idea why we were the ones investigating, I thought Therod had her own group of Guard members to do that.
"What are you two idiots doing?" And that's when we found out she in fact did. Jandel Lemond was shorter than Therod and had blond hair to Therod's red. But she made up for her height with two pistols one of which she had drawn pointing at Nidget and myself.
"Solving crimes!" Nidget sounded way more excited than I did. I put my hand over my face because of his excitement.
"More like messing up the evidence, Lorentino were you involved in this?"
"ME? Why not Nidget? He's the idiot who drug me over here." See local law is always thinking I'm involved.
"Captain was shot with a Hanlon revolver, you sell Hanlon products, ergo you probably sold the pistol." Flawless logic.
"Unless they bought that pistol a long time ago it couldn't have been me I haven't sold anything in a while my receipts show that woeful fact." A side effect of Nidget bailing on me to do Nidget things, and me being a terrible store owner.
"Show me." And so under threat of pistol I was brought back to my store and away from the actual crime! But before I left I made sure to take some of Therod's blood while Jandel was distracted with Nidget. Not for any investigation, just in case she lived and started to piss me off I could work some necromantic magic on her. Yes I'm an asshole.
"That she could see the shooter!" Nidget was my assistant in this, even though he's a damned idiot.
"Unless her back was turned." I'll admit not knowing where Therod was when she got shot, or where the bullet hit, or even what had lead up to the incident was slowing us down in our investigation. I'll also admit I have no idea why we were the ones investigating, I thought Therod had her own group of Guard members to do that.
"What are you two idiots doing?" And that's when we found out she in fact did. Jandel Lemond was shorter than Therod and had blond hair to Therod's red. But she made up for her height with two pistols one of which she had drawn pointing at Nidget and myself.
"Solving crimes!" Nidget sounded way more excited than I did. I put my hand over my face because of his excitement.
"More like messing up the evidence, Lorentino were you involved in this?"
"ME? Why not Nidget? He's the idiot who drug me over here." See local law is always thinking I'm involved.
"Captain was shot with a Hanlon revolver, you sell Hanlon products, ergo you probably sold the pistol." Flawless logic.
"Unless they bought that pistol a long time ago it couldn't have been me I haven't sold anything in a while my receipts show that woeful fact." A side effect of Nidget bailing on me to do Nidget things, and me being a terrible store owner.
"Show me." And so under threat of pistol I was brought back to my store and away from the actual crime! But before I left I made sure to take some of Therod's blood while Jandel was distracted with Nidget. Not for any investigation, just in case she lived and started to piss me off I could work some necromantic magic on her. Yes I'm an asshole.
Thursday, January 23, 2014
No Nidget That's Stupid
We arrived at the jail. Therod was within already being attended to by healers and other more traditional medicine people. There was a small crowd and upon seeing me in it Therod ordered me out and I obliged (having not wanted to be there in the first place!) I felt things were well in hand and so I went to leave.
"Well that's that Nidget, thanks for having me come here anger the Captain and do absolutely nothing."
"We have to do something Trezlan!"
"I know probably a sale, without the Captain up and walking around a lot of people will need firearms and I want to be there to sell them!" I recognize it seems silly considering how often I abandon my store and forget about selling things, but I can't pass up a prime opportunity to price gouge! Also take advantage of dumb people!
"You are truely an evil person Trezlan."
"I keep telling you that, you keep ignoring it, and then announcing it like I shouldn't be aware of my own evil nature."
"We have to find who shot the Captain."
"A criminal, bam lets go back to the store." Nidget grabbed my arm and I resisted my impulse to back hand him like a shifty beggar.
"Trezlan this could be big, if we help find who shot Therod..." I cut him off mid speech.
"Than I can get a get out of jail free card for finding the guy who shot her. Nidget this is brilliant." Have I mentioned my selfish tendencies REPEATEDLY yet?
"No Trezlan just..."
"Come on Nidget we have to find out where she was shot so we can figure out who shot her!" And off I went visions of not being held accountable for crimes I committed dancing in my head. Turns out investigating shootings is a lot harder than just showing up at where someone was shot and asking people. I know it surprised me too.
"Well that's that Nidget, thanks for having me come here anger the Captain and do absolutely nothing."
"We have to do something Trezlan!"
"I know probably a sale, without the Captain up and walking around a lot of people will need firearms and I want to be there to sell them!" I recognize it seems silly considering how often I abandon my store and forget about selling things, but I can't pass up a prime opportunity to price gouge! Also take advantage of dumb people!
"You are truely an evil person Trezlan."
"I keep telling you that, you keep ignoring it, and then announcing it like I shouldn't be aware of my own evil nature."
"We have to find who shot the Captain."
"A criminal, bam lets go back to the store." Nidget grabbed my arm and I resisted my impulse to back hand him like a shifty beggar.
"Trezlan this could be big, if we help find who shot Therod..." I cut him off mid speech.
"Than I can get a get out of jail free card for finding the guy who shot her. Nidget this is brilliant." Have I mentioned my selfish tendencies REPEATEDLY yet?
"No Trezlan just..."
"Come on Nidget we have to find out where she was shot so we can figure out who shot her!" And off I went visions of not being held accountable for crimes I committed dancing in my head. Turns out investigating shootings is a lot harder than just showing up at where someone was shot and asking people. I know it surprised me too.
Wednesday, January 22, 2014
I'd Ask Him to Stop Being Creepy, But He Doesn't Know How
"My favorite gun dealer." Hanlon of course was the first person to greet me upon my trip out to the country. It was like he knew I'd been up to something. He always does.
"I find that hard to believe."
"Oh Trezlan don't sell yourself short, see its not that you sell a lot of guns, you don't! Its the quality of the people you put them into, its really inspiring." I couldn't tell if he was being serious or not. He stopped for a moment as he approached me and sniffed the air. I'd seen him make a similar move before and it always creeps me out.
"I know its been a while for me and a bath."
"Yes it has, but the stink on you is not one of general filth," He smiled and I felt more unsettled than ever, "I have the feeling I should be thanking you for something and I don't exactly know what, but thank you Trezlan."
"You're welcome Hanlon?" I was seriously put off by this conversation. Hanlon was about to follow up one creepy statement with another when Nidget came bursting into the store.
"Trezlan come quick Captain Therod has been shot."
"Well I didn't do it!" I turned to Hanlon but of course he was gone, since he's a figment of my imagination.
"Trezlan!" Nidget had the pleading look of a child expecting their parent to come running at the slightest difficulty.
"All right all right lets go see to the Captain." I don't know Nidget wanted me there, its not like the healing I could do would be good for anyone, nor would it keep me from being executed for necromancy, but Nidget was going to be annoying until I went with him and so I did. The things I do for society.
"I find that hard to believe."
"Oh Trezlan don't sell yourself short, see its not that you sell a lot of guns, you don't! Its the quality of the people you put them into, its really inspiring." I couldn't tell if he was being serious or not. He stopped for a moment as he approached me and sniffed the air. I'd seen him make a similar move before and it always creeps me out.
"I know its been a while for me and a bath."
"Yes it has, but the stink on you is not one of general filth," He smiled and I felt more unsettled than ever, "I have the feeling I should be thanking you for something and I don't exactly know what, but thank you Trezlan."
"You're welcome Hanlon?" I was seriously put off by this conversation. Hanlon was about to follow up one creepy statement with another when Nidget came bursting into the store.
"Trezlan come quick Captain Therod has been shot."
"Well I didn't do it!" I turned to Hanlon but of course he was gone, since he's a figment of my imagination.
"Trezlan!" Nidget had the pleading look of a child expecting their parent to come running at the slightest difficulty.
"All right all right lets go see to the Captain." I don't know Nidget wanted me there, its not like the healing I could do would be good for anyone, nor would it keep me from being executed for necromancy, but Nidget was going to be annoying until I went with him and so I did. The things I do for society.
Tuesday, January 21, 2014
In The End I'm Still Trezlan Lorentino
"And that's where you lost me." Honestly I really really wanted to go into the swirling mists of naked passionate whatever the hell allura was sex. But deep down I knew, I knew that she was bad, and everything associated with her was wrong. And as stupid as I am, I am a survivor, and survivors don't make deals with green smokey ladies who live in basements.
"What?" Allura's voice changed a bit, it went from that alluring sensuous come on Trezlan voice, to more of a long term spouse what do you mean you won't take out the garbage voice. It was not a sexy change.
"Lets make this harder than it has to be sweety, just stay where you are and I'll find my way out." I couldn't see the exit any more. To be honest I couldn't even see the basement anymore.
"You are mine Lorentino one way or another." Now the pool was gone and the grotto became a swirling vortex of snakes. I doubted the snakes were anymore real than the grotto was, but they were pretty damned terrifying either way. I'll be honest as I always am (despite me having to maintain that I am honest in pretty much every entry and openly tell you I have lied to you several times) I hadn't exactly come up with a plan past "Tell evil creature I'm not that stupid." thus proving to the creature that yes I am that stupid. See told you I'm honest! I did have my sword which would prove useless against something that could obviously obcure my mind, and one of Hanlon's pistols, which like the sword would be weak against something that could just make me think its one place and be somewhere else.
"Right and I've got you right where I want you." I drew and fired and she died. I admit this was one of those moments when I was a bit more worried that it was too easy. Like literally it was one shot right through the head (completely intentionally I was in no way aiming for her chest or anything, see honest!) I was very worried the illusion would fade and I'd be standing in some little child bedroom with her smoking corpse beneath me. But no the illusion faded I was in a dingy cellar a dead man was to my right his rotting naked corpse showing me the fate I avoided, the snake creature in front of me with smoking blood all that remained of Allura.
So I burned the house down, spread a rumor about some weird incest ghost situation going on at the farm (don't, don't ask) and went on about my life hoping to never have to explain to anyone else what in the gods names I was doing out in the country. It mostly worked I think, I think.
"What?" Allura's voice changed a bit, it went from that alluring sensuous come on Trezlan voice, to more of a long term spouse what do you mean you won't take out the garbage voice. It was not a sexy change.
"Lets make this harder than it has to be sweety, just stay where you are and I'll find my way out." I couldn't see the exit any more. To be honest I couldn't even see the basement anymore.
"You are mine Lorentino one way or another." Now the pool was gone and the grotto became a swirling vortex of snakes. I doubted the snakes were anymore real than the grotto was, but they were pretty damned terrifying either way. I'll be honest as I always am (despite me having to maintain that I am honest in pretty much every entry and openly tell you I have lied to you several times) I hadn't exactly come up with a plan past "Tell evil creature I'm not that stupid." thus proving to the creature that yes I am that stupid. See told you I'm honest! I did have my sword which would prove useless against something that could obviously obcure my mind, and one of Hanlon's pistols, which like the sword would be weak against something that could just make me think its one place and be somewhere else.
"Right and I've got you right where I want you." I drew and fired and she died. I admit this was one of those moments when I was a bit more worried that it was too easy. Like literally it was one shot right through the head (completely intentionally I was in no way aiming for her chest or anything, see honest!) I was very worried the illusion would fade and I'd be standing in some little child bedroom with her smoking corpse beneath me. But no the illusion faded I was in a dingy cellar a dead man was to my right his rotting naked corpse showing me the fate I avoided, the snake creature in front of me with smoking blood all that remained of Allura.
So I burned the house down, spread a rumor about some weird incest ghost situation going on at the farm (don't, don't ask) and went on about my life hoping to never have to explain to anyone else what in the gods names I was doing out in the country. It mostly worked I think, I think.
Monday, January 20, 2014
Bright Lights, Crazy Choices
"Trezlan," The figure was of a naked woman cloaked in green mists her voice had gotten more soothing more alluring, "Welcome Trezlan oh powerful necromancer, welcome to my home." With each word she brushed her hands over my skin and it felt electric. I admit even though I knew I was being ensnared it was nice to be wanted. The cellar was cloaked in the green mist as well, but it looked like some kind of garden or grotto, which seemed impossible considering the shitty hovel up above it.
"Its nice to meet you." My voice sounded distant like I was a mile away from myself.
"I'm Allura, and this is my sanctuary a place away from places." What she said doesn't make any sense now, but at the time it made perfect sense.
"What can I do for you Allura?"
"Its not what you can do for me Trezlan its what I can do for you." She invited me to sit at a spring and I did so. She offered me a cup of water and it was the most refreshing thing I'd ever had. I've never drank water that tasted so sweet and satisfying, remembering it now brings a tear to my eye.
"And what can you do for me?" I've been in all sorts of traps, all sorts of spells, all sorts of pitches have been made, but Allura's will always be my favorite. Its the memory I cling to in the late watches of the night when everything seems awful, I remember this time as my favorite. Which I guess says a lot of sad things about me doesn't it?
"I can make you better, I can take away all the things that make you weak Trezlan, I can make you strong, strong enough to rule this place and others like it." I did always want to rule the world, though I knew somewhere in the back of my mind nothing could actually do this for me, not on this planet or any other world Allura knew of. Hanlon of course could always kill me, whatever he was he seemed like the ultimate equalizer, someone who keeps the universe running the way he wants it, and that meant no matter what Allura promised I'd be dead before I even tried. Still at the time it seemed like a great deal.
"And what must I do for this power?"
"Give yourself to me." She slinked into the water and invited me after her, and I'll admit I sat at the edge of the water for a bit just thinking. And so that's where I'll leave you, staring at beautiful naked creature in delicious water only asking me to turn myself over to her. Its a nice place, a lot better than where I ended up when it was all said and done.
"Its nice to meet you." My voice sounded distant like I was a mile away from myself.
"I'm Allura, and this is my sanctuary a place away from places." What she said doesn't make any sense now, but at the time it made perfect sense.
"What can I do for you Allura?"
"Its not what you can do for me Trezlan its what I can do for you." She invited me to sit at a spring and I did so. She offered me a cup of water and it was the most refreshing thing I'd ever had. I've never drank water that tasted so sweet and satisfying, remembering it now brings a tear to my eye.
"And what can you do for me?" I've been in all sorts of traps, all sorts of spells, all sorts of pitches have been made, but Allura's will always be my favorite. Its the memory I cling to in the late watches of the night when everything seems awful, I remember this time as my favorite. Which I guess says a lot of sad things about me doesn't it?
"I can make you better, I can take away all the things that make you weak Trezlan, I can make you strong, strong enough to rule this place and others like it." I did always want to rule the world, though I knew somewhere in the back of my mind nothing could actually do this for me, not on this planet or any other world Allura knew of. Hanlon of course could always kill me, whatever he was he seemed like the ultimate equalizer, someone who keeps the universe running the way he wants it, and that meant no matter what Allura promised I'd be dead before I even tried. Still at the time it seemed like a great deal.
"And what must I do for this power?"
"Give yourself to me." She slinked into the water and invited me after her, and I'll admit I sat at the edge of the water for a bit just thinking. And so that's where I'll leave you, staring at beautiful naked creature in delicious water only asking me to turn myself over to her. Its a nice place, a lot better than where I ended up when it was all said and done.
Friday, January 17, 2014
No I'm not Terrified I Swear
You know I hate when things open on their own. I mean sure the wind does it, or bad latches or any number of other reasonable explinations. But a cellar door opening up and flooding a room full of a green light? Not probably a latch or wind issue (I say probably because you never know, could be a faulty latch that just opens and a green lantern down below was left burning? You don't know!).
I was mildly alarmed. You know just moderately afraid of what was down there. I mean the object had just combined a mother and her son into some weird flesh abomination and then this cellar door opened up? Yeah I was hesistant to explore, my first thought was to burn down the farm and just call it a day. That's when the cellar talked to me.
"Trezlan," The voice was like a whisper coming from all around, "Lorentino." Glad it used my full name in case there was another Trezlan around (there are no other Trezlans, despite me living hundreds of years there has never been another real one, my heir using my name as a pirate of course excluded).
"Not listening." I was actually listening, because I heard it you see, so I couldn't have not been listening to say I wasn't listening, understand?
"Trezlan," The voice changed to be more of a womans voice, "Come on don't be afraid, these peasants were just that, peasants, I sent them to get you, now come down here, come down here and be with me." I hadn't exactly expected whatever was in the cellar to have called me to this dirt farm, but it made sense how some street urchin had known to seek me out. I have to admit the voice made a strong case, well that and it had bewitched me so I followed along like a dumb puppy dog. I'd like to blame the stupid farmers but they were both dead by my hand and I should have fled immeadiately. This is the issue with curiosity, it will almost certainly always get you in trouble. They need a saying for that I think, maybe I'll come up with one? Curisoity almost killed the Lorentino? Catchy no?
I was mildly alarmed. You know just moderately afraid of what was down there. I mean the object had just combined a mother and her son into some weird flesh abomination and then this cellar door opened up? Yeah I was hesistant to explore, my first thought was to burn down the farm and just call it a day. That's when the cellar talked to me.
"Trezlan," The voice was like a whisper coming from all around, "Lorentino." Glad it used my full name in case there was another Trezlan around (there are no other Trezlans, despite me living hundreds of years there has never been another real one, my heir using my name as a pirate of course excluded).
"Not listening." I was actually listening, because I heard it you see, so I couldn't have not been listening to say I wasn't listening, understand?
"Trezlan," The voice changed to be more of a womans voice, "Come on don't be afraid, these peasants were just that, peasants, I sent them to get you, now come down here, come down here and be with me." I hadn't exactly expected whatever was in the cellar to have called me to this dirt farm, but it made sense how some street urchin had known to seek me out. I have to admit the voice made a strong case, well that and it had bewitched me so I followed along like a dumb puppy dog. I'd like to blame the stupid farmers but they were both dead by my hand and I should have fled immeadiately. This is the issue with curiosity, it will almost certainly always get you in trouble. They need a saying for that I think, maybe I'll come up with one? Curisoity almost killed the Lorentino? Catchy no?
Thursday, January 16, 2014
Farmers are Dicks
"Who is dis?" The dirty woman was in clothing that hadn't been cleaned in, well ever I don't think. Her Hovel had dirt floors more holes than one of my excuses for doing something bad and a roof made out of mud and what smelled like shit, overall the whole atmosphere was unplesant.
"Lorentino the big shit relic guy you sent me to find." The kid had dropped the awe struck voice of youngness he'd used on me at the store and now was using the street urchin annoying shit voice I'd known most of these little miscreants to talk like.
"I told you to sell him the thing, not bring him here."
"He wouldn't buy it until I showed him where we got it." She looked at me with a sigh, her teeth were mostly rotting and I could see at least a few different indications of long term disease. Whatever farming this group of people did it was not paying any bill or taking care of them at all.
"Ma'm this is a dangerous object you and your son could be in danger." I had no idea if it was a dangerous object, I just didn't want these morons with access to it.
"Doesn't look dangerous to me." The lady had the object in her hand and turned it over, I noticed when she did the runes glowed a bit.
"Its glowing."
"Its glowed before its not been a pro..." The object exploded in magical power and the woman and her son were caught up in it. It combined them and not in a funny "oh look at the freak" kind of way. I mean it mixed their bodies together in a mishappen creature that yowled in pain and lurched after me. I burned the thing to death and stabbed it for good measure. I suddenly felt very lucky I had not purchased the weird runed object, but I was no closer to finding out where they had found the damned thing.
Standing there staring at the burned up creature I was thinking about just leaving and hoping things would work out for themselves (because they normally do!) Suddenly a previously unnoticed cellar door opened up and things got really really bad.
"Lorentino the big shit relic guy you sent me to find." The kid had dropped the awe struck voice of youngness he'd used on me at the store and now was using the street urchin annoying shit voice I'd known most of these little miscreants to talk like.
"I told you to sell him the thing, not bring him here."
"He wouldn't buy it until I showed him where we got it." She looked at me with a sigh, her teeth were mostly rotting and I could see at least a few different indications of long term disease. Whatever farming this group of people did it was not paying any bill or taking care of them at all.
"Ma'm this is a dangerous object you and your son could be in danger." I had no idea if it was a dangerous object, I just didn't want these morons with access to it.
"Doesn't look dangerous to me." The lady had the object in her hand and turned it over, I noticed when she did the runes glowed a bit.
"Its glowing."
"Its glowed before its not been a pro..." The object exploded in magical power and the woman and her son were caught up in it. It combined them and not in a funny "oh look at the freak" kind of way. I mean it mixed their bodies together in a mishappen creature that yowled in pain and lurched after me. I burned the thing to death and stabbed it for good measure. I suddenly felt very lucky I had not purchased the weird runed object, but I was no closer to finding out where they had found the damned thing.
Standing there staring at the burned up creature I was thinking about just leaving and hoping things would work out for themselves (because they normally do!) Suddenly a previously unnoticed cellar door opened up and things got really really bad.
Wednesday, January 15, 2014
I'm Not Completely Heartless
"Out get out!" Several people had crowded around my desk to complain about me being gone and I shooed them away. Well I tried to, when they didn't leave initially I ignited my hand with flame and they caught the hint I did not want to help anyone else that day. I swear its like I'm the only store in town that sells firearms (I'm not, but I am the only one who sells Halon arms which to some people is the premier fire arm). After the people fled my firey wrath (a sentence I one day would like to write in a journal as I'm currently ruling the entire world) all that was left was one small urchin of a child, at first I thought he was a shorty (they try and hide as children at times, but the facial hair and wrinkles give them away) but no he was a child about eight.
"Can you help me sir?" I like being called sir, I hate being asked to help children, because I hate children almost as much as I hate shorties.
"No I can't give you any money get out of my shop before I report you to the authorities." Unattended children (beggars, orphans, thieves) were not tolerated in the city and if found were sent to orphanages which I'm told are horrible places full of bad things, which pleases me. I know I know I'm a dick.
"I can sell you something." They can all sell you something, always some useless thing or something they stole from someone else, but when he produced the object it caused me to pause. It was dirty (the kid himself was filthy) but it was made of a strange metal and once I cleaned the dirt off had a bunch of runes I hadn't encountered before on it.
"And who did you steal this thing from?" I'll admit I was a bit hard on the kid, but kids are evil little bastards who use their age to avoid responsibility for things. When clearly they should use their ignorance... I mean thats what works for me!
"You'll just kill me and take the rest." The rest implied he had more of the objects, which hinted he either robbed someone blind, or found something else entirely. I was offended that he would think I would kill a child for simple theft, certainly not (a lot of other things sure, but simple theft? No).
"Boy I can do a lot worse to you than kill you." It was not an empty threat, have I mentioned I'm a horrible person, "But I won't, and I'll even pay you, if you show me where you got this object." At the talk of payment his face lit up and we were off to the frozen countryside, because nothing says fun times like freezing my ass off on a dirt farm outside of town! Thankfully I didn't do too much of that, unthankfully, well things got worse before they even looked like they would get better. Per usual.
"Can you help me sir?" I like being called sir, I hate being asked to help children, because I hate children almost as much as I hate shorties.
"No I can't give you any money get out of my shop before I report you to the authorities." Unattended children (beggars, orphans, thieves) were not tolerated in the city and if found were sent to orphanages which I'm told are horrible places full of bad things, which pleases me. I know I know I'm a dick.
"I can sell you something." They can all sell you something, always some useless thing or something they stole from someone else, but when he produced the object it caused me to pause. It was dirty (the kid himself was filthy) but it was made of a strange metal and once I cleaned the dirt off had a bunch of runes I hadn't encountered before on it.
"And who did you steal this thing from?" I'll admit I was a bit hard on the kid, but kids are evil little bastards who use their age to avoid responsibility for things. When clearly they should use their ignorance... I mean thats what works for me!
"You'll just kill me and take the rest." The rest implied he had more of the objects, which hinted he either robbed someone blind, or found something else entirely. I was offended that he would think I would kill a child for simple theft, certainly not (a lot of other things sure, but simple theft? No).
"Boy I can do a lot worse to you than kill you." It was not an empty threat, have I mentioned I'm a horrible person, "But I won't, and I'll even pay you, if you show me where you got this object." At the talk of payment his face lit up and we were off to the frozen countryside, because nothing says fun times like freezing my ass off on a dirt farm outside of town! Thankfully I didn't do too much of that, unthankfully, well things got worse before they even looked like they would get better. Per usual.
Tuesday, January 14, 2014
Being Good Sucks
"This sucks." I was sitting huddled at Val's bar, it was cold, well it was still cold as the cold had never really left I just had. It still sucked though, everyone wasn't sick or anything, but the cold remained. Lingering like a bad party guest no one has the guts to tell to go home. The magical heat relic of Vaygo's lands was smashed, Guthlu told me no one should have that power and I since I'd let him and his compatriot get tortured was not in a position to say anything differently. I felt stupid about that sitting cold in a bar while Val looked at me with his usual look of contempt.
"Yes it does Trezlan, why don't you go home and leave me be?"
"Because you are my one true love Val, I just can't bring up the courage to admit that." He scoffed and walked off and I at least got a smile out of his discomfort. The bar was fairly empty, but I couldn't fault people for staying in seeing as the cold and the last time people gathered in groups there was a huge illness explosion. Still I was a bit sad for the lack of company. Unthankfully Nidget chose to reemerge at this exact moment.
"Oh so you bother to come back to work now?" I wasn't at work, so this seemed completely unfair to say I had.
"Nidget of all days today is not the day I'm dealing with you."
"Today is the day you are dealing with me, work is piling up Trezlan and so are the bills so get your stupid ass back to the store or I swear to the gods I'll burn it down." I half considered just letting the midget do it and save me from my misery. But no I was good so I trudged home to get back to work. I tell you I can see the allure of being evil, its a lot more liberating!
"Yes it does Trezlan, why don't you go home and leave me be?"
"Because you are my one true love Val, I just can't bring up the courage to admit that." He scoffed and walked off and I at least got a smile out of his discomfort. The bar was fairly empty, but I couldn't fault people for staying in seeing as the cold and the last time people gathered in groups there was a huge illness explosion. Still I was a bit sad for the lack of company. Unthankfully Nidget chose to reemerge at this exact moment.
"Oh so you bother to come back to work now?" I wasn't at work, so this seemed completely unfair to say I had.
"Nidget of all days today is not the day I'm dealing with you."
"Today is the day you are dealing with me, work is piling up Trezlan and so are the bills so get your stupid ass back to the store or I swear to the gods I'll burn it down." I half considered just letting the midget do it and save me from my misery. But no I was good so I trudged home to get back to work. I tell you I can see the allure of being evil, its a lot more liberating!
Monday, January 13, 2014
Wait Was It Backwards Or Forwards?
Guthlu was on a table a bunch of marks drawn in the blood of Vaygo all over his body. My captor had not exactly been telling the truth about letting my "friends" go. The runes were something I'd instructed him to do, though as I've said I don't need ritual magic as much anymore (when you become practiced with necromancy runes are a crutch or only used for big spells), since Vaygo was at best a novice this was the best I could come up with. I was sitting to the side still shackeled giving instructions.
"I hope one day you'll burn for this Lorentino." Guthlu spit on me and I just sat there looking all sad, it was all I could do in the face of this obvious betrayal.
"Your brother already assured me I would, trust me I know how damned I am." Vaygo finished his runes and looked on like a happy child who had pleased his parent.
"Did I do everything correctly." I stood up and glanced over the runes, they looked to be in the proper order.
"Yep, go ahead and invoke some power into them to bring them to life and you will be on your way to being a true necromancer." He clapped his hands and called up some magic, the runes glowed brightly, and Guthlu groaned.
"It's working!" Vaygo shouted out, and then immeadiately doubled over in pain as the life force was ripped out of him.
"Yep it sure is." I stood up and walked over to my former captor, snatching the key for my shackles from his belt, "You're far too trusting Vaygo, you should have assumed I turned a bit too fast and had a back up plan, the problem you ran into is not knowing a damned thing about necromancy, the first step obviously is to know in which direction the spell is directing the life force." It was a classic double cross, well classic for me, you'll remember I did the same thing to my master.
"You are a bastard." I could have had the spell go instantly, but this was much more fun seeing the little prick suffer. His body was deflating like a popped balloon, it took him minutes to die, but I'm sure it felt like hours, each breath coming harder than the last. I'll admit I'm an asshole you don't have to tell it to me.
"See Guthlu all according to plan." He socked me in the jaw shortly after freeing him, but you know thats just the way people thank me for saving their lives. And hell I gave him some more years on his demigod lifespan! No one ever properly thanks me for all the good I do in the world. Sure I do it with evil magic and a lot of bad things happen in the interim. BUT GOOD GETS DONE GODS DAMN IT!
"I hope one day you'll burn for this Lorentino." Guthlu spit on me and I just sat there looking all sad, it was all I could do in the face of this obvious betrayal.
"Your brother already assured me I would, trust me I know how damned I am." Vaygo finished his runes and looked on like a happy child who had pleased his parent.
"Did I do everything correctly." I stood up and glanced over the runes, they looked to be in the proper order.
"Yep, go ahead and invoke some power into them to bring them to life and you will be on your way to being a true necromancer." He clapped his hands and called up some magic, the runes glowed brightly, and Guthlu groaned.
"It's working!" Vaygo shouted out, and then immeadiately doubled over in pain as the life force was ripped out of him.
"Yep it sure is." I stood up and walked over to my former captor, snatching the key for my shackles from his belt, "You're far too trusting Vaygo, you should have assumed I turned a bit too fast and had a back up plan, the problem you ran into is not knowing a damned thing about necromancy, the first step obviously is to know in which direction the spell is directing the life force." It was a classic double cross, well classic for me, you'll remember I did the same thing to my master.
"You are a bastard." I could have had the spell go instantly, but this was much more fun seeing the little prick suffer. His body was deflating like a popped balloon, it took him minutes to die, but I'm sure it felt like hours, each breath coming harder than the last. I'll admit I'm an asshole you don't have to tell it to me.
"See Guthlu all according to plan." He socked me in the jaw shortly after freeing him, but you know thats just the way people thank me for saving their lives. And hell I gave him some more years on his demigod lifespan! No one ever properly thanks me for all the good I do in the world. Sure I do it with evil magic and a lot of bad things happen in the interim. BUT GOOD GETS DONE GODS DAMN IT!
Friday, January 10, 2014
I Have Not Yet Begun To Give Up
Salt water is horrible for caring for whip wounds, yet jerks always seem to use it as an ointment. I was huddled in the corner of what probably at one time had been a nice slave quarter, wood slacks barred windows, expenses had not been spared at all! I say huddled because again the salt water on the whip wounds had left me in a "My gods this hurts state of mind." I was also still shackeled, because those damned things are everywhere, one of these days I'm going to find a way around them and not tell people who keep using them, one of these days!
"Are you ready to be reasonable?" Vaygo was of course taking the "you're being crazy Trezlan teach me death magic so that I may murder people easier." tack.
"Reasonable? No I'm not yet at reasonable, more like slightly unhinged."
"Trezlan I can do this for years, I know you've taken abuse before, but I'm inventive, just give in, teach me necromancy and I'll let you go, I'll even be magnanimous and let the magic hunters go as long as they don't return, this is a good deal."
"Ok." I was tired of being a linchpin of the magic community. Sure I'd not really taught anyone necromancy outside of the one guy who apparently already knew it from Morley so I didn't really teach him. But people constantly ask me, I'm always being bothered by the newest upstart who wants to live forever or kill people in new ways or whatever. Its tiring, its annoying and mostly I was tired of being used like a bad piece of leather. Whipping hurt, even if the slaves have substandard techniques.
Mostly I just wanted this little stupid adventure to be over, it was hot, I was whipped to the point of crying and just teaching one idiot dangerous magic would let me be done with it and I was so ready to be done. So I gave in. There THERE ARE YOU HAPPY I ADMITTED ALL OF THIS!!! Nah I'm just messing with you, this was all a part of my plan. Of course it was, I mean would I suffer needlessly? Well aside from employing Nidget I mean.
"Are you ready to be reasonable?" Vaygo was of course taking the "you're being crazy Trezlan teach me death magic so that I may murder people easier." tack.
"Reasonable? No I'm not yet at reasonable, more like slightly unhinged."
"Trezlan I can do this for years, I know you've taken abuse before, but I'm inventive, just give in, teach me necromancy and I'll let you go, I'll even be magnanimous and let the magic hunters go as long as they don't return, this is a good deal."
"Ok." I was tired of being a linchpin of the magic community. Sure I'd not really taught anyone necromancy outside of the one guy who apparently already knew it from Morley so I didn't really teach him. But people constantly ask me, I'm always being bothered by the newest upstart who wants to live forever or kill people in new ways or whatever. Its tiring, its annoying and mostly I was tired of being used like a bad piece of leather. Whipping hurt, even if the slaves have substandard techniques.
Mostly I just wanted this little stupid adventure to be over, it was hot, I was whipped to the point of crying and just teaching one idiot dangerous magic would let me be done with it and I was so ready to be done. So I gave in. There THERE ARE YOU HAPPY I ADMITTED ALL OF THIS!!! Nah I'm just messing with you, this was all a part of my plan. Of course it was, I mean would I suffer needlessly? Well aside from employing Nidget I mean.
Thursday, January 9, 2014
Well I didn't Want To Be Rude He Is a Monarch
"And so you willingly let them put you down here." The replacement whippers were not quite the same gusto as Vaygo had been, their whipping was pretty half hearted, it still hurt, gods it hurt, but still not as good.
"Well he is a monarch Guthlu I couldn't just kill him, that would be bad luck." Honestly I hadn't thought about consequences because I'm Trezlan Gods Damned Lorentino, consequences are for people who give a damn!
"You are a very stupid person Trezlan."
"All a part of my plan Guthlu, see he's going to come back down here all smug and stupid and ask if I'm ready to teach him necromancy, and I'll spit in his face, and then we'll continue this dance some more, and then I'll be free and his kingdom will be in ruins."
"You skipped a step in their Lorentino." The whipping was messing with my concentration I'll admit.
"I did? No I didn't it was a perfect plan from start to finish."
"I'm starting to see why my brother doesn't like you."
"Oh Guthlu your brother doesn't like me because I saved his life with necromancy, outside of that we are perfect friends." Not really, but you know we were tied up and being whipped, its not like he could verify the truth of what I said! Most likely anyway, maybe he could. Who knows! Anyway I was right Vaygo did come by later and take me way to gloat, and I totally did exactly what he wanted. What? All apart of the Trezlan Lorentino plan!
"Well he is a monarch Guthlu I couldn't just kill him, that would be bad luck." Honestly I hadn't thought about consequences because I'm Trezlan Gods Damned Lorentino, consequences are for people who give a damn!
"You are a very stupid person Trezlan."
"All a part of my plan Guthlu, see he's going to come back down here all smug and stupid and ask if I'm ready to teach him necromancy, and I'll spit in his face, and then we'll continue this dance some more, and then I'll be free and his kingdom will be in ruins."
"You skipped a step in their Lorentino." The whipping was messing with my concentration I'll admit.
"I did? No I didn't it was a perfect plan from start to finish."
"I'm starting to see why my brother doesn't like you."
"Oh Guthlu your brother doesn't like me because I saved his life with necromancy, outside of that we are perfect friends." Not really, but you know we were tied up and being whipped, its not like he could verify the truth of what I said! Most likely anyway, maybe he could. Who knows! Anyway I was right Vaygo did come by later and take me way to gloat, and I totally did exactly what he wanted. What? All apart of the Trezlan Lorentino plan!
Wednesday, January 8, 2014
To Teach or Not to Teach
There are several decisions in my life I'll probably regret forever. One of them was that ill advised drink in bandit town (seriously that bladder infection was the worst thing I wrote about for a bit and completely left off, just know it sucked). Another will be killing my own father (yes that's a regret even though he was trying to kill me). The last and most important will be ever being associated with necromancers. Yes I know if not for their teachings I'd be long dead, but at the same point I wouldn't be quadruple super damned and wouldn't always be in such fear of my life ending all the time! Why did I list the first two seemingly less regretable things first? To set up perspective. See now you know how much I actually regret those things. I'm nice like that no need to thank me!
And so because I know the ways of necromancy, I occaisionally get the meglomaniacal asshole who thinks because I know it I'll just willingly teach them it. And that is completely stupid. I mean if you know my history (like Vaygo apparently did creepily enough) you'd know I killed the person who taught me necromancy, and if you know anything about Morley you'd know HE PLANNED ON KILLING HER TOO! See thats the issue with necromancers, we are forever killing each other, like the worst game of tag.
"No." That was my answer to Vaygo about teaching him necromancy.
"I see." Was his response, well that and immeadiately being shackled up and placed alongside Guthlu to be whipped for a while. Because you see no good deed ever goes unpunished.
And so because I know the ways of necromancy, I occaisionally get the meglomaniacal asshole who thinks because I know it I'll just willingly teach them it. And that is completely stupid. I mean if you know my history (like Vaygo apparently did creepily enough) you'd know I killed the person who taught me necromancy, and if you know anything about Morley you'd know HE PLANNED ON KILLING HER TOO! See thats the issue with necromancers, we are forever killing each other, like the worst game of tag.
"No." That was my answer to Vaygo about teaching him necromancy.
"I see." Was his response, well that and immeadiately being shackled up and placed alongside Guthlu to be whipped for a while. Because you see no good deed ever goes unpunished.
Tuesday, January 7, 2014
No One Understands the Problems of the Maniacal
"I'm just like you Trezlan, just like you." My jailer (and make no mind of it I wasn't wearing shackles but I was imprisoned) tried to identify with me. Its weird how people who can in no way shape or form be like me try and tell me they are like me, or I like them. His name was Vaygo (pronounced Vahgo but I saw it spelled out or I would have spelled it simply Vahgo) and he was a lord, but I'll let him get to that.
"I came from simple upbringing, my father was a lord of these lands and ruled them under the red hand with quite a pleasant disposition, my mother a lesser lords daughter, much like yourself I'm a blood of the land guy my parents gave their all to their slaves, and in return these miscreants turned on them in the revolution. Sure there were some executions and some forced sexual interactions to keep the stock strong, but you understand how things are right Trezlan?" I did not understand, my skin felt like it was crawling, Vaygo was just creepy as hell. Like he had a way of speaking that told you what he was saying was something to try and get you to his side, not anything he actually believed (completely the opposite of me!)
"All the same the Guard imposed some ridiculous sanctions on this land and me as well, I had to work as a simple farmer for a bit? So I completely understand your days of working as a slave to that hunter once upon a time (I swear this guy new more of my life story than I did, it was weird). Eventually I grew tired of simple farm work and I could hear the people in this area pleading for me to regain my lordship, in the wake of the Guard's little conflict recently I regained my position here and with some assistance from a couple artifacts my father had kept locked away, aided this area. You see the poors of this land used to complain so fiercly of the cold, all the time whining about the chill in the air, so I have banished the cold, and now, now my servants and their families are happy." I'll mention I never saw the families, nor the happiness. The women who served Vaygo looked at best neutral, at worst terrified.
"Which brings me to Guthlu and his companion," His mouth turned down with an ugly smile, it was a look that was so creepy words can't explain how creepy, "They are magic hunters you see, they destroy people like us, they can't stand that my people are happy and that my lands are protected, so the Guard has sent them to destroy me, I let Guthlu run away last time to warn the Guard to not come back, but no the little bastard returned, and this time he brought me a gift." I didn't like how he used the word gift.
"You see Trezlan my magic is strong but it lacks one key element you can teach me, Necromancy." Of course everyone wants to know how to take life and use it to extend their life, but no one really appreciates the sacrifice that entails, I mean other than the sacrifice of life that it entails... You know what nevermind.
"I came from simple upbringing, my father was a lord of these lands and ruled them under the red hand with quite a pleasant disposition, my mother a lesser lords daughter, much like yourself I'm a blood of the land guy my parents gave their all to their slaves, and in return these miscreants turned on them in the revolution. Sure there were some executions and some forced sexual interactions to keep the stock strong, but you understand how things are right Trezlan?" I did not understand, my skin felt like it was crawling, Vaygo was just creepy as hell. Like he had a way of speaking that told you what he was saying was something to try and get you to his side, not anything he actually believed (completely the opposite of me!)
"All the same the Guard imposed some ridiculous sanctions on this land and me as well, I had to work as a simple farmer for a bit? So I completely understand your days of working as a slave to that hunter once upon a time (I swear this guy new more of my life story than I did, it was weird). Eventually I grew tired of simple farm work and I could hear the people in this area pleading for me to regain my lordship, in the wake of the Guard's little conflict recently I regained my position here and with some assistance from a couple artifacts my father had kept locked away, aided this area. You see the poors of this land used to complain so fiercly of the cold, all the time whining about the chill in the air, so I have banished the cold, and now, now my servants and their families are happy." I'll mention I never saw the families, nor the happiness. The women who served Vaygo looked at best neutral, at worst terrified.
"Which brings me to Guthlu and his companion," His mouth turned down with an ugly smile, it was a look that was so creepy words can't explain how creepy, "They are magic hunters you see, they destroy people like us, they can't stand that my people are happy and that my lands are protected, so the Guard has sent them to destroy me, I let Guthlu run away last time to warn the Guard to not come back, but no the little bastard returned, and this time he brought me a gift." I didn't like how he used the word gift.
"You see Trezlan my magic is strong but it lacks one key element you can teach me, Necromancy." Of course everyone wants to know how to take life and use it to extend their life, but no one really appreciates the sacrifice that entails, I mean other than the sacrifice of life that it entails... You know what nevermind.
Monday, January 6, 2014
And Hello To You Too
Waking up to the sound of screams is alarming, thankfully they weren't mine (because that would mean I could both scream and hear myself screaming and by unaware of it while I slept). Poor Guthlu on the other hand was strung up by both his hands and feet and a man was whipping him repeatedly, something I took no joy in (because misery is never joyful, not even to an enemy, of which he was not). I was just on a fluffy bed some water was nearby, I didn't have my weapons, but I have magic weapons are secondary.
"Ahh you're awake sorry I'm just finishing up here." The torturer had white hair and dark skin, it was a weird look, I say this as a man with dark skin and red hair (when I let it grow in, I do have my beard though!). He was shirtless and was wearing light silk pants, clearly because it was so damned hot (which is what woke me up, well that and the screaming).
"Oh by all means." I know that was mean to do to poor Guthlu, but you have to remember when dealing with crazy people you have to indulge them or they will turn on you. Well thats what I do anyway, and it works out, not really, but one of these damned times right? He whipped Guthlu a few more times wiped the sweat off his face and then motioned for to follow him.
We were in what looked to be a fairly huge estate, with multiple open air walkways and some servants moving between them. All the servants were fairer skinned and female, I made note of this for later racist possibilities (look I'm equal opportunity for slaves/servants). We made our way to a study that overlooked the jungle, down below I could see a woman strung up like Guthlu, she too had fresh whip marks, I can only assume from similar treatment.
"Big fan of your work Trezlan, I mean that." We were sitting, he offered me some water and it was very cold and comforting on this hot day.
"What can I say I do my best." Flattery will always get you places with me, because lets be honest I have a huge ego.
"And yet you wound up with my enemies, I can only assume they lied to you and told you I'm a terrible person." He cupped his water sexually, I was reminded of how little clothing I was wearing and how sexy I am.
"He claimed you had his friend."
"I do, she's right down there."
"Well I'm not one for captivity." As my several years of spending time in prisons will attest to.
"Trezlan, Trezlan, they are the bad guys here, not me. Let me tell you a story of my enemies and when it's done you can decide what you want to do." And so I listened to a mad man explain why he's the one slighted. For a brief moment it reminded me of me... Wait shit that makes me sound bad. CURSE YOU INK!
"Ahh you're awake sorry I'm just finishing up here." The torturer had white hair and dark skin, it was a weird look, I say this as a man with dark skin and red hair (when I let it grow in, I do have my beard though!). He was shirtless and was wearing light silk pants, clearly because it was so damned hot (which is what woke me up, well that and the screaming).
"Oh by all means." I know that was mean to do to poor Guthlu, but you have to remember when dealing with crazy people you have to indulge them or they will turn on you. Well thats what I do anyway, and it works out, not really, but one of these damned times right? He whipped Guthlu a few more times wiped the sweat off his face and then motioned for to follow him.
We were in what looked to be a fairly huge estate, with multiple open air walkways and some servants moving between them. All the servants were fairer skinned and female, I made note of this for later racist possibilities (look I'm equal opportunity for slaves/servants). We made our way to a study that overlooked the jungle, down below I could see a woman strung up like Guthlu, she too had fresh whip marks, I can only assume from similar treatment.
"Big fan of your work Trezlan, I mean that." We were sitting, he offered me some water and it was very cold and comforting on this hot day.
"What can I say I do my best." Flattery will always get you places with me, because lets be honest I have a huge ego.
"And yet you wound up with my enemies, I can only assume they lied to you and told you I'm a terrible person." He cupped his water sexually, I was reminded of how little clothing I was wearing and how sexy I am.
"He claimed you had his friend."
"I do, she's right down there."
"Well I'm not one for captivity." As my several years of spending time in prisons will attest to.
"Trezlan, Trezlan, they are the bad guys here, not me. Let me tell you a story of my enemies and when it's done you can decide what you want to do." And so I listened to a mad man explain why he's the one slighted. For a brief moment it reminded me of me... Wait shit that makes me sound bad. CURSE YOU INK!
Friday, January 3, 2014
Feels Weird Being So Hot
We were in a jungle, I couldn't tell you which direction we'd traveled, or how we'd come across a jungle that was exceptionally hot during the winter (everywhere else was cold, it was actually fairly weird one minute it was cold and snowy, the next tropical jungle). The Jungle was pretty dense, and full of wildlife, I couldn't see the creatures for the most part, but I could hear them.
"Ye gods its damned hot here." I had come in to the jungle wearing heavy furs, I was down to a loosely fitting bath robe and my underwear.
"It's not a natural heat."
"You're telling me I swear it was just snowing outside."
"No idiot the heat is a creation of magic."
"Right of course that's what I meant too." I did not actually mean that, though it should have been obvious. I did have to wonder how this jerk managed to make it hot without sacrificing half a town, but it told me maybe my spell would have worked! Sure it would have spawned a hellish heat that sapped the strength of my horse and myself as we traveled, but sacrifices have to be made from time to time! I wasn't joking about the heat sapping us either. I thought maybe it was just me (I've always reacted badly to changes in temperature) but my horse went out from under me not a few miles into the jungle, as did Guthlu's, we both collapsed to the ground and were unable to stand back up. Guthlu was still wearing his armor, which in this heat seemed like a dumb idea. We both passed out not too long after.
Honestly I blame this all on Guthlu, he knew more about this situation than I did, and maybe just maybe he should have warned me about the obscene heat? Maybe told me to dress lighter? I'm just saying!
"Ye gods its damned hot here." I had come in to the jungle wearing heavy furs, I was down to a loosely fitting bath robe and my underwear.
"It's not a natural heat."
"You're telling me I swear it was just snowing outside."
"No idiot the heat is a creation of magic."
"Right of course that's what I meant too." I did not actually mean that, though it should have been obvious. I did have to wonder how this jerk managed to make it hot without sacrificing half a town, but it told me maybe my spell would have worked! Sure it would have spawned a hellish heat that sapped the strength of my horse and myself as we traveled, but sacrifices have to be made from time to time! I wasn't joking about the heat sapping us either. I thought maybe it was just me (I've always reacted badly to changes in temperature) but my horse went out from under me not a few miles into the jungle, as did Guthlu's, we both collapsed to the ground and were unable to stand back up. Guthlu was still wearing his armor, which in this heat seemed like a dumb idea. We both passed out not too long after.
Honestly I blame this all on Guthlu, he knew more about this situation than I did, and maybe just maybe he should have warned me about the obscene heat? Maybe told me to dress lighter? I'm just saying!
Thursday, January 2, 2014
I Just Got Here Sorta
"Get off yer ass and get out here." It was Guthlu, he wanted me to come with him, I tried to inform him I was in no shape to go anywhere, but you know how insistent children of dead gods can be (except maybe you don't? Ok they are very insistent).
"Go away person I don't know who is at my door." This never works by the way, I've tried it several hundred years and everytime what will happen is they either break the door or threaten to break it and I relent. In this case the threat was enough to make me open it. Guthlu was once again dressed in his armor and brandishing a large axe (have these people not heard of fire arms? No of course not and that's why their god is dead).
"Come on you silly bastard you owe me and I intend for you to pay out." I don't know why I was a silly bastard when he was stomping into my room at the early parts of the morning, nor did I understand what I owed him, because clearly I would have killed the creature with something, I hadn't figured out what, but I'm sure I totally would have!
"What do you even want me to do?" I thought it was a valid question before embarking on a quest of stupidity (they are always stupid, no quest ever ends intelligently).
"I need you to free my friend from the grip of a powerful magic user." Didn't I just do this thing? I swear I did.
"And?"
"And we have to get going before she's killed you stupid git, now get your shit and get moving." Thankfully I didn't have a lot of things post imprisonment, and hadn't packed very much stuff to begin with (since I assumed it would be a couple days and I'd have Val out of prison by force of personality alone, yes I realize now how stupid that belief was). So I packed up my simple pack, ran down stairs with Guthlu (well I walked he ran, such is the life of being short IN YOUR FACE!) and hopped onto one of his horses on our way to fight another magical beast who was blah blah blah. Just know it was a long journey and my ass was sore for a week by the time we got there!
"Go away person I don't know who is at my door." This never works by the way, I've tried it several hundred years and everytime what will happen is they either break the door or threaten to break it and I relent. In this case the threat was enough to make me open it. Guthlu was once again dressed in his armor and brandishing a large axe (have these people not heard of fire arms? No of course not and that's why their god is dead).
"Come on you silly bastard you owe me and I intend for you to pay out." I don't know why I was a silly bastard when he was stomping into my room at the early parts of the morning, nor did I understand what I owed him, because clearly I would have killed the creature with something, I hadn't figured out what, but I'm sure I totally would have!
"What do you even want me to do?" I thought it was a valid question before embarking on a quest of stupidity (they are always stupid, no quest ever ends intelligently).
"I need you to free my friend from the grip of a powerful magic user." Didn't I just do this thing? I swear I did.
"And?"
"And we have to get going before she's killed you stupid git, now get your shit and get moving." Thankfully I didn't have a lot of things post imprisonment, and hadn't packed very much stuff to begin with (since I assumed it would be a couple days and I'd have Val out of prison by force of personality alone, yes I realize now how stupid that belief was). So I packed up my simple pack, ran down stairs with Guthlu (well I walked he ran, such is the life of being short IN YOUR FACE!) and hopped onto one of his horses on our way to fight another magical beast who was blah blah blah. Just know it was a long journey and my ass was sore for a week by the time we got there!
Wednesday, January 1, 2014
The Cat Other Cats Don't like Smiling
"As much as I enjoy flexing my might in the face of ridiculous beaucracy, what ever got into your mind to call me of all witnesses?" I had gotten rid of Val and Guthlu, they claimed to have something to do and wanted nothing to do with Hanlon, Hanlon for his part seemed amused by that. We were sitting in a restaurant I would never want to spend money in, everything was worth more than just about anything I owned, right down to the dainty napkins that were made of some long dead extinct creature. Hanlon was actually eating, I hadn't seen him eat before, and was surprised when he ordered rare meat (emphasis he said on the rare, I believe when it came out he had a chat with it prior to eating it).
"When I took the life of the man serving the creature there was one thing he was most afraid of, and that was you. I figured he didn't want the exact scene we had at the court house."
Hanlon smiled, "Oh I doubt that's why Mr. Boyle was afraid of me Trezlan, I'm quite certain he was afraid because his master was afraid, and it should have been." Hanlon stabbed a piece of meat with a bit of anger. "I'm glad your associate climbed up its ass to kill the creature, its a much nicer fate than it deserved." For a brief moment I got a look behind the man of Hanlon. Something he himself was angry about, it was weird to see someone who's only emotion was that of mild dissapointment show some real fire.
"What did you have against the creature?"
"Oh it and I had some unfinished business much like yourself and it, alas I never got my revenge personally, but by extension I hope that the creature knew one way or another I had brought about its demise." I wasn't really eating to be honest, the food on the menu confused me in a way that only women had previously managed.
"I'm at a loss as to how you brought about its demise."
"By helping you of course." He finished his meal, paid the check and left me all alone amongst people who were disgusted by my precense (I had even taken a bath recently, the nerve of some people!) I left and found a more affordable room in the city that was better than my jail cell (it was the plumbing that made it the worst, having to crap in public is something that should be reserved for trained animals and shorties, in that order). Of course I was woken up early in the morning by a dick, why wouldn't I have been?
"When I took the life of the man serving the creature there was one thing he was most afraid of, and that was you. I figured he didn't want the exact scene we had at the court house."
Hanlon smiled, "Oh I doubt that's why Mr. Boyle was afraid of me Trezlan, I'm quite certain he was afraid because his master was afraid, and it should have been." Hanlon stabbed a piece of meat with a bit of anger. "I'm glad your associate climbed up its ass to kill the creature, its a much nicer fate than it deserved." For a brief moment I got a look behind the man of Hanlon. Something he himself was angry about, it was weird to see someone who's only emotion was that of mild dissapointment show some real fire.
"What did you have against the creature?"
"Oh it and I had some unfinished business much like yourself and it, alas I never got my revenge personally, but by extension I hope that the creature knew one way or another I had brought about its demise." I wasn't really eating to be honest, the food on the menu confused me in a way that only women had previously managed.
"I'm at a loss as to how you brought about its demise."
"By helping you of course." He finished his meal, paid the check and left me all alone amongst people who were disgusted by my precense (I had even taken a bath recently, the nerve of some people!) I left and found a more affordable room in the city that was better than my jail cell (it was the plumbing that made it the worst, having to crap in public is something that should be reserved for trained animals and shorties, in that order). Of course I was woken up early in the morning by a dick, why wouldn't I have been?
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