A Fond Farewell

Well its been years thousands of entries and lots of spelling and grammatical errors, but I think I'm going to stop writing this blog now. You all silently have been great. I appreciated the exercise everyday to churn out stuff, but quality has fallen and I think doing a weekly blog is probably more for me, easier to produce quality (or what I claim to be quality).

I encourage you to read my other blog naturally

http://exterminatorsassistant.blogspot.com/

I update weekly and I like to think its got my signature style with the fun the three of you have appreciated over the years. Much love, thanks for the ride. And enjoy your lives!

Time To Step Into More Dumb

"That sounds like robbery."

"You are thinking of it too much in a criminal sense, we're just asking them to give us money in exchange for them not being hurt, more protection."

"Protection from us."

"Well yes protection from us."

"No." Nidget was attempting to help me find new work by telling me we should rob people. I was beginning to suspect literally everyone associated with Trezlan was a bad person. We were in a dive bar in a bad part of town (I swear every town I roll up in now has all bad parts, it seems since the war the only thing that really spread was inequality). Because whatever Trezlan did I didn't trust and so hiding out seemed like a good idea.  The only other patron at the bar was an old man who looked passed out or dead. I didn't even see the bartender which was fine their drinks sucked.

"I think that old guy is dead."

"Nidget no don't you little monkey leave that poor man alone." He didn't listen he was immediately rifling through the man's pockets because he's an asshole without boundries.

"I think this guy is some kind of treasure hunter."

"No Nidget no." And I kept saying no all the way to the transport and on our way to location of a supposed treasure. It didn't do anything to say, but at least I said no, it makes me feel better personally.

Lessons Unlearned

"So Trezlan was screwing with us?"

"Yeah apparently it was something he did in his past and felt it was a learning experience for me."

"Sounds like a shitty learning experience."

"Right?" I of course was worried being back in my time I'd be arrested again, but apparently Trezlan had done something for me in that no one seemed to even notice. Not even facial scanners picked up that I was a wanted criminal. Nidget and I were just really wandering around now, just a couple people looking lost out of time and mind. At least I wasn't wearing my prison outfit, that was a plus even if I looked like some weird history buff.

"Well at least we are back in the real world right?"

"Sure, unless Trezlan is screwing with us again."

"I liked it better when he wasn't a god, then his powers of screwery were only related to small petty things like putting one rock in my shoe for years."

"Are you joking with me on that?"

"No, well at least I don't think so, it certainly felt like he did it just to me." We just walked in silence for a bit. Just getting used to pavement and city lights after the desert and swamp we experienced.

"So what do you think we'll do now?"

"Probably get into trouble, its that Andre and I used to do, and at least you aren't religious like he was, that followers of fire shit got really tiresome." And Nidget was correct, we totally did get into shit not too long after!

You Can Never Let Go

"He was but a young child, far too foolish, far too clumsy, he fell." The old man was crying, the story too painful, too real. "He fell and wouldn't wake up, he just wouldn't wake up, so I did what any parent would do I made a deal with someone who I should not have and this, this is what happened." I still wasn't exactly sure how someone could take a comatose child and make it into the monster we saw, but magic is weird and those who make deals even weirder.

"So you want us to not kill him?"

"No I can't do it, I tried, I know he's a monster, he's ruined these lands and he'll do worse, I just," He wept again, "I just can't, he's my son." I understood though I had no children of my own I'd seen the way my father had always had to make hard choices when it came to sending me to do anything. It was in his eyes, the eyes of "anyone but you." Just seeing the poor man crying killed me, I wanted to slay a big creature, but the real monster was in front of me, grief in all its forms was the real killer.

"Nidget remove him please." Nidget understood, he lead the old man out. I approached the heart and I could see the small boy in there. He looked like he was dreaming among the roots and branches coming off him. I didn't want to kill him, I didn't want to destroy this monster because it felt monstrous even though I knew it was right for the world. I felt myself unable to do it.

"Harder than it looks isn't it." Of course Trezlan showed up, I'm sure he has no issue killing children and anything else.

"He's a little boy."

"Thankfully not real." He snapped his fingers and we were in darkness. Just a black nothing.

"This was a test."

"Everything is a test, some things more than others, this is a real thing I did once, I can't remember why or how, but I ran across that old man and his son, at first I thought I could just do it, I mean I'd killed hundreds of things over the years, but a small boy who's only issue was being clumsy? Seemed cruel even if he was now a monster. So I used magic, a lot of it, lots of it was bad, awful things, but I saved the child's life and ended the monstrous creature."

"So you ultimately did good."

"No, no I did not, the boy grew up, became a man, and did terrible terrible things, nothing that I knew would happen mind you, nor would his father. But all the same, by interfering in how things should go I got more people killed than I thought was possible."

"Says the person who said you sent us to the past and things would just work out."

"They did for the most part." He winked at me and then I was back in my timeline, Nidget was still there looking just as confused.

"What happened?"

"Trezlan was an asshole as usual."

"Oh so its a day that ends in Y."

The Heart of the Issue

We were in some kind of cave. We had been pulled under the earth by the monster and we could see bones of previous creatures. They lined the walls roots shooting through them. I assumed the creature just ate things, but apparently it drained them of their life slowly which was a benefit to Nidget and myself. Nidget for the most part had already escaped his roots, probably because he was short and not technically alive so the creature failed to account for him.

"So are we like in its stomach?"

"I'm not a biologist Nidget."

"Well yeah but you know things right?"

"Nope, get me out of here!"

"Won't that alert the monster?"

"NIDGET! GET ME OUT OF HERE!" I could have used my coldfire, but I was keeping my reserves of that just in case it came down to slugging it out with the monster. The little jerk finally freed me and we moved on from the "stomach" to further in, which definitely felt like we were inside the creature, despite being underground. I figured if we kept going enough we'd find its heart and be able to kill it underground (good of a theory as any other!) So we walked under the earth for a bit until we came to a central chamber and found its heart and an old tired man.

"I knew someone would come eventually to kill my boy." He leveled a pistol at us, I didn't even know they had guns this early, his hand was weak though and he couldn't even keep the pistol up before he dropped it and started crying. And things only got more awkward from there.

Not a Swamp Monster, A Swamp Giant

"That is a one big freaking monster." It was the size of a small building. I want to think Dave should have oversold the creature in its size, but I don't think that was possible. It was very much a creature, all made of earth and seemingly partially fused with the ground. Very much alive, a wandering animal got snatched up and eaten while we watched.

"Well everything is big to me, this one bigger than most." Nidget had that perspective, though I think he was underselling the size difference.

"So what do you think we do to kill it?"

"If Trezlan were here he'd say burn it down, so uhh you go set it on fire and we solve this little issue." I was hesitant to believe either a Trezlan plan or the cold fire would work on such a creature.

"So what's the other plan that won't get us killed?" Before Nidget could answer roots reached up from the ground and had snatched us. I should have known the creature would have noticed us, but you know when you are in an argument with a little person you make mistakes. Mistake like standing there like an idiot while it grabs you and slowly lumbers over to eat you. Mistakes like that.

Dave of the Lost Daves

"So really my family used to farm this land prior to it going all swampy of misery." The cloaked man was named Dave, the least threatening name ever. I mean tommy the evil person is just funny, but Dave was nice, he took us in and fed us and didn't try and kill us, so you know modest hopes from another human.

"Why don't you leave?"

"Felt like giving up really."

"So instead you stand around scaring people about the swamp of misery?"

"Well its more of a warning."

"About what?"

"Oh the giant land killing monster that lives further in." It felt like Dave should have lead with that. Like instead of all the hi's I'm Dave, maybe say "Hey can you help me kill this huge monster that killed my familial land?" But that's not Dave, Dave's nice.

"Giant swamp monster?" Nidget already started to sound kind of apprehensive.

"Not really a swamp monster, just a giant land killing creature, I dunno its like part of the earth or something? It really just turned this more liveable land into the horrid swamp you see right now."

"You want to kill the monster don't you." Nidget knew, he just knew.

"Yes yes I do." And so we set out on an actual good thing and not whatever Trezlan wanted us to do, because he's a dick and we do what we want!

I'm Shocked By This

"So I have no idea where we are going." I felt like killing Nidget wouldn't get me anything, but the satisfaction of the action would at least be worth it when my final moments came. We had at least gotten beyond the desert and into a swamp like region which didn't seem like one should be next to the other, but I'm not some kind of environmental person I have no idea.

"I couldn't tell Nidget, what with your charging ahead 'I know where I'm going' the whole time."

"Well that was to give you a feeling of confidence, I'm completely lost, I don't even know what continent we are on."

"I hate you so much right now Nidget."

"There it is, now this a proper adventure with a Lorentino." I was about to tell him where he can shove his adventure when we were stopped by another hooded cloaked fellow.

"WELCOME TO THE SWAMP OF MISERY."

"Let me guess your name is Ralph." I figured we'd get this started right.

"Oh god you guys ran into Tommy didn't you?"

"Yeah a couple weeks back."

"How did you wind up here, like if you were going for civilization you are way off." I scowled at Nidget, but at least the keeper of the swamp of Misery was nicer than I expected.

"Nidget's an idiot."

"Say no more, come come along lets get you something to eat."

"I thought you said this is the swamp of Misery?"

"Well I get pretty lonely and only half mad people dying of thirst normally swing by, so I put on some theater for them sue me." I wasn't going to find fault in someone being nice to us in this weird place, but I have to say the Swamp of Misery was pretty nice eventually. Maybe it just needs better marketing.

So Stuck? Horilarious

We didn't end up killing Carver either. Ultimately she was just as pathetic as Tommy, she vowed to reform herself, but we didn't really care either way. We did manage to take some money from her (we're not good people) and I got some new clothes that fit in more with the time period. Of course I was hoping Trezlan would come get us, but alas he was busy doing Trezlan things, so we were lost in the middle of gods knows where, during who knows when? Like this was a really bad situation for reality in my opinion. But I didn't know anything really! I didn't even know if where we were was real, and not just Trezlan screwing with us.

So outside of the cave of not horrors the rest of the area we were in was fairly desert. Nidget said it felt like his home which was also a desert, and that didn't make me feel better. I also didn't feel super smart we didn't think to bring water when we left stupidly. I suggested we go back and rob Dr. Carver of her water, but Nidget vetoed that as he said it would make us look like idiots. So dying of thirst was the preferable method!

At least Nidget seemingly knew what he was doing. I had never been this alone in a survival situation ever. In the war we were hunted but it was mostly in the ruins of things, there was stuff to scavenge. This was the wilderness, an empty waste! Completely different for me in so many ways! I figured Nidget would at least know where he was going. After two weeks almost dying... HE HAD NO FREAKING IDEA EITHER! YES IT TOOK ME TWO WEEKS TO FIGURE THIS OUT! HE WAS LOST THE WHOLE TIME!

Seriously? You Guys are Jerks

"Can you just skip to the point before you go into your big blah blah I'm evil speech?" Nidget had apparently seen this kind of thing before. The hooded man I swear to the gods legitimately looked sad at this request!

"NONESENSE THE GREAT TOMMY DEMANDS YOU ATTENTION!" Nidget and I just started laughing.

"Tommy? Seriously this is your big evil name?"

"What? oh like you two assholes are so superior." The pretense of things was dropped, the poor man just wanted to be big and spooky and here he was saddled without about the most unspooky name ever. Like I guess like Little Timmy would be unspookyer, maybe.

"Yes I'm sorry Tommy please continue." Nidget and I couldn't even keep it together to tell him to keep being all evil.

"No, not until you guys show me more respect, I'm a big evil conjurer! I demand your respect!"

"You had some fleshless monkeys and like an evil bitch helping you, that's not exactly like super hard."

"Those were straight from your nightmares! I CONJURED YOUR NIGHTMARES!"

"Ehhh, I'm not afraid of monkeys, and Nidget's not afraid of fleshless things, its just two things that were kind of annoying put together." I could see him getting angrier, I kind of felt sorry for him, though he did try and kill us, just really poorly.

"Leave, just leave, I'll unlock the door just get out of here."

"Well not without the money." Tommy looked at us like we were the dicks in this situation.

"THERE ISN'T ANY THIS IS AN ILLUSION!" He dispelled the money with a wave of his hand, "NOW GO!" Nidget and I decided it was best to just leave, you know let Tommy be alone for a bit.

"Should we like go back and kill him?"

"Nah, I mean he's probably someone elses issue, and this is the past right? We might mess up something in the future if we kill Tommy back here."

"But we are killing Carver."

"Hell yeah we are." Because screwing up time only partially applied to getting vengeance.