"Guys this is all very nice but I don't need a feast in my honor." They had bound my hands and put me on a pole most likely to eat me, but I didn't want to jump to conclusions because you know maybe it was just a really nice feast and that was how they greeted guests? I mean sure their huts and other decorations were made from human bones, and there were the discarded remnants of other visitors nearby, but again I was trying not to judge (it was part of my new softer nicer don't murder everyone I run across Trezlan Lorentino, which sadly never lasts what can I say murder solves everything, literally everything in the world can be solved by murder, including all the murders). They did have a bunch of weird fruits and vegetables, but again those were probably garnishes, I saw no real meat for their very large fire.
Their language was interesting, I could pick up snippets from several really old languages I thought had died out, but it wasn't consistent. Which made trying to figure out what they were saying a real bitch, and trying to talk to them in my language completely impossible (didn't stop me from trying of course). The shorties themselves were dressed in a variety of too big for them sea merchant clothing items (I sell clothes I know what seamn like to wear), which again wasn't really talking very well to the not eating me part of the day. They had my sword sitting next to a large bone throne (always concerting bone thrones, because people who sit upon them are usually bad people I say usually because...)
"STOP!" The voice was commanding, and female. The shorties looked to its owner and a woman glad in armor that seemed to glow in the afternoon sun was its owner. They all stopped, she strode forward to me and cut my bindings. "Mr. Lorentino, I've been expecting you."
Patently ridiculous, impossible, and however unlikely completley right. I tell you it seems like everyone else in this universe is operating from a script I don't have access to. Maybe I should ask that weird guy Hanlon about it, but I'm sure I'd get a decidedly Hanlon answer to my inquiry.
Wednesday, July 31, 2013
Tuesday, July 30, 2013
Plenty of Trees, Clean Water, Cannibals
My ship was completely destroyed (I say my ship even though I stole it from the Followers and I'd had it for all of a day before I crashed it), the sail flapped harmlessly in the wind from where it had collided with the island, in a way it was like me waving the white flag saying "No more, I can take no more of this bullshit." Still my head hurting, I managed to hobble out of the wreck up the sandy beach and into the jungle. Because previous experience has always told me the best way to deal with a new place is to hobble walk your way right into danger.
You know how these things go though. I mean the trees were nice and green, I could see a couple streams that looked to have clear water, and I didn't hear any vicious animals. I mean what could possibly go wrong here (other than you know literally everything that has ever happened to me ever all the damn time why do I keep asking these questions?). I noticed there were signs of people having been in the jungle. Plants had been disturbed, trails were apparent, and I could make out both boot and foot prints.
This was indication one that things were not all good on this island. Because I either landed on the opposite part of where a dock was (a possibility considering how I had arrived there hap hazardly) or for some reason people arrived here, but do not establish colonies or trading or whatever. This is never a good sign, because in this world we are currently populating freaking everywhere! So to find a place that looked liveable yet had no one actually living there in an obvious way? Yeah bad things. I readied my sword (did I mention I got my sword back? Yeah I got my sword back, bam mentioned) and continued on right into a net trap that sent me launching into the air. But I'm a fire user I burned the net collided with the ground and found myself surrounded by feral shorties with sharp knives (to call their knives swords would be an insult to the word sword).
"Hello!" I tried to be jovial in the face of potentially lethal shorty bastards, but you know I don't think they were really listening to me (their not welcoming me stance told me of that). I'd have been more worried, but they were shorties, I mean come on! All the same they seemed to indicate they wanted me to go with them (by stabbing and gesturing like rude little assholes) and not wanting to start my island vacation off with murdering the inhabitants (I usually wait to do that till after they have somehow wronged me, or upset me, or just generally pissed me off, look I don't wait that long). And of course thats exactly what happened.
Its like I always say, give shorties an inch and they'll still be shorter than you. BOOM IN YOUR FACE YOU MIDGET BASTARDS!
You know how these things go though. I mean the trees were nice and green, I could see a couple streams that looked to have clear water, and I didn't hear any vicious animals. I mean what could possibly go wrong here (other than you know literally everything that has ever happened to me ever all the damn time why do I keep asking these questions?). I noticed there were signs of people having been in the jungle. Plants had been disturbed, trails were apparent, and I could make out both boot and foot prints.
This was indication one that things were not all good on this island. Because I either landed on the opposite part of where a dock was (a possibility considering how I had arrived there hap hazardly) or for some reason people arrived here, but do not establish colonies or trading or whatever. This is never a good sign, because in this world we are currently populating freaking everywhere! So to find a place that looked liveable yet had no one actually living there in an obvious way? Yeah bad things. I readied my sword (did I mention I got my sword back? Yeah I got my sword back, bam mentioned) and continued on right into a net trap that sent me launching into the air. But I'm a fire user I burned the net collided with the ground and found myself surrounded by feral shorties with sharp knives (to call their knives swords would be an insult to the word sword).
"Hello!" I tried to be jovial in the face of potentially lethal shorty bastards, but you know I don't think they were really listening to me (their not welcoming me stance told me of that). I'd have been more worried, but they were shorties, I mean come on! All the same they seemed to indicate they wanted me to go with them (by stabbing and gesturing like rude little assholes) and not wanting to start my island vacation off with murdering the inhabitants (I usually wait to do that till after they have somehow wronged me, or upset me, or just generally pissed me off, look I don't wait that long). And of course thats exactly what happened.
Its like I always say, give shorties an inch and they'll still be shorter than you. BOOM IN YOUR FACE YOU MIDGET BASTARDS!
Monday, July 29, 2013
Over the Seas Lets Go Dumb
Feeling the sun on your face, the wind in your hair you feel really alive. Sailing is one of those things that you can't explain why its so fun until you are on the water actually doing it. Then you feel like you should always be sailing, that its the one thing you have in life thats fun and why don't you do more of it? These moments last until the first mishap causes the sail to come swinging from its locked position to your skull, the winds change, the sun fades and you are suddenly in the midst of a violent storm you swear you didn't see coming.
Yes I went from being all happy and "I'M SAILING!" to clocked upside the head dealing with blood streaming from the wound and having to try and right the small boat I was on now that a storm had hit. On top of that despite it not having appeared during the nice part of sailing, I was suddenly having sea sickness and vomiting (though that could have also been a result of the head wound) at least my bladder infection had mostly subsided so I didn't piss myself while vomiting and frantically trying to regain control of my ship.
It was futile, I'm not a good sailor in the best of conditions and certainly not trained to handle terrible weather (or trained at all to be perfectly honest). Which factored in with where I ended up. See apparently I thought I was sailing home (which would be north) I was actually sailing east, which would not be home at all, nor anywhere near a large land mass outside of a continent very very far away from me. Thankfully I collided with an island, not so thankfully the ship was destroyed in the meantime and I broke my damn arm on top of the head wound. So it was one of those lose, lose, good gods how much did I lose. Moments. At least the island wasn't completely uninhabited, but like everything else, THAT WAS THE PROBLEM!
Yes I went from being all happy and "I'M SAILING!" to clocked upside the head dealing with blood streaming from the wound and having to try and right the small boat I was on now that a storm had hit. On top of that despite it not having appeared during the nice part of sailing, I was suddenly having sea sickness and vomiting (though that could have also been a result of the head wound) at least my bladder infection had mostly subsided so I didn't piss myself while vomiting and frantically trying to regain control of my ship.
It was futile, I'm not a good sailor in the best of conditions and certainly not trained to handle terrible weather (or trained at all to be perfectly honest). Which factored in with where I ended up. See apparently I thought I was sailing home (which would be north) I was actually sailing east, which would not be home at all, nor anywhere near a large land mass outside of a continent very very far away from me. Thankfully I collided with an island, not so thankfully the ship was destroyed in the meantime and I broke my damn arm on top of the head wound. So it was one of those lose, lose, good gods how much did I lose. Moments. At least the island wasn't completely uninhabited, but like everything else, THAT WAS THE PROBLEM!
Friday, July 26, 2013
Don't Write, Don't Visit
I was sitting on the dock overlooking the remaining boat back away from Toebeck island. It was a single sail ship not really designed for long distances with barely enough space for food and water to make it back to the mainland, especially with how I sail (very badly). The island was once again on fire as the last time I was there, this time though the ghosts were all at least at rest, having their spider god not be resurrected and the people who perturbed them dead or fled probably helped (though again I KILLED A LOT OF THESE PEOPLE TO BEGIN WITH!) I tell you its almost like the dead have poor memories or something. Its just weird they are ok with their murderer (I need to find a way to extend this to society at large... just in case you know). I sat looking at the ship because I didn't know what to say to my father. I mean we weren't close, we weren't nice to each other, and I killed him, but I still felt some kind of emotional reason to say good bye.
"So..." It was my best opening.
"Just leave Trezlan, you've done enough." That was the completely distanced man I remember from my childhood.
"We're good?"
"No, but this was all my fault to begin with, so its best you just leave and let us rest." Seemed like a good enough kind of answer, so I loaded up my ship and set off for home. Except as always, it didn't work out like that, because the gods hate me more than they hate my father who wound up as a ghost summoned only by the son he hated/killed him. Went a little dark there, not apologizing!
"So..." It was my best opening.
"Just leave Trezlan, you've done enough." That was the completely distanced man I remember from my childhood.
"We're good?"
"No, but this was all my fault to begin with, so its best you just leave and let us rest." Seemed like a good enough kind of answer, so I loaded up my ship and set off for home. Except as always, it didn't work out like that, because the gods hate me more than they hate my father who wound up as a ghost summoned only by the son he hated/killed him. Went a little dark there, not apologizing!
Thursday, July 25, 2013
I May Have Skipped Ahead
"Everything is gone, and this is all your fault." Ok yes I've skipped ahead a little bit, just know that my amazing plan to use the ghosts as a form of flying chariot was a rousing success and that I am truely the greatest necro/pyromancer who has ever lived.
"You and your petty group of dicks should have known I'd do something like this, as I have and I'm not joking done this exact thing before." I tell you people read about my history (or have it presented to them orally by some half dead person) and then completely ignore how dangerous I am. I mean in all honesty the best way to deal with me would be a long range rifle, not that I'm giving suggestions or anything.
The Bandolier was less impressed with me. You may be wondering why I left him alive, because I like to gloat. Look I'm not saying I'm exactly the smartest guy in the world, but apparently I am the most efficient. Everything was on fire of course, some of the followers had forsaken their belief and fled (a killing offense in their religion, but its not like anyone who saw them fled enough to care was still alive). My army of ghosts who they could not see were looking on in probably a hilarious recollection of the last time I did this.
"You will let the weak survive and the strong will suffer."
"Nah pretty sure I just killed the weak, at least the weak minded." He charged at me, blindly firing his pistols as he did. To my amazement the bullets didn't find their mark, the ghosts who were standing around me had stopped them. The Bandolier himself was stopped before he reached me, the ghosts seized upon him like rabid animals and tore him apart. It was very graphic. I just stood there watching the carnage, my father appeared beside me as well. It was a nice family moment. Yep even in death my family is horrible. What else would you expect?
"You and your petty group of dicks should have known I'd do something like this, as I have and I'm not joking done this exact thing before." I tell you people read about my history (or have it presented to them orally by some half dead person) and then completely ignore how dangerous I am. I mean in all honesty the best way to deal with me would be a long range rifle, not that I'm giving suggestions or anything.
The Bandolier was less impressed with me. You may be wondering why I left him alive, because I like to gloat. Look I'm not saying I'm exactly the smartest guy in the world, but apparently I am the most efficient. Everything was on fire of course, some of the followers had forsaken their belief and fled (a killing offense in their religion, but its not like anyone who saw them fled enough to care was still alive). My army of ghosts who they could not see were looking on in probably a hilarious recollection of the last time I did this.
"You will let the weak survive and the strong will suffer."
"Nah pretty sure I just killed the weak, at least the weak minded." He charged at me, blindly firing his pistols as he did. To my amazement the bullets didn't find their mark, the ghosts who were standing around me had stopped them. The Bandolier himself was stopped before he reached me, the ghosts seized upon him like rabid animals and tore him apart. It was very graphic. I just stood there watching the carnage, my father appeared beside me as well. It was a nice family moment. Yep even in death my family is horrible. What else would you expect?
Wednesday, July 24, 2013
Family Plans
"This seems like I've seen this plan before." My father had reappeared after I had set some people on fire (I guess he didn't want to see his own fate repeated back to himself? Well that or he had other things to do in the afterlife, like watch people bathe, gods know thats what I would do).
"Yeah its similar to what I did to your followers."
"Right of course set the whole island on fire, it worked once why not again." He was actually supportive of my plan, it was very strange to hear my father being so positive about me. I guess it took death and hundreds of years for him to realize how much he appreciated me. Either that or because I was there I had upset the ghosts living there and the faster I finished the quicker they'd be rid of me and go back to living quiet existence. I'm going to take the one that means my father cares about me more than the one that is probably true.
"I'm going to need you and your friends one more time father." I didn't like having to call on ghosts who can only hurt me and have every reason to do so. But it was the situation I found myself in. I mean sure I could set things on fire and just hope that winds took care of the rest, or I could have some ghosts usher me in on their shoulders like a boss and totally set waste to things like a flying firey agent of death. Of course I chose option two, because I'm a gods damned boss!
"Yeah its similar to what I did to your followers."
"Right of course set the whole island on fire, it worked once why not again." He was actually supportive of my plan, it was very strange to hear my father being so positive about me. I guess it took death and hundreds of years for him to realize how much he appreciated me. Either that or because I was there I had upset the ghosts living there and the faster I finished the quicker they'd be rid of me and go back to living quiet existence. I'm going to take the one that means my father cares about me more than the one that is probably true.
"I'm going to need you and your friends one more time father." I didn't like having to call on ghosts who can only hurt me and have every reason to do so. But it was the situation I found myself in. I mean sure I could set things on fire and just hope that winds took care of the rest, or I could have some ghosts usher me in on their shoulders like a boss and totally set waste to things like a flying firey agent of death. Of course I chose option two, because I'm a gods damned boss!
Tuesday, July 23, 2013
Wars Don't Work Like That
"You see if we resurrect the spider god she'll start a war, and the wheat will be cut from the shaft."
"Chaff."
"What?"
"The wheat would be cut from the chaff, not the shaft you idiot, the phrase is wheat cut from the chaff, have you ever harvested something? Nevermind." I tell you people get that stupid phrase wrong all the damned, time. Just like mess with the bull and get the horns, some idiots have taken to say and get gored, no shit you get gored, but what do you get gored by? THE HORNS YOU IDIOTS!
"What are you talking about?" I tell you these followers of fire can't follow a simple correction. Its the venomos poisonous thing all over again.
"That your guys plan is beyond moronic, you are being used by a dead god to resurrect itself to murder the entire world, so that you can please your live god by bringing conflict, without realizing you are actually supporting an enemy of your god, like a bunch of damned fools." I tell you I don't worship the fire god, and even I know she doesn't like people starting conflicts in her name (if she did there'd be damned wars everywhere all the time which there are, but you know, not started by her followers! They are started by people like myself, Morley and Hanlon you know people doing it for their own ends at the expense of other... you know what nevermind.)
"That's our plan, you said you'd let me go." I burned him to death, I never said I'd let him go, I just said I'd necromance him, completely different things. So the dumb followers of fire wanted to start a war and thought they'd bring back one of my old enemies to do it. Bad move, they should have just resurrected a god I hadn't killed, then I would have been none the wiser. Wait should I really give my enemies advice on that kind of thing? Nevermind all of these idiots are dead so no worry.
"Chaff."
"What?"
"The wheat would be cut from the chaff, not the shaft you idiot, the phrase is wheat cut from the chaff, have you ever harvested something? Nevermind." I tell you people get that stupid phrase wrong all the damned, time. Just like mess with the bull and get the horns, some idiots have taken to say and get gored, no shit you get gored, but what do you get gored by? THE HORNS YOU IDIOTS!
"What are you talking about?" I tell you these followers of fire can't follow a simple correction. Its the venomos poisonous thing all over again.
"That your guys plan is beyond moronic, you are being used by a dead god to resurrect itself to murder the entire world, so that you can please your live god by bringing conflict, without realizing you are actually supporting an enemy of your god, like a bunch of damned fools." I tell you I don't worship the fire god, and even I know she doesn't like people starting conflicts in her name (if she did there'd be damned wars everywhere all the time which there are, but you know, not started by her followers! They are started by people like myself, Morley and Hanlon you know people doing it for their own ends at the expense of other... you know what nevermind.)
"That's our plan, you said you'd let me go." I burned him to death, I never said I'd let him go, I just said I'd necromance him, completely different things. So the dumb followers of fire wanted to start a war and thought they'd bring back one of my old enemies to do it. Bad move, they should have just resurrected a god I hadn't killed, then I would have been none the wiser. Wait should I really give my enemies advice on that kind of thing? Nevermind all of these idiots are dead so no worry.
Monday, July 22, 2013
Followers of Being Set on Fire
"Lorentino you are going to be coming out of there whether you want to or not." It was a threat uttered at the mouth of a cave by an idiot. I say idiot because he didn't know I was unshackled, he didn't know I knew they were coming from a mile away, and he didn't know I was tired of messing around with the dumb followers of fire (trying to execute me on an altar tends to make me lose my patience).
"Whoever you are I'd hope you're prepared to meet your god, because I'm more than prepared to send you to her." I don't make threats people, I make promises, promises backed up by fire, lots of fire. Four of them came rushing into the cave, four of them got ignited and burned to death, I stepped over their corpses to find other members waiting their pistols drawn. I swiped them with a gout of flame, their screams showed they weren't exactly as ready for the afterlife as they claimed to be. The leader the man who had told me I was coming with them was backing off his eyes wide (setting people on fire tends to make people more than a little afraid of you, that and I tend to be more theatrical when I've lost my temper, it helps to play into the idea that you've gone corrupted because frankly non magical people fear corrupted magicals like boogeymen, for good reason mind you, but still its a little silly at times).
"Stttaaay back." His voice wavered, his pistol was leveled at my feet, I was in no mood so I exploded his pistol (got to love heat and bullets in open cylinders), his hand went with the pistol.
"Now you are going to tell me everything you know about this little bullshit parade or you'll find out why I'm a feared necromancer." His eyes widened at that last part, he probably would have been a bit more afraid if I hadn't also stopped to take a leak (damned bladder infection), still I thought I got my point across pretty well. And he spilled the whole sad plan, I tell you it was almost enough to make me cry, about how gods damned stupid it was. But that will of course be tomorrows entry.
"Whoever you are I'd hope you're prepared to meet your god, because I'm more than prepared to send you to her." I don't make threats people, I make promises, promises backed up by fire, lots of fire. Four of them came rushing into the cave, four of them got ignited and burned to death, I stepped over their corpses to find other members waiting their pistols drawn. I swiped them with a gout of flame, their screams showed they weren't exactly as ready for the afterlife as they claimed to be. The leader the man who had told me I was coming with them was backing off his eyes wide (setting people on fire tends to make people more than a little afraid of you, that and I tend to be more theatrical when I've lost my temper, it helps to play into the idea that you've gone corrupted because frankly non magical people fear corrupted magicals like boogeymen, for good reason mind you, but still its a little silly at times).
"Stttaaay back." His voice wavered, his pistol was leveled at my feet, I was in no mood so I exploded his pistol (got to love heat and bullets in open cylinders), his hand went with the pistol.
"Now you are going to tell me everything you know about this little bullshit parade or you'll find out why I'm a feared necromancer." His eyes widened at that last part, he probably would have been a bit more afraid if I hadn't also stopped to take a leak (damned bladder infection), still I thought I got my point across pretty well. And he spilled the whole sad plan, I tell you it was almost enough to make me cry, about how gods damned stupid it was. But that will of course be tomorrows entry.
Friday, July 19, 2013
The Most Help My Father Ever Gave Me
I was thrown off the altar with force and immeadiately began being carried away by unseen hands. The Followers of Fire were understandably surprised by this as was I. My father had moved from his looking on in dispassion to riding a spirit horse alongside me as I was carried away from the Followers. I could see now that what was carrying me were other spirits of the island, which made sense. My father told me he could only interact with me, so could the other spirits, so if they couldn't attack the followers they could still drag me out of there, which they seemed quite happy to do. A little over eager to be honest, I mean I didn't want to complain but they were dragging me pretty fast and since the jungle had retaken the island the trees and brush was hitting my face pretty damned hard.
The Jungle at least slowed up my pursuers (because they weren't being carried by ghosts escorted by their ghost father) eventually they fell behind and my ghost runners brought me back to a cave I had so many fond memories of. I got dropped there and the ghosts as quickly as they appeared dissappeared. Leaving me with the ghost of my father in the cave I hid from him many times. He motioned me inside and I followed.
"This is only temporary they will find you Trezlan."
"I know." I made sure to get my hands out from behind my back and the shackles in front of me. I hoped somehow despite hundreds of years and who knows what being back on Toebeck island something from my youth would still be in the cave (a foolish hope but that was my entire life foolish hopes). The cave actually had a lot of junk in it, more so than when I'd last been there. Probably from an exploded ship that possibly washed ashore hundreds of years ago and other ships like it (no idea who did that...) I found some rusted metal to serve me well and got to work on picking the lock on the shackles.
"I wasn't the best father." It was an understatement for a man who sold his son into slavery and then tried to kill him as part of some weird spider cult, but you know admissions are always nice, even if they come post death.
"I wasn't the best son, I mean I did kill you after all, but don't worry we all have our drawbacks." The shackles lock clicked and I felt the magic come rushing back in, power like anything else is missed when it isn't there.
"So what's your plan?"
"Same one I always do, kill everyone get off the island forget I was ever here." That will always be my go to strategy, besides past is prologue, and I've already burned this damn island to the ground once, might as well do it again.
The Jungle at least slowed up my pursuers (because they weren't being carried by ghosts escorted by their ghost father) eventually they fell behind and my ghost runners brought me back to a cave I had so many fond memories of. I got dropped there and the ghosts as quickly as they appeared dissappeared. Leaving me with the ghost of my father in the cave I hid from him many times. He motioned me inside and I followed.
"This is only temporary they will find you Trezlan."
"I know." I made sure to get my hands out from behind my back and the shackles in front of me. I hoped somehow despite hundreds of years and who knows what being back on Toebeck island something from my youth would still be in the cave (a foolish hope but that was my entire life foolish hopes). The cave actually had a lot of junk in it, more so than when I'd last been there. Probably from an exploded ship that possibly washed ashore hundreds of years ago and other ships like it (no idea who did that...) I found some rusted metal to serve me well and got to work on picking the lock on the shackles.
"I wasn't the best father." It was an understatement for a man who sold his son into slavery and then tried to kill him as part of some weird spider cult, but you know admissions are always nice, even if they come post death.
"I wasn't the best son, I mean I did kill you after all, but don't worry we all have our drawbacks." The shackles lock clicked and I felt the magic come rushing back in, power like anything else is missed when it isn't there.
"So what's your plan?"
"Same one I always do, kill everyone get off the island forget I was ever here." That will always be my go to strategy, besides past is prologue, and I've already burned this damn island to the ground once, might as well do it again.
Thursday, July 18, 2013
This Looks More Than A Little Bad
"Ok so just ghost me out of here." He looked at me sternly, I recalled that look as a young child though it had been several hundred years since I'd seen it.
"How would I just 'ghost' you out of here?"
"You just hit me, so knock out some guards and get me out of here before they murder me, that's what you're here for right?"
"I can only interact with you." He said as a resignation which told me he'd tried doing something earlier and failed. It was the closest thing I'd ever heard from my father admitting a fault ever, and this was hundreds of years post death, the man just never admits to mistakes (unlike me).
"Well shit that does put us in a bit of a bind." I was shackled in a shack on a beach surrounded by a religion that believes in conflict about to be sacrificed to resurrect a dead spider god for some really stupid reason I hadn't figured out yet. I also had sand in an uncomfortable place and a bladder infection. My life was coming up awesome. I waited because that was all I had left, my father didn't say anything just sat there and stared (really unnerving).
Eventually someone came to get me and I was brought to the site of where I'd slain the spider god (relatively I mean it wasn't like I'd marked it with anything but destruction). They had set up a little altar there and some other blood sacrifices had also recently been made, hopefully willingly, most likely not. I did have to see a bit of an issue with worshippers of one god hoping to resurrect another god, but it wasn't exactly my business to question the religious beliefs of crazy fanatics (well it kind of was, but I mean it wasn't exactly helpful to question them). So they lowered my head onto the sacrificial altar and I have to admit things were looking very very bad. And they were about to get worse. Tomorrow though I have to drag this out or you'll just read some other journal you found next to a dead body of a guy who drank the wrong thing or something (I always speculate about how I'll die, I'm weird like that).
"How would I just 'ghost' you out of here?"
"You just hit me, so knock out some guards and get me out of here before they murder me, that's what you're here for right?"
"I can only interact with you." He said as a resignation which told me he'd tried doing something earlier and failed. It was the closest thing I'd ever heard from my father admitting a fault ever, and this was hundreds of years post death, the man just never admits to mistakes (unlike me).
"Well shit that does put us in a bit of a bind." I was shackled in a shack on a beach surrounded by a religion that believes in conflict about to be sacrificed to resurrect a dead spider god for some really stupid reason I hadn't figured out yet. I also had sand in an uncomfortable place and a bladder infection. My life was coming up awesome. I waited because that was all I had left, my father didn't say anything just sat there and stared (really unnerving).
Eventually someone came to get me and I was brought to the site of where I'd slain the spider god (relatively I mean it wasn't like I'd marked it with anything but destruction). They had set up a little altar there and some other blood sacrifices had also recently been made, hopefully willingly, most likely not. I did have to see a bit of an issue with worshippers of one god hoping to resurrect another god, but it wasn't exactly my business to question the religious beliefs of crazy fanatics (well it kind of was, but I mean it wasn't exactly helpful to question them). So they lowered my head onto the sacrificial altar and I have to admit things were looking very very bad. And they were about to get worse. Tomorrow though I have to drag this out or you'll just read some other journal you found next to a dead body of a guy who drank the wrong thing or something (I always speculate about how I'll die, I'm weird like that).
Wednesday, July 17, 2013
Father Son Bonding Time
"Are you real?" It was my father of course, no one else would confuse me to the extent that the ghost person looking at me would. My father was of course several hundred years dead having died by my hand and I thought I'd settled that whole thing. So naturally he had come back as a ghost because my life sucks. He didn't speak at first, just stared I forgot how unsettling his eyes were (not like because he was my father but because his eyes were just piercing, if he was completely unknown to me the eyes would still cause me to be taken back).
"Only my son would be such a damn fool." Those were his first words to me in hundreds of years, I have to say it was like starting out all over again.
"Nice to see you too person who is not some kind of bladder infection spawned madness."
"You know damn well I ain't got nothing to do with your dick problems boy, though it makes me glad to know your in misery." That's my father everyone!
"So you're here to gloat I take it?"
"I'm here because you're here, the blood of my blood brought back to my home woke me and the others from our rest."
"So you're saying that me coming back woke up all the dead ghosts I killed the last time I was here?"
"Yes."
"Man that is not how it works anywhere else because let me tell you..." He hit me at that point, which seemed weird to get struck by a ghost dad. I mean shouldn't he have expressed love and regret? I had to remember this was the ghost of my real father not one I'd made up in my head to feel better (that I've never put to paper because lets be honest I lie enough without taking just lying about things that I've already written about).
"You better get your head on straight before you get sacrificed Trezlan."
"Wouldn't that make you feel better since I kind of killed you and everyone else here?" See this is where I was more than a little confused.
"No idiot, its not like I didn't figure out in the afterlife that being a spider god's bitch was a good deal for me."
"Right." I didn't exactly feel that, I mean he signed on in life and changed his mind in death? But whatever this was the closest to an actual father child relationship I'd ever had I had to milk it for what it was worth right? Sadly like most things in my life it was temporary (no I don't have a ghost father as a partner now or anything, that would be a little too weird).
"Only my son would be such a damn fool." Those were his first words to me in hundreds of years, I have to say it was like starting out all over again.
"Nice to see you too person who is not some kind of bladder infection spawned madness."
"You know damn well I ain't got nothing to do with your dick problems boy, though it makes me glad to know your in misery." That's my father everyone!
"So you're here to gloat I take it?"
"I'm here because you're here, the blood of my blood brought back to my home woke me and the others from our rest."
"So you're saying that me coming back woke up all the dead ghosts I killed the last time I was here?"
"Yes."
"Man that is not how it works anywhere else because let me tell you..." He hit me at that point, which seemed weird to get struck by a ghost dad. I mean shouldn't he have expressed love and regret? I had to remember this was the ghost of my real father not one I'd made up in my head to feel better (that I've never put to paper because lets be honest I lie enough without taking just lying about things that I've already written about).
"You better get your head on straight before you get sacrificed Trezlan."
"Wouldn't that make you feel better since I kind of killed you and everyone else here?" See this is where I was more than a little confused.
"No idiot, its not like I didn't figure out in the afterlife that being a spider god's bitch was a good deal for me."
"Right." I didn't exactly feel that, I mean he signed on in life and changed his mind in death? But whatever this was the closest to an actual father child relationship I'd ever had I had to milk it for what it was worth right? Sadly like most things in my life it was temporary (no I don't have a ghost father as a partner now or anything, that would be a little too weird).
Tuesday, July 16, 2013
No, No No No NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
I could see the Island coming into focus and my heart dropped into my shoes. You see there are certain things I hate more than anything else (shorties, people asking me for help, small children, other people, everything), but returning to the island of my youth and spider god drama topped that list. Yes Toebeck Island, the Followers of Fire were taking me home. And yes at this point I realized I wasn't as smooth as I had thought and noticed everyone around me was a large person that could break me and I was very much on the ocean. By the time the island was in sight I'd already been clapped in anti magical shackles and brought ashore where the bandolier was waiting for me a grin on his face.
"Mr. Lorentino so pleasant to see you." I wanted to do so many bad things to him, I mean he had played me like some kind of instrument and I had gone along like an idiot. So I did what I could and peed on him (look I held it all that time on the boat as best I could). He showed little issue with my act of defiance and then thumbed my captors to deposit me in a shack. I did kind of marvel at how Toebeck had been rebuilt since the last time I was there. A testament to how horrible places always get rebuilt as much as the nice ones (or that an island between too trade partners will always have a reason to be reconstructed). I half expected Nidget and Andre to be in the shed I was tossed into as well, but they weren't, because of course they weren't. They were actually on a mission of delay set up by the church to get them out of town and to get my interest. That's how effectively I got played, my friends were never in danger in the first place (woops did I say friends? I mean uhh assholes who bother me). Everyone from the old lady to the dead priest were to drag me out to the land of my birth to try and wake up a dead spider god.
Woops that last part forget I wrote that until tomorrow. I SAID FORGET I WROTE THAT!
"Mr. Lorentino so pleasant to see you." I wanted to do so many bad things to him, I mean he had played me like some kind of instrument and I had gone along like an idiot. So I did what I could and peed on him (look I held it all that time on the boat as best I could). He showed little issue with my act of defiance and then thumbed my captors to deposit me in a shack. I did kind of marvel at how Toebeck had been rebuilt since the last time I was there. A testament to how horrible places always get rebuilt as much as the nice ones (or that an island between too trade partners will always have a reason to be reconstructed). I half expected Nidget and Andre to be in the shed I was tossed into as well, but they weren't, because of course they weren't. They were actually on a mission of delay set up by the church to get them out of town and to get my interest. That's how effectively I got played, my friends were never in danger in the first place (woops did I say friends? I mean uhh assholes who bother me). Everyone from the old lady to the dead priest were to drag me out to the land of my birth to try and wake up a dead spider god.
Woops that last part forget I wrote that until tomorrow. I SAID FORGET I WROTE THAT!
Monday, July 15, 2013
I Am a Master of Disguise
Sitting on a boat being carried to wherever the Followers of Fire were conducting their henious whatever I started to wonder if I had succeeded a little too easy. I mean I found some of their robes out in the open with a convenient hood, there was a large group of followers who happened to need another boat arriving shortly after I donned my disguise, and no one at any point questioned an additional follower arriving out of nowhere. If my ego wasn't so gigantic I might have started to worry I was being set up.
Of course I was being set up and this was apparent as soon as the boat sailed south to a familiar horrible place. You see thats the other part of having a healthy ego, you keep thinking your ahead of the game until you are being taken off the board. I should have known things had come to easy at multiple occaisions. In my defense it was more of a longer con than most evil plans against me, so its not like I could have easily seen how many people had mislead me. AND on top of all of this I was dealing with the bladder infection, so you know I had multiple things going on. Anyway all of this to say that things were not going as well as I percieved them to be and that was intentional and thats where I'll leave you. I've got business with the courts today, some kind of something or other I don't read the summons it makes it more exciting when you just show up (yes this works about as well as you'd expect).
Of course I was being set up and this was apparent as soon as the boat sailed south to a familiar horrible place. You see thats the other part of having a healthy ego, you keep thinking your ahead of the game until you are being taken off the board. I should have known things had come to easy at multiple occaisions. In my defense it was more of a longer con than most evil plans against me, so its not like I could have easily seen how many people had mislead me. AND on top of all of this I was dealing with the bladder infection, so you know I had multiple things going on. Anyway all of this to say that things were not going as well as I percieved them to be and that was intentional and thats where I'll leave you. I've got business with the courts today, some kind of something or other I don't read the summons it makes it more exciting when you just show up (yes this works about as well as you'd expect).
Friday, July 12, 2013
I Listen To No One
When people tell me to not pursue something they are really telling me "Trezlan you must do this for all that is horrible in this world." Well thats what I hear anyway (no reversing it doesn't make me avoid doing it either, basically when I set my mind to something I'm all in everytime, much to my considerable detriment). I waited for the Bandolier to have a bit of a lead in front of me and then followed after. It occured to me he probably expected me to do this and he was probably not going to Andre and Nidget directly, but its not like I had other leads (the priest he had killed was very dead and very much empty of information).
He was heading south towards the water which scared me because I hate water and boats and everything to do with evil ceremonies carried out on water (also because it weakens my ability to call fire, weakens it not eliminates it, but it does make me risk more corruption to unleash the full extent of my firey fury). When he got to the beach and boarded a boat surrounded by Followers of Fire I cursed my luck. Either they were headed to an island or another larger ship out in the ocean, either way I had no way of following without it being obvious I was (well more obvious than my tailing already was). Out of options and losing daylight I decided to do the stupidest thing I could, pretend to be a member of the Followers and hope for the best. Look I already said it was the stupidest idea I could no need to guffaw I can hear you through the gaps of space and time!
He was heading south towards the water which scared me because I hate water and boats and everything to do with evil ceremonies carried out on water (also because it weakens my ability to call fire, weakens it not eliminates it, but it does make me risk more corruption to unleash the full extent of my firey fury). When he got to the beach and boarded a boat surrounded by Followers of Fire I cursed my luck. Either they were headed to an island or another larger ship out in the ocean, either way I had no way of following without it being obvious I was (well more obvious than my tailing already was). Out of options and losing daylight I decided to do the stupidest thing I could, pretend to be a member of the Followers and hope for the best. Look I already said it was the stupidest idea I could no need to guffaw I can hear you through the gaps of space and time!
Thursday, July 11, 2013
This Is One of Those Self Peeing Trees
"Lorentino? Nope don't know a Lorentino and if you don't mind I'll just be going." I heard the cock of a hammer and knew that my option for fleeing was kind of minimized (kind of I mean I didn't know if he had a bead on me or was just being ahem cocky). He stepped around the tree and I could see his pistol looked fairly large and imposing, much like the rest of him.
"Keep your hands where I can see them, and no sudden magical moves or I'll shoot you dead, do you understand?" I like commands like this, because it implies they aren't intending on killing me unless I make them do it, and I very much don't want to make them do it.
"Can I at least put my penis away I mean I still have the bladder infection I don't want it to get worse." This softened him up exactly as I intended it to (and I did want to put my dick away, its just rude to be talking while swinging in the breeze as it were). He still had the pistol pointed at me, but you know he looked more at ease.
"This situation you want to involve yourself in, is bigger than you Lorentino, for your sake I'd say leave it alone, let nature take its course."
"Yeah sure I'll do that." He sighed, it was the sigh of a man who was about to have to back up a violent threat with actual violence, I know it well. He struck me across the bridge of my nose, it was a blow that made my eyes swim and gave me a bloody nose.
"That is the last warning you'll recieve, if I see you again I'll kill you, I will not let a tempestuous necromancer with a god complex stop my order from our divine mission." He then left threat delivered my eyes watering and my need to take another piss already singing in my bowels. I have mentioned before my hatred of Zealots (except of course when their zealotry involves me naturally) so I knew right then and there I had to stop whatever the Followers of Fire were planning, and not just because Andre and Nidget were my friends and possibly in danger. No this was entirely about Zealotry and not a desire to save two of the only people who put up with me on a consistent basis. Yep!
"Keep your hands where I can see them, and no sudden magical moves or I'll shoot you dead, do you understand?" I like commands like this, because it implies they aren't intending on killing me unless I make them do it, and I very much don't want to make them do it.
"Can I at least put my penis away I mean I still have the bladder infection I don't want it to get worse." This softened him up exactly as I intended it to (and I did want to put my dick away, its just rude to be talking while swinging in the breeze as it were). He still had the pistol pointed at me, but you know he looked more at ease.
"This situation you want to involve yourself in, is bigger than you Lorentino, for your sake I'd say leave it alone, let nature take its course."
"Yeah sure I'll do that." He sighed, it was the sigh of a man who was about to have to back up a violent threat with actual violence, I know it well. He struck me across the bridge of my nose, it was a blow that made my eyes swim and gave me a bloody nose.
"That is the last warning you'll recieve, if I see you again I'll kill you, I will not let a tempestuous necromancer with a god complex stop my order from our divine mission." He then left threat delivered my eyes watering and my need to take another piss already singing in my bowels. I have mentioned before my hatred of Zealots (except of course when their zealotry involves me naturally) so I knew right then and there I had to stop whatever the Followers of Fire were planning, and not just because Andre and Nidget were my friends and possibly in danger. No this was entirely about Zealotry and not a desire to save two of the only people who put up with me on a consistent basis. Yep!
Wednesday, July 10, 2013
And Now For Something Completely Different
Hello I don't make many posts here that are not in the considerable Trezlan Cannon (I believe at one point I posted that I was undergoing gall bladder surgery while I was high on pain medication from surviving that surgery? look I can't read the archives that takes time!) But I wanted to advertise to you my loyal fan base... That I'm starting another blog! Yes you can get double the awful writing and love of run on sentences and even worse spelling!
Don't worry this will not effect the Trezlan story, nor will it take away any time from my current blog as this one will only be posted on Wednesdays. And its a return to my fan fiction roots (as the Trezlblog started as a LOTRO blog back in the day) this one will be a Defiance blog, (http://www.defiance.com for those not in the know on what Defiance is) They just finished their first season and I'm enjoying the game very much, so much that I decided to try my hand at writing some fan fiction starring a brand new character Xanthiana Roeyka. An irathient (http://www.defiance.com/en/series/world-of-2046/aliens/irathients for those who don't watch the show but want to know what that is) soldier who fought during the pale wars. So not only not a necromancer, but not even human and a woman I'm really stretching my abilities let me tell you.
So if you are willing to take a new journey with me and help yourself to some entertainment on humpday jump on over to my In Search of Defiance blog, and start the journey, don't worry I'll keep the bare min blogger overlay, I'd hate to break what works!
http://insearchofdefiance.blogspot.com/
Don't worry this will not effect the Trezlan story, nor will it take away any time from my current blog as this one will only be posted on Wednesdays. And its a return to my fan fiction roots (as the Trezlblog started as a LOTRO blog back in the day) this one will be a Defiance blog, (http://www.defiance.com for those not in the know on what Defiance is) They just finished their first season and I'm enjoying the game very much, so much that I decided to try my hand at writing some fan fiction starring a brand new character Xanthiana Roeyka. An irathient (http://www.defiance.com/en/series/world-of-2046/aliens/irathients for those who don't watch the show but want to know what that is) soldier who fought during the pale wars. So not only not a necromancer, but not even human and a woman I'm really stretching my abilities let me tell you.
So if you are willing to take a new journey with me and help yourself to some entertainment on humpday jump on over to my In Search of Defiance blog, and start the journey, don't worry I'll keep the bare min blogger overlay, I'd hate to break what works!
http://insearchofdefiance.blogspot.com/
Followers of Complete Assholes
"So Lorentino stopped by." The priest was talking to his companion a rather well armed thug like looking guy (which isn't surprising I mean again the followers worship conflict the same way I worship well staying alive so of course most of their not priests look like bandits or soldiers, or some kind of bandit soldier hybrid sub sub note I call those Bandoliers, catchy no?).
"What did he want this time?" I was insulted at the tone, I hardly ever ask the Followers for anything and they have taken up more of my time in their short existence than I want to fully admit to, even though I pretty much have with this entire journal!
"A cure for his bladder infection, I told him no such thing existed, then he bothered me about that lesser priest you were talking about the other day Andy Andre something like that."
"Why didn't you give him the cure? He's done a lot for the order." I tell you if I wasn't trying to be silent to learn everything I could about what was going on I would have been very angry there was a damn cure for my bladder issues and these assholes were holding it for me. Hell I'm still angry and this was years ago!
"Because he is not a believer, also he's an asshole suffering is something he deserves." Yes he said that, no my feelings still have not recovered.
"He also asked of Maristus?" The larger man despite seeming thuggish apparently was the more senior amongst them proving again you can never tell with the followers.
"Who?"
"The priest I was talking about the other day."
"Ahh yes Brother Maristus, yeah he said he owes him money and he's looking for him."
"And you told him nothing of what's going on correct?"
"I know nothing of what's going on thats why I'm out hruck" The larger man had arranged himself behind the smaller priest and garroted him (line across the neck pull up). I can't say I felt sorry for the asshole who denied me a cure, but it was not exactly a polite way of going (strangulation never is, not that there is a really great way to die). I was very glad I was hiding behind my tree until the larger man called out to me.
"You get all that Lorentino?" And thats when I knew I was entering a world of hurt, well a worlder of more hurt, the bladder infection was a bitch.
"What did he want this time?" I was insulted at the tone, I hardly ever ask the Followers for anything and they have taken up more of my time in their short existence than I want to fully admit to, even though I pretty much have with this entire journal!
"A cure for his bladder infection, I told him no such thing existed, then he bothered me about that lesser priest you were talking about the other day Andy Andre something like that."
"Why didn't you give him the cure? He's done a lot for the order." I tell you if I wasn't trying to be silent to learn everything I could about what was going on I would have been very angry there was a damn cure for my bladder issues and these assholes were holding it for me. Hell I'm still angry and this was years ago!
"Because he is not a believer, also he's an asshole suffering is something he deserves." Yes he said that, no my feelings still have not recovered.
"He also asked of Maristus?" The larger man despite seeming thuggish apparently was the more senior amongst them proving again you can never tell with the followers.
"Who?"
"The priest I was talking about the other day."
"Ahh yes Brother Maristus, yeah he said he owes him money and he's looking for him."
"And you told him nothing of what's going on correct?"
"I know nothing of what's going on thats why I'm out hruck" The larger man had arranged himself behind the smaller priest and garroted him (line across the neck pull up). I can't say I felt sorry for the asshole who denied me a cure, but it was not exactly a polite way of going (strangulation never is, not that there is a really great way to die). I was very glad I was hiding behind my tree until the larger man called out to me.
"You get all that Lorentino?" And thats when I knew I was entering a world of hurt, well a worlder of more hurt, the bladder infection was a bitch.
Tuesday, July 9, 2013
Don't Mind Me I'll Just Listen to Everything
There are very many downsides to having to take a piss every five minutes. It makes riding a horse for very long distances an absolute pain in the ass. It makes you feel like you never get fully drained as it were, and you are constantly looking for shrubs or out of the way places you can urinate that won't cause people to freak out and scream you are some kind of pervert (I never get this one, I mean its clear what you are doing, why is it my fault you're all scared of seeing a mans penis, there is nothing perverted about peeing! If anything they are the perverts for staring!)
Occaisionally though taking frequent pisses can be beneficial. As in people don't see you there by a tree taking a leak and trying not to scream in pain (thankfully the most painful parts of the infection were over, I was down to just the frequent urination parts). And that's how I came to be behind a tree when the priest of the followers of fire stumbled by and started to pee on the very same tree (different sides and shrubbery divided us, how they missed my horse will be a question for the ages). And then as luck would have it I got to overhear all about the evil plan that had locked up Nidget and Andre.
I'll go into it more in tomorrows entry, sadly today I'm very busy with the shop and someone just came in claiming I killed his family, its going to be a long long day.
Occaisionally though taking frequent pisses can be beneficial. As in people don't see you there by a tree taking a leak and trying not to scream in pain (thankfully the most painful parts of the infection were over, I was down to just the frequent urination parts). And that's how I came to be behind a tree when the priest of the followers of fire stumbled by and started to pee on the very same tree (different sides and shrubbery divided us, how they missed my horse will be a question for the ages). And then as luck would have it I got to overhear all about the evil plan that had locked up Nidget and Andre.
I'll go into it more in tomorrows entry, sadly today I'm very busy with the shop and someone just came in claiming I killed his family, its going to be a long long day.
Monday, July 8, 2013
Its Just Putting a lot of Pressure On Me
"So I still have the bladder infection, its beginning to look like Nidget is really missing and not just like fake missing, Andre is also missing and his church is brushing me off so its more likely that they are involved, which would mark one of the first times it was Andre's fault Nidget was missing instead of Nidget's fault, and I'm really trying to figure out if I care enough about either of them to try hard to save them or if I should just stay at the store and actually do my business instead of running off to get involved in something that will most likely get resolved without me. Wow you're a really good listener."
"Can I buy that gun now?" I'd been talking to someone I assumed had been listening, but it was clear he wasn't by his insistance on simply just purchasing a weapon instead of offering a solution to my problems!
"Yeah sure whatever give me my money and get out."
"I'm going to kill my neighbor with it, is that a problem?"
"Am I your neighbor?"
"No."
"Then no." I've admitted before I'm an asshole right? Because I am (he did kill his neighbor and then he got hung and I got my pistol back at an auction for less than half of what he paid for it, got to love this government!). It was this callous disregard for human life that told me I should go find Nidget. Yep that was it, not that a guy just killed someone in town after I sold him a pistol he specifically told me he'd use on someone else.
Yep.
"Can I buy that gun now?" I'd been talking to someone I assumed had been listening, but it was clear he wasn't by his insistance on simply just purchasing a weapon instead of offering a solution to my problems!
"Yeah sure whatever give me my money and get out."
"I'm going to kill my neighbor with it, is that a problem?"
"Am I your neighbor?"
"No."
"Then no." I've admitted before I'm an asshole right? Because I am (he did kill his neighbor and then he got hung and I got my pistol back at an auction for less than half of what he paid for it, got to love this government!). It was this callous disregard for human life that told me I should go find Nidget. Yep that was it, not that a guy just killed someone in town after I sold him a pistol he specifically told me he'd use on someone else.
Yep.
Friday, July 5, 2013
Followers of Unhelpful Dicks
"You sure you guys don't some kind of bladder remedy?" The followers of fire shouldn't have been so offended by the question, I mean I was literally asking everyone in town, even the transients who drink their own urine (I think they do, I don't know what transients do!)
"Mr. Lorentino the followers thank you for all you have done for us, but no we are not some apothecary with a bladder remedy, I've heard you drink lots of water and just deal with it."
"THAT JUST MAKES IT WORSE!" I tell you everyone's advice for that infection was the worst advice ever. Like at that point I would have taken "You have to sever your penis and reattach it" as real advice, it was that bad.
"Perhaps this should teach you something about your life choices Mr. Lorentino, now if you have no further inquiries I have business I have to get to." He went to go back into the church and I grabbed his arm which ordinarily would be a bad move for a religion that believes in combat, but he looked about ninety pounds soaking wet and I could probably knock him out with a strong breeze.
"I'm looking for a friend of mine Adreyev Maristus." Sure I lead off with my bladder infection, but that was to throw them off about my true goal! See you just can't ask someone about what you are there for, you have to lunge and feint a little bit, give and take, bullshit and mislead!
"I've never heard of that man before, release my arm Lorentino." You can't lie to a liar (well you can but its a bad idea) also its really stupid to lie about someone who is very devoutly a member of your religion even if you think that I personally am an idiot (which he totally did the dick).
"Seriously thats what you are going to say? Come on he owes me some money I know you guys are hiding him, but I'll promise I'll just have him do some heavy lifting and that would be the end of it." He went inside and two large men convinced me it was not worth my time to continue to ask questions. So what I thought was just some simple Nidget got lost in the woods crap, was now turning into another stupid conspiracy with the followers of fire, because of course it was. I've commented on my poor luck before, but it just never ends. And this is why I only believe in the church of Lorentino!
"Mr. Lorentino the followers thank you for all you have done for us, but no we are not some apothecary with a bladder remedy, I've heard you drink lots of water and just deal with it."
"THAT JUST MAKES IT WORSE!" I tell you everyone's advice for that infection was the worst advice ever. Like at that point I would have taken "You have to sever your penis and reattach it" as real advice, it was that bad.
"Perhaps this should teach you something about your life choices Mr. Lorentino, now if you have no further inquiries I have business I have to get to." He went to go back into the church and I grabbed his arm which ordinarily would be a bad move for a religion that believes in combat, but he looked about ninety pounds soaking wet and I could probably knock him out with a strong breeze.
"I'm looking for a friend of mine Adreyev Maristus." Sure I lead off with my bladder infection, but that was to throw them off about my true goal! See you just can't ask someone about what you are there for, you have to lunge and feint a little bit, give and take, bullshit and mislead!
"I've never heard of that man before, release my arm Lorentino." You can't lie to a liar (well you can but its a bad idea) also its really stupid to lie about someone who is very devoutly a member of your religion even if you think that I personally am an idiot (which he totally did the dick).
"Seriously thats what you are going to say? Come on he owes me some money I know you guys are hiding him, but I'll promise I'll just have him do some heavy lifting and that would be the end of it." He went inside and two large men convinced me it was not worth my time to continue to ask questions. So what I thought was just some simple Nidget got lost in the woods crap, was now turning into another stupid conspiracy with the followers of fire, because of course it was. I've commented on my poor luck before, but it just never ends. And this is why I only believe in the church of Lorentino!
Thursday, July 4, 2013
You Say Missing Like Its a Bad Thing
"And that's when I knew something was up." Two urinations later the land lady had finished her story (I measured time in peeing, it seemed appropriate).
"So Nidget has been gone for a week and you think something bad happened to him?" Honestly I'm surprised she even noticed he was gone for a week, I certainly don't.
"Mr. Lorentino I know you and Nidget have a strained relationship, but I know he's a good shorty, he pays his rent on time and helps me with my garbage, I know when he's on vacation or helping you out, this is neither of those things. His roommate is also missing and the Followers of Fire are suspiciously quiet about that as well." Strained was putting it mildly, still I do owe the stupid Pavorossi family somewhat (and they owe me!) and if someone was going to torture or abuse Nidget that should again be me! Still the church not pitching in and looking for one of their disciples also made the situation odd to say the least.
So against my better interest I decided to look into Nidget and Andre's disappearence. Because I'm an idiot, this has been proven so many times I forget that I proved it before and seek about proving it again. On the plus side I did get to pee on new and interesting things, yes this is one of the very few plus sides that came about because of this.
"So Nidget has been gone for a week and you think something bad happened to him?" Honestly I'm surprised she even noticed he was gone for a week, I certainly don't.
"Mr. Lorentino I know you and Nidget have a strained relationship, but I know he's a good shorty, he pays his rent on time and helps me with my garbage, I know when he's on vacation or helping you out, this is neither of those things. His roommate is also missing and the Followers of Fire are suspiciously quiet about that as well." Strained was putting it mildly, still I do owe the stupid Pavorossi family somewhat (and they owe me!) and if someone was going to torture or abuse Nidget that should again be me! Still the church not pitching in and looking for one of their disciples also made the situation odd to say the least.
So against my better interest I decided to look into Nidget and Andre's disappearence. Because I'm an idiot, this has been proven so many times I forget that I proved it before and seek about proving it again. On the plus side I did get to pee on new and interesting things, yes this is one of the very few plus sides that came about because of this.
Wednesday, July 3, 2013
Unhelpful Commentary
"Where's your apprentice?" Therod opened with the best way to get me admit to a potential murder (two men go off into the wilderness one returns, you do the math!).
"If you are implying I killed him then I'd have to be really stupid to admit to it to you."
"So you killed him?" The cutting nature of her insult burned me!
"Can you go away? Everytime I pee its like agony and as hilarious to me as it would be to have you standing there while I urinate even I believe in decency." I was standing behind the counter, but again, deceny taking a piss while talking to people is rude. I HAVE MY LIMITS!
"What did you drink the beer at Bandit town or something?" She meant it as a joke but seeing my look she realized that I had in fact drank the beer there (and why did a law enforcement person know of a town of bandits but not go there and break it up? I am beginning to wonder about Therod's committment to enforcing laws!) "Wow that's stupid even for you Lorentino."
"I'm glad that my misery is something you can laugh at, I'll recall this the next time you are in dire need of my help."
"Ok so you'll recall this never?"
"Valrym told me the same thing, your jokes are all used!"
"I'll try and be more funny the next time you self injure, also make sure to drink plenty of fluid I hear that clears up infections." This is a damned lie it just means you pee more often and in more pain, people who tell you it clears things up are assholes! Therod left without even really admitting what she was there for (supposedly it was looking for Aelanes, but I think she just heard I was in pain and wanted to add to it!) The door bell rang again (I have a bell right over my door, did I ever say I did that? Because I totally did). I figured it would be Nidget coming in to bother me (because misery comes in threes, well fours in this case if the bladder infection was the first number, you know what nevermind!) But instead it was Nidget's land lady (yeah he rents shocking I know, in your face people who don't own property!).
"Have you seen Nidget?" And that is when I knew things had taken a turn for the worst, well worster I did have that damned bladder infection. On the plus I did learn how to pee while riding a horse, this comes into play later in this story, no I'm not joking!
"If you are implying I killed him then I'd have to be really stupid to admit to it to you."
"So you killed him?" The cutting nature of her insult burned me!
"Can you go away? Everytime I pee its like agony and as hilarious to me as it would be to have you standing there while I urinate even I believe in decency." I was standing behind the counter, but again, deceny taking a piss while talking to people is rude. I HAVE MY LIMITS!
"What did you drink the beer at Bandit town or something?" She meant it as a joke but seeing my look she realized that I had in fact drank the beer there (and why did a law enforcement person know of a town of bandits but not go there and break it up? I am beginning to wonder about Therod's committment to enforcing laws!) "Wow that's stupid even for you Lorentino."
"I'm glad that my misery is something you can laugh at, I'll recall this the next time you are in dire need of my help."
"Ok so you'll recall this never?"
"Valrym told me the same thing, your jokes are all used!"
"I'll try and be more funny the next time you self injure, also make sure to drink plenty of fluid I hear that clears up infections." This is a damned lie it just means you pee more often and in more pain, people who tell you it clears things up are assholes! Therod left without even really admitting what she was there for (supposedly it was looking for Aelanes, but I think she just heard I was in pain and wanted to add to it!) The door bell rang again (I have a bell right over my door, did I ever say I did that? Because I totally did). I figured it would be Nidget coming in to bother me (because misery comes in threes, well fours in this case if the bladder infection was the first number, you know what nevermind!) But instead it was Nidget's land lady (yeah he rents shocking I know, in your face people who don't own property!).
"Have you seen Nidget?" And that is when I knew things had taken a turn for the worst, well worster I did have that damned bladder infection. On the plus I did learn how to pee while riding a horse, this comes into play later in this story, no I'm not joking!
Tuesday, July 2, 2013
Urination Of The Damned
"You have to know something that deals with this!" This was week two of my bladder infection, I'd resorted to begging Valrym for help, as you could assume from my statement he was less than forthcoming.
"Even if I did, which I don't, why would I help you? You obviously did this to yourself." Valrym can be such a dick when you ask for his help, such a dick.
"I'm in pain Val, I have to pee so often, and everytime I do its like peeing heated spikes." Honestly I just started using an old vase to pee into when I was at my shop. I'm sure the vase was really expensive to use as a pee holder, but I'll be damned if it didn't do the job really well (don't worry when I sold it I totally didn't clean it out and told them it was some ancient blah blah's ritual magic container).
"Good, I hope it lasts a while, its nice that your stupidity is coming back to harm you for once."
"You're a real peach Val, I'll remember this next time you're in trouble and need my help."
"I'm sure I'll be all broken up when that never happens." I left in a huff and sought out a healer (none would treat me, something about being a dick or something I dunno I wasn't paying too much attention between having to pee right away again). Several people say this is what I have coming to me, but you know what those people are asses. If anything this is just setting up that I'll do nothing to help them the next time the town is under attack from something I brought to it! HA! IN YOUR FACE PEOPLE WHO WON'T HELP ME!
The only way it could get worse was if Therod swung by, and wouldn't you know it... SHE DID I SHOULD NEVER SAY THIS CAN NEVER GET WORSE!
"Even if I did, which I don't, why would I help you? You obviously did this to yourself." Valrym can be such a dick when you ask for his help, such a dick.
"I'm in pain Val, I have to pee so often, and everytime I do its like peeing heated spikes." Honestly I just started using an old vase to pee into when I was at my shop. I'm sure the vase was really expensive to use as a pee holder, but I'll be damned if it didn't do the job really well (don't worry when I sold it I totally didn't clean it out and told them it was some ancient blah blah's ritual magic container).
"Good, I hope it lasts a while, its nice that your stupidity is coming back to harm you for once."
"You're a real peach Val, I'll remember this next time you're in trouble and need my help."
"I'm sure I'll be all broken up when that never happens." I left in a huff and sought out a healer (none would treat me, something about being a dick or something I dunno I wasn't paying too much attention between having to pee right away again). Several people say this is what I have coming to me, but you know what those people are asses. If anything this is just setting up that I'll do nothing to help them the next time the town is under attack from something I brought to it! HA! IN YOUR FACE PEOPLE WHO WON'T HELP ME!
The only way it could get worse was if Therod swung by, and wouldn't you know it... SHE DID I SHOULD NEVER SAY THIS CAN NEVER GET WORSE!
Monday, July 1, 2013
Disciples of Morley
"... And so I became his disciple first." I think this is where I left off (yes I'm aware it is not, yes I can read previous entries even if it appears at times I can not from how often I spell places and people differently you try reading my handwriting, wait shit you are, nevermind).
"So this was all a scam to kill me? Damn that Morley." To be honest I was more upset that he seemingly came up with this plan first thus negating my ability to use it against him.
"And this is why I left you chained up." Again not building my confidence with a statement like that, "I have no intention of killing you Trezlan, I do want to learn from you, I just learned from Morley first, figured out unlike what he was saying he was not your associate and instead wanted me to kill you and so I learned of necromancy, learned of your rituals and was able to destroy Sidir and his men, but again have no intention of killing you." With that he sliced my chains off the wall and then handed me the key to free myself. Now I had to suppress the urge to to kill him on prinicipal (despite him freeing me and telling me he was associated with Morley, he had still worked for Morley at one point and therefore was not trustworthy, note I have also worked with Morley and yes this also makes me untrustworthy, but since I'm the one making that statement I just admitted I don't even trust myself, boom take that mental health).
"So where do we go from here?" I knew where I wanted to go, anywhere but where we were, but I had to make certain what Aelanes wanted before I had to judge if I had to kill him or not.
"Our seperate ways I figure, I have learned enough from you to continue on with my own life, and I figure since you will not trust me because of my association with Morley its best that I leave now before your insecurity causes you to come after me and ultimately cost you your life." I like the confidence this kid has in the belief he could kill me before I killed him. He was probably not wrong, probably. And so I lost my disciple (sort of, I have since found out my "son" has gone around righting wrongs, helping people etc etc, I say son because he has taken on my entirely made up last name, gods bless children you didn't actually have). It was probably for the best, outside of the Morley connection I'm sure I would have screwed up and killed Aelanes somehow anyway. Also I was a couple days short of a painful bladder infection and really having someone else around for that (especially someone who had warned you about the dangers of what you drank that gave it to you) would have just been annoying.
So yeah I now knew another person who could potentially live forever along with me, I'm telling you I keep accumulating these people like some kind of perpetual life disease. At least Aelanes didn't want to kill me, yet. I mean I am an asshole, and eventually everyone wants to kill their god, everyone. Which is why I don't worship one! Other than me, which kind of explains my suicidal behavior. Whoa I'm going to have to stop before I start having that conversation again. Till the next entry.
"So this was all a scam to kill me? Damn that Morley." To be honest I was more upset that he seemingly came up with this plan first thus negating my ability to use it against him.
"And this is why I left you chained up." Again not building my confidence with a statement like that, "I have no intention of killing you Trezlan, I do want to learn from you, I just learned from Morley first, figured out unlike what he was saying he was not your associate and instead wanted me to kill you and so I learned of necromancy, learned of your rituals and was able to destroy Sidir and his men, but again have no intention of killing you." With that he sliced my chains off the wall and then handed me the key to free myself. Now I had to suppress the urge to to kill him on prinicipal (despite him freeing me and telling me he was associated with Morley, he had still worked for Morley at one point and therefore was not trustworthy, note I have also worked with Morley and yes this also makes me untrustworthy, but since I'm the one making that statement I just admitted I don't even trust myself, boom take that mental health).
"So where do we go from here?" I knew where I wanted to go, anywhere but where we were, but I had to make certain what Aelanes wanted before I had to judge if I had to kill him or not.
"Our seperate ways I figure, I have learned enough from you to continue on with my own life, and I figure since you will not trust me because of my association with Morley its best that I leave now before your insecurity causes you to come after me and ultimately cost you your life." I like the confidence this kid has in the belief he could kill me before I killed him. He was probably not wrong, probably. And so I lost my disciple (sort of, I have since found out my "son" has gone around righting wrongs, helping people etc etc, I say son because he has taken on my entirely made up last name, gods bless children you didn't actually have). It was probably for the best, outside of the Morley connection I'm sure I would have screwed up and killed Aelanes somehow anyway. Also I was a couple days short of a painful bladder infection and really having someone else around for that (especially someone who had warned you about the dangers of what you drank that gave it to you) would have just been annoying.
So yeah I now knew another person who could potentially live forever along with me, I'm telling you I keep accumulating these people like some kind of perpetual life disease. At least Aelanes didn't want to kill me, yet. I mean I am an asshole, and eventually everyone wants to kill their god, everyone. Which is why I don't worship one! Other than me, which kind of explains my suicidal behavior. Whoa I'm going to have to stop before I start having that conversation again. Till the next entry.
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