The Winds of Annoyance

"So then I killed the flesh god." I was on my fourth Ale and Valrym was on his fourth role of his eyes, it was a very fourthy kind of day. Snow had come to Rosetia and with it less travelers and more cold and time on our hands. I'd spent most of my time at Valrym's tavern killing flagons and telling stories.  He spent the majority of the time just humoring me, because my coin was good.

"Right of course you did Trezlan, another ale?"

I looked at my current empty beer for a moment and decided one more wouldn't kill me probably, "Sure I don't have anything else to do."

"So it would seem, don't you have to run that store of yours at some point?"

"Nah Nidget's doing that mostly, he's good at selling things, or reverse stealing, either way I get money and have little to do, frees up my time to spend it with friends."

"You have some of those?"

"I'm so hurt Valrym you wound me." I was ready to wallow my sorrows in more ale when the door blew open and a tall thin young man in a crisp suit and flamboyant hat stepped in.  And the door did really blow open, like the wind decided all at once no door should be closed ever.

"So a disciple of death and the avatar of earth walk into a bar." The young man had the confidence of someone who knew life was his for the taking, of course he was also a god and "young" was just an illusion.

"Devuin whatever did I do to be inflicted with your company?"

"I'm not a disciple of," I paused the words were harder to come by the four previous ales having done damage to my vocabulary, "Death." My word finished I had a satified look on my face, well I assumed I did, I tried to be all satisfied.

"Right my good man you are not a disciple more just a sampler of his numerous platters!" With that he slapped me on the back and turned his attention to Valrym. "And what I'm doing here is seeing one of my distant sort of cousins right? I can't swing in and see you during my favorite time of the year."

"No no you can not we had this conversation the last time you blew in here."

"Oh don't be like that, besides you'll want to hear what I have to say! Things are changing Val you might be able to come back on the upswing if you'll just listen and let me talk."

And with that I came to learn that gods, just like regular people, hate seeing relatives as well for the exact same reason.  They always want something that you don't want to give them.

Family Like Enemies Only Closer

It's always facinating to me as a person who has outlived all of his friends/family/eventually everyone ever who has ever lived (well past a certain point I mean if there is no one left to steal the life from I'll be boned, but I doubt that will happen anytime soon) to see other people have to deal with their families.  Ultimately its always some celebration or other annoying time of the year that families think its a great time to swing in and bother you.  Well other people, as I've said I've outlived all of my immediate family and I'm completely unaware if I have any surviving distant relatives.  On top of that having an entirely made up lineage makes it difficult to go off someone's last name for relation, though amazingly I have run across other Lorentinos! I believe having living as long as I have someone must have heard one of my tales of heroism and took the name as a way of honoring me.  Well I certainly hope thats what it is and not just some grave robbing jerks who figure I'm dead and they can steal my legacy.

Anyway back to family! I figured the only other person in Rosetia that would have a similar fascination with other peoples annoying relatives would be Valrym. Hilariously I was completely wrong with that and thats where my story will take place tomorrow. I'd write more today but the closest thing I have to family is being obnoxious (yes Nidget, yes I understand that that basically disqualifies my whole fascination in other peoples relatives when I have a small dumb child of my own who bothers me all the time SHUT UP!)

Telrrax and the Great Conclusion

"GO GO GO GO GO!!!" I had rowed back to the boat as fast as I could (so pretty slow, I'm in terrible shape), Telrrax was still out cold but I got back to the ship and started screaming and flailing.

"Is she dead?"

"Possibly WE ALL WILL BE IF YOU DON'T MOVE THE SHIP!" I was shouting and trying to get people moving but people weren't really moving or listening or doing anything.

"IS THAT VOLCANO EXPLODING?" I sighed because WHY DID THEY THINK I WAS SHOUTING!!! Thankfully they caught on that yes the Volcano was about to explode and yes we were all going to freaking die if they didn't move their dumby dumb asses so surpingly they got moving.  The volcano wasn't apparently just exploding it was destorying the island, I could feel the shockwaves of power pulsing (who knew killing a god can destroy the island that was his place of power? Oh everyone knew that? Everyone knew that).

Some after this adventure research ( yes I do that, look I like to know what I killed and how screwed up I made the world, yes its after I screwed things up, but come on!) showed that the god that the councilman had become was some island god of harvest that had been worshipped by an island people who got wiped out by another group of no one cares.  Which left the god a little pissed, a little less "all life is sacred" and more "I will destory life with life" crazy.  I had thought without worshippers god's die, but apparently they can just slowly go insane, corrupt an idiot to allow them in, and then be wiped out by a necromancer (that last part is not a given!).  If we hadn't stopped councilman crazy the world would have become a very ugly place in a short order, it was actually amazing he hadn't actually been driven mad prior to us arriving (well madder, he wasn't exactly a rational dude to begin with).

The trip home was uneventful (aside from my vomitting). Telrrax recovered blamed/thanked me for what had happened and then went about returning to her job of tracking down the Red Hand traitors (I don't know why she considered them traitors I mean they were all still following their own government!) I returned to my shop which Nidget had managed actually well (he only stole 10% of my profit amazing restraint).  I never did find that cold collar that started this whole madness, but I'm sure that won't come up again or anything.

Yes I know by saying that it will, it always does.

Trezlan Lorentino Vs The Flesh Monster God

"What can I say other than you are one ugly ugly god." I'll admit in the annals of great comebacks to god creatures threatening to kill you this was well not the best, but most of those other much more witty people DID NOT LIVE THROUGH THEIR ENCOUNTER BOO YAH!  The god councilman held apart his meat maw of arms (which also had other arms sticking out of them) and I felt the magical ropes holding me start to pull in different directions, it felt like he was literally trying to rip me apart. I tried to fight back with magic, but it appeared whatever he wrapped me in blocked that entirely (stupid weird volcano god powers). I was preparing to embrace whatever horrible afterlife was planned for me when lightning danced all over the council god's body and I was roughly reintroduced to the ground.

"NOW YOU DANCE FOR ME YOU SON OF A BITCH!" Telrrax wasn't just using magic, she was over using it, like I know I don't mention corruption as often because for me its just another problem (oh the joys of life theft), but at the rate of power being displayed by Telrrax she was about to explode the bad way, and from the look on her face it wouldn't bother her a bit. The council god was distracted, but I didn't see any of the usual signs of magical infliction.  I tried to add to it with fire, but again I didn't see anything, like my gun shot earlier nothing got through. The creature laughed, a horrible belly full of misbegotten flesh laugh, and then with a whip of his arm both Telrrax and I were smashed with more of his magical cable, it felt like getting hit with a tree branch.

"Do you think that your petty magical ability can hurt A GOD?" When he said god, the volcano roared, "I am consumed with the life and souls of my crew, a hundred men gave their power to me and soon you will join me!" The creatures arm grew and snatched me up dragging me to his disgusting maw I smelled a scent I'd rather not put to words and the creature smiled.

"So you're some kind of god of life power?" I felt the blood again in my throat, but this time it felt like it was almost being drawn out of me.

"Yes my power is one from many, you can not kill me for I am life itself." I smiled, and spit some blood on my hand. The creature opened its maw to swallow me whole and I slid the blood along side the roof of his mouth saying dark words as I did so. Class what have I told you about necromancers and being touched? The reaction was immediate, the creature recoiled, he dropped me to the ground his large arm contracted and pulsed the flesh rotting like at the end of a large infection.

"What did you do to me?" His voice changed from the amplified shout to that of a scared old man.

"Blood magic, a necrotic curse, you see you are the GOD of life, well I know a thing or two about death, and you are right I could not overwhelm your life force, but I can release it." His face twisted, the volcano bellowed, I knew then it was a good time to leave.  I picked up Telrrax as the god creatures screams started up again, the power of the lives he had stolen was being turned inward exploding him from within (I could have also tried to drain the power out of him, but after the vengeance god I'm not that freaking crazy to mess with a god again). The lava below was no longer being kept in check, the heat and power of it was immense, if Telrrax and I hadn't gotten out of there when we did we would have been cooked in it (another reason to not simply steal the power).  The flesh creature of Telrrax's was still out cold and I felt a bit sorry for its unnatural death, but it didn't exactly have a natural life. I had to move fast the volcano was making noises that it was going to blow, and I wasn't exactly the strongest guy and despite Telrrax being fairly thin she wasn't an easy carry down a damn mountain side after I'd been batted around by a flesh god.

As you can assume gentle weird reader of a journal I'm not publishing in a way at all. I lived, as did Telrrax. The aftermath will be tommorrow's entry.  And no I won't teach you the power to unleash someone's own life force, I'm saving that one for when I run across Morley again (which as you can probably assume is what my mentor learned the blood magic for in the first place, to kill other necromancers in a horrible way).

Time To Change Your Profile

"Well I think you can uncheck the was not a cannibal thing from your profile." The councilman was eating his flesh stew, he'd also take on extra appendages that flopped out from underneath his robe (randomly like a foot or arm here or what looked like a useless torse there).  It was as if he had just absorbed his crew not just ate them.

"Gee you think?"

"I do."

"Shut up Trezlan."

"BOTH OF YOU BE SILENT IN THE FACE OF THE GREAT GOD KOMIRARAIRI." His voice boomed and when he spoke the lava below also swirled.

"Really thats your name? Man I can't even begin to hruk!" I didn't get to complete my petty comment because I was launched into a wall (Trezlan Lorentino wall inspector). The god of I am not writing that again and probably mispelled it anyway then snatched Telrrax up from her position at the mouth of the cave and held her in the air next to his cauldron (did I mention the cave lay out, basically we were at the mouth of a cave with a small walkway up to a jutting area where the god and his cauldron was, beneath us was the burning lava being held in check by magic, and above us was the exit). The flesh creature just collapsed to the ground, I figure whatever link it had with Telrrax was broken by the God's power.

"HELP ME LORENTINO!" My eyes were blurry, I could taste blood and I was against a god, but of course Telrrax wanted me to help, I mean its not like I had anything better to do or anything!

"LORENTINO!!!" The councilman god roared I felt the volcano shake under my feet and Telrrax dropped to the ground her body going limp when she hit (either from the magical power or a fake out, the flesh creature remained inanimate). I felt magical bindings wrap around me, like the tight ropes of cable they were constricting my body, I managed to free my revolver from its holster and fire a shot, it was dead on but did nothing, I could see a bit of the god's belly quiver from the impact but the god creature just laughed.  The binds tightened and my revolver hit the mouth of the caves floor. He lifted me to this putrid smelling body and I could see not only was he made up of most likely his former crew, they were still kind of alive, which was horrible even for a necromancer like myself.

"Do you have anything to say before you die?"

What did I say? What happened? Did I get to add another god to my list of things I killed! Well obviously, but tommorrow the answer to none of your questsions and more!

Flesh Roasting On an Open Fire

"Euggh what is that smell." The cave had gone of course underground, though the walls were at least carved and stylized with some language and glyph system I couldn't make out, so we weren't like in an uncivilized cave that was a bonus. The cave did reek of burning flesh, which as always was a minus.

"Burning flesh."

"You sure?" I gave her a look that told her yes I of all people knew exactly what burning flesh smelled like (I guess her experience at setting people on fire with Lightning wasn't as vast as mine with fire). "So do you believe its for a human sacrifice?"

"Either that or the worst BBQ ever, was the councilman a cannibal?"

"Not that I ever saw."

"Well sacrifice it is, burning them alive thats pretty evil." I still was alarmed I hadn't seen any kind of people, I mean I could smell them, but there was no discarded clothing, broken bodies pools of blood.  Somehow this guy got an entire ships worth of people from a ship into a cave and at no point no one left any reminder they were there.

"You burn people alive."

"And I'm pretty evil, I mean I've kept myself alive by stealing the life of others to unnaturally extend my own." I never lie about my motives, I fear death like Nidget fears responsibility. We left our cave and entered a larger room in it there was a cauldron of the roasted human flesh we'd smelled earlier stirring the cauldron was our councilman, completely insane looking and surrounded by a violet aura, we also appeared to be above the volcano proper though the heat that should have cooked us as well was kept in check by magic.  Which was not comforting considering the circumstances.

"WELCOME TO YOUR DOOM TELRRAX!"

"I would say I don't want to say I told you so, but I really do want to say it so, I TOLD YOU SO!" Petty always so petty, its the Lorentino way.

Hmm Smells like Trap

"How odd there doesn't appear to be anyone left on board." Telrrax and I had departed the ship, the rest of the crew was to remain on board (because Telrrax is not an idiot you don't crash your enemies ship and then give them another ship ready to go).

"Must have been a ghost ship, oh well time to go then?" Look I hate being on a ship as much as anyone, I hate getting stuck on an island with ghost pirates and a powerful magic user worse. I assumed ghost pirates, but you know with my history? Not exactly unheard of. Telrrax of course gave me a dirty look, so did the flesh creature.

"I wonder which way they went." I was about to laugh but Telrrax seemed genuinely curious and couldn't see the obvious trail from the ship into the jungle, I had to remind myself not everyone had the years of being lost in the woods experience that I had, she had probably never even left a city before.

"This way." I pointed in the direction of deeper in and off we went. I wanted to explore the ship more, try and figure out what the Councilman might have been doing in there, but alas like most of my good ideas it was ignored in favor of going off for the dumb idea (we'll ignore the fact my "good" ideas are ignored by me most of the time, ok moving on). What appeared at first to be a path just cut for the purpose quickly became apparent it was an actual path (trees and overgrowth were not anywhere along the path I could make out some stones that had been covered by sand). The path was also moving towards a cave that clearly went into some kind of volcano.  I also noticed that despite a recently wrecked ship and hastily running away from the wreckage, there was absolutely nothing along the path leading to the volcano cave, no blood, not strewn garbage, just foot prints.

"This could be a trap." I had stopped Telrrax and her flesh creature almost ran in to me.

"What makes you think that?"

"I dunno the fact that we found no one on the ship, this is clearly a path into a volcano, and it's been like a day since the last one so in my world that means I'm about to get into one."

"Trezlan you are such a cynical person, now get into that cave." I looked at Telrrax angrily but did as I was told and into the trap we went.  Ooops spoilers.

The Orchestra of Naval Combat

Boom! Duck! Clang Clang! Whiz! FIRE!!!! SWING US AROUND FOR ANOTHER BROADSIDE!  SHE'S HIT CAPTAIN! BANG BANG BANG! EXPLOSION! This goes on and on for twenty plus minutes as our heavy iron ship fought the wooden galleon, as one could expect they came out the loser in the altercation. It was a deafening symphony of explosions and screams (and more vomitting by me, my stomach does not respect battle at all). Honestly if I could write music I totally would have written some about the battle as it definately felt like a song should commerate the amount of noise.

It was of course for naught as long loud sea battle tend to be.  The galleon took a beating, but still had more than enough speed to get to the island and crash into it (how do you hit an island you say? Well be chased by a superior vessel and hitting land is better than hitting bottom). Telrrax was furious as you can expect, I was just happy to be getting to land, even if it meant chasing after a dangerous magic user, at least the island wasn't going to sway under my feet.  Well it was a modest hope it wouldn't alas... But you know the story next entry!

No No Lets not Go Hard to Anywhere

"HARD TO STARBORD" BLEEEEEEEEEECH! I could only barely hold on to the railing while I heard the captain barking orders up above. I was terrible on the sea anyway, but it was made worse by a storm that had set in while we were chasing our prey and every sway of the ship was amplified. We had been on the open sea for three days, I don't know how Telrrax figured we were going the right way, but I'll be damned if we didn't see the sails of the councilman's ship on the horizon (what little we could make out in the storm).  I again spent the time trying to keep fruit and small food down, while rushing to the rail to throw it back up.

Telrrax spent her time walking the ship and skulking at the horizon.  The crew seemingly used to the behavior from her just let her be. I could understand a personal motive to someone who kept you a slave, but hers was bordering on obsession (something I also understood). I don't pry, but I figured there was a tale there I never wanted to know.

"WE'RE GAINING HER SIR!" The captain called out over the loud thump of the storm and I looked up and saw that we were gaining on the galleon, we were also getting close to an island of sorts.

"We need to move faster Captain, I don't want that son of a bitch getting to an island, catch that ship and sink it."

"I'll try my best."

"You'll succeed captain, there is no point in trying." I wanted to tell her sinking the ship would make it difficult to know if the councilman was even aboard, but between puking, the storm, and well Telrrax's mood I thought it best to keep my mouth shut, well aside from the vomitting. The boat took another hard lurch to the right and then the banging started, they were trying to open fire on us, and we were responding in kind.

"This just got fun boys!" The captain called out and I had to beg to differ.

Agent Telrrax Magic Hunter

"I'm still confused." We were making our way on to the ship, the men saluted Telrrax as she came on board.

"Because you are easily confused and can't keep up with simple deception, it makes you incredibly useful as bait, but incredibly useless as anything else.

"That hurts."

"Buck up I could just leave you on the docks to your fate."

"I want to be left behind!"

"Really you want to be left in a country that you are revered as some kind of weird god of vengeance in which you were spotted by a coach driver leaving a mansion with two dead bodies inside?"

"Well when you put it like that." I followed her up to the bridge of the ship where a man in a fancy hat stood at controls.

"Captain we are leaving our quarry got ahead of us and we'll have to make up time, he's in a galleon so subject to winds and currents, but he does have a days jump on us."

"Yes sir we'll leave immeadiately." The man snapped a salute and called out to the crew who made preperations for leaving. Telrrax made her way to a cabin and I followed suit, her flesh creature remained on the bridge.

"I can tell you'll just continue to look stupid and ask questions so I'll just tell you, I'm a magic hunter the guard hired me to kill or capture all of the remaining red hand leadership we can, before you ask no we have not found nor do we expect to find Morley, and yes we know you two have history and yes we know he too is a necromancer much like yourself."

"And the gold collar?"

"Was mine to wear as this particular slimes pet, its one of the reasons I was chosen for this assignment, I have a specific history with this councilman and no love for the rest.  The guard realizes magic users are better to hunt magic users at least for now, any further questions."

"No I think that wraps it," The boat lurched and I felt my stomach do the same thing, "Excuse me." I heard Telrrax sigh from her cabin as I ran outside to throw up what little I'd gotten to eat since I'd been freed.  I tell you remembering this trip is making me feel sick to my stomach!

The Day I Catch Up I Fall Behind

There was a coach outside with a driver just waiting (I was surprised there was a driver, but I guess if you pay someone enough in this world they'll just ignore morality and do their job) and we were away from the not councilman's house as soon as the reins struck the horses.  I tried to keep up with where we were going in case I had to I dunno find my way back? But I'm terrible with directions at the best of times and Telrrax must have said to not mind the passengers because the coach was bouncing every which way as we careened along the road narrowly missing several people in the process. We found our way into town and then the docks, I wanted to take a moment to collect myself but Telrrax hopped out gave me a look that told me this would not be adviseable and made our way to the dockmaster.

"Where is this ship?" She handed the man the receipt I had found.  He looked up from some papers he was shuffling, the office was full of people but Telrrax was not one to wait.

"There is a line Madam." His voice was of the bored sort, the type of office beaurocrat who has dealt with a lot of impatient people and fails to see the importance of the matter in front of him.

"Do I look like I care about your line, you're going to tell me what I want to know little man or you're going to see your..." I grabbed Telrrax's shoulder, she gave me a look that could have killed the dead but she understood why I stopped her from threatening the clerk, I mean we weren't in the lands of the guard, but the lands of the east weren't really cool with you threatening to gut people either "Your time will be seriously wasted with me in here trashing everything until you help."

"What was the ship again?" She thrust the paper back in front of his face.

"Oh this ship left a day ago."

"It what?" I could feel the surge of power in the room and feared Telrrax would explode (I haven't seen it from a magical user but its in theory possible).

"It left port a day ago, please don't kill me." Telrrax didn't kill him, she left a crowd of stunned people in her wake but she didn't kill the messenger. She stomped out the docks and looked around for something, spotting it she ran towards it. It was a smaller vessel than the one we had arrived in, also it was a military vessel, iron plating large gun ports and staffed my guard personel.

"Come on Trezlan we are catching ourselves a councilman."

"I am not stealing a military ship I have no clue about running." Telrrax laughed.

"Steal? Its my ship Trezlan, now come along." And away we went me being more confused than I had been previously.  Because life just likes dragging me along.

The Legend of The Made Up Lorentino

"Were you aware they have statues of you in this country?" Telrrax and I had moved on from the smoking corpse of the former master of the house to ransacking his house to try and locate his master.

"I was unaware of that, I'm sure they don't even look like me." I was actually aware of it, but fake modesty demands I be aloof to it.

"I'm aware you are kind of a strange creature Trezlan, but may I ask why they have statues of you here?"

"I killed a god that was terrorizing the lands." Telrrax laughed.

"Ok don't tell me its better this way anyway." People don't understand the power of necromancy (I don't really either to be perfectly honest I'm like a child with a torch) when I tell them I've killed a god they just pat me on the head and say "sure you have." Its insulting! Sure I've inflated other stories but I did kill a god give me some credit!

"Ahh crap." I found a piece of paper that looked to be a note written on the back of a deed of sale, the note was uninteresting but the deed of sale was where the important part was.

"Whats the matter?"

"I don't think our fake councilman would have any need for a large galleon would he?"

"No I don't think he would, but our real councilman would quickly Trezlan he probably knows we're on to him!" Which meant we were going back to the water, I could feel my stomach revolting already. Or it could have been from hunger I hadn't eaten anything in a while!

The Futility of Torture

"I don't think he'll talk." Telrrax had been proving that point to the not council member (turned out he was a very flamboyant assistant to a councilman who had been basically a living target so as to keep the real councilman safe, it had worked poorly).

"Oh he'll talk." Telrrax had been using a low power of her lightning for two hours, which helped her avoid corruption and didn't kill the idiot we were torturing, but on the flip side it was failing to produce any results.

"Any information he'll give up will be useless anyway he'll just say whatever so you stop, believe me I know." So many useless facts I've given up in torture, I actually keep a list of useless facts in my head to give up specifically in torture.

"Well I'll admit some of this is more for fun than anything else." The not councilman was in his underwear tied to his bed (no need for shackles he lacked magical power at all), he was still gagged, which made confessing things difficult.  The flesh creature guarded the door from no one, but it was reassuring he was there in case we needed him.

"You have to know he doesn't actually know where his master is right? He's useless as a target if he knows where the real guy is." I could see the look on Telrrax's face, it was one of resignation.

"You're right." The bolt lept from her fingers and the mans body ignited in a horribly grotesque fashion.

"You know I could have made sure of that right? I mean he might have known."

"No no you're right no need to second guess this." Telrrax sighed.

"We can still find the councilman, someone has to know something somewhere right?"

"Of course of course, I just hoped it would be easy you know, get my vengeance be done with this whole thing, but no no it's got to be one more bother in my schedule I tell you Trezlan revenge is so much harder than just simple murder." I had to agree even if she said it in the worst way possible.  I mean as a person who has unrequited vengeance against Morley I'm the best example of no matter how many people you kill the real one you want to kill will continue to elude you.  It was also nice to know this wasn't about a collar at all, not that I didn't already figure that since she was more concerned with finding the councilman than the collar, but still it was more obvious now and thats easier for me.

Golden Collar Bait

"What are you doing here?" Telrrax's flesh creature had brought my clothes from whereever they had been cast out to, upon seeing me naked she immediately insisted I dress.

"Getting the collar I want of course."

"I thought that was my job?"

"And you did it so well." We were moving from the foyer of the house I had been brought to, to upstairs, I could see broken bodies of servants/guards smashed into the walls and furniture, some even looked electrocuted which spoke to what Telrrax commanded.

"Yeah getting kidnapped right off the boat definately plays into my strong suits."

"It does actually, see you were under the impression I wanted you to negotiate or something for the collar I wanted, alas poor Trezlan I planned on using you as bait the entire time, anyone from the Red Hand would jump at the chance of capturing the man who brought them down, now I didn't quite expect you to get picked up so early, but this worked out for the best anyway." We found our way to a bedroom and a man inside was clearly screaming against a mouth gag. The man was the councilman I'd see earlier.

"And now?"

"Now you are plan B in case our friend here doesn't feel like talking."

"What's plan A?" Telrrax's hand pulsed with lightning and I swear I saw a sparkle in her eyes.

"This is plan A." The lightning lept from her hand and the man screamed against his gag.  I couldn't say I felt bad for him, but torture is always hard to watch with my history (even when I'm the one doing it, see I admit being bad is harmful!).

The Most Amazing Dream

I've remarked on my amazing ability to fall asleep before, but I'm truely a master of falling asleep in bad situations.  Which always leads to awkward moments of being awakened still in a really bad situation, but having dreamed a lot nicer situation (how you may ask can you dream about being shackled and its nice? Well I'll tell you when your older). This time it lead me to a fantasy about the flesh slave of Telrrax unhooking me from my imprisonment while the not dock workers eyeless corpse lay at my fee (how did he lose his eyes? Fingers think nothing more on this). I was really involved in this dream, like to the point I worried when I really woke up I'd be immenseley dissapointed to find out I was still attached to a pole and about to have my genitals inserted into the mouth of a snake or something (hasn't happened yet, but thinking about it that would work really good as a torture device). I was so convinced I was dreaming I didn't even notice when the creature rather roughly dropped me to the ground at Telrrax's feet (nothing brings you back to reality more than an impact with a wooden floor, well there are several things actually but you know what for this entry it'll do).

"Morning sunshine." That acidic tongue told me that this was no dream, because in most of my dreams women have a nicer way of talking (note I said most not all).

Lesser Forms of Filth

The not dock worker came down shortly after his boss had left.  He too was dressed in red (the Red Hand were anything if not uniform, hilariously it also made finding former Red Hand people really easy, just check their closet!).  He had a bucket and the roughest rag that was ever constructed by man.  Agonizingly he scrubbed me up and down , it felt like this was supposed to be a part of the torture as opposed to just some cleaning before the torture (I guess his master didn't want to get his hands dirty).  I tried not to cry out in pain, but when he was scrubbing my genitals I couldn't keep my yelp in.  He smiled at my scream so I did what I had left and peed on him.

"That wasn't very nice."

"Neither was your cleaning job I figured I'd express my disproval." He hit me in the crotch and I cried out again in pain.

"And now you know my disproval."

"I just want you to know when I kill you, it won't be slow, but it'll really really suck."

"Right Lorentino I'm so scared." He should have been, he dies horribly oops spoilers!  I'm just saying when I tell someone that in the end they'll beg for their death, well they should listen! Now I was wrong, I personally did not kill him, but he did die horribly! So it was a mostly true statement, also known as most of what I say!  I always hate the lesser forms of filth that people in power employ, because they value themselves above where their station in life says they are.  They should be glad they aren't being scraped off a shoe and leave it at that. But no, they have to always try and reach above their place and in that they die terribly for the effort. Also known as the circle of schmuck, I just made that up, its mine you can't have that!

Fish Poison?

"Wake up Mr. Lorentino." A side effect of having been captured, poisoned and assaulted at all times is I have grown remarkably able at falling asleep in weird situations.

"No no I didn't request a wake up call how about you go away and come back with breakfast later." I had been strung up on a post and naked, because when you have someone powerless taking their clothes off gives you that extra special creepy factor. I was in a dirt dungeon area, stone walls, the post I was attached to extended to the ceiling and had my feet off the ground. I had to tip my hat to my own ability to sleep during this particular incarceration.

"Cute, did you enjoy the poison?"

"It was a bit tarter than my normal brew, I think I'd prefer it with sugar next time." No matter how bad a situation looks always always be an asshole.

"It comes from fish, specifically their liver, its a strange defensive measure in that something that eats the fish would then become paralyzed and most likely eaten by something else."

"I believe there's a parrallel to that and the very poor, but alas I can't make it." There was only one guy in front of me, his regal attire and preponderence of Red tells me he was a former member of their council (they were always so flamboyant) most likely the person Telrrax wanted me to get the collar from (I say most likely becuase she never did actually tell me who I was supposed to go after, I guess that was something I probably should have asked about, but two weeks of vommitting tends to drain a man).

"I expected more of you." He was sizing me up, white skinned no blemish's, looked like the only time he saw the sun was when he was verifying the world was still there, so once a year.

"I expected less of you, funny how that works." Again I didn't know who this was, but refer back to Lorentino's number one rule.

"The great Necromancer, the destroyer of governments! Trezlan Lorentino a petty man with petty little comebacks."

"The guy who is in front of me some kind of red fetishist! Wait damn it you said I had petty comebacks."

"I'll enjoy torturing you for what you've done."

"When its all done we'll settle up after, I just want you to know that." He left, I'd like to think I got the better of him but I was naked shackled to a post off the ground and I'd been drugged by fish liver poison. So it was probably more a draw? I mean thats being generous to him right?

The Poison Traveler

I've been poisoned by all sorts of things in this world (don't make me get into the poison vs. venom thing again I WILL HURT YOU!). Sometimes by eating them intentionally (hunger the ultimate poisoner), sometimes by accident (hmm this doesn't look that old) most times by some jerk with a weapon of some kind.  All kinds of poison has entered my system, I've heard tale some Sins actually innoculate themselves against poison by intentionally inflicting it on themselves, this is ridiculous in my experience since I've been unintentionally doing it for centuries and it hasn't improved dick (other than my reaction to being poisoned).

This poison was paralytic (duh I lost complete control of muscles) it also had a lasting effect to it, when I woke up in a box (yes you read that right a damn box) I could hardly move my eyes let alone anything else.  So there I was all alone in a box paralyzed, this was not one of my greatest moments.  But I'll admit the one thing I really wanted to know was, what exactly did they hit me with? I mean as a poison sampler its one of those things I had to know, but as I traveled down the worlds worst road (full of bumps thereby bringing my face to the top of the box I was in more than I'd prefer).  So my first day back in the lands of the east got worse as these things often do. I tell you its almost like people don't like me. Almost...

The Lands of The East Rewelcomes You

Two weeks of puking lead me to finally arrive at my destination. TWO WHOLE WEEKS OF VOMITING (also known as a vacation with Nidget ZING!) Needless to say when I stumbled off the ship and onto the pier of the lands of the east I wasn't in a great mood nor feeling all that well (two weeks of vomiting will do that to you). I saw Telrrax wave tata at me as I wobble walked on the pier trying deperately to avoid falling into the drink.

The lands of the east looked a lot different from my last trip there (You know not currently at war with a vengeance god will do that for you), the pier had several steam ships in its bays and workers going to and fro and not being walking corpses (well other than of course being low class workers who are basically doing the same thing everyday forever until they die). One of these helpful gruff customers stopped me as I almost took a dive in the water.

"Not feeling to good sir?" His voice was surpringly softer than his outward gruff appearence.

"Water travel does not agree with me."

"Nor I, funny that I work on the docks right?" I would have laughed if I didn't feel still violently ill. I also might have noticed that my gruff dock worker had a rather large looking pistol stuck in his waistband and his hands which he had retrained me from falling with did not have the same kind of hardening an actual dock workers hands would have had (its funny what you notice AFTER you should have noticed it the first time).

"I think I'll be ok now." I tried to break free from my "saviors" grip when I felt a strange tingle shoot up my back and then a feeling of paralysis.

"I'm sure you will be." I heard him say as I drifted into the ether of whatever he had injected me with was taking me.  Yes I arrived in a new land and was immediately kidnapped, honestly isn't that how my LAST TRIP STARTED? WHAT IS WITH YOU LANDS OF THE EAST?!

No Day Complete Without Throwing Up

I had been wretching for the majority of the day.  Throwing up food I didn't even remember eating. I hate sea travel, primarily because I get so violently ill (also because I hate travel in general, and Sea Travel is one of the worst types).  The boat we were on was at least a steam powered iron vessel and not some wooden sailing piece of crap that would break apart in a storm (unlike the last time I was sailing to the lands of the east!). Telrrax for her part and gotten me a fairly nice cabin that I saw briefly between running to the rail to throw up.  It was a lovely couple of days let me tell you.

"I've always enjoyed sea travel the feel of wind in your face the smell of the ocean, the sound of people who do not like it throwing it up over the rail, its exhilirating." Telrrax had a smile on her face I tried to look unamused, but I'm pretty sure I came off as violently ill.

"Why send me east if you were coming anyway?"

"Because the person who has my object would not give it to me Mr. Lorentino, though I'm not sure he'll give it to you either, it will be an experience either way." I noticed her servant was not with her she seemed to see where my eyes had gone.

"In the cabin resting, he does not like sea travel either though he doesn't get violently ill."

"What is he anyway?"

"A construct of flesh and magic nothing more nothing less."

"Lovely."

"Would it be better if he were a real servant instead of just one animated for my whims? The answer is no, I would think a noted necromancer would not judge others for their magical indulgences."

"Does everyone know I'm a..." At this point I threw up again, damned waves being all wavey.

"Everyone in our particular circles Mr. Lorentino, you don't exactly hide it very well, sure the norms don't clue in, but they never clue in to anything." Have I mentioned how much magical people disdain normal people? Because they really do, norm is one of the nicer terms I've heard.  Especially in the post Guard society where the magical fell out of sorts with the non magical, its easy to hate those who also hate you I guess.

"Cheer up Trezlan the voyage will only last a couple weeks." I threw up again and then said something under my breath towards Telrrax I'm sure she didn't catch but I felt better for saying it.  Like the majority of things in my life it was an exercise in just implying I hated the person rather than their acknowledgement of that hatred.

Nidgeverage

"I don't know how long it'll be, but you owe me so much for so much already Nidget, to be honest this is literally the least you could do." Of course I went to Nidget, its not like I could ask Valrym to run my store or something (well I did actually and his response was not dignified enough for my journal).

"So you're in a bind and you need my help, yet you imply that I owe you this for something you did for me?"

"Several things I've done for you, repeatedly, including fixing a couple mistakes for you!" It wasn't that much to ask of the little dick, but you know he's just got to be an ass about things, its in his nature.

"Sure sure, but you need this now right? So I want a raise!"

"A raise? For what? I don't pay you as it is!" I don't, he wasn't my employee at this time.

"Of course you don't, but you will so I want more than you were planning on offering."

"Well I guess something is better than the nothing I was planning you little disrespectful little git."

"Fantastic!" Nidget is a bit of an idiot, see I just admitted I planned on paying him nothing, so his raise would be getting paid, but I didn't even say how much.

"I'll need you having the shop open from..."

"I know I know, get moving you have a ship to catch I'll take care of everything worry not Trezlan!" Nidget shooed me out of his house and I felt I was going to get screwed over (and I was right) but I had more things to worry about than whatever Nidget was planning. I mean Telrrax was infinitely more scary and more immediate, plus I had to be on a ship for gods knew how long and I hate sea travel (I hate travel in general, sea travel especially).

Slave to Fashion Accessories

"I'm going to forego my usual magical objects? I have no idea what you're talking about and skip right to the, this will cost you."

"And I thank you for not treating me like an idiot or some kind of spy sent here by the guard for I am neither and dislike being treated as such." The tone was acid very nicely worded acid, but acid all the same.

"I'm a reader of people."

"I'll let you keep believing that, what I want Mr. Lorentino is a collar, a slave collar to be precise cast in gold with runic inscriptions." It sounded an odd thing to have, a slave collar made of gold with runes on it, but it wasn't the oddest thing I'd ever heard of.

"Well I'm no jeweler but I'm sure I can find one who can make such a thing."

"No no, not make," She smiled and I could see how white and pointy her teeth were, "Its already been made, I just need you to get it for me." One of those I should have known.

"Let me guess you already know where it is even."

"But of course and I've booked you passage on a local ship that just happens to be going where its located, ship leaves in a couple hours it would probably be best if you get to packing."

"I see you've thought of everything already, and my fee?"

"Will be on delivery of the collar, don't worry Mr. Lorentino you'll be compensated, ta ta pack your things it'll be a long trip." Telrrax left with her man servant in tow.  I was left kind of wondering what had just happened (my normal), and then wondering how I'd keep my store open in my absence, which lead to a dreadful decision I still pay for to this day.  You know also my usual...

The Red Skinned Temptress

"Make sure to get the bag darling I'd hate for anything to scrape." Hate was used in a way here to imply if it did scrape the person failing to account for it would feel the wrath of the person saying not to do it.  I'd been at my shop for a couple days when she came wandering in, dressed more extravagantly than anyone who normally comes into my shop ever does. And her skin was red, it caught my eye more so than her acid laced comment to her muclely helped did.

"I'm not an inn lady." The hulk was carrying a rather large bag that appeared to be luggage and I didn't want them to think I was in the habit of taking in the down trodden recent history excluded of course.

"And I'm not looking for a room Mr. Lorentino but in the abscence of having one I'll have to carry my things until I find one now won't I?" Her accent was that of high society, and seeing as how the Guard didn't really have too much of that she'd obviously been a noble or a nobles wife prior to the Guard's recent governmental take over.

"Apologies my lady people have confused me for one in the past." She looked around at the assorted store shelves and I was suddenly caught aware of how dirty everything looked.

"I can see how that can happen," Sarcasm the weapon of choice for the upper class, "And no need to be so formal, Telrrax will do."

"Is that Lady Telrrax or?"

"Just Telrrax keep this informal." Her companion grunted and she showed a look of displeasure.  Her eyes were yellow, all in all red skin, yellow eyes? She was entirely a different looking person and unlike everyone else who had a weird look to them she was not hiding it.  Oh she also had an extremely weird hair style, spiked up from the center and shaved at the sides, and a piece of elaborate gold jewlery embedded in her lip. So not only was she not hiding she was so far from it, she was flaunting it.

"Well Telrrax what can I do for you today?" To say I was terrified of what she might request was to put things mildly.

"I'm looking for objects that are not legal Mr. Lorentino and I have been informed you are the person who can aquire said objects.  And yes as I feared the red skinned lady was trouble, naturally women always are.  Not to be all "Women are problems" men screw me just as often, but when a woman does it the wound tends to linger long past the injury if you catch my drift.

Emergence Day

There is nothing quite like emerging from a sewer reeking of shit and seeking a place to clean up.  Its like being set free from a prison you didn't know you were in till that point. Sure the shocked gasps from passersbye makes you feel a bit more of a spectacle than you would intend, but you are free from Sewananicus grasp and that is really the more important thing at that particular moment.

Now I should have been concerned with Mordere at this point, but I was not because I WAS FREE! I did manage to find a bathhouse and laundry (thankfully despite not bringing weapons I brought money, because I was in a city and money is the true weapon).  So I was able to get clean and my clothes also cleaned, which is extremely important at all times. Emerging from the laundry clothed and ready to face the trials of my life I returned to my store to find it not burnt to the ground nor surrounded by an angry mob of stupidity. Here is where instead of looking for Mordere I just decided to return to work and ignore that he was ever my problem to begin with.

Look I admitted it there that takes personal responsiblity off me entirely! That's how it works! Its all good in the end Mordere made his court date, I testified it was a valid shooting the judge (a real one not the made up kind the Red Hand used) agreed with the facts and he got his property and standing back (and thus the crowds kept far away).  All in all it was one of those episodes of my life that confirms I lead a really weird existence.

The Conspiracy of Sewers

Who gets lost in a city sewer outside of me? Its not a rare occurence let me tell you, and its getting rather troublesome (sadly its a pattern that still continues to haunt me, as they get larger my ability to get lost in them increases exponentially). You know the funny thing is as lost as I have been in sewers I have never ever run across workers who build or maintain them? THEY DO NOT EXIST! I actually believe sewers are created by a god of getting lost and this belief they help drain water or whatever they do is entirely false. They are winding corridors made of madness and shit and getting lost in them is their end game.  They are specifically a trap to catch me Trezlan Lorentino, and I like a fool keep falling into them.

Sure you say thats madness Trezlan. Then I ask you this! Have you ever explored a sewer? HAVE YOU EVER SEEN WHO MADE IT?! EXACTLY! I know my conspiracy theory is mockworthy, I'll admit for the cowed masses who believe in sewer construction, or that their local city pays for this very thing its hard to accept the truth.  But I ask you kind reader to at least allow the possibility of Sewaninacus the sewer God to enter your mind as the real truth you lie to yourself to not admit to.

So the next time you see a storm grate or run off pipe know that Sewaninacus is there waiting, watching, and all he wants is for you to come down and get lost in his twisting mazes like I do.  I don't really have anything else for today's entry, I just wanted to speak to you of my subterreanean God and I how I unwittingly worship him.  Aren't you just the luckiest little journal reader.

Coincidental Killers

"Halt!" Guards say halt, people in the past say halt, killers in sewers tightly packed some of them standing in water filled with who knows what, should not say halt.  For our part both me and Mordere stopped though we had no reason to.  The killers (and with their dirty looks and assorted rusty weaponry could not be mistaken for anything else) numbered at least ten possibly fifteen (its been a while and you'll see why I don't rember exact numbers).

"Mordere just shoot these guys we're in a sewer its not like anyone will notice."

"Sure I'll shoot them with no pistol." I scowled at him and then realized he didn't actually carry any weapons with him.

"What happened to the pistols at my store?"

"They are at your store I'm not taking something I didn't pay for."

"Are you two finished we have you dead to rights Lorentino, and we mean to get even with you."

"Wait what? You're here for me not him? That's rich!" I was completely flabbergasted that not only were we escaping people wanting to kill Mordere and ran into people trying to kill me, but Mordere managed to find them in the sewers we were lost in! It was absurd.

"Well just give me your pistol and I'll kill them." I had to admire Mordere for completely ignoring people who were intending on killing me him someone?

"I didn't bring it." I want to say he sighed but he did not he just looked at me with a "That makes sense" because to him it did.  I mean we were running away and told specifically not to kill people, why would either of us bring weapons? A bullet wizzed by my head while I contemplated Mordere following Captain Therod's "don't kill anyone" stipulation a bit closer than I would assume anyone would ever follow let alone Mordere.

"LORENTINO YOU WILL PAY ATT Hruk ARARAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" You may be wondering why they stopped talking suddenly, because I set them on fire (I don't need a pistol to kill people is another reason I don't always bring one).  As always when I set things on fire underground in an area filled with waste (because sadly this has happened multiple times) Mordere and I had to immeadiately run because well gas explodes when ignited (which would have been a good reason to NOT set them on fire).  At least Mordere understood the rumbling and moved immeadiately.  Unfortunately this also meant we got seperated and I got lost even more, with the added bonus of the entire sewer smelling like burnt shit and bodies.  Let me tell you its a lovely cocktail of awful.

The Lost Sewers of Totally not Lost

"So I just want to have this straight, you had this tunnel built to your store."

"That's right."

"So you had them connect it to these sewer tunnels under the specific circumstance of moving illicit items from/to your store."

"Yep."

"And yet you have no idea which way leads to a way out of here." We were as you can assume lost.  See I couldn't remember if it was right or left from the start, I chose right, but after an hour underneath the city I was feeling left might have been the better option.  Mordere as you could assume was not exactly pleased with my pathfinding ability.

"If you believe you can find a way out then go ahead!" I meant that as a sarcastic comment and that he'd keep following me, but no he took off in another direction completely on his own! What a jerk, acting like he knew the way even though he did not.  So I ended up following him down some new passageways and past filth and digusting things. We were making good time in getting lost when we ran across a group of people who just happened to be looking for us. Yeah I know, how in the gods name do I wind up under the city with a murderer and just happen to run across people looking for us in the darkness? BECAUSE MY LIFE SUCKS THATS HOW!

At Least This Angry Mob Wasn't Mine

"Honest to gods they have torchs and pitchforks." They were gathered outside my shop (how they knew Mordere was staying with me well thats mobs for you, they have like a supernatural ability to know these things), Captain Therod and a few guard officers were doing their best to hold themb ack, but the mob was large and Therod probably didn't care that much if a Necromancer and an Assassin got killed by a mob.

"You sure they are not here for you?" Mordere had a couple pistols out and loaded sitting on the counter, I would have complained he just made new guns used, but if he fired them I could sell them as special Assassin approved weaponry, think of the profits!

"Yeah mobs for me have more signs with badly spelled words." Tuesdays and Thursdays, no I'm just kidding here, maybe. It was bad enough there was a mob of people, but it was also raining, because thats how these kind of things go naturally.  Therod banged on the door and I opened it, she came inside shaking her soaked over coat all over me like an animal confirming a lot of thoughts I had about her.

"Its getting ugly out there."

"Getting ugly? Did you see those people when they showed up not a looker amongst the bunch." Therod gave me a sour look which caused me to bite back my other reply I was going to make.

"Let them come through the door, a few dead will dissuade the rest from this foolishness." Mordere was not joking, honestly with as much bullets as he had stacked on my counter he looked ready to kill everyone in the crowd should it come to that.

"No you are not shooting your way out of this." He shrugged.

"Ok so he can't shoot his way out of it, and your guards can't hold them back the entire time, what do you want us to do?" I knew the answer before she even said it.

"Get out of here, you have a way out I'm sure, especially one I'm not supposed to know about that you built after the workman finished." I did and she didn't, but now apparently she did? I don't know if someone just guesses that you have something without actually knowing you do, what exactly is that?

"They'll burn down my shop!"

"No one will burn down your shop, I'll tell them you snuck out the back, they'll rush in the back and spend the next few hours looking around like idiots, just stay out of sight."

"I don't understand why I can't kill a couple, no one will miss them and that worked last time this happened," Mordere thought about it for a second, "Actually it didn't I have to hide frequently in Ronerawth, nevermind." And so it went that Mordere and I left my shop huddled in cloaks and into the sewers underneath it (stupid Therod being totally right I had constructed an extra access into the shop from below). The shop did survive, which was good, though for Mordere and I, our journey was just smellyily beginning!

Worst Guest Ever

"Are you going to keep doing that?" I had been reading a book and tapping my fingers, Mordere was reading the Chronicles (the only book I ever saw him read) and looking like he was in a trance.  I guess my finger tapping was getting on his nerves.

"Sorry I didn't realize I was doing it."

"I figured which is why I asked if you were going to keep doing it."

"Does it bother you?"

"Would I be asking if you were going to keep doing it if it made me happy?" You may imply sarcasm, but he literally was asking this question like the answer was not apparent in the question.

"Point taken." This was one of several conversations in which a noted murderer critiqued my lifestyle decisions unfavorably. Outside of these things he was a lovely houseguest, fairly quiet didn't eat too much or smell poorly.  He just read his book and waited.  In a way it was unnerving how calm he was about everything.  Extremely so.

Until a large group of people showed up to murder him I thought it would just be a case of dealing with the worst house guest ever. You'd probably want to know more about that whole murder thing right? Well read the next entry already!

Mr. Mordere If You Please

Jails can be busy places.  I know its surprising to me when I open the door and instead of just seeing Captain Therod cooling her heels and waiting for me to enlighten her whole day, I see a bunch of assholes being moved from/to cells a bunch of people yelling at each other, and a bunch of Guard personell screaming over the yelling so they can be heard.  Its so off putting when I'm incovenciened by them actually having jobs to do. I actually had to wait in line! I was shocked! And then when I got to the head of the line instead of speaking directly with the captain I had to deal with some put upon underling in dark black glasses. Imagine my idignity!

"What do you want?" Basic customer service is a dying art form in government.

"I'm here to provide testimony that could release Valerind Mordere."

"Do we look like a court to you? Now you could post bail money for him, but he still has to have his day in court."

"How much is the bail?" I was incredulous, it was a legit shooting and here they were saying he'd have to be in court? Insult on insult, and I'd have to pay to get him out? Utterly ridiculous (thankfully I still had the kids money, in a way it made me chuckle he'd pay for the man who shot him to get out of jail).  The clerk told me the amount and I paid it.  I was lead back to a large cell area that held a group of people.  Mordere was all alone by a large margin in the community cell, I figured because even grungy criminals can tell the difference between one of their own dumb number and someone who kills people without second thought.

"He has to be in court in a couple days, if he missed the court date your money is forfeit and a bounty will be assigned against him and possibly you if you offered assistance."

"I'll make my day in court thank you very much." Mordere didn't chastise the clerk, just told him matter of factly he'd be where they told him to be. We left the overcrowded jail and Mordere turned to me as soon as were on the way back to my store.

"Thank you for you assistance Mr. Lorentino."

"I don't think you'll get your weapons back until your day in court Mordere, you want to hang out at my store until then?" He had a lot of enemies and without weapons he'd kind of be, well still a murderous murderer, but slightly slowed down.

"Are you afraid I'll get killed?"

"Yeah I don't think I get my money back if you die before the trial."

"Enlightened self interest Mr. Lorentino, I'll take you up on your offer as they also confiscated my funds and I have no room in town. Also its Mr. Mordere if you please, Mordere sounds dreary the way you say it"

And so it came to pass a murderer stayed at my shop so I could try and prevent him from being murdered and get money back from the man he killed.  See how these things work?

Another Satisfied Customer

"I need a gun." Young impossibly young, and stupid, my favorite kind of customer.

"You want a rifle, a shotgun, or a pistol? We don't sell 'guns' here." Gun is another word for penis folks, no I'm not making that up.  If you don't know what a penis is because your some kind of weird asexual creature READ SOME BIOLOGY!

"Uhhhh a pistol!" Did I mention stupid? So stupid. He had blonde hair and couldn't have been much older than getting kicked out of the house age (so for me like fifteen, for real families eighteen).

"Which type of pistol?" I displayed the cheapest varieties I sold (because he looked like he had very little money to his name also a better quality pistol would have been a waste of money on him).

"That one!" He pointed at the only shiny looking one I had deposited on the counter, now I only sell Hanlon guns so they are all decentish, but I did know that particular brand of pistol was more for show than shooting so perfect for my moronic young man.

"I'm not required to ask this, but why are you buying a pistol?"

"Got to kill the man who killed my family!" He deposited a bunch of coins and gems on the counter, a less scrupulous proprieter would have cleaned this young man out, but I'm an honest guy.  You can trust me I mean I'm telling you I'm honest, thats how honest I am!

"Fair enough, just don't run around telling everyone you bought a pistol here ok, wouldn't want my secret getting out." Its not a secret I sell firearms, and its not a secret I sell firearms to idiots, I just didn't want this particular idiot saying he bought one from me when the person he wanted to kill killed him. Not everyone goes after the fire arm dealer, but you never know.

"Right right your secret is safe with me." He looked outside and started to shout, "THATS HIM THATS THE SUM BITCH WHO KILLED MY FAMILY!" I looked outside and saw Valerind Mordere, I hoped there was someone hiding behind him.

"Is he hiding behind the guy with the thin mustache and messed up eye?"

"No thats him I'd know him anywhere, give me bullets all the bullets I'm going to kill him." Never before has a prediction of mine come so true, like I figured this kid was dead, I didn't figure he'd do it before my very eyes.  But I was a merchant first and a person way way last (sue me) so I supplied him with bullets and he went outside.  I didn't hear the conversation, I didn't need to, the kid said something Mordere did an about face (as he had walked away to the point that the kid had his back) and put a bullet right between the kid's eyes.  Nearby people decended on the body immeadiately and I happened to notice the kid didn't pick up his money which was still on my counter (he was in such a hurry to get out and die). So despite not wanting to take him for all he was worth I managed to do so completely by accident (I have the luck of no one, I have horrible luck the universe owes me a lot more than some idiots pocket change YOU HEAR ME UNIVERSE!)  I was at least polite enough to set aside some of his money for a decent grave for the young man (because if no one pays your funeral cost you get tossed out for creatures of the wild to eat).

Mordere did get arrested, but for his part he didn't leave the sign of the shooting instead he waited for a member of the Guard and held his hands out for the arrest.  I sighed because I knew that meant I'd have to go on down to the jail and bail him out because I doubted anyone else saw the shooting or knew why it was and Mordere was the kind of guy to not explain his side nor care.  Stupid people expecting me to do the right thing all the time! Its damn exhausting!

And Now Your Not So Epic Conclusion

"Here's the money back plus interest." Travania was in front of me, wearing a rather striking purple coat floor length. I guess the best illusion is hiding in plain sight.

"One second let me get your ring." I had to uninscribe the runes and open the lock, I half expected Nidget to have stolen it in the mean time, but thankfully it was still right where I left it.

"Not going to count the money?"

"Should I? No the answer is no, you either paid the full amount or I'll find out later and kill you simple as that." I make this threat all the time, never had to carry it out, yet, never say never folks!

"I hear you've been asking about me, could have just asked me." I was moving the money into my safe when I turned back to Travania and smiled.

"That's the easy way, thats not my way."

"So I've heard." Which implied he checked up on me without asking me about it. I swears its what people do in this world.  Most arguments could be fixed if two people just talked to each other, but who wants to do that!

"Tell Mr. Pavarossi I said hello."

"I won't do that, guy's a time waster, he'll be lucky if I don't find him and murder him later."

"So you'll pass my message along then?" I hate when people imply that despite what I say I'll end up doing what they want.  Because its true and thats obnoxious.

"Is there anything else you want in the mean time? I have some lovely necklaces that I can assure you were crafted and not stolen."

"Tempting but some other time the money to pay you back was about all I had."

"I hope you didn't steal it."

"Would it matter if I did?"

"Not in the slightest." I'd like to say he smiled but all I could see was his eyes, so I'll think he implied he smiled.  I still didn't know exactly what he was other than scary strong and somehow magical, but that was enough for me (I put him in the category of avoid unless not possible, a list that includes EVERYONE!) Thankfully for me Travania is a man of mysterious means and so he came and went as he pleased, and how he pleased was not near me at all.

Unfortunately one of my other avoid at all costs (no not Nidget) showed up in his place, because thats how this stuff always tends to go.

Nidget Lord of Wasting my Time

"You can see why that ring is actually mine." It had been a couple hours for him to tell this story and I felt well bored for one, and then angry for another.

"So I asked you who Travania really is, and the best you can tell me is he's all scarred up and he may have been a slave to the Red Hand at one point maybe." I tried to keep my anger not like really shown on my face, but you know its really hard to do that WHEN YOU ARE SO ANGRY!

"Well I was mainly trying to establish why you should just give me that ring."

"NIDGET I'M SO ANGRY WITH YOU RIGHT NOW THIS IS MY REALLY ANGRY VOICE!"

"Well then get out!" He threw me out, well more pointed toward the door and in my rage I left. I should have known that Nidget would just waste my time. ITS WHAT HE DOES (well that and try and get my killed repeatedly). So I stormed out of the slum he lives in, went back to my shop and totally did not pout. There was not pouting.

Ok maybe some pouting, but damn it I earned some pouting. I realize I then inflicted his story on you poor journal for days at a time, but I SPREAD MISERY AROUND TO FEEL BETTER!  See thats my big secret.  Whew I feel better now, think I'll have a sandwhich and continue hating Nidget.

Final Finale of Finalness

"TRAVANIA!" The doors were opened for all of a second before the voice boomed from within.  He was the one who had laid a trap for Travania to begin with, some kind of magical muckety muck.  I could tell from how he was dressed he was a former Red Hand judge, which was not a smart way to dress when your side just lost a war, but thats how dumb people are. For his part Travania just opened fire, the bullets slammed into some kind of energy shield, but he didn't exactly want to talk this one out.

"Lucas you son of a bitch." Travania charged forward and the energy shield that had blocked his bullets blew him backwards into a wall. He crumpled upon crashing into a dresser, so I guess his charge in method of combat not the smartest move.

"And you my little one I'm to understand you're the reason Travania is freed? It makes no matter to me, I broke him once, I can break him again, you on the other hand are useless to me." Magical people always think they are the strongest people ever.  You guys think that you run the world and the rest of us are but insects to you.  So when Lucas the magical moron tried to electrocute me I just stepped out of the way.  His bolt of electricity handidly missed me, hit a mirror and electrocuted him instead. He hit the ground convulsing and I strolled up and slit his throat. Problem solved.

Travania came to about an hour later, we looted the place (the ring you got came from Lucas's dead hand) and left.  I made a decent profit off the proceeds, all in all it was a decent day's work. And so you can see...

I return to my regular entry tomorrow.  Yes technically today is not the actual finale. DEAL WITH IT!

House of the Soon to be Dead

"I hope you know what you're doing." I was standing on Travania's shoulders to get at his shackles, his sense of annoyance was easy to understand.

"You know for all the talks of the great magical canceling abilities of shackles," Click the lock was popped and I tumbled to the floor with grace, "They are some of the easiest locks to pick, I swear its like they assume magical people without magic are completetly lost."

Travania freed from the chains stretched a bit and the sound of bones cracking was pretty loud.  I did mention his body was scarred up before, but I failed to explain its not a little bit of scarring. The majority of his torso is covered in burns (with what appeared to be runes carved into the burned flesh) it was actually difficult to make out the normal features of a persons torso he was so marked.  His arms were also the same way, whatever had been done to him had made him stronger, but at a very large cost.

He didn't wait around in the dank basement, he moved with beastly speed and flat out kicked his way through the iron door that seperated the basement from the main house above it. The kick was of such force it threw the door into the man standing guard beyond it and splattered him against the stone wall he was standing next to (rough check out). Travania took the rifle the man left behind and made his way upstairs where he immediately opened fire (reckless to be sure they hadn't even fixed the door yet, thankfully the Guard isn't the best at actually policing things, even worse so back then). I was a bit slower than he was so all I got to see was the aftermath, lots of bodies, lots of blood, and Travania on the hunt for the man who had enslaved him.  It all lead up to a door inscribed with a bunch of nasty runes and a fairly complicated lock for once.

"Mr. Pavarosi if you would." I hesistated if only for a small moment, because frankly I didn't know what was beyond the door, or what Travania would do once I was done, but seeing as what he had just done, well it wasn't the hardest decision I ever made. The lock unfortunately was not as easy as the earlier ones and so it took me a great deal longer to open, during which I had to deal with Travania pacing behind me in a way that made opening the lock even harder. I had kind of hoped when I opened it the room would be empty alas that was not to be naturally.

What was inside? Well you'll have to wait till the next entry!

All Shackled Up

I should have just left.  I mean I didn't know Travania and the people who captured him had a lot of guns and their leader was some kind of magical dude. I didn't hear the conversation because I had to pretend I was just some passerby, but I did definitely see Travania get shocked by some kind of magical jolt and drop to the ground.  From there they had him locked up and drug into the basement, no one is every locked up in the attic, its always the basement.

Still he was my pay day and pay days locked up are not much for cashing out.  And so I scouted the building to find an entry and try and assist the monster that called itself Travania. There was of course a window inside with some bars that were easily displaced (people put those things in never remembering that time and weather ruin the holding thus negating them as useful).  A quick lock flip and I was inside.  The basement could have used a house keeper, and a new builder. There was standing water, looked like pest remains, oh and a fairly large scarred up guy in a mask chained to the wall with magical shackles.

"Mr. Pavarosi what kept you?"

"Had to wait for them leave to you be before I could get you, don't think you could get out the way I got in."

"Of course I'm not leaving, I plan on killing everyone up stairs, painfully."

"Well I guess that's one way out."

Not my preferred way of leaving mind you.  I much rather prefer just working my problems out by talking. You know unlike the huge pile of bodies I've left in my wake don't attest to.

Betray My Heart

"So what are you?" We had been walking at a sprint (well sprint for me, he just walked briskly such is the nature of you talls) I figured if I was working with a creature I'd want to know what kind.

"A man." I laughed, but I don't think Travania found it very funny.

"Right of course a man who's face is entirely obscured and you have red eyes, some man."

"I'm as much a man as you are Mr. Pavarosi." And what if I was a sprite? Than I bet he'd feel pretty stupid. We arrived at a large brick house, it had been constructed well before the war and looks to have survived it quite well. There weren't people walking around near it, and I noticed we had briskly walked to a completely empty part of the city.  I did notice the door a heavy iron type that would not budge easily.

"Time for you to show your skills Mr. Pavarosi." Picking a lock is like seducing a woman (so something you have no experience in at all in either aspect Trezlan). You have your introductory to the lock, you have to ply it with small advances and then when you think you've got it there is always a set back, but eventually with persistence you can break past its defenses and get to the treasure it keeps. This lock wasn't that difficult at all, in fact it seemed the door was mostly visually to keep people out, the lock behind it no more complicated than anyones front door, I had it open in under a minute.

"And that is why I'm the best."

"You certainly showed your worth Mr. Pavarosi now stand back." He knocked the door off its hinges with a solid stomp of his foot, thereby negating my impressive show.

"Well now I feel pointless." Travania didn't even notice my comment he was over the door and into the meeting room beyond it, where a large squad of men with guns awaited him.

"Travania its nice of you to stop by." On the one hand I hadn't come into the home so they didn't see me, on the other hand I was under the impresion Travania would pay me so I was looking to be without a meal ticket. A crap crappy part of any day.

Did Nidget live? Why were men waiting for Travania? Well you know the answer to the first question, as for the second... The next entry dear reader!

Call Me Travania

The following story will be presented in the first person as dictated by Nidget because thats kind of how Nidget told it to me and I feel its best to do that to keep the integrity to it.  Though absent will be my constant interruptions and questions about what really happened (what can I say, I listen poorly). Nidget's lines will be in red, because I've looked at earlier entries AND NOTICED HE WROTE IN MY DAMN JOURNAL IN RED YOU LITTLE BASTARD!  Ok got that out of my system, and onward.

This was after the war, right around the time you were probably about to be executed or killed by a weird creature or whatever. I will admit I was a bit harder on my luck than I currently am and so I was trying hard to find work wherever I could, Andre was with the Followers during this period as they had reformation issues they were working through and he felt it best to be with them. Which was great for Andre, but left me up shit creek with regards to not having any back up on any of my plays. So I'll admit I relied on conning people out of some coin for a veteran of the war, which is easier than you'd expect it to be really.

It was during these cons I came across Travania.  He looks now like he did back then.  Full on face mask, crazy eyes, huge hooded cloak.  I approached him at first not noticing the face mask and thought he was just a regular rich guy who liked a big ole fancy cloak, when he lifted me up off the ground an looked at me with his crazy eyes I was suddenly horrifyingly aware I was in a dark alley with what looked like a beast in huma clothing.

"Shorty, they don't take your kind in the army." He always talked briskly, like he had somewhere else to go even when he did not.

"I was a drummer." I was struggling to find my feet, I had my hidden blade, but I really didn't want to try and piss off this beast man. I don't want to say he smiled, because I couldn't see it, but he visibly relaxed.

"They also didn't have drummers, but I understand a shorty has to do what he does to get by, right?" He set me down, I wanted to flee, but I was intrigued by him.

"You have the right of it."

"And what are you by trade when you aren't a conman little one?"

"A thief."

"So you know how to open a lock that doesn't want to open?" He seemed to be considering a proprosal, and I had nothing else at this point.

"Several."

"Well then I might have need for a veteran like yourself Mr.?"

"Pavarosi, and you are?"

"Call me Travania."

"Is that a Mr. Or..."

"Just Travania, come Mr. Pavarosi being alone in the street is a conspiracy we can not afford to be having." And with that I followed after the creepy beast creature that had previously lifted me off the ground. Honestly Travania despite his monstrous appeareance was one of the nice people I've ever dealt with. He's still a monster mind you, but he was a really nice one!

And that's where I'll leave Nidgets story for the day, on the fact that Travania is a monster, but a really nice one.  Because that makes sense.

Nidget the Explainer

"You tried everyone you knew and now you're finally coming to the one guy who had all the answers to begin with?"

"I hate you so much Nidget."

"I'll take that as a yes." I was at Nidget's hovel seated in one of his normal sized chairs (I assumed one of Andres). Nidget was seated across from me in a chair that looked like it was made for a child, he was sipping some form of tea part of some afternoon ritual.

"Just tell me who Travania is so I can stop worrying."

"And ruin all my fun."

"Do you want me to take it from you Nidget, because I can do that." My implied threat was kind of hollow, kind of, I did think about ripping his soul from his body on multiple occaisions, but that was just my usual.

"Ok ok, gods you always go the creepiest route with every thing."

"Its who I am, its how I've lived as long as I have."

"It's what makes you a dick, Ok ok so Travania..." And tomorrow I'll get into who the mysterious bearer of the ring was.  Yep dragging this out like everything else, because I'm nice like that.

Valrym's "Help"

"So you want me to tell you, what I know about this guy named Travania because you bought something from him and you are worried its something bad for you."  Valrym was putting away supplies from a cart, I was doing my best to avoid any menial labor.

"Yes." He laughed.

"Right because we have such a great working relationship." He continued putting boxes away, I figured it was part of his annoyance that I wasn't helping him.

"Look if this is about to explode in our faces I want to know!"

"Our faces? Last I heard the last mistake was purely you and Nidgets, I want no part of this one." How everyone seems to know about my mistakes is beyond me.  I tell you its like there is some kind Trezlan Newsletter that goes around giving updates on ways I messed up.

"So he is dangerous?"

"I didn't say, frankly never heard of the guy, and I don't want to, you're on your own with this one Trezlan, try not to kill everyone ok." He slammed the door shut behind him and I scowled.  It appeared Nidget was the only one who knew about Travania and I had to ask the little bastard what he knew.  I know you're asking yourself "Why not just ask the guy himself?" Because that would be successful and thats not what I do damn it.

Travania'd Around

"Captain Therod a moment of your time." She was in her office, a cramped little desk near a lot of currently unoccupied jail cells (the one thing the Guard seemed really good at was making sure there were enough jail cells).

"Mr. Lorentino, I know that you think I have nothing to do, but I'm very busy keeping my records up to date, so unless you are about to kill everyone in the district I really can't spare a lot of time." She had a ledger out and was going through it line by line, I hate paperwork, I can only imagine its worse for someone who has to manage criminals.

"I need to know about a guy named Travania."

"Did he do something?"

"I don't know, maybe? He sold me something and I want to know about him." She looked up when I said sold me something.

"You think it was stolen? Was it a set of Medical Journals I just had a report about those being stolen."

"No its not medical journals, I don't think it was stolen, but I'm just leery."

"After the last thing you bought almost killed us all? I can't imagine why." Her sarcam stung, stung so badly.

"Look do you know about this Travania guy or not?"

"Yes I do know of him, no I do not know him to be a thief or peddler of cursed objects, there satisfied willing to go bother someone else?"

"Not satisfied but I can clearly see you are not able to help me, some Captain of the Guard you are!"

"I'll make sure to fully respect an ousted traitor to the Ronerawth government next time you swing in Lorentino." I didn't stay to protest how she labeled me a traitor (I'm a patriot damn it!) or how she even knew about that.  Cursed rumor mongering! I had another stop to make though I doubted Valrym liked me anymore than Therod, at least he sort of kind of owed me a little bit, somewhat.  I just want to repeat that I think Therod is a jerk and I hope that she doesn't expect my vote for Guard Captain should the position go up for a vote!

The Lost Art of Subtlety

"So I hear you have something very interesting for sale." Nidget hadn't even waited a damn day from when I'd gotten the ring from Travania before he was already implying he'd steal it from me.  I tell you its almost like Nidget isn't even my real friend.

"Several things, including this bone," I presented the bone it was human, I thought didn't know for sure, "I've heard this can ward off evil spirits, yet you are here so it must not be that good."

"Not some stupid bone Trezlan, the ring."

"Ring? I've got several, even got an engagement ring recently jilted lover very sad story, but a pretty ring, could cut you a deal." I was playing dumb, because tell you the truth was a little creeped out Nidget already knew I had it.

"Travania's ring Trezlan, how much?"

"It's not for sale and I'm really put off by how you know that I have it, its not cursed is it?" Everything is cursed, I've even seen an cursed outhouse, though that was probably just the result of bad cooking.

"No its not cursed, and I know he must have sold that ring because I know he's on hard times and he saw you, the ring is the only thing you would have bought from him, so how much you want for it?" Nidget seemed a little obsessed about getting what just looked like a shiny moderately expensive bauble.

"Nothing, at least not yet the Ring is in pawn he's got a month to pay it off."

"You know I was with him when he got that, so part of it is mine, so maybe you should..."

"Leave my store before you find out what burning alive feels like." I was forceful with Nidget, like a bad animal you have to be.  He looked at me with a squint and made his way out of the store.  I was now more interested in the ring since Nidget was, and also this Travania fellow.  I knew exactly zero about him, but I did know someone who would know more, unfortunately the good Captain and I weren't on great terms and of course she still held a grudge from the last time I almost killed everyone in the city.  I tell you some people!

Abnormally Weird

"You'll want to buy this." He was of course a weird looking guy, but even for me he was weird looking (which is saying something). He was cloaked, and masked, I could barely see his eyes but they were scary looking as well.

"I have a bad history with buying objects as of late." It looked like a normal ring, well normal except for the gigantic stone set in the middle of it, but nothing really weird inscribed on it, didn't have the feeling of hidden power or anything, just seemed like someones really pretty jewelery.  I was immeadiately suspicious (and not just because the guy trying to sell it looked like he came directly out of someones nightmare).

"I can cut you a good deal this ring is not stolen, I just fell on some hard times, in fact you don't even have to fully buy it, I can pawn it to you if you'd like." I don't like doing pawns, because well most of the time the stuff I have is stolen (I'm just being honest) and when the actual owners comes in and sees me selling something they had stolen, well I know I'm not getting my money back.  Much easier to flat out buy things and then sell them on the downlow as opposed to them being out in the open.

"Ok against my better judgement I'll take this pawn, you have a month to come back with my money plus interest or..."

"I know the deal thank you Mr. Lorentino I'll be back with your money."

"Whew."

"What?"

"I thought you were going to say you'd be back with what I'm owed and that would have scared me." He chuckled, but again he was seriously weird looking guy could have been any number of horrible nightmares.

"What will you do with the ring?"

"It'll go into a lockbox when you don't pay out, it hits the shelves, no mercy Mr. ?"

"Travania."

"You'll have to spell that." Now you know how I knew how it was spelled.

"I'll see you in a month Mr. Lorentino." He left, I felt a chill leave my store with him, though that could have just been an open window or a crack in something (look the construction of my store left a lot be desired). I looked at the ring briefly and then put it in my lock box and urged some magic into the runes guarding it (there is nothing I take for granted in this world, least of all actual money) and then forgot about it.  That's what it means to be a shop owner in my world, prepare for the worst, expect worse than that.  Wait thats what it means to be me in this world, I always get those two confused.

The Hours of The Day Go Round and Round

"So then I jumped off the top of the creatures mouth and lept straight into its gullet." I was at Valrym's Tavern, he was glowering at me from his position at the bar, but I was seated at a booth with Nidget and Andre and it was busy enough he could only just stare in dissapproval instead of being vocal about it.

"And you allowed this?" I had directed my question at Andre, he just shrugged his shoulders and continued drinking.

"So as I was saying, right down its throat I went!" Nidget and Andre had had a little trip of their own while I was out of town, I didn't share my story (partially because it dealt with Andre's church, partially because despite this lengthy journal sometimes I don't like telling people everything I do!)

"Sadly you appear to be no worse the wear." I finished my beer and Andre chuckled. Nidget gave me a nasty glare but continued on with his ridiculous story about slaying some kind of creature (as if you can kill something from the inside out...) As boring as the story turned out to be it was nice to be with people who talk with humor in their voice and who don't blatantly murder people without so much as looking at them twice (I mean we are all murderers don't get me wrong, we just aren't like Mordere). It was that return to normalcy that I appreciated.  Like everything else in my life things don't stay the same for a long time, and so I take what I can get before things go to shit again as they always do.

So I drank my beer and listened to Nidget's stories and thought if that night could go on for a couple weeks I'd appreciate it, but no things like that never happen.  Torture lasts forever, good times? They are but a leaf on the wind.

When The Ancient Comes Around

I'll admit this whole sleeping outside thing hadn't been working out for me recently.  I mean sure the coffee wake up with an assassin shoving a gun in my face was tolerable, but this getting drug into a cave to have my life force drained from me? Unacceptable. So needless to say before I drifted off to sleep I set up runes that would have stopped a god (well in theory I've never tested my runes versus a god yet). So it wasn't a big surprise that I was awoken by a creature that had tripped my rune.  It was a bit of a surprise when I saw the creature.

It was at first glance a woman.  Completely naked, though naked hear meaning wearing no clothes not that she had that many "womanly" features, there were the appearance of breasts but no female gentalia. Her "skin" was a bright green that was torn in some places revealing an oozing blackness behind it. She had no eyes or nose, but there was a mouth, her hair appeared to be some kind of twisted vines. From her labored breathing she looked to be dying, but not from my Runes.

"You killed us." The voice was like a whisper, which again spoke to the dying aspect her body showed.

"I did?" I admit I've killed a lot of things, so its not a huge surprise when people accuse me of having killed them, but I do get a bit mystified when things say that while they are still alive.

"You burned the body, you destroyed us, and we sought you for revenge, we have nothing left now, your trickery having hurt us again." The plant creature, or what remained of it, have to say that inside of it? Was a woman, very very creepy.

"You tried to kill me, I don't take kindly to that." I thumbed the leather strap holding my revolver in place off, I didn't know what was left of this creature after my rune had hurt it, but I wasn't taking any chances.
"We were ancient, you but a bug, no more than food for the form, food should not fight back against its master." I drew down and blasted her, black blood erupted from where the gun shots hit, a hissing sizzle filled my ears as the blood hit the ground and marked it. My horse now apparently just aware of there being something in our camp (useless creature) startled and let out a noise.

"Ancient creatures should learn to leave Trezlan Lorentino alone." The creature was dead but I had the line and I was going to use it damn it! I spit on the body. It oozed and the ground around it was becoming blackened and smelled foul the longer it decayed. Which made my decision for me about leaving early.  It wasn't like I wanted to stick around anyway.

And so my strange journey that started out by trying to help an assassin and ended up with me killing an ancient plant creature came to a close. I made Rosetia again with little trouble and I was very happy to see my shop had not burned down (there were some angry requests from patrons nailed to the door, but even those were welcomed).  I have to say I was glad my traveling was over for a bit, as I always am because it meant I could have some more time to screw up things locally!

Planted

I stumbled from the cave of reeking burning death into the cave of slightly less nasty smells (unfortunatley it was the only exit for the burning remains, so it too smelled awful). The cave was narrow and had a low ceiling but thankfully I was hunched over from being weak and trying to avoid the stench so I didn't hit my head on anything.  I was thinking at least I'd dealt with the plant creature stupidly until I exited the cave into a larger really wide open cave that had the bulk of it still (I should have known there was more of the damn thing since I hadn't seen the additional sucker helpers in my section of the cave, but I was tired and nautious from fumes!)

The creature was huge, just a large mulching cylinder of sucker tentacles and spikes.  I didn't see eyes, but as a plant I don't know if plants have eyes? I did see hundreds of dried out corpses lining the walls, tenatcles still sucking what little life they might have had left. Next to the creature itself was a sort of pit with a blackish fluid, in the fluid were bones that appeared to be in different states of decay.  Whatever else I could say of the creature it at least appeared to be thrifty with the bodies of its victims.

I thought for a moment I'd just let it go.  Let it keep mulching things and I'd move on with my life, but before I could even start on my way out of the stupid cave tentacles detached from dehydrated bodies and started to make their way towards me, which was not what I wanted. Ordinarily I'd just burn them, slice them, or run away from them (look I'll admit sometimes bit of a coward... I know you totally didn't ever see that before).  But instead I didn't have a fight or flight response, I had a "Oh crap oh crap oh crap" panic and stay in place response. Humoursly this lead to the tentacles all crashing into each other instead of attacking me (ha take that plant creature!). I took a guess and launched a small bit of fire (my super big display earlier on top of being weak put me way way to close to corruption town) at the pool of black goo underneath the plant and it ignited like the combustible fuel it had to have been (anything that can melt bone is most likely going to be flammable, most likely I mean there can always be some weird melty thing that is not susceptible to fire, but I doubt that).

The tentacles writhed in the burning agony and I made my way out of the huge cave as fast as my weakened body could carry me.  I realized someone in there might have still been alive and I just left them to die to smoke inhilation, but I've said multiple times I'm a terrible terrible person.  I did find my gear amongst a huge treasure trove of supplies near the mouth of the cave (from the looks of it the plant had been around a long time, I didn't take anything... that wasn't money I stole the crap out of the money). I was still pretty weak upon leaving the now smoking cave, but thankfully my horse had been left to graze there (probably for another meal for the plant creature at some point).  I mounted my steed and with considerable effort managed to leave the general area before finding a wooded area and passed out.  I still smelled awful, and felt worse, but I was alive and the plant creature was dead, well mostly... Look I have to leave you something to read tomorrow don't I?