Relative To Nothing

I had lied to Trezlan. I know completely out of form for me to lie to a murderous necromancer who has extended his life at the expense of others, but I'm coming clean now. It was not a serious lie, nothing like he tells other people when he explains his motives, but it was a lie. I had known of my extended family in Coriena for some time, having gotten letters and updates from them in the past. So when the opportunity to run away from a war with Trezlan popped up I took it so that I could avoid one conflict for another. Well that and I had never stolen something from the lands of the east and I figured this would be a good opportunity. I found my aunt's house with little difficulty, partly because shorties the world over live in the same kinds of places, and partly because Pavorossi's the world over live in very similar houses. I heard her screaming long before I came to the door, I made sure to take the grime off my shoes before coming inside because I could hear her yelling to someone they had failed this task. With a bit of fear I knocked at the door.

"Who are you?" My aunt was taller than me by at least three inches, she had long flowing red hair that almost scraped on the ground, she was dressed in an apron and had one small child under her arm who was trying to squirm away.

"Nidget Pavorossi m'am I'm your nephew." She gave me an appraising look like I do to every beggar who has ever come knocking on my door.

"Well you look like a Pavorossi, but that could just mean you put some red in your hair and some dirt on your face." She disappeared for a moment and returned with manacles and promptly slapped them on my wrists, "Get out of these and we'll see if you are one of my kin."

"M'am this is hardly a nice thing to do to your nephew." I shed the manacles with ease, they weren't exactly complicated devices.

"NIDGET!" She rushed forward to hug me and in the process let go of the squirming child and he scampered back into the house.

"Nice to see you too Aunt Jayra."

"Come in come in you couldn't have come at a better time." She ushered me into the house and not soon after I was involved in stealing something rather large. What can I say Pavorossi's are all thieves, its what we do.

Coriena City of Opportunity

"I'm terrified you're thought of as a god here Trezlan." Nidget was so happy for me, his jealousy was dripping from every word. We had moved beyond the docks and into the city proper, it was well built and fairly industrial, in a way it reminded me of Ronerawth (and it should since it was one of their projects).

"Well not the god of gods, just a god, more of a cult really, technically open worship is against the law, but since trying to squash a cult is very difficult they kind of just look the other way while people worship me, its great." Well it was great, we'll get to why it isn't a little bit later.

"And you know this despite never really leaving your continent how?"

"I get mail occasionally from followers over here requesting my wisdom."

"You have got to be joking."

"Nidget I never joke about myself being awesome, can't you just appreciate we're in a city not currently being exploded avoiding a war full of all those explosions?"

"No, because you're here and thats never a good thing."

"You wound me Nidget, you wound me."

"You know I was thinking about it I believe I have family in town here Trezlan, I recall getting a letter from an aunt or something." We had moved beyond the industrial parts and into a market place, Nidget started looking at streets and I started looking for well, cons to work out. We stopped outside of what appeared to be a bread shop.

"So meet back here in a week with grand stories of how we'll never return home?"

"Sure Trezlan I'm sure by then you'll be pursued by at least two different groups wanting to kill you."

"Oh ye of little faith Nidget." And so Nidget and I went our seperate ways. Me I was looking for my cult and a way to establish myself over here. He was looking for some family for some reason? I tell you its almost like he's not that committed to ripping people off! I guess stealing from people involves less emotional involvement, but where's the fun in that? The next entry will be a bit weird, because it'll be Nidget who writes it based on finding his relatives. Mine will be the one after etc etc. See thats the benefit of writing these things in the future I already know how things turn out before you do! Its awesome, well unless of course you're some me in the past through some weird quirk of time travel, than it will be considerably less awesome.

On Being a Good Cult God

"No Refugees wanted." That's what the sign said on the dirty docks of the port city of Coriena (sounds like the start of a song, its not the start of a song). The steam ship Nidget and I had arrived on with several hundred other refugees had also locked their ramp to get back on (because they too after taking our money to get to Coriena didn't want to let us get back on board and hope for a new port of call). I could see outside of our group of unwashed masses there was a rather large gathering of other war refugees in various states of dirty and wounded (some were even dead, that is how little the dock workers of Coriena the "jewel of the east" cared).

"Well that's that Trezlan I think we're pretty boned."

"Boned? Nidget that's so uncouth your rough language will not be welcome inside the city walls."

"You can read the sign can't you Trezlan, you can read right? You aren't writing a journal in some kind of insanity language only you understand?" We were walking and talking, our goal one of the guards up ahead. I had a plan to get into the city, because of course I did.

"Nidget please just stand right here and let me sort this out with a guard." He gave me a sour look, but did exactly as ordered and stood next to a family of four (he kind of looked like one of their freakishly aged sons to be honest). I approached one of the guards "holding the line" he looked particularly bored to be perfectly honest, but then again if my job was to keep riff raff out of my city I'd look bored as well.

"Stay back scum." Scum was so impolite.

"Is that anyway to treat your master young one." He looked at me like I'd just shit on his shoe, and then something dawned on him, like he had looked past me until just then and recognized who I was and what I represented.

"I'm sorry, I just didn't."

"Shhhh shhh don't worry, my associate and myself are going to enter the city now, that won't be an issue will it?"

"No sir, no issue at all." I waved Nidget toward myself and the guard resumed his post, no one else on the line questioned it at all. Nidget didn't say anything until we were successfully in Coriena.

"What kind of horrible mind trick did you use on that young guard?"

"I didn't use a mind trick, I noticed he was wearing a pendant with my exagerated visage, I'm a god here you know."

"I'm so much more terrified than I was before Trezlan you don't even know."

"Oh Nidget, oh ye of being you." And so Nidget Pavorossi and Trezlan Lorentino came to the city of Coriena. And of course the city was totally richer for our presence!

Morality? More Like Lessality.

"You ever think we are really bad people?" Nidget and I had escaped Valrym's bar's basement and gotten past the mortar line (because we're resourceful like that, also no one cares about two idiots running away, I probably confused more people coming into the warzone than I ever did leaving it) we were riding hard to anywhere but where we were because we are shitty people.

"I don't think that Nidget I know it, we are terrible people, trust me I've been around and we are selfish assholish small minded jerks who think nothing of other people and only help others when it suits us specifically."

"Wow that's so spot on it hurts."

"And the best part is, it doesn't matter we are dicks! The world is made up of dicks, morality is just what the lesser morons who can't do what we do try and enforce on the rest of us.  See you are feeling bad for being liberated Nidget! You shouldn't feel bad, you should feel free, because that's what we are, we are free to be the biggest assholes around because we acknowledge that's exactly what we are." We were riding to a port (any port really, but this was the eastern port for those who want to know), because the best way to ride out a war is to be not in country for it. And the lands of the east were nice this time of year. Not really, but you know better than war.

"And right back to being completely delusional Trezlan you are so nice when you are easy to understand."

"You should be nicer to me, I'm buying your ticket out of here."

"What would you do shove me in a trunk instead?"

"Don't tempt me Nidget." I didn't shove him into a trunk, but I thought about it. Still I thought my belief was proper, I mean it made sense to me anyway. And since I'm an admitted selfish dick, that meant it was the only result anyone should pay attention to. SO THERE! Anyway we got on a ship and went to the lands of the east, and that's where things got complicated... ish. Ok mostly just complicated.

And So My Journey of Enlightenment Ended

"So I had to get out the way I came in, which meant all over the broken traps that were even more deadly this time, up the frozen ass breaking slope, and down the forever chilled mountain, but I did all of that to return to you guys." Rosettia was getting shelled, the opposition (more of an internal war than anything) had decided they really wanted a river port, and the Guard decided that was not in their best interest. So that meant the town was getting blown up by assholes with mortars (supplied by Hanlon, because never miss a good war!). I was hiding out with Valrym and Nidget, Andre and his order were out fighting somewhere, the three of us not so much.

"I feel so much better you're here Trezlan, you really complete us." Nidget was so nice to me.

"Oh yeah he's a picture of responsible kindness, just like his employer who supplied this revolution. Somewhere I'm sure Trezlan you are behind this." Valrym considerably less so

"I did not cause this particular war thank you very much, I just had a revolution in Lork, so I'm tapped out for causing conflicts the world over." Valrym's bar was the best place to hole up thanks to a really deep basement (shocking from an earth Godling to dig such a deep basement I know).

"Guys I think you are missing the bigger point at this point." Nidget ever the diplomat.

"Which is?" Valrym as always can't see the forest from the trees

"How can we possibly make a profit in the midst of all this chaos of course."

"Right Trezlan how can we make money in the midst of a war zone. No you idiot, how can we get out of town until this all dies down." Valrym sighed.

"You two only think of saving yourselves, its a shame humanity has its head so far up its own ass."

"Oh I'm sorry former war instrument of the gods, what should we do instead establish peace between two warring factions? Or run away and hope they kind of work it out?"

"I like the running away option myself."

"As so I Nidget, as do I."

"You're both hopeless one of these days your decisions will catch up to you both."

"Well I'm sure Nidget will get killed by something stupid he did eventually, but me? I'm good for a long time Val, even more so after what I did recently." Expecting me or Nidget to feel bad about our life choices was a losing effort, so Val just quieted down and Nidget and I tried to hatch a plan about how to get out of his basement, and away from all the explosions.  Thankfully an opportunity was about to present itself shortly! That will be the next entry naturally.

No No That's Not Creepy At All

"So that's the Treasure?" The old man had explained to me his grand plan and I'll admit IT WAS CRAZY BEYOND WORDS! Let me explain. The old man was another child of a god like Valrym (because apparently the gods love to have children they discard all over the damn world like so many toys), he had at one point been associated with the god of wisdom (wonder why my world is filled with unwise decisions? yeah the god of wisdom is dead shocking I know). He was supposed to fill the world with knowledge and learning and all the rest of it. Turns out that's kind of boring, so what he did instead was build this trap trove of hellacious horrible, because he's a freaking mass murderer (remember how I said it felt like a killing jar? yeah because it is). So the Treasure as it were, was his vast amounts of knowledge, that he had written down on scrolls for decades. Which would at least kind of be something? If his hand writing WASN'T FREAKING HORRIBLE! Everything was in a chicken scratch of illegibility, making trying to understand his "wisdom" a task in and of itself. Like I think I'd have to spend as much time trying to read his garbage as he had spent writing it, and based on his level of crazy I don't think I'd learn anything, other than a great recipe for human (yeah he had become a cannibal, or had started to eat people, really is a godling enough of a person to consider when they start eating people cannibilism? The questions I'm left with). So all of that to say I was not pleased with his gift.

"This is the sum equivelent of my life's work, I have to admit I never really expected anyone to make it this far, though it seems you didn't actually defeat the traps as I expected."

"I'm an outside the box kind of thinker."

"Yes I can see that, now I'm kind of at loss as to what to do."

"I have a solution for you."

"You do?" I drew him close and took his life force. Look I'm not exactly sorry I killed a demented Godling (I mean especially not with all the dead people he had made), and my ass was really really hurting. So all in all I think I canceled out the bad thing with the good things. The only issue I ran into, was because I kind of dispersed his mind instead of taking it in (because I didn't want to fry my soul like I almost did killing the god of vengeance, at least I almost think I did that, look my brain is a mix of horrible so who's to say what I did and what memories did). I didn't actually see a way out. So yeah my ass was not broken, but the way I'd come was kind screwed up. I tell you I need to start thinking these things through better.

If You Don't Want Me Here Just Say So

Twenty five freaking traps. TWENTY FIVE! After the spike room there was a room full of spiders, after the spiders I forgot because FREAKING SPIDERS! All the same TWENTY FIVE FREAKING THINGS! Thank gods I was able to burn my way through all of them, yes even the room that looked to be full of stuffed animals (evil stuffed animals!). I was starting to think I wasn't wanted there (well that and DAMN MY ASS HURTS OH GOD WHY IS THERE SO MUCH PAIN!)

Eventually I came through all of the crazyness into a stone chamber, that lead to a huge door.  The cold was gone, the traps behind me. To say I was hesitant to go forward was and understatement! Honestly I was worried the treasure would be a trap in and of itself (because why else all the other horrible traps?) And with the amount of pain my ass was in, and the amount of fire I'd already used I was pretty much spent. I basically collapsed outside of the door broken, terrified. I was very close to my goal and that was scary (what if it was empty? What if it was a trap? What if it was a dead god I was resurrecting to destroy the world... wait that last one was something I probably will do later).

So yeah I did the last thing anyone would expect. I went to sleep. I can't tell you how, all I know is one minute I was standing outside of the large door, and the next moment I was waking up in a warm bed with a dear old man looking on at me with a large happy smile.

"Welcome traveler I've been waiting for you." And that was the last thing I ever expected to see ever, even more so than a dead god resurrected by my stupidity. Who was he? Where was the treasure? How did I get into bed with a broken ass without waking up? Next entry! Well aside from the ass thing, I have no idea.

I Just Want To Fly

There didn't seem to be anyway across the gap. I could see what looked like more cavern on the other side, but I couldn't even be sure of that (because my torch and vision only go so far, I could have just been seeing a wall on the other end that was painted to look like another side, how someone would paint that? I dunno its not my weirdo painted cavern thing!). I thought at first maybe the way forward was invisible (look anything is possible in a world with magic) but my attempts to throw small objects where it should be came up with nothing (naturally). So there I was at the end of an ice cave, broken assed and without ideas. It crossed my mind that perhaps this was some kind of trap for asshole treasure hunters. Lure people to a cave on top of a mountain and then put them in a killing jar type situation. It was actually a brilliant theory and I would have loved to hash out who set it up and who distributed the maps... IF I WASN'T SEEMINGLY TRAPPED IN THE SITUATION THAT WAS POSSIBLY GOING TO KILL ME!

I'll admit facing my own certain death for what felt like the eight hundredth time recently (when am I not in danger? Uhh never). I kind of panicked and started lobbing fire, I guess my reasoning was if I was going to go out, I was going to go out setting shit on fire (the most Lorentino solution ever). It was during this tantrum, err strategic application of fire to solve my problem I happened to burn away part of the ice cavern and reveal a completely different route to go. Now I could only assume this was clearly a test to see if whoever came up the mountain could conjure flame (because we are truely the gods most chosen people, I mean look at the charmed life I lead for examples). So instead of trying to burn more things and discover the truth of that I just walked down the newly opened side way and promptly got stuck in a room full of spikes.

I tell you its almost like someone said "This treasure is not for you." Over and over, but unfortunately for them I don't listen to anyone who is not me!

Broken Bones Don't Work Like That

One of the worst thing about broken bones is just waiting them out doesn't work. I mean I'm sure eventually they'd heal (like months and months later) but the pain doesn't go away, it just gets worse and the bone just feels more and more broken as you sit there wondering how badly you hurt yourself. So that's the position I was in at the bottom of a slippery cavern ass fully broken (which bone in my ass you may ask? I don't know I'm not some kind of ass bone fixer person). I knew I was trapped. I knew I was amongst other dead who had ended up the same way (their bones dotted the slope showing that again like the crazy cold winds above the slippery ass bone breaking drop off was another security feature).

Fortunately for me I am a survivor of painful injuries pro! No broken ass bones will keep me from treasure. I eventually got off the frozen floor, and created myself a little bone bonfire (a bonefire as it were) using the clothing of previous travelers and their bones to at least help warm myself up. My ass still felt broken (because it was obviously), but it did let me get up off it. I took a couple of the stronger looking femurs with me as a make shift torch and continued on down the cavern.

This part was also slick and carved out like the previous parts had been. Though with my torch I at least had better vision of problematic areas of which there were a couple (no more steep slopes, but again the assdamage was done). I could see relics of other treasure hunters who had come this way as well, their cast off and clothing items showing that whatever laid ahead probably was not any easier than was before it. And boy howdy was it not.

I came to a sudden drop off. Like one minute there was the carved ice rock, the next empty void. If not for my torch I'm sure I would have fallen to my death, which probably explained what happened to the other people who had come by earlier and not had returned. Probably, I dunno maybe there was a path at one point and they were total dicks and destroyed it. Seeing what laid in front of me I had only one comment.

"Well shit." Which is exactly what it felt like.

Freezy, Breezy, Nothing is Easy

It became readily apparent why there were frozen people on the top of the mountain (no there was not some huge frost breath beast up there chilling things, you're insane person who suggests such things!). The cold came from all over (it was a very tall mountain) but mainly from a very large cave, which if I was reading my weird treasure map correctly, was clearly where my awesome treasure was hiding. So despite pushing winds, freezing temperatures that chilled my blood I pushed on. Here is where I was thankful for my ability to conjure fire, I was able to put a ball of it in front of me, that at the very least kept me from being immeadiately frozen. It didn't help with feeling like I was stuck in the middle of an icecube, but I take what I could get.

When I got to the mouth of the cave the wind cut off. It was very weird. Like one second I was fighting for every step forward, the next dead calm. It caused me to almost fall down it was so sudden. The cave walls were covered in ice, and looked to have almost been drilled out (there was a weird ring like texture that was even in the floor). And blue, so very blue (because again the ice, though ice doesn't have to be blue, it can also look like people as I just said and blood even, but that comes later...). I'll admit going deep into a new cave despite recently having plunged myself into the afterlife due to this very thing may seem stupid. But I'll have you know I'll do a lot of things for treasure that in retrospect seem really stupid afterward (also known as man's pursuit for anything, I assume women are smarter and thus they don't do these things.)

The cave went from being horizontal oriented (that being level) to being diagnol (that being you know slanted) pretty fast. Fast enough I didn't see it coming so I slid down an ice cave pretty fast to impact with the ground so hard I think I actually broke my ass (for those that don't know, yes you can break your ass plan accordingly). There were other not frozen bodies down at the end of my slide so that implied I wasn't the only person to survive the freezing winds to slide down and probably break a bone. I'll admit with my ass broken I didn't really feel like getting up, so I laid there in pain moaning for a bit. And by a bit I mean a whole day.

Look you know how this goes, I don't deal with pain well at all. Just look at how painfully I draw you along journal.

BOOM!

Nevermind All That

Climbing up mountains is not an easy thing to do. Even more so when you are completely inexperienced at climbing (I mean I've killed people with necromancy who have climbed things, but there are certain things like muscle memory and other facets of mountain climbing that memories just don't cover). So why was I climbing a mountain? Was it related to the war I talked of in my last entry? No not in the slightest. See when we had killed the rulers of Lork I had discovered a map that supposedly lead to a long forgotten treasure, and ever being the treasure seeker I am (look if a man is going to live forever he wants to be able to live in comfort, treasure helps that). But what of that War Trezlan? Wars some and go my dear readers, it resolved itself without my assistance. What about Alontor's ability to see the future how did you find that out? Hanlon told me in an insulting way implying I'm not very good at observation (guilty as charged). Ok those things out of the way, back to my original point, mountain climbing is a real bitch.

I have to admit as I was using a pick axe to get a hold on an icey rock face that seemed unending I worried that I had read the map wrong and I was in fact just climbing for the fun of it, which is not true there is no fun in mountain climbing. But like is true in every other facet of my life I continued on because at the very least there had to be something at the top of a mountain, I mean why else be there (this philosophy I'll admit is more flawed than others that I have, its not like the Gods put mountains in places just to shower them in gifts, but when you're cold possibly lost, and haven't eaten in a day you find yourself believing in crazy logic).

As my pick axe reached the top of the rock face I was climbing I felt a strong urgency to throw myself up there immeadiately (because you are always closest to failure right before victory). Good thing to because no sooner had I reached the top then the rock face which had previously been steady and stable (well as much as a rock face could be) suddenly dislodged and fell all the way to wherever rock faces go when they cachunk off the sides of mountains (probably crushed an orphange for war orphans, because that seems like the kind of thing one of my careless actions would result in).

The top of the mountain was cold, really damn cold. Like I had actually prepared a bit (hence the pick axe) and was wearing a fairly think animal hide jacket, and the cold wind and atmosphere was almost painful. I could feel my beard freezing, I didn't know a beard could freeze, but there it was freezing (I also realized I should have bought a hat or let my hair grow out because being bald made the cold all the worse. It was so cold I didn't notice at first that there were people up there with me. Completely frozen solid people.

Which was reassuring because if people got frozen up there it clearly meant something up there was worth having (again bad logic, again see reasons). So I was hopeful as I was quickly on my way to joining the assembled frozen masses. Well as hopeful as someone can be while they feel their face freezing off. So like half hopeful.

A Cut Above The Rest

"And so you see," Alontor buried the blade into the mans neck and slowly slide it across, it didn't decapitate him, but it did spill all of his neck blood out in front of his family (you thought I was joking about that? oh no he really did this), "My associates and me are not messing around, we would really like your support in our future endeavors in Lork." The woman's face showed absolute terror, her two small children were crying. I was doing my best to try and be somewhere else, I knew that the ruling part of Lork was a bag of dicks, but slicing a dudes throat in front of his family and asking his widow to back your play? Kind of dickish too. The woman complied with our request, opened up her farm lands for some fighters to be stationed there, and thanked us for showing her the error of her ways.

We had been doing "meetings" like this across Lork. Sometimes they ended peacefully with the people agreeing to our demands, other times we killed entire families (yes even the children, have I mentioned I'm terrible? I'm terrible). It was a pretty orderly revolution, in a way I felt it was more like a weird political campaign than any kind of revolution (I mean at least when we deposed the Red Hand we didn't simply kill people in their homes, we fought battles! that as a matter of course killed people in their homes.)

Now I've told you Alontor could see the future, but I did not know this at this time he had that ability. It just always seemed like he knew despite being actively hunted for, that he would never be in any danger. At the time I just thought the guy had balls of steel and he felt he was completely untouchable (despite being near me, the guy who is entirely touchable, by everyone, everywhere), knowing now that he could with utmost authority know he was safe kind of makes him not appear as awesome. Well that and all the murders, but mostly that he could literally see the future of the actions he was taking a part in.

Anyway, this kind of activity went on for a couple of weeks, and then in one decisive battle we killed Lork's central government aided by all the horrible things we'd done to set them up. Alontor assumed control, tore down the wall, rejoined up with the Guard central government, and just in time too as the Guard was about to be under attack from a completely new and horrible threat... Almost like he could see the future of things and knew that if Lork stood alone it would be wiped out. Wait almost like, no he knew that, stupid future seeing weirdness.

Pretty Sure You Need A Public For a Public Execution

Have you ever been insulted by an execution? I mean you're going to get killed, so you think "Well maybe it'll be some grand thing, something worthy of the term 'public execution'" at least some kind of grand send off. But no what I got was maybe two guys and a horse, this was my public execution. I was adamant there had to have been a mistake, when they took the hood off of me I almost expected a joke or something "Ha ha Trezlan this is just your transport", but no they were planning on hooking me up to the back of a horse and having it drag me to death. This was the dumbest execution since that one time someone tried to kill me with delicious meats (also known as every meal I've ever eaten).

"Any last words?" Purple robes was there, my hands were tied to a very strong tight rope (but I can conjure fire, so it wasn't either compared to my ability).

"No, because I'm not dying today, this is the stupidest..." That's all I got out before they slapped the horses ass and away I was drug. To their credit it was a very painful twenty seconds I was drug by a horse, and then I set the rope on fire and was freed. I was covered in dust, feeling a little run down (or drug down, booom!) and expecting suddenly the people who had set me to be drug off by a horse to be chasing after me (because you know I set myself free) when an explosion ripped apart the small bunk house that I had previously been a guest of (as I had guessed there was probably not a murder room next to the place I was in, though I'd never know now since it got exploded). In the that was not much of a surprise Alontor came sauntering up with a group of rancher rebels in tow.

"Trezlan my friend, how are you?" He had that umbrella, despite no rain that day, I guess it was his lucky umbrella.

"I got drug behind a horse, how do you think I am?"

"Alive, now get your ass out of the dirt and come with me, we've got more work to do." I tell you being able to see the future and direct people so that potential futures you see come up more often than not? Completely a dick move when those futures involve getting drug behind a damned horse.  THANKS YOU DICK BY THE WAY I HOPE YOU READ THIS!

When I say I know Nothing

The various techniques of information extraction across the lands are all very similar. I mean they all try and intimidate you at first usually by implication (ugly dungeons, suggestive sounds, torture implements near by). Then they move on to being your buddy, they really want to help you, you just have to help them. Lastly of course is the actual torture during which any information you provide is useless, but I'm sure it makes someone happy (whoever that sick bastard may be). So with all of that in mind...

"All of your compatriots are dead, you are alone and you will be joining them shortly." Short stocky, nice purple robe (royal color) no hair on his head, not threw shaving like myself, looked like early onset hair loss.

"Well that certainly makes me feel more talkative." I'd been there for less than an hour, it was definitely a new way of doing an interrogation. Immediately killing everyone and just telling me I'm next kind of hurt my feelings though, there was no artistry to it.

"You are to be publicly executed, unlike your friends who were just gutted in the room next to you."

"I do like working for an audience." Its true I'm a crowd pleaser, just ask all the dead people (that part of my joke I did not say).

"Where did your weapons go Mr. Lorentino?" So it was to be a real interrogation.

"Weapons? You know I thought those crates were loaded with Hanlon's new portable shelters. I had no idea there were any weapons in them, alas I was robbed recently."

"Lying will do you no good."

"But I'm so good at it." Except when I admit that I'm lying.

"If you think the rebellion will suceed, they will not."

"Buddy if I thought anything that would be one more than I've currently got."

"Enjoy your execution Lorentino." And with that he left. I wasn't magic shackled, which told me my enemies knew little of me other than I'm an arms dealer and revolutionary (sort of? I still dispute this). The room I was in was also just wood, I had no idea where I was, but we hadn't traveled long to arrive at it, so that was a hint that we were clearly not very far from where we'd been picked up. I also hadn't heard a lot of people, so it wasn't a very well manned location either (implication, but people move around make noise, it becomes apparent when they are around or there are a lot of them). Also I was pretty sure he was lying about gutting people the door over, I'd have heard that. All the same I patiently waited for my execution. Because there was no point in trying to break out of a location I couldn't make a clear getaway from (see I've learned some stuff). Also was kind of interested to see how they'd kill me, I admit I'm vain like that.

Time, Time Marches On

Two weeks later (I foreshadowed this with yesterdays entry you can't be surprised) I was standing bored out of my mind at a "checkpoint". I don't know what me and the three guys with me dressed as farmers with a broken wagon were "checking", but we were checking the crap out of it standing by a dirt road in the middle of nowhere. This was my new normal since I hooked up with the rebels. I delievered the weapons and then I joined their checkpoint teams making sure the roads of Lork were properly dirty and boring and nothing happening. It was the roll I was born to play waiting by roads not making conversation while people pretended to fix something. Honestly if there was ever a metaphor for my life, this would be the perfect one.

At least it wasn't raining, that's all I could really say. I knew that the rebels were doing something somewhere. And us standing by the road was part of that plan, but I had no damn clue what any of it was. Which made it all the more surprising when we were arrested by the Lork Authorities. Yeah, standing by a country road unarmed (and we were unarmed). I tell you its almost like Lork was some kind authoritarian shit hole where doing anything could get you arrested. AS IF!

The Worst Person For the Worst Job

"This is all wrong!" No I'm not describing Nidget's love life (boom!), or sadly my love life (self boom little deflated). I was of course describing my position in a damn revolution! That's completely stupid! I'm not revolutionary. Despite of course being directly involved in at least two seperate revolutions... Look unlike being a god killer this is not something I really think should be on my resume. I'm like the accidental revolutionary who gets sent somewhere to specifically accomplish something and then manages to do that through no actual ability of his own.

"Settle down Lorentino if I had any doubts about you before they are all gone now." Alontor standing amongst his men was a clear leader, and not just because he had a soothing voice (so soothing), but he commanded respect in the room like none other. It turned out he commanded that respect due to several things. One he was a vicious person willing to be so cut throat (at times actually cutting some throats) and two he could see the future and in that he could of course know at least how some outcomes were going to happen. 

Ok I don't think I've descrived how "fortune" tellers can see things that haven't happened yet before so let me drop some knowledge on you.  The future is a constantly swirling ball of horrible, both good and bad. People who are "seers" can see some of those outcomes based on actions you are, or will be contemplating making. Their power of observation is limited to their magical ability, and how predictable you are as a person (so their ability to see a farmers choices could stretch for years, their ability to see mine, barely outside of a minute, and I'm proud of that!). Alontor was a fairly powerful seer, one of the strongest I've ever seen, but he didn't tell anyone else about it. To everyone who couldn't see magical ability or feel someone magical, he just appeared to be really lucky (it was the reason people still played cards with him, even though even if he wasn't a seer I would never play cards with someone who was as consistently lucky as he was).

All of this to say after having two lines spoken and the rest of my crazy speech (also known as every entry ever... wait thats more self bashing, damn it!) that Alontor knew that I would be the right man for the job, sort of. Ok he had a good guess I'd do a good thing for his group when in reality he should have had no such belief because I'm insane and trying to guess what I'm going to do is impossible (look even I can admit that because its the truest thing I'll say today!) Look you read this journal you know I'll skip entire weeks of things and then highlight a conversation that took twenty seconds. Its honestly your fault that you expect differently from me!

The Rainmaker

It was raining, I didn't turn to see Alontor looking smugly underneath his umbrella (how did you know he looked smug? Wouldn't you be smug if you were using an umbrella before it started raining?). Instead I just kept with the reins (ha I spelled that right in your face homonyms!) and directed us to the guard who had sent me away before. Alontor had started smoking a cigar, the smoke was unpleasant to say the least.

"Do you have to smoke that?" I'm not opposed to cigars, just this one was awful.

"Oh Trezlan must you judge me for my bad habits?" We approached the guard and he held out his hand in the universal symbol for stop and against my better judgement I did. Alontor had assured me he had a plan.

"Didn't I tell you to..." And then he passed out from the smoke Alontor blew into his face. He indicated I move forward and I did with rapidity. As soon as we were beyond the check point Alontor pitched the cigar over the side.

"Surprised there weren't more of them, I thought I saw at least three other guards at that checkpoint." I had in fact seen that many.

"They are currently detained attempting to hussle a farmer out of his wifes company for the evening."

"That's horrible."

"That's Lork."

"What was in that cigar am I going to pass out?"

"Do you have an allergy to xanya weed?"

"No I don't think so."

"Then no you will not." And with that I moved on, Alontor directed me to where I was to take the weapons. A small farm village outside of the main Lork city (Lork had expanded since I'd last been there including gathering up farmers and farm land so they could supply the main city). I put the cart into a barn and hopped out. Alontor brought me to a farm house where there were other similarly dressed ranchers, though none of them had umbrellas.

"Where's my payment?"

"Job's not even half done yet Mr. Lorentino, we paid you and Hanlon for a revolution, that's what we will get."

"Swell." Hanlon screwed me again! You know when I saw him before I might have just kind of asked him what the job actually was. But no, no I didn't because despite him admonishing me for not wondering about it. I STILL DIDN'T ASK!

Rain Is Sneaky Like that

Have you ever met someone who always carries an umbrella? I don't just mean when its cloudy out, I mean like everyday rain or shine? I hadn't until the Lork trip and now I kind of wonder what I'm missing out on. I like to consider myself prepared at all times, but I never carry an umbrella. I guess despite being caught out in the rain several times I don't like to bring an umbrella, it feels like giving up. Like walking around with an unsheathed weapon, you're basically admitting the world sucks and it's going to rain on you, and that's not my optimistic view on life! This will become more apparent later on why this is a thing I'm wondering.

"Hello there." He was of course holding an umbrella though it wasn't raining at all, and hadn't rained in the past few days. Other than the umbrella he had on fairly normal rancher looking clothes, jeans, button up shirt, a pistol in a gunslinger set up on his left hip. All fairly normal for a rancher, though again the umbrella was out of place.

"Stay where you are I'm armed." I had no idea who this person was, and why he had an umbrella, I just knew thieves can be sneaky bastards.

"Hold on there fella, I'm here to help."

"With an umbrella, doesn't look like rain."

"Rain can be sneaky like that, doesn't look like its going to pour and then then next thing you know you're in a storm you have no idea was even there." You could extend this to be a metaphor of my life, if you were a jerk!

"I think I'll be ok." He was now in the open face was slightly tanned, so he did at times either lower the umbrella or that was his natural skin color (look as a person of color I have to admit I can tell nothing of other peoples ancestry.

"Trezlan Hanlon sent me to help you, let me do that."

"Well why didn't you say that to start?"

"I wanted to be polite." And so I met Alontor the man with an umbrella and a smile. He was the nicest rebel leader that ever slit a man's throat while his family watched I'd ever met. And no that's not a metaphor.

Look Don't Blame Me I'm the Fall Guy

Failing at anything is completely unknown to me (yes this is a truth) so failing to deliver what should have been a simple weapon shipment and instead sitting outside of the Lork limits in a caravan of weapons was off putting. One because it made me a really big ole target for thieves, murderers, and politicians. Two I hate being in wagons, they smell, they are normally dirty, and no matter how you try and sleep on a weapon crate it never quite gives you that back support you crave (the only time I travel in a wagon is when I'm transporting weaponry). Three I realized that Lork had changed again and that made me really sad because it felt like I was just there (because I kind of was). While I was trying to come up with a fourth reason I was put off Hanlon showed up. Because of course he did.

"Trouble?"

"You did not inform me this was a weapon shipment for a rebellion and that Lork is now some kind of locked down city state."

"Well you didn't ask, and I'm shocked that rebels would want my weaponry, I tell you Trezlan I thought this was an honest delivery to a large group of men who just wanted them for personal protection." There was number four, Hanlon's smile is so off putting its hard to put into words (other than those ones).

"They aren't going to let me in you  know."

"You could always blast your way in, though it would make it harder for the delivery to remain under the radar, don't worry Trezlan I'll come up with a new plan."

"That Terrifies me."

"Stop being you for just a bit, and don't worry, when have I ever let you down?" He emphasized the I and the you implying of course I had let him down plenty (which was not true at all, because I don't fail see above!) I have to say it was scary, because previous help from Hanlon had been anything but normal, and I didn't think this would be any different. Thankfully it wasn't some horrible flesh creature or anything, unthankfully it meant I got stuck in Lork, because of course I did!

Welcome To Lork, Go Away

"You can't come in." The wall was new (or I think it was new, I didn't recall a super huge wall around the "lork territories" before, but maybe I was wrong), the guard standing beside it seemed like a dick, and not just because he was telling me to leave, though that played into it.

"Its just a weapon shipment, you can let me in." I was sitting on a covered wagon, underneath the wagon's tarps were a lot of boxes marked with Hanlon's ingignia (an H with the - of the H in the shape of a rifle). I had no idea what was in the crates because I'm not paid to care.

"Just an unscheduled weapon's shipment from Hanlon arms to an unknown party within the Lork Territories? Yeah thanks but no thanks, we know who Hanlon normally supplies and you can be on your way." There was an implication here that I didn't like, that being that we supplies rebels that overturn governments. It was completely true based on recent history, but still the implication was insulting!

"So you're saying I can't like pay you to open up?" He turned around and went into the little guardhouse by the gate and I sighed a mighty heavy sigh. I hate not being able to complete simple jobs. Hate even more when Hanlon has me clearly outfront of another damn rebellion, this time without telling me. And hate the most that I was now sitting on a wagon that might as well have a huge sign that said "please rob me and take my weapons." I could tell I was going to hate my day and it had just really started.

Nothing Exploded, Then It Was a Good Day

"I'm going on vacation." Nidget said this with loaded saddle bags draped over his shoulder, so it was one of those, "You already agreed you just didn't say it yet" situations I'm famous for.

"You were just on a vacation!" I considered where he was missing and I went looking for him a vacation, because as I have said many times, I'm a dick.

"Right so I'm leaving again, make sure not to burn down your store, don't worry I already took my back pay from the register while you were away." And with that Nidget left me again (which is always a good thing? But then again he manages the store when I'm off in other peoples afterlifes, so can I really judge? Yes, yes I can). So I was alone in the store dealing with those mundane people who purchase weaponry and other knick nacks of garbage (look I sell the crap, I admit its mostly bad, but the idiots purchase it! Seriously you can grind up anything sell it as "Manly stamina powder" and some damn fool will buy it). All things considered it was a nice quiet week until Hanlon showed up again.  Because of course he did.

"My favorite weapon seller."

"Hanlon I can't recall ever seeing anyone else selling your weapons anywhere other than me or people reselling weapons I sold, so I think I'm your only weapon seller." He smiled.

"Makes it easier to be my favorite." He did have a point.

"So is there a reason you are here or is this just checking in with your favorite salesman."

"I wanted to check and make sure you made it back safely of course." That's a lie, he knew I got back, because he's Hanlon, he's creepy.

"Right of course, and that you probably have something for me to do."

"Just need you to escort a shipment to Lork, since you are so well liked in that part of the world I figured you'd be the best man for the job." I believe I mentioned how Lork has become some kind of glitzy authoritative haven of principled gambling and not the den of disease and whores it once was (gods I miss old Lork).

"And for this I'll be handsomely rewarded?"

"No, but you'll be paid, I'll even have one of my men watch your store while you are gone, win win." Almost on command a man appeared through the door dressed in an impossibly crisp suit and saluted. So of course I had to go, because it would be rude to turn down the all knowing entity who kept me sort of in a decent amount of money that I didn't want for much (other than less excitement). Besides I hoped maybe Lork had gotten better and not worse (and I was completely wrong about that as always).