There Done, Now Can you Help Me?

There are certain things with this world I'll never understand. Why shorties are allowed to live, how and why certain aspects of our life become gods while others become annoyances, and how in the living madness Valerind Mordere was able to call his pistol to his hand. The last one of course being the one that is most relevant to this entry (though the middle one can always become relevant). Allow me to paint the scene.

We were chained up, I was still sort of paralysed and thus leary of using my magic, the snot creature was still making its digusting noises, and Mordere had his eyes clothes and was chanting some weird prayer to the fire god. And then all of a sudden his pistol flew into his hand he shot the chain holding his foot, the snot creature turned to spit its venom on him again (venom not poison, because class it came from a creature), and he put three bullets into its face/mouth/facemouth? while he was standing up. It was quite amazing if only completely confusing. Mordere has no magic, I know this, he's kind of an anti magic kind of guy. And yet he called a pistol to his hand completely through the power of prayer? It was more than a little bit confusing.

"How did you, what did you? Are you?" Mordere undid the chain to my foot and I came colliding into the ground a lot less graceful than he was.

"The Fire God provides, now Mr. Lorentino we must be going." And away we went, I swear to whatever gods I believe in my life is just moments between dicks needing my help.

Everyone Asigns Fault Like It Matters

"This is all your fault you realize that right." We were hanging up side down by chains. Mordere had been stripped of his firearms, I still had my magic, but was dealing with paralysis in parts of my body which had me cautious to use it.

"I fail to see how this is my fault." We'd been dragged under my shop by the snot creature (seriously it looked like a lump of snot with teeth, where its eyes were, were beyond me). I could see from discarded corpses around it had been feeding on them, which made its request for pastries all the weirder.

"You couldn't see past an allusion to know this creature was nearby and attempting to get you to feed it, now we are about to be eaten by it."

"Well sure when you say it like that it seems I might possibly bear fault for this." There was a large bonfire in the middle which I assumed was to cook us. It did explain why my shop always smelled like smoke, I just assumed Nidget had taken up smoking a lot while I was gone. I make a lot of dumb assumptions.

"Well don't keep me waiting magic us out of this."

"I can't like wag a finger and solve our problems Mordere, magic doesn't work like that." Ordinarily, I mean magic has worked like that for some people, I am not one of those people.

"Trezlan I'm pretyt sure he intends on eating us."

"I'm pretty sure if you keep talking it has ears and can hear us." Mordere looked at me with scorn, such scorn! I tell you for someone who has one dead eye he can stare through you with the ferocity of two. After giving me a proper eyeball hating moment Mordere started to go into a trance. Which left me to just stare at the booger as it continued to work on something. I mean its back was to us, I have no idea what it was doing, but the sounds alone were giving me cause for alarm I don't mind telling you. Thankfully I was a few minutes away from Mordere saving us both, unthankfully I was a few minutes away from Mordere forcing me to do something I didn't want to do.

Can't Talk Right Now Pastries

"But why the damned pastries, it doesn't make sense, why would he need or want pastries but not actually get them? Perhaps a sign from the gods, my life is to make baked goods? I mean I can conjure fire, perhaps, perhaps I am the one true baker god." I was mumbling to myself, the man had come and gone several times, and each time I felt he was breaking my brain. The pastries question consumed me. I had no idea it was so easy to break my brain, but this man had accomplished it like a brain breaking master.

"Trezlan."

"I can barely create food thats edible, but I've never tried baking, maybe its a latent talent?"

"Trezlan." I could barely hear the voice of the person at the counter, I half expected it to be pastry man, but he never called me by name, just showed up and started demanding I serve pastries.

"Too busy, must solve this issue, go away someone else will help you." I hadn't looked up, if I had I might have been a bit more concerned with who I just told to go away.

"Trezlan Lorentino you did not just tell me you are too busy to help me." I lifted my head up and saw it was none other than the master of death himself Valerind Mordere. He looked a little worse for wear than he normally did, but still just as deadly as ever.

"I can't Mordere, I'm sorry, but the pastries!"

"You've been babbling about pastries since I arrived, what the madness is wrong with you?" He almost sounded concerned if there was such an emotion he could ever feel.

"There's a guy, he only visits me, he only ever comes here, and he wants pastries, HE WANTS PASTRIES MORDERE!" I'll admit saying it out loud and now writing it down this sounds pretty bat shit crazy. Even for me.

"Trezlan I swear to the fire god herself the one time I need your idiotic help and you are crazier than normal." It was more of a curse to himself than a statment toward me, but it was nice he admitted he needed me.

"THERE HE IS!" The pastry man arrived, though he looked different than before. Mordere turned around and then back to me.

"Trezlan there is no one there?"

"He's right behind you Mordere!" Mordere turned around again and saw nothing, he didn't register the pasty man at all. The pastry man also seemed to not regard Mordere at all.

"I still don't see anything."

"Curse your one eyed idiocy! He's right there!" Pastry man was surpingly quiet, like he normally would have started talking by this point. I was about to comment on that when a rumble emerged from behind me, suddenly a gigantic creature emerged, it sprayed me and Mordere with some kind of fluid that paralyzed us and then drug us back to its lair. He couldnt' talk, but I was just positive Mordere was saying he told me so. I CAN TELL BY THE STARE!

Stop Talking, Stop Talking Forever

"Pastries!"

"Pastries?'

"Pastries."

"No." The man in front of me was not a chef, nor was he a baker, nor was he someone who I often had spoken with, nor was he someone I cared to speak with ever again. He was an annoying customer, the kind that never buys anything yet takes up most of my time (so basically the customer version of myself). He was trying to tell me I needed to sell food, because firearms and sticky baked treats always works out fantastically. I was really at a loss as to why he thought I personally needed to sell pastries, especially since within sight range of my store was at least two seperate places to buy food.

"You're not even listening to what I'm saying."

"You're completely right, I am not listening at all." People always get this shocked look on their face when I'm honest with them, which is confusing to me, they want honesty, and yet are surprised to get it. Proving once and for all no one wants what they want. He got a nasty look on his face and left. I smiled, my smile would vanish when he returned three more freaking times! I swear to god this man and his stupid want of pastries in every place he shopped was going to drive me crazy.

I half expected him to be Therod or Valrym messing with me, but no neither one had ever heard of him, nor did they know why he wanted pastries! I checked with local bakers, who also claimed he had never visited them either. So this little jerk was just coming to me to get me to sell pastries and yet he never actively sought out the people who actually make the damn things! When this came to my attention I was so angry! So angry I wasn't at least clued in something was probably not right with pastry guy.

Look don't look at me like that, I just sank a pirate ship on my vacation, I WAS A BIT BEHIND!

Vacation's Over Time to Pretend to Work

"So I sunk a pirate ship, booked passage on that merchant vessel and I returned home."

"Trezlan do you ever, ever consider I don't want to hear what you claim you did when you aren't here?"

"No Val, because that would imply I care what you think."

"You're such a dick, I'd ban you for life, but you'd probably kill yourself, somehow get resurrected and then claim since you died I'd have to let you back in."

"Nonsense I'd just ignore you'd banned me and you'd forget after a hundred years or so."

"Hate you so much Lorentino." Valrym just loves me. I swear he claims to hate my stories yet he always asks me about them. I mean I don't include those parts because obviously I am a modest man, but know that every time I return he raptly sits at his end of the bar and demands I tell him about my travels. Swear to whatever gods you believe in that is absolutely true. I was happy I was away for all the rebuilding things going on in town, because I guess they had a real bad issue with vermin I missed out on. Therod also staged four separate public executions of traitors which was really depressing (I knew three of those people, they were kind of dicks).

My shop was in good order. Nidget had returned to working and gave me all the orders for stuff people wanted (seriously people asked me all the time to get new stuff in, I continued to tell them I sell what I sell stop acting like I care, the request kept coming). Upon my return he told me he was going on vacation and I waved him off, because to me that little bastard is always on vacation (ignore that he works more often than I do, ok done). So things were back to the way they should be and my vacations were all done for the time being.

And for the next two hundred years nothing ever changed... Just kidding, two freaking days later something stupid happened. Swear to gods.

Mission Successful, Can I Go Home?

Floating on a plank amidst the ruins of my victory I started to think if perhaps I did the right thing? Like instead of sinking the pirates I should have come up with a way to improve their lot in life so as to keep them away from piracy. I could have taught them all valuable skills and they could have ushered in a new era of specialty product production on their tiny crappy island Nah just kidding I was completely happy with myself and just wish I'd thought of a better way of getting away. I mean you've read the other entries right? At what point do I do anything that doesn't directly benefit myself? EXACTLY!

Still the floating was obnoxious, I mean looking back I got picked up in a couple days (merchant vessel, I did at least position myself in a ship lane, so in a way I did have an escape plan). I created entirely new games to play based on how particular bits of junk floating in the ocean. No I won't bore you with what they involved, just know yes you can lose in your own made up game and complain to yourself about the rules that you yourself created.

As far as young Rowan she actually became one of the most fearsome pirates the world has ever seen. Yes apparently the island really needed the pirates and not so much the fish. So Rowan like a true Lorentino (though not identifying herself as such) filled the vacancy in the market place. Of course because piracy is still a male dominated field she had to pretend to be a man (a tragedy for all equality in the world let me tell you), she actually took my name and went by Trezlan the Red. I'd like to think it was because of how I freed her from the shackles of being a fisherman, but I know it was probably more an insult directed at me that just stuck. It did cause me issues though, I was arrested four times accused of piracy! Never convicted, but still it was an inconvenience!

I did have to laugh that in the lore of Trezlan the Red, I am listed as the hired gun she brought in to sink her rival pirates (legends never get timelines right, so of course in the legend Rowan was a pirate long before she actually became one). So now you know the rest of the story, mostly, I'm skipping a lot of really awful things, kidding! Maybe.

Didn't Exactly Think That Far Ahead

I was on a boat loaded with explosives waiting for the pirates to pull up along side it. This was in my own opinion a brilliant plan. Where as trying to just burn their ship would probably be successful, it would not be anywhere near as fun. The ship itself was pretty garbage, I mean I wanted to blow up a pirate ship, but I didn't want to spend a lot of money (the black powder alone was quite the expense!) so the sails barely could carry the wind, the rudder couldn't keep the ship straight and I had no crew. Honestly I was surprised the pirates wanted to board my ship to begin with, but I guess the prospect of hitting an easy target was too much for simple minded moron pirates. I mean I did put out false info I was a cheap merchant hauling back a bunch of goods on the cheapest boat possible without guards. I only hoped I hadn't put it on too thick.

And I hadn't, the pirates had fired a shot to get me to stop (something I was all too happy to do because it meant I could stop fighting with the damn ship to actually go where I wanted it to). They were terrible pirates though, the "warning" shot they fired almost went right into my hull which would have sunk the damn ship (if not blown it up), they also seemed to have trouble steering their ship entirely it took them three passes to even get it lined up to board. Their boarding ropes were equally a horrible affair as they missed over and over again until I actually had to help them land and hook me in. They were the worst pirates I'd ever heard of.

"YOU?!" The tone was accusatory by the fat pirate who waddled over the gang plank to pillage my ship.

"Me." And then I lept overboard tossing a gout of flame as I went. It exploded the ship and took the pirate ship with it. The explosion tossed me like a child throws a rock. I hit the water hard and barely managed to stay concious. And I so wanted to be there for watching the pirate ship burn in the afternoon sun. It was only while I was trying to stay afloat in the middle of the ocean no other ship nearby I thought I had no way of getting back to port or an island. I had not at all thought that part through.

"Well Shit." Another fantastic Lorentino plan come to fruition.

But Seriously Pirates?

"I just don't understand the piracy thing." Rowan was still rowing. I guess I could have helped, but that would have been out of character for me and if I said I did it you wouldn't believe me anyway.

"What's to understand they overtake slower ships and get them to give over their cargo under the threat of violence."

"But they sail in a wooden ship, with sails! Most modern ships are steamers with iron hulls!" I mean I'm not a nautical expert despite sinking several ships over the years (counter to my expertise on gods, because lets face it, harder to kill a god then sink a ship!)

"Maybe where you're from they are steam ships, didn't you notice you took a sail boat to get to our island?"

"I did, I just thought that was me being cheap."

"Modern ships are a luxury down here, mostly because the waters are so shallow, most of thsoe modern ships are simply too big to fit down here."

"Ok Ok, I'll give you that, but seriously pirates?"

"Times got tough, fisherman had trouble paying the bills years ago and turned to robbing, the sad part is the fishing has recovered and makes way more money than the piracy." That was kind of sad in a man people are dicks why can't they just earn an honest living sort of way, the complete opposite of how I run my life.

"So you're saying I'll be doing the pirates a favor by sinking their ship?"

"No you won't you'll make my life worse, but apparently you don't care about that as much as you pretended to at the start."

"Nonesense, this will be good for you I promise." Promises are like lies only told with slightly less honesty. I'll admit I didn't know how it would be good for Rowan, but once you've set your mind to sinking a ship its hard to back out. At least that's what I told myself.

Rhyming Rescue

"You rowed to my rescue Rowan. hey that kind of rhymes." I had been on the island no more than a couple hours. Just enough time for me to start to wonder if I could boil the sea water into being regular water (though having no pot this would prove difficult).

"You're such a stupid stupid man, why did you upset the fisherman's guild?"

"They are pirates Rowan, they are sexist pirates."

"I know that you gods damned idiot, who do you think does all the fishing? I DO! Those idiots go out and loot and drink and I make sure the fishing gets taken care of."

"Why would you do that? Why continue to let them keep their lie up all the while they don't let you in their little club house?" I thought it absurd that the one person actually doing the fishing, was not a part of the fishermans guild.

"That's the way things have gone in this area oh grand Lorentino. See people like you show up cause shit and leave, while the rest of us just have to deal with situations as they are. This is a situation as was." The row boat was fairly small but Rowan managed to work it quite well, I was surprised at her strength, she didn't look that strong.

"Well I'm not going to just cause shit and leave! I plan on sinking those pirates! Piracy is very wrong, stealing from people is completely wrong."

"You rob people all the time, its one reason my family warned me should you ever come calling."

"But I am not a pirate! I rob the dead, completely different." She screamed in frustration, but she kept rowing. I had to make a plan for sinking a pirate ship. And by plan I mean "find it and set it on fire" you know a my usual.

I've Got To Learn To Ignore Curiosity

"So you're all pirates?" They had moved me from their headquarters to one of their ships, it felt kind of silly, but you know I went with it because I love to know things even when its dangerous to my health.

"Yes, now you know our big secret, which is a shame you'll have to die." We were sailing to an undisclosed location, I doubted it was to a surprise birthday party, but you never know!

"You don't have to kill me I can pirate with the best of them I'm an assett!" I was tied up, but it wasn't like magic rope, basically I was humoring the rotted teeth idiots.

"No we don't need someone like you on board."

"You're words sting my very soul." My pirate captor was a pot bellied snaggly toothed guy with multiple piercings, scars, and bad fashion sense. The pistol he held out was so old I think it was almost from when I was in my first lifetime!

"Shut your yap." I was below decks, the ship seemed to be in a lot of disrepair. Like I could see clearly several structural problems that would only get worse. So not only were they pirates, they were bad pirates.

"Fine don't let me tell you about treasure I know about." It was a dumb play, but you know me stupid plans are better than no plans! He ignored me and the ship sailed on. Eventually we arrived at a small island and they roughly removed me from their ship.

"Do you want a pistol with one bullet?"

"What good would that do me?"

"So you can end your life fast."

"Oh no thank you." They left me there, tied up watching as the ship sailed away. The island was fairly small, not a lot of trees or cover, probably no animals, clean water would be hard to come by, and not a lot of shade in what felt like a really overbearing sun. As the ship disappeared in the distance I thought maybe just maybe I shouldn't have let them sail me out to the middle of no where. You know what they say "Curisoity lead to dying of thirst on an island in the middle of no where." Yes they say that, look it up.

And So Sexism Was Defeated

"And honestly it makes no sense that a woman couldn't be a part of your fisherman guild, if they feel the need to throw their life away on a completely boring and disgusting profession you should let them! I mean you all aren't exactly lookers and fishing is not exactly difficult, that woman want to toss away any kind of normal life to join you should be seen as amazing, not scorned! I know you are probably all feeling very defensive right now, but if you look within yourselves you'll know that I'm speaking truth, and that my truth will shine a light into our world and other unions will also accept female members and you guys can be the start of a glorious gender revolution." The room was empty, none of the fisherman were in their little club house and I had a great speach all worked up and everything. I'd say they shouldn't leave their door wide open when they aren't there, but the truth was it was locked tight with three seperate locks and I entered through less than legal means. I thought perhaps they just were in a secret meeting I could interrupt and deliver my great speech. This was not the case at all. But again I had the speech already ready to go so I decided to at least test the accoustics of the room!

Since I had already committed one crime I figured why not check out the whole fisherman's guild to see any dirty details I could find out. I mean in for one crime why not commit all of them right? They didn't even lock up their paperwork or anything! I had membership lists, I had schedules, I had blatant admission of piracy. Wait what that last one? Yeah apparently there was a reason the fishermans guild kept women out. THEY WERE ALL DAMN PIRATES! You must imagine my surprise. It was made all the more surprising when a bunch of people with pistols arrived and stuck them in my face to say hello.

"Fellas I'm glad you're here we have to talk about discrimination!" Sadly they did not want to hear my speech on equal rights. Amazing right?

Trying To Help, Emphasis on Trying

"So you're Rowan's?"

"Relative of the older variety."

"Right." I was trying to help Rowan since she did not actively seek my help I went to her fisherman instead. I could see why she didn't want to date him, he was horrifically fat and from the look of it didn't catch much fish. Frankly I was shocked she managed to make a living with the old fatman. Especially with as much drink as he was pulling down.

"So you're in the fisherman circles, what can I do to help Rowan out, money is an object." Look I wanted to help a relative, I didn't want to put any money down on it, because I'm all about me and this was at best a vanity project disguising a vaction where I'm abdicating responsibility for being a responsible person.

"You're not from around here are you?"

"You are a master of observation sir." He had a name I didn't care to know it, nor write it down.

"Well the fisherman's guild has rules Mr. Lorentino, and Rowan doesn't meet the most of the requirements for joining, especially because she's a woman." I was shocked, shocked to find sexism a factor in the fisherman's guild. I mean if you can't trust a group of men who banded together to prevent others from taking over their jobs to not be excluding jerks, who can you trust?

"So you're saying I have to move up the chain take on the fisherman's guild?"

"That's not what I'm..."

"Well it wouldn't be the first time I broke up a boys club for the good of this world. Thank you sir I shall do my best."

"I didn't..." I left him in his half drunken stupor to reflect on all the good I've done and decided to try and find the head of this fisherman's guild, which wasn't very hard since they had a headquarters and structure and everything. That's why I prefer business over cults, even though they share a disturbing amount of similarities!

Ok Aside From All That What Have You Heard?

"I don't want to know you." I had tracked down one of my distant blood relatives, she was less than receptive to my advances.

"Everyone wants to know their family! I mean I killed my dad, see we're bonding!" I admit I kind of lack interpersonal skills when it comes to relating to normal people. My great whatever blood relation (seriously it was like six trees of weirdness and five different marriages, I don't even know if we were true blood relatives to be honest) lived in a simple shack, she was unmarried and worked as a fisherman's assistant (which I wasn't even aware was a thing people did, like how do you assist a fisherman? Wonders never cease). Her name was Rowan, and I swear for as average as she looked I thought she could do better in life, like at least marry the fisherman!

"Can you please leave?" She was the second family member I'd run into, the first tried to kill me with a shotgun and I figured that was the univeral sign for "leave me alone" Rowan instead just kept trying to ignore me, the universal sign for "Please help me out."

"No Rowan, I'm your family and family should stick up for each other!" I'll admit it had been some centuries since I'd had dealt with family my idea on what they should or should not do is a bit warped. I forced past her into her shack. She lead kind of a crappy life, no real books, no real comforts, just a small house with a fire place bed and dresser. Clearly she needed to move up in life.

"I know who you are, you're Trezlan Lorentino, the black mark on my blood line, murdered your dad, some how keep yourself alive through dark magicry, start wars, end others, and generally hurt everyone you come across! You are the person my father warned me about until his dying day!"

"Ok you've heard all the bad about me, but what about the good? I mean I'm fairly well off."

"I don't want your money, I don't want you, I want you out of my house!" She "threw" me out, more just kept pushing and I left because clearly I needed a new tact. At the very least she lived on a warm weather island, I was not done with her but figured I'd made my case and she'd come around. Besides I had to get my bearings on the island some and figure out exactly how I could go about helping young Rowan get a good man and live the good life. Not that I knew about either of those things, but I'm forever an optimist! Right of course I am.

Relatively Normal

"You are not Hanlon, I swear we've had this conversation before." I'd filled Val in on the comings and goings since I'd been gone, he was of course trying to rebuild his tavern and I was not helping because it wasn't my tavern (my shop had managed to come through unscathed from the shelling because I'm a god, and my shop is apparently in the one part of town no one cares enough to blow up).

"But what if I was Val? What if I'm some kind of weird split personality guy who has some how manifested a better more competent version of myself?" This hurt to admit to.

"Would this more intelligent version of you leave me alone when I'm busy?"

"I said more competent not intelligent, its impossible to be smarter than myself." Val harumphed and went back to nailing something to nailing in more floorboards.

"Don't you have family or something you could be bothering? Nidget, Therod anyone?"

"The family I didn't kill I have no real connection to."

"I'd say that's sad Trezlan but knowing you I'm sure you're proud of that."

"I am not proud of not really knowing the rest of my family, just mildly amused, I mean I've lived hundreds of years but my lasting impact is that I run a store in a city that seems to basically survive between calamities."

"That's pretty sad Trezlan, maybe you should try an connect with a family member, you know pretend you actually give a shit about the world, maybe you'll find out you do?"

"Well it couldn't hurt to take a vacation to warmer climates!"

"Right of course because if there's one thing you need its to do less work than you already do."

"Yes, yes, this exactly, thanks Val I'm going to book a passage today!"

"Fantastic, now just forget to come back and my life would be complete." I ignored Valrym and made my way back to my store, I had to look up some old geneology maps I'd plotted out years ago and try and find a living decedent of my family. I mean sure they wouldn't really be that connected to me as a Lorentino, but no one really ever is and thats no reason to hold it against them. Much.

As it turned out as it is in all of my pursuits in life, I arrived at exactly the right time to save somone from themselves, because I'm helpful like that. And I also got to sink a pirate ship, so that's always a plus!

You See What You Want To See

"So you're the true power in these lands?" Nidget had left me and Hanlon, because really he'd done all he was supposed to do, and I think he was terrified of Hanlon. Me? I was curious. So I decided to walk with Hanlon for a time, he offered saying I was in no condition to walk home alone, and I did not disagree.

"In a manner of speaking yes Trezlan, I'm a fire arm manufacturer, and firearms are the true power in the world now." It made sense, and I would have believed anyone else if they weren't Hanlon.

"Right of course and your magical army, the ability to absorb the ability of a god, and to then turn that god into ash with one shot, just because you make weapons." I know people think I'm stupid, I had no idea they think I'm that stupid!

"Planning and execution Trezlan. You think I appear out of nowhere, but that's more I have people following you and I know these lands better than you do. It's also how I can set up an army in advance of you deciding to stop for an evening and waiting for my pray to walk into it. And knowing it was Chaos I was dealing with to guard myself against his attack and have one of my own ready to kill him.  You choose to remain ignorant of the world around you because its easier for you to believe everyone else struggles with the basics like you do, its not the case, it will never be the case and I hope one day you clue into this."

"I don't believe anything you said."

"And that is why you'll never change, and why you'll continue to believe I'm a seperate person and not just you as you should be." And with that he was gone. And I'm pretty sure he was lying, I mean I don't own Hanlon firearms last I checked, nor did I somehow arrange big hits on gods. But that was Hanlon, obscure his real realities with fake lies. At least I hope that's whats going on, because I swear to whatever Gods I still believe in if I'm super extra crazy and half a split personality who's way more successful at things I'll be really sad.

The One True Lesson in Life

Bullets were flying everywhere, just the sound of rifle rapports and flesh exploding all around me. It was weird at one moment everything was quiet, and then the next absolutely chaos (which was hilarious considering who was doing all the dying). I ducked down and put my hands over my head. I mean it wouldn't actually save me or anything, but in moment of extreme terror turtling up like a moron is my standard go to. I couldn't see the aggressors but there had to have been hundreds perhaps thousands of them.  And just as soon as they had arrived the mysterious rifle clad assailants were gone and Chaos's chain legion were gone.

"And now you see the real god in this world." Hanlon had the smile of victory Chaos just sneered, his flesh vibrated and what semblance of normalcy was gone. He was an unhinged monster.

"You have not won Hanlon, Chaos will always be in this world, Order is the wrong state of being, Order is the unnatural part of this world. Chaos will always be here, and with it I have power." It sounded more like trying to talk himself into the belief rather than an actual belief. I should know I've done the same thing about several things in my life.

"Chaos will always be in the world this is true, but you are mistaken in that you will always be in it. You have stepped out of your role, you have become bigger than yourself and you could not shoulder the burden." Hanlon drew his pistol out and shot Chaos right in the head, the creature looked confused for a moment and then fell to the ground. The hole spread from his head and his whole body turned to black ash and then blew away in the wind.

"So you just killed the god of chaos?" Hanlon smiled.

"I had really hoped this would have just worked itself out normally, but no of course I had to get involved. There are times Trezlan I wonder how this world ever got along without me in it." And so ended the war of Chaos, the world hardly knew the danger they were in, like most things it was handeld by people who do those kind of things. It did make me wonder what Hanlon did when he wasn't swinging in give me an opportunity to almost get killed. But like most thought in that vein of things I felt it best to let it go.

Chaotic Jack Ass

The not so well dressed man was more unhinged. The suit was just tatters now, his body was a mishappen mass of skin, bone, and what appeared to be fragments of metal chain. He stood amongst his chain gang lovingly carressing one of them before stepping forward. I could also see what appeared to be smoke eminating from him. Something was definately off with the not so well dressed man. Hanlon seemed bored, Nidget terrified, me I had a splitting headache and I was tired so it was a great day for everything Lorentino.

"YOU ARE A FOOL LORENTINO!" His voice was booming.

"Inside voices please I got a head ache." A chain wrapped around my throat and silenced me, it was kind of a crushing burning pain, at least it distracted from my head ache.

"You will speak when allowed to speak mortal." The not so well dressed man at least used a quieter voice this time.

"Chaos is this really necessary?" Hanlon again seemed more perturbed than anything.

"Oh so you do know who I am Hanlon? Is that why you don't want to deal with me?"

"You have killed some of my people, you have stolen my weapons, and you expect me to want to deal with you?"

"I expect you to be a business man you twerp, I AM A GOD!" Now I don't know what Hanlon is but I figured this was probably not the best way of securing his help. It was interesting that we were dealing with what appeared to be the god of Chaos? Why would there even be such a thing? And why didn't he love me? I MEAN I CAUSE CHAOS EVERYWHERE I GO!

"Yes I see your godhood is readily apparent in your minions and actions. I mean what God can't fail to take over a country while using a scattered force of fools and has to demand weapons to equip his army?" Chaos charged forward and smacked Hanlon, who did not flinch, he did not even register the blow, I could almost feel the shockwave of power the god tried to unleash, but it faltered, Hanlon for whatever he was, was not moved by the power of a god. And that terrified me.

"What are you?"

"Something you would have been better off ignoring." And then all kind of shit broke loose like a crazy damn of crazy. I'll tell you tommorrow, my throat aches from the memory of that chain around it.

Fools Damn Fools, Lorentinos

"Nidget, Trezlan you apparently both fail at reading maps." Hanlon appeared out of nowhere as expected.

"You had a map Nidget?" He withdrew a leather map from his coat pocket, it appeared quite soaked from the swamp journey we had been involved in.

"It was poorly marked." I snatched it from his hands and could see it was extremely clear and Nidget is a gods damned idiot.

"In my defense I had a head injury." Hanlon shook his head and breathed out. I swear everytime I think Hanlon isn't human, he does something that makes him seem very human. Well aside from showing up completely out of the blue without a horse or way of traveling.

"At least you escaped."

"I told you I'd get him out Hanlon, I always honor my word." Nidget of course was lying.

"No you don't Mr. Pavorossi you only did this out of fear, do not mistake my kindness to you as weakness or you will find that said kindness can mask maliciousness understand?" His tone had changed from his normal put upon way of speaking to very harsh. I was kind of frightened of the change.

"Sort of?"

"Good enough." There were a lot of big words and Nidget is more than little bit of a simpleton, now I had no issue following it. A direct threat from a man I've seen kill the unkillable, not something I'd take lightly.

"So who's the idiot in the suit?"

"I'LL SHOW YOU WHO I AM" I could hear the voice of the not so well dressed guy and then we were surrounded by what appeared to be the worst chain gang in the world (literally they were dressed in chains) . I knew it was too easy getting away. Hanlon for his part seemed completely unsurprised, and he wasn't. Such is the world I live in, everyone is ahead of the game and I'm just wondering if I am indeed playing a game.

Nidget World's Worst Navigator

"Hmm I think we may be lost." Nidget and I post escaping my tower imprisonment had immeadiately gotten lost in a forest. Because Nidget is an idiot you see and I had no idea where he was trying to go (the blow to my head earlier also affected my ability to figure things out, it was readily becoming a source of worry for me).

"I could not tell Nidget, I mean its not like we've been wandering around the same area for hours or so it feels like."

"Trezlan when I want your opinion I'll give it to you." Nidget definately seemed more forceful, which lent support to my he wasn't Nidget theory. Or that I was really still locked up theory, or this is all a trap Nidget was paid to set up therory (I had a lot of theories).

"Look I'm a master tracker Nidget, just tell me what I'm tracking and I can find it." Gross overestimation of what I can do... CHECK! Nidget did not seek my advice, instead he just decided to start walking in one direction and hope it was the right one (considering we had been going in a circle for a couple hours this was at least a better plan than what he had before). I was getting worried no one was coming after us. I mean sure Nidget killed the guards coming in, but shouldn't more guards have shown up to check on the dead ones? Shouldn't not so well pressed been a little upset he lost not just me, but Nidget? This didn't bode well for it not being a trap.

We pushed out of the forest of being lost straight into the swamp of being really really cold and damp. Honestly I'm terrible with geography, but I think I could have avoided the swamp. We didn't, and I had to at several points lift Nidget out of amud that was increasingly getting up to his waist (why did I help him? Because he freed me, otherwise I would have just laughed and left him there as punishment). We got out of the swamp tired, cold, and angry (well I was angry Nidget was just Nidget).

Deciding I'd rather not freeze to death I made us a small fire and we set up camp for the night. It was probably not a great idea considering we were technically on the run, but again past a certain point you have to worry about survival now to worry about survival later. And the fire totally worked, in that it caused more problems than we currently had, so it totally made me forget I was completely freezing, cold, and muddy!

Not Nidget Maybe

"Even for you Trezlan this is pretty stupid." I could see drool having accumulated from where I'd been sleeping/unconcious on the floor. The voice was Nidgets, I couldn't see him since because of where I was laying, but his annoying nasally way of talking is hard as all get out to miss. I found my way back up to a sitting postion, he appeared to actually be Nidget, which seemed quite the feet for shape shifters, as I didn't realize they could also entirely change their body size.

"Yeah you can do this trick once you ingrate, but a second time is just ridiculous, especially since Nidget is still locked up himself." He was I thought still imprisoned on the strength of me telling the not so well pressed suit to keep him there.

"Right of course its not like I pick locks for a living Trezlan."

"Shape shifter begone I do not want to have another fake conversation with you." Nidget got a cross look on his face, a mixture between anger and confusion. He walked over to me and I shied away from him but couldn't make it very far due to the shackles. Which he promptly unlocked for me and I was so nice to him I grabbed his Not Nidget ass off the ground like a child who had wronged me.

"Now we'll see if you snake bastards react to fire." Fire was creeping up my hand as an extension of my anger. Not Nidget popped one of those hiden blade things he likes and stabbed me in just below my wrist causing me to drop him, he punched me in the groin as well because I guess he was angry about me threatening to burn him alive.

"You ass, I am Nidget, not some kind of snake person or whatever moronitude your going on about. Don't make me feel stupid for coming back to rescue you."

"Too late." I coughed out, my balls really really hurt.

"You're right, but for some reason I feel bad when you're about to get something you probably don't deserve." It kind of made sense in a my balls hurt really badly and I'm tired of being locked up sort of way. In the back of my mind I was worried that this was an elaborate set up, and I was right to be worried, sort of. We'll get into that next entry.

Wait A Minute

"And so I'll get out of this like I did that don't worry so much." I was finishing telling a tale of grand intrigue to myself when the not so firmly pressed suit man showed up, three guards were in tow, but me being shackled and insane probably didn't need the extra guys.

"Trezlan I'm glad to see you're as crazy as advertised." I've always felt I don't have my best foot forward in the world, this apparently is not lost on people who would lock me up in cellars. He then turned to the me I felt was me but probably should have known was not me.

"Wait you can see my own crazy?" Have to admit this was a moment where I thought I'd fully gone and lost it. Like in this brief moment I was wondering if everything up to this point was some kind fever dream while I was dying somewhere else. And then the not me rippled and became someone else, so not madness a shape shifter.

"He knows nothing." His voice was reptilian most of them are (anyone who can "shed" skin is most likely a reptile, or someone very magically talented, since this person relied on his actual skin to do the changing, reptile it was).

"Can he at least contact Hanlon?"

"No Hanlon apparently realized what a failure he is and gets in touch with him."

"Hey screw you me that isn't me." The not so pressed suit got very angry when I interrupted this ended with a strike that should have just stung my cheek but sent me slamming into the wall behind me. I also saw his not so pressed suit ripple a bit, so the shape shifter was not alone in being something he didn't appear to be.

"YOU WILL SPEAK WHEN SPOKEN TO NECROMANCER!" His voice boomed, it even made his guards flinch. I thankfully got to pass out the blow was too much, well that and the realization I wasn't talking to myself. Look you feel relieved when you haven't reached certain levels of insanity and this was one of those times.