The Winds of Annoyance

"So then I killed the flesh god." I was on my fourth Ale and Valrym was on his fourth role of his eyes, it was a very fourthy kind of day. Snow had come to Rosetia and with it less travelers and more cold and time on our hands. I'd spent most of my time at Valrym's tavern killing flagons and telling stories.  He spent the majority of the time just humoring me, because my coin was good.

"Right of course you did Trezlan, another ale?"

I looked at my current empty beer for a moment and decided one more wouldn't kill me probably, "Sure I don't have anything else to do."

"So it would seem, don't you have to run that store of yours at some point?"

"Nah Nidget's doing that mostly, he's good at selling things, or reverse stealing, either way I get money and have little to do, frees up my time to spend it with friends."

"You have some of those?"

"I'm so hurt Valrym you wound me." I was ready to wallow my sorrows in more ale when the door blew open and a tall thin young man in a crisp suit and flamboyant hat stepped in.  And the door did really blow open, like the wind decided all at once no door should be closed ever.

"So a disciple of death and the avatar of earth walk into a bar." The young man had the confidence of someone who knew life was his for the taking, of course he was also a god and "young" was just an illusion.

"Devuin whatever did I do to be inflicted with your company?"

"I'm not a disciple of," I paused the words were harder to come by the four previous ales having done damage to my vocabulary, "Death." My word finished I had a satified look on my face, well I assumed I did, I tried to be all satisfied.

"Right my good man you are not a disciple more just a sampler of his numerous platters!" With that he slapped me on the back and turned his attention to Valrym. "And what I'm doing here is seeing one of my distant sort of cousins right? I can't swing in and see you during my favorite time of the year."

"No no you can not we had this conversation the last time you blew in here."

"Oh don't be like that, besides you'll want to hear what I have to say! Things are changing Val you might be able to come back on the upswing if you'll just listen and let me talk."

And with that I came to learn that gods, just like regular people, hate seeing relatives as well for the exact same reason.  They always want something that you don't want to give them.

Family Like Enemies Only Closer

It's always facinating to me as a person who has outlived all of his friends/family/eventually everyone ever who has ever lived (well past a certain point I mean if there is no one left to steal the life from I'll be boned, but I doubt that will happen anytime soon) to see other people have to deal with their families.  Ultimately its always some celebration or other annoying time of the year that families think its a great time to swing in and bother you.  Well other people, as I've said I've outlived all of my immediate family and I'm completely unaware if I have any surviving distant relatives.  On top of that having an entirely made up lineage makes it difficult to go off someone's last name for relation, though amazingly I have run across other Lorentinos! I believe having living as long as I have someone must have heard one of my tales of heroism and took the name as a way of honoring me.  Well I certainly hope thats what it is and not just some grave robbing jerks who figure I'm dead and they can steal my legacy.

Anyway back to family! I figured the only other person in Rosetia that would have a similar fascination with other peoples annoying relatives would be Valrym. Hilariously I was completely wrong with that and thats where my story will take place tomorrow. I'd write more today but the closest thing I have to family is being obnoxious (yes Nidget, yes I understand that that basically disqualifies my whole fascination in other peoples relatives when I have a small dumb child of my own who bothers me all the time SHUT UP!)

Telrrax and the Great Conclusion

"GO GO GO GO GO!!!" I had rowed back to the boat as fast as I could (so pretty slow, I'm in terrible shape), Telrrax was still out cold but I got back to the ship and started screaming and flailing.

"Is she dead?"

"Possibly WE ALL WILL BE IF YOU DON'T MOVE THE SHIP!" I was shouting and trying to get people moving but people weren't really moving or listening or doing anything.

"IS THAT VOLCANO EXPLODING?" I sighed because WHY DID THEY THINK I WAS SHOUTING!!! Thankfully they caught on that yes the Volcano was about to explode and yes we were all going to freaking die if they didn't move their dumby dumb asses so surpingly they got moving.  The volcano wasn't apparently just exploding it was destorying the island, I could feel the shockwaves of power pulsing (who knew killing a god can destroy the island that was his place of power? Oh everyone knew that? Everyone knew that).

Some after this adventure research ( yes I do that, look I like to know what I killed and how screwed up I made the world, yes its after I screwed things up, but come on!) showed that the god that the councilman had become was some island god of harvest that had been worshipped by an island people who got wiped out by another group of no one cares.  Which left the god a little pissed, a little less "all life is sacred" and more "I will destory life with life" crazy.  I had thought without worshippers god's die, but apparently they can just slowly go insane, corrupt an idiot to allow them in, and then be wiped out by a necromancer (that last part is not a given!).  If we hadn't stopped councilman crazy the world would have become a very ugly place in a short order, it was actually amazing he hadn't actually been driven mad prior to us arriving (well madder, he wasn't exactly a rational dude to begin with).

The trip home was uneventful (aside from my vomitting). Telrrax recovered blamed/thanked me for what had happened and then went about returning to her job of tracking down the Red Hand traitors (I don't know why she considered them traitors I mean they were all still following their own government!) I returned to my shop which Nidget had managed actually well (he only stole 10% of my profit amazing restraint).  I never did find that cold collar that started this whole madness, but I'm sure that won't come up again or anything.

Yes I know by saying that it will, it always does.

Trezlan Lorentino Vs The Flesh Monster God

"What can I say other than you are one ugly ugly god." I'll admit in the annals of great comebacks to god creatures threatening to kill you this was well not the best, but most of those other much more witty people DID NOT LIVE THROUGH THEIR ENCOUNTER BOO YAH!  The god councilman held apart his meat maw of arms (which also had other arms sticking out of them) and I felt the magical ropes holding me start to pull in different directions, it felt like he was literally trying to rip me apart. I tried to fight back with magic, but it appeared whatever he wrapped me in blocked that entirely (stupid weird volcano god powers). I was preparing to embrace whatever horrible afterlife was planned for me when lightning danced all over the council god's body and I was roughly reintroduced to the ground.

"NOW YOU DANCE FOR ME YOU SON OF A BITCH!" Telrrax wasn't just using magic, she was over using it, like I know I don't mention corruption as often because for me its just another problem (oh the joys of life theft), but at the rate of power being displayed by Telrrax she was about to explode the bad way, and from the look on her face it wouldn't bother her a bit. The council god was distracted, but I didn't see any of the usual signs of magical infliction.  I tried to add to it with fire, but again I didn't see anything, like my gun shot earlier nothing got through. The creature laughed, a horrible belly full of misbegotten flesh laugh, and then with a whip of his arm both Telrrax and I were smashed with more of his magical cable, it felt like getting hit with a tree branch.

"Do you think that your petty magical ability can hurt A GOD?" When he said god, the volcano roared, "I am consumed with the life and souls of my crew, a hundred men gave their power to me and soon you will join me!" The creatures arm grew and snatched me up dragging me to his disgusting maw I smelled a scent I'd rather not put to words and the creature smiled.

"So you're some kind of god of life power?" I felt the blood again in my throat, but this time it felt like it was almost being drawn out of me.

"Yes my power is one from many, you can not kill me for I am life itself." I smiled, and spit some blood on my hand. The creature opened its maw to swallow me whole and I slid the blood along side the roof of his mouth saying dark words as I did so. Class what have I told you about necromancers and being touched? The reaction was immediate, the creature recoiled, he dropped me to the ground his large arm contracted and pulsed the flesh rotting like at the end of a large infection.

"What did you do to me?" His voice changed from the amplified shout to that of a scared old man.

"Blood magic, a necrotic curse, you see you are the GOD of life, well I know a thing or two about death, and you are right I could not overwhelm your life force, but I can release it." His face twisted, the volcano bellowed, I knew then it was a good time to leave.  I picked up Telrrax as the god creatures screams started up again, the power of the lives he had stolen was being turned inward exploding him from within (I could have also tried to drain the power out of him, but after the vengeance god I'm not that freaking crazy to mess with a god again). The lava below was no longer being kept in check, the heat and power of it was immense, if Telrrax and I hadn't gotten out of there when we did we would have been cooked in it (another reason to not simply steal the power).  The flesh creature of Telrrax's was still out cold and I felt a bit sorry for its unnatural death, but it didn't exactly have a natural life. I had to move fast the volcano was making noises that it was going to blow, and I wasn't exactly the strongest guy and despite Telrrax being fairly thin she wasn't an easy carry down a damn mountain side after I'd been batted around by a flesh god.

As you can assume gentle weird reader of a journal I'm not publishing in a way at all. I lived, as did Telrrax. The aftermath will be tommorrow's entry.  And no I won't teach you the power to unleash someone's own life force, I'm saving that one for when I run across Morley again (which as you can probably assume is what my mentor learned the blood magic for in the first place, to kill other necromancers in a horrible way).

Time To Change Your Profile

"Well I think you can uncheck the was not a cannibal thing from your profile." The councilman was eating his flesh stew, he'd also take on extra appendages that flopped out from underneath his robe (randomly like a foot or arm here or what looked like a useless torse there).  It was as if he had just absorbed his crew not just ate them.

"Gee you think?"

"I do."

"Shut up Trezlan."

"BOTH OF YOU BE SILENT IN THE FACE OF THE GREAT GOD KOMIRARAIRI." His voice boomed and when he spoke the lava below also swirled.

"Really thats your name? Man I can't even begin to hruk!" I didn't get to complete my petty comment because I was launched into a wall (Trezlan Lorentino wall inspector). The god of I am not writing that again and probably mispelled it anyway then snatched Telrrax up from her position at the mouth of the cave and held her in the air next to his cauldron (did I mention the cave lay out, basically we were at the mouth of a cave with a small walkway up to a jutting area where the god and his cauldron was, beneath us was the burning lava being held in check by magic, and above us was the exit). The flesh creature just collapsed to the ground, I figure whatever link it had with Telrrax was broken by the God's power.

"HELP ME LORENTINO!" My eyes were blurry, I could taste blood and I was against a god, but of course Telrrax wanted me to help, I mean its not like I had anything better to do or anything!

"LORENTINO!!!" The councilman god roared I felt the volcano shake under my feet and Telrrax dropped to the ground her body going limp when she hit (either from the magical power or a fake out, the flesh creature remained inanimate). I felt magical bindings wrap around me, like the tight ropes of cable they were constricting my body, I managed to free my revolver from its holster and fire a shot, it was dead on but did nothing, I could see a bit of the god's belly quiver from the impact but the god creature just laughed.  The binds tightened and my revolver hit the mouth of the caves floor. He lifted me to this putrid smelling body and I could see not only was he made up of most likely his former crew, they were still kind of alive, which was horrible even for a necromancer like myself.

"Do you have anything to say before you die?"

What did I say? What happened? Did I get to add another god to my list of things I killed! Well obviously, but tommorrow the answer to none of your questsions and more!

Flesh Roasting On an Open Fire

"Euggh what is that smell." The cave had gone of course underground, though the walls were at least carved and stylized with some language and glyph system I couldn't make out, so we weren't like in an uncivilized cave that was a bonus. The cave did reek of burning flesh, which as always was a minus.

"Burning flesh."

"You sure?" I gave her a look that told her yes I of all people knew exactly what burning flesh smelled like (I guess her experience at setting people on fire with Lightning wasn't as vast as mine with fire). "So do you believe its for a human sacrifice?"

"Either that or the worst BBQ ever, was the councilman a cannibal?"

"Not that I ever saw."

"Well sacrifice it is, burning them alive thats pretty evil." I still was alarmed I hadn't seen any kind of people, I mean I could smell them, but there was no discarded clothing, broken bodies pools of blood.  Somehow this guy got an entire ships worth of people from a ship into a cave and at no point no one left any reminder they were there.

"You burn people alive."

"And I'm pretty evil, I mean I've kept myself alive by stealing the life of others to unnaturally extend my own." I never lie about my motives, I fear death like Nidget fears responsibility. We left our cave and entered a larger room in it there was a cauldron of the roasted human flesh we'd smelled earlier stirring the cauldron was our councilman, completely insane looking and surrounded by a violet aura, we also appeared to be above the volcano proper though the heat that should have cooked us as well was kept in check by magic.  Which was not comforting considering the circumstances.

"WELCOME TO YOUR DOOM TELRRAX!"

"I would say I don't want to say I told you so, but I really do want to say it so, I TOLD YOU SO!" Petty always so petty, its the Lorentino way.

Hmm Smells like Trap

"How odd there doesn't appear to be anyone left on board." Telrrax and I had departed the ship, the rest of the crew was to remain on board (because Telrrax is not an idiot you don't crash your enemies ship and then give them another ship ready to go).

"Must have been a ghost ship, oh well time to go then?" Look I hate being on a ship as much as anyone, I hate getting stuck on an island with ghost pirates and a powerful magic user worse. I assumed ghost pirates, but you know with my history? Not exactly unheard of. Telrrax of course gave me a dirty look, so did the flesh creature.

"I wonder which way they went." I was about to laugh but Telrrax seemed genuinely curious and couldn't see the obvious trail from the ship into the jungle, I had to remind myself not everyone had the years of being lost in the woods experience that I had, she had probably never even left a city before.

"This way." I pointed in the direction of deeper in and off we went. I wanted to explore the ship more, try and figure out what the Councilman might have been doing in there, but alas like most of my good ideas it was ignored in favor of going off for the dumb idea (we'll ignore the fact my "good" ideas are ignored by me most of the time, ok moving on). What appeared at first to be a path just cut for the purpose quickly became apparent it was an actual path (trees and overgrowth were not anywhere along the path I could make out some stones that had been covered by sand). The path was also moving towards a cave that clearly went into some kind of volcano.  I also noticed that despite a recently wrecked ship and hastily running away from the wreckage, there was absolutely nothing along the path leading to the volcano cave, no blood, not strewn garbage, just foot prints.

"This could be a trap." I had stopped Telrrax and her flesh creature almost ran in to me.

"What makes you think that?"

"I dunno the fact that we found no one on the ship, this is clearly a path into a volcano, and it's been like a day since the last one so in my world that means I'm about to get into one."

"Trezlan you are such a cynical person, now get into that cave." I looked at Telrrax angrily but did as I was told and into the trap we went.  Ooops spoilers.

The Orchestra of Naval Combat

Boom! Duck! Clang Clang! Whiz! FIRE!!!! SWING US AROUND FOR ANOTHER BROADSIDE!  SHE'S HIT CAPTAIN! BANG BANG BANG! EXPLOSION! This goes on and on for twenty plus minutes as our heavy iron ship fought the wooden galleon, as one could expect they came out the loser in the altercation. It was a deafening symphony of explosions and screams (and more vomitting by me, my stomach does not respect battle at all). Honestly if I could write music I totally would have written some about the battle as it definately felt like a song should commerate the amount of noise.

It was of course for naught as long loud sea battle tend to be.  The galleon took a beating, but still had more than enough speed to get to the island and crash into it (how do you hit an island you say? Well be chased by a superior vessel and hitting land is better than hitting bottom). Telrrax was furious as you can expect, I was just happy to be getting to land, even if it meant chasing after a dangerous magic user, at least the island wasn't going to sway under my feet.  Well it was a modest hope it wouldn't alas... But you know the story next entry!

No No Lets not Go Hard to Anywhere

"HARD TO STARBORD" BLEEEEEEEEEECH! I could only barely hold on to the railing while I heard the captain barking orders up above. I was terrible on the sea anyway, but it was made worse by a storm that had set in while we were chasing our prey and every sway of the ship was amplified. We had been on the open sea for three days, I don't know how Telrrax figured we were going the right way, but I'll be damned if we didn't see the sails of the councilman's ship on the horizon (what little we could make out in the storm).  I again spent the time trying to keep fruit and small food down, while rushing to the rail to throw it back up.

Telrrax spent her time walking the ship and skulking at the horizon.  The crew seemingly used to the behavior from her just let her be. I could understand a personal motive to someone who kept you a slave, but hers was bordering on obsession (something I also understood). I don't pry, but I figured there was a tale there I never wanted to know.

"WE'RE GAINING HER SIR!" The captain called out over the loud thump of the storm and I looked up and saw that we were gaining on the galleon, we were also getting close to an island of sorts.

"We need to move faster Captain, I don't want that son of a bitch getting to an island, catch that ship and sink it."

"I'll try my best."

"You'll succeed captain, there is no point in trying." I wanted to tell her sinking the ship would make it difficult to know if the councilman was even aboard, but between puking, the storm, and well Telrrax's mood I thought it best to keep my mouth shut, well aside from the vomitting. The boat took another hard lurch to the right and then the banging started, they were trying to open fire on us, and we were responding in kind.

"This just got fun boys!" The captain called out and I had to beg to differ.

Agent Telrrax Magic Hunter

"I'm still confused." We were making our way on to the ship, the men saluted Telrrax as she came on board.

"Because you are easily confused and can't keep up with simple deception, it makes you incredibly useful as bait, but incredibly useless as anything else.

"That hurts."

"Buck up I could just leave you on the docks to your fate."

"I want to be left behind!"

"Really you want to be left in a country that you are revered as some kind of weird god of vengeance in which you were spotted by a coach driver leaving a mansion with two dead bodies inside?"

"Well when you put it like that." I followed her up to the bridge of the ship where a man in a fancy hat stood at controls.

"Captain we are leaving our quarry got ahead of us and we'll have to make up time, he's in a galleon so subject to winds and currents, but he does have a days jump on us."

"Yes sir we'll leave immeadiately." The man snapped a salute and called out to the crew who made preperations for leaving. Telrrax made her way to a cabin and I followed suit, her flesh creature remained on the bridge.

"I can tell you'll just continue to look stupid and ask questions so I'll just tell you, I'm a magic hunter the guard hired me to kill or capture all of the remaining red hand leadership we can, before you ask no we have not found nor do we expect to find Morley, and yes we know you two have history and yes we know he too is a necromancer much like yourself."

"And the gold collar?"

"Was mine to wear as this particular slimes pet, its one of the reasons I was chosen for this assignment, I have a specific history with this councilman and no love for the rest.  The guard realizes magic users are better to hunt magic users at least for now, any further questions."

"No I think that wraps it," The boat lurched and I felt my stomach do the same thing, "Excuse me." I heard Telrrax sigh from her cabin as I ran outside to throw up what little I'd gotten to eat since I'd been freed.  I tell you remembering this trip is making me feel sick to my stomach!

The Day I Catch Up I Fall Behind

There was a coach outside with a driver just waiting (I was surprised there was a driver, but I guess if you pay someone enough in this world they'll just ignore morality and do their job) and we were away from the not councilman's house as soon as the reins struck the horses.  I tried to keep up with where we were going in case I had to I dunno find my way back? But I'm terrible with directions at the best of times and Telrrax must have said to not mind the passengers because the coach was bouncing every which way as we careened along the road narrowly missing several people in the process. We found our way into town and then the docks, I wanted to take a moment to collect myself but Telrrax hopped out gave me a look that told me this would not be adviseable and made our way to the dockmaster.

"Where is this ship?" She handed the man the receipt I had found.  He looked up from some papers he was shuffling, the office was full of people but Telrrax was not one to wait.

"There is a line Madam." His voice was of the bored sort, the type of office beaurocrat who has dealt with a lot of impatient people and fails to see the importance of the matter in front of him.

"Do I look like I care about your line, you're going to tell me what I want to know little man or you're going to see your..." I grabbed Telrrax's shoulder, she gave me a look that could have killed the dead but she understood why I stopped her from threatening the clerk, I mean we weren't in the lands of the guard, but the lands of the east weren't really cool with you threatening to gut people either "Your time will be seriously wasted with me in here trashing everything until you help."

"What was the ship again?" She thrust the paper back in front of his face.

"Oh this ship left a day ago."

"It what?" I could feel the surge of power in the room and feared Telrrax would explode (I haven't seen it from a magical user but its in theory possible).

"It left port a day ago, please don't kill me." Telrrax didn't kill him, she left a crowd of stunned people in her wake but she didn't kill the messenger. She stomped out the docks and looked around for something, spotting it she ran towards it. It was a smaller vessel than the one we had arrived in, also it was a military vessel, iron plating large gun ports and staffed my guard personel.

"Come on Trezlan we are catching ourselves a councilman."

"I am not stealing a military ship I have no clue about running." Telrrax laughed.

"Steal? Its my ship Trezlan, now come along." And away we went me being more confused than I had been previously.  Because life just likes dragging me along.

The Legend of The Made Up Lorentino

"Were you aware they have statues of you in this country?" Telrrax and I had moved on from the smoking corpse of the former master of the house to ransacking his house to try and locate his master.

"I was unaware of that, I'm sure they don't even look like me." I was actually aware of it, but fake modesty demands I be aloof to it.

"I'm aware you are kind of a strange creature Trezlan, but may I ask why they have statues of you here?"

"I killed a god that was terrorizing the lands." Telrrax laughed.

"Ok don't tell me its better this way anyway." People don't understand the power of necromancy (I don't really either to be perfectly honest I'm like a child with a torch) when I tell them I've killed a god they just pat me on the head and say "sure you have." Its insulting! Sure I've inflated other stories but I did kill a god give me some credit!

"Ahh crap." I found a piece of paper that looked to be a note written on the back of a deed of sale, the note was uninteresting but the deed of sale was where the important part was.

"Whats the matter?"

"I don't think our fake councilman would have any need for a large galleon would he?"

"No I don't think he would, but our real councilman would quickly Trezlan he probably knows we're on to him!" Which meant we were going back to the water, I could feel my stomach revolting already. Or it could have been from hunger I hadn't eaten anything in a while!

The Futility of Torture

"I don't think he'll talk." Telrrax had been proving that point to the not council member (turned out he was a very flamboyant assistant to a councilman who had been basically a living target so as to keep the real councilman safe, it had worked poorly).

"Oh he'll talk." Telrrax had been using a low power of her lightning for two hours, which helped her avoid corruption and didn't kill the idiot we were torturing, but on the flip side it was failing to produce any results.

"Any information he'll give up will be useless anyway he'll just say whatever so you stop, believe me I know." So many useless facts I've given up in torture, I actually keep a list of useless facts in my head to give up specifically in torture.

"Well I'll admit some of this is more for fun than anything else." The not councilman was in his underwear tied to his bed (no need for shackles he lacked magical power at all), he was still gagged, which made confessing things difficult.  The flesh creature guarded the door from no one, but it was reassuring he was there in case we needed him.

"You have to know he doesn't actually know where his master is right? He's useless as a target if he knows where the real guy is." I could see the look on Telrrax's face, it was one of resignation.

"You're right." The bolt lept from her fingers and the mans body ignited in a horribly grotesque fashion.

"You know I could have made sure of that right? I mean he might have known."

"No no you're right no need to second guess this." Telrrax sighed.

"We can still find the councilman, someone has to know something somewhere right?"

"Of course of course, I just hoped it would be easy you know, get my vengeance be done with this whole thing, but no no it's got to be one more bother in my schedule I tell you Trezlan revenge is so much harder than just simple murder." I had to agree even if she said it in the worst way possible.  I mean as a person who has unrequited vengeance against Morley I'm the best example of no matter how many people you kill the real one you want to kill will continue to elude you.  It was also nice to know this wasn't about a collar at all, not that I didn't already figure that since she was more concerned with finding the councilman than the collar, but still it was more obvious now and thats easier for me.

Golden Collar Bait

"What are you doing here?" Telrrax's flesh creature had brought my clothes from whereever they had been cast out to, upon seeing me naked she immediately insisted I dress.

"Getting the collar I want of course."

"I thought that was my job?"

"And you did it so well." We were moving from the foyer of the house I had been brought to, to upstairs, I could see broken bodies of servants/guards smashed into the walls and furniture, some even looked electrocuted which spoke to what Telrrax commanded.

"Yeah getting kidnapped right off the boat definately plays into my strong suits."

"It does actually, see you were under the impression I wanted you to negotiate or something for the collar I wanted, alas poor Trezlan I planned on using you as bait the entire time, anyone from the Red Hand would jump at the chance of capturing the man who brought them down, now I didn't quite expect you to get picked up so early, but this worked out for the best anyway." We found our way to a bedroom and a man inside was clearly screaming against a mouth gag. The man was the councilman I'd see earlier.

"And now?"

"Now you are plan B in case our friend here doesn't feel like talking."

"What's plan A?" Telrrax's hand pulsed with lightning and I swear I saw a sparkle in her eyes.

"This is plan A." The lightning lept from her hand and the man screamed against his gag.  I couldn't say I felt bad for him, but torture is always hard to watch with my history (even when I'm the one doing it, see I admit being bad is harmful!).

The Most Amazing Dream

I've remarked on my amazing ability to fall asleep before, but I'm truely a master of falling asleep in bad situations.  Which always leads to awkward moments of being awakened still in a really bad situation, but having dreamed a lot nicer situation (how you may ask can you dream about being shackled and its nice? Well I'll tell you when your older). This time it lead me to a fantasy about the flesh slave of Telrrax unhooking me from my imprisonment while the not dock workers eyeless corpse lay at my fee (how did he lose his eyes? Fingers think nothing more on this). I was really involved in this dream, like to the point I worried when I really woke up I'd be immenseley dissapointed to find out I was still attached to a pole and about to have my genitals inserted into the mouth of a snake or something (hasn't happened yet, but thinking about it that would work really good as a torture device). I was so convinced I was dreaming I didn't even notice when the creature rather roughly dropped me to the ground at Telrrax's feet (nothing brings you back to reality more than an impact with a wooden floor, well there are several things actually but you know what for this entry it'll do).

"Morning sunshine." That acidic tongue told me that this was no dream, because in most of my dreams women have a nicer way of talking (note I said most not all).

Lesser Forms of Filth

The not dock worker came down shortly after his boss had left.  He too was dressed in red (the Red Hand were anything if not uniform, hilariously it also made finding former Red Hand people really easy, just check their closet!).  He had a bucket and the roughest rag that was ever constructed by man.  Agonizingly he scrubbed me up and down , it felt like this was supposed to be a part of the torture as opposed to just some cleaning before the torture (I guess his master didn't want to get his hands dirty).  I tried not to cry out in pain, but when he was scrubbing my genitals I couldn't keep my yelp in.  He smiled at my scream so I did what I had left and peed on him.

"That wasn't very nice."

"Neither was your cleaning job I figured I'd express my disproval." He hit me in the crotch and I cried out again in pain.

"And now you know my disproval."

"I just want you to know when I kill you, it won't be slow, but it'll really really suck."

"Right Lorentino I'm so scared." He should have been, he dies horribly oops spoilers!  I'm just saying when I tell someone that in the end they'll beg for their death, well they should listen! Now I was wrong, I personally did not kill him, but he did die horribly! So it was a mostly true statement, also known as most of what I say!  I always hate the lesser forms of filth that people in power employ, because they value themselves above where their station in life says they are.  They should be glad they aren't being scraped off a shoe and leave it at that. But no, they have to always try and reach above their place and in that they die terribly for the effort. Also known as the circle of schmuck, I just made that up, its mine you can't have that!

Fish Poison?

"Wake up Mr. Lorentino." A side effect of having been captured, poisoned and assaulted at all times is I have grown remarkably able at falling asleep in weird situations.

"No no I didn't request a wake up call how about you go away and come back with breakfast later." I had been strung up on a post and naked, because when you have someone powerless taking their clothes off gives you that extra special creepy factor. I was in a dirt dungeon area, stone walls, the post I was attached to extended to the ceiling and had my feet off the ground. I had to tip my hat to my own ability to sleep during this particular incarceration.

"Cute, did you enjoy the poison?"

"It was a bit tarter than my normal brew, I think I'd prefer it with sugar next time." No matter how bad a situation looks always always be an asshole.

"It comes from fish, specifically their liver, its a strange defensive measure in that something that eats the fish would then become paralyzed and most likely eaten by something else."

"I believe there's a parrallel to that and the very poor, but alas I can't make it." There was only one guy in front of me, his regal attire and preponderence of Red tells me he was a former member of their council (they were always so flamboyant) most likely the person Telrrax wanted me to get the collar from (I say most likely becuase she never did actually tell me who I was supposed to go after, I guess that was something I probably should have asked about, but two weeks of vommitting tends to drain a man).

"I expected more of you." He was sizing me up, white skinned no blemish's, looked like the only time he saw the sun was when he was verifying the world was still there, so once a year.

"I expected less of you, funny how that works." Again I didn't know who this was, but refer back to Lorentino's number one rule.

"The great Necromancer, the destroyer of governments! Trezlan Lorentino a petty man with petty little comebacks."

"The guy who is in front of me some kind of red fetishist! Wait damn it you said I had petty comebacks."

"I'll enjoy torturing you for what you've done."

"When its all done we'll settle up after, I just want you to know that." He left, I'd like to think I got the better of him but I was naked shackled to a post off the ground and I'd been drugged by fish liver poison. So it was probably more a draw? I mean thats being generous to him right?

The Poison Traveler

I've been poisoned by all sorts of things in this world (don't make me get into the poison vs. venom thing again I WILL HURT YOU!). Sometimes by eating them intentionally (hunger the ultimate poisoner), sometimes by accident (hmm this doesn't look that old) most times by some jerk with a weapon of some kind.  All kinds of poison has entered my system, I've heard tale some Sins actually innoculate themselves against poison by intentionally inflicting it on themselves, this is ridiculous in my experience since I've been unintentionally doing it for centuries and it hasn't improved dick (other than my reaction to being poisoned).

This poison was paralytic (duh I lost complete control of muscles) it also had a lasting effect to it, when I woke up in a box (yes you read that right a damn box) I could hardly move my eyes let alone anything else.  So there I was all alone in a box paralyzed, this was not one of my greatest moments.  But I'll admit the one thing I really wanted to know was, what exactly did they hit me with? I mean as a poison sampler its one of those things I had to know, but as I traveled down the worlds worst road (full of bumps thereby bringing my face to the top of the box I was in more than I'd prefer).  So my first day back in the lands of the east got worse as these things often do. I tell you its almost like people don't like me. Almost...

The Lands of The East Rewelcomes You

Two weeks of puking lead me to finally arrive at my destination. TWO WHOLE WEEKS OF VOMITING (also known as a vacation with Nidget ZING!) Needless to say when I stumbled off the ship and onto the pier of the lands of the east I wasn't in a great mood nor feeling all that well (two weeks of vomiting will do that to you). I saw Telrrax wave tata at me as I wobble walked on the pier trying deperately to avoid falling into the drink.

The lands of the east looked a lot different from my last trip there (You know not currently at war with a vengeance god will do that for you), the pier had several steam ships in its bays and workers going to and fro and not being walking corpses (well other than of course being low class workers who are basically doing the same thing everyday forever until they die). One of these helpful gruff customers stopped me as I almost took a dive in the water.

"Not feeling to good sir?" His voice was surpringly softer than his outward gruff appearence.

"Water travel does not agree with me."

"Nor I, funny that I work on the docks right?" I would have laughed if I didn't feel still violently ill. I also might have noticed that my gruff dock worker had a rather large looking pistol stuck in his waistband and his hands which he had retrained me from falling with did not have the same kind of hardening an actual dock workers hands would have had (its funny what you notice AFTER you should have noticed it the first time).

"I think I'll be ok now." I tried to break free from my "saviors" grip when I felt a strange tingle shoot up my back and then a feeling of paralysis.

"I'm sure you will be." I heard him say as I drifted into the ether of whatever he had injected me with was taking me.  Yes I arrived in a new land and was immediately kidnapped, honestly isn't that how my LAST TRIP STARTED? WHAT IS WITH YOU LANDS OF THE EAST?!

No Day Complete Without Throwing Up

I had been wretching for the majority of the day.  Throwing up food I didn't even remember eating. I hate sea travel, primarily because I get so violently ill (also because I hate travel in general, and Sea Travel is one of the worst types).  The boat we were on was at least a steam powered iron vessel and not some wooden sailing piece of crap that would break apart in a storm (unlike the last time I was sailing to the lands of the east!). Telrrax for her part and gotten me a fairly nice cabin that I saw briefly between running to the rail to throw up.  It was a lovely couple of days let me tell you.

"I've always enjoyed sea travel the feel of wind in your face the smell of the ocean, the sound of people who do not like it throwing it up over the rail, its exhilirating." Telrrax had a smile on her face I tried to look unamused, but I'm pretty sure I came off as violently ill.

"Why send me east if you were coming anyway?"

"Because the person who has my object would not give it to me Mr. Lorentino, though I'm not sure he'll give it to you either, it will be an experience either way." I noticed her servant was not with her she seemed to see where my eyes had gone.

"In the cabin resting, he does not like sea travel either though he doesn't get violently ill."

"What is he anyway?"

"A construct of flesh and magic nothing more nothing less."

"Lovely."

"Would it be better if he were a real servant instead of just one animated for my whims? The answer is no, I would think a noted necromancer would not judge others for their magical indulgences."

"Does everyone know I'm a..." At this point I threw up again, damned waves being all wavey.

"Everyone in our particular circles Mr. Lorentino, you don't exactly hide it very well, sure the norms don't clue in, but they never clue in to anything." Have I mentioned how much magical people disdain normal people? Because they really do, norm is one of the nicer terms I've heard.  Especially in the post Guard society where the magical fell out of sorts with the non magical, its easy to hate those who also hate you I guess.

"Cheer up Trezlan the voyage will only last a couple weeks." I threw up again and then said something under my breath towards Telrrax I'm sure she didn't catch but I felt better for saying it.  Like the majority of things in my life it was an exercise in just implying I hated the person rather than their acknowledgement of that hatred.

Nidgeverage

"I don't know how long it'll be, but you owe me so much for so much already Nidget, to be honest this is literally the least you could do." Of course I went to Nidget, its not like I could ask Valrym to run my store or something (well I did actually and his response was not dignified enough for my journal).

"So you're in a bind and you need my help, yet you imply that I owe you this for something you did for me?"

"Several things I've done for you, repeatedly, including fixing a couple mistakes for you!" It wasn't that much to ask of the little dick, but you know he's just got to be an ass about things, its in his nature.

"Sure sure, but you need this now right? So I want a raise!"

"A raise? For what? I don't pay you as it is!" I don't, he wasn't my employee at this time.

"Of course you don't, but you will so I want more than you were planning on offering."

"Well I guess something is better than the nothing I was planning you little disrespectful little git."

"Fantastic!" Nidget is a bit of an idiot, see I just admitted I planned on paying him nothing, so his raise would be getting paid, but I didn't even say how much.

"I'll need you having the shop open from..."

"I know I know, get moving you have a ship to catch I'll take care of everything worry not Trezlan!" Nidget shooed me out of his house and I felt I was going to get screwed over (and I was right) but I had more things to worry about than whatever Nidget was planning. I mean Telrrax was infinitely more scary and more immediate, plus I had to be on a ship for gods knew how long and I hate sea travel (I hate travel in general, sea travel especially).