A Fond Farewell

Well its been years thousands of entries and lots of spelling and grammatical errors, but I think I'm going to stop writing this blog now. You all silently have been great. I appreciated the exercise everyday to churn out stuff, but quality has fallen and I think doing a weekly blog is probably more for me, easier to produce quality (or what I claim to be quality).

I encourage you to read my other blog naturally

http://exterminatorsassistant.blogspot.com/

I update weekly and I like to think its got my signature style with the fun the three of you have appreciated over the years. Much love, thanks for the ride. And enjoy your lives!

Time To Step Into More Dumb

"That sounds like robbery."

"You are thinking of it too much in a criminal sense, we're just asking them to give us money in exchange for them not being hurt, more protection."

"Protection from us."

"Well yes protection from us."

"No." Nidget was attempting to help me find new work by telling me we should rob people. I was beginning to suspect literally everyone associated with Trezlan was a bad person. We were in a dive bar in a bad part of town (I swear every town I roll up in now has all bad parts, it seems since the war the only thing that really spread was inequality). Because whatever Trezlan did I didn't trust and so hiding out seemed like a good idea.  The only other patron at the bar was an old man who looked passed out or dead. I didn't even see the bartender which was fine their drinks sucked.

"I think that old guy is dead."

"Nidget no don't you little monkey leave that poor man alone." He didn't listen he was immediately rifling through the man's pockets because he's an asshole without boundries.

"I think this guy is some kind of treasure hunter."

"No Nidget no." And I kept saying no all the way to the transport and on our way to location of a supposed treasure. It didn't do anything to say, but at least I said no, it makes me feel better personally.

Lessons Unlearned

"So Trezlan was screwing with us?"

"Yeah apparently it was something he did in his past and felt it was a learning experience for me."

"Sounds like a shitty learning experience."

"Right?" I of course was worried being back in my time I'd be arrested again, but apparently Trezlan had done something for me in that no one seemed to even notice. Not even facial scanners picked up that I was a wanted criminal. Nidget and I were just really wandering around now, just a couple people looking lost out of time and mind. At least I wasn't wearing my prison outfit, that was a plus even if I looked like some weird history buff.

"Well at least we are back in the real world right?"

"Sure, unless Trezlan is screwing with us again."

"I liked it better when he wasn't a god, then his powers of screwery were only related to small petty things like putting one rock in my shoe for years."

"Are you joking with me on that?"

"No, well at least I don't think so, it certainly felt like he did it just to me." We just walked in silence for a bit. Just getting used to pavement and city lights after the desert and swamp we experienced.

"So what do you think we'll do now?"

"Probably get into trouble, its that Andre and I used to do, and at least you aren't religious like he was, that followers of fire shit got really tiresome." And Nidget was correct, we totally did get into shit not too long after!

You Can Never Let Go

"He was but a young child, far too foolish, far too clumsy, he fell." The old man was crying, the story too painful, too real. "He fell and wouldn't wake up, he just wouldn't wake up, so I did what any parent would do I made a deal with someone who I should not have and this, this is what happened." I still wasn't exactly sure how someone could take a comatose child and make it into the monster we saw, but magic is weird and those who make deals even weirder.

"So you want us to not kill him?"

"No I can't do it, I tried, I know he's a monster, he's ruined these lands and he'll do worse, I just," He wept again, "I just can't, he's my son." I understood though I had no children of my own I'd seen the way my father had always had to make hard choices when it came to sending me to do anything. It was in his eyes, the eyes of "anyone but you." Just seeing the poor man crying killed me, I wanted to slay a big creature, but the real monster was in front of me, grief in all its forms was the real killer.

"Nidget remove him please." Nidget understood, he lead the old man out. I approached the heart and I could see the small boy in there. He looked like he was dreaming among the roots and branches coming off him. I didn't want to kill him, I didn't want to destroy this monster because it felt monstrous even though I knew it was right for the world. I felt myself unable to do it.

"Harder than it looks isn't it." Of course Trezlan showed up, I'm sure he has no issue killing children and anything else.

"He's a little boy."

"Thankfully not real." He snapped his fingers and we were in darkness. Just a black nothing.

"This was a test."

"Everything is a test, some things more than others, this is a real thing I did once, I can't remember why or how, but I ran across that old man and his son, at first I thought I could just do it, I mean I'd killed hundreds of things over the years, but a small boy who's only issue was being clumsy? Seemed cruel even if he was now a monster. So I used magic, a lot of it, lots of it was bad, awful things, but I saved the child's life and ended the monstrous creature."

"So you ultimately did good."

"No, no I did not, the boy grew up, became a man, and did terrible terrible things, nothing that I knew would happen mind you, nor would his father. But all the same, by interfering in how things should go I got more people killed than I thought was possible."

"Says the person who said you sent us to the past and things would just work out."

"They did for the most part." He winked at me and then I was back in my timeline, Nidget was still there looking just as confused.

"What happened?"

"Trezlan was an asshole as usual."

"Oh so its a day that ends in Y."

The Heart of the Issue

We were in some kind of cave. We had been pulled under the earth by the monster and we could see bones of previous creatures. They lined the walls roots shooting through them. I assumed the creature just ate things, but apparently it drained them of their life slowly which was a benefit to Nidget and myself. Nidget for the most part had already escaped his roots, probably because he was short and not technically alive so the creature failed to account for him.

"So are we like in its stomach?"

"I'm not a biologist Nidget."

"Well yeah but you know things right?"

"Nope, get me out of here!"

"Won't that alert the monster?"

"NIDGET! GET ME OUT OF HERE!" I could have used my coldfire, but I was keeping my reserves of that just in case it came down to slugging it out with the monster. The little jerk finally freed me and we moved on from the "stomach" to further in, which definitely felt like we were inside the creature, despite being underground. I figured if we kept going enough we'd find its heart and be able to kill it underground (good of a theory as any other!) So we walked under the earth for a bit until we came to a central chamber and found its heart and an old tired man.

"I knew someone would come eventually to kill my boy." He leveled a pistol at us, I didn't even know they had guns this early, his hand was weak though and he couldn't even keep the pistol up before he dropped it and started crying. And things only got more awkward from there.

Not a Swamp Monster, A Swamp Giant

"That is a one big freaking monster." It was the size of a small building. I want to think Dave should have oversold the creature in its size, but I don't think that was possible. It was very much a creature, all made of earth and seemingly partially fused with the ground. Very much alive, a wandering animal got snatched up and eaten while we watched.

"Well everything is big to me, this one bigger than most." Nidget had that perspective, though I think he was underselling the size difference.

"So what do you think we do to kill it?"

"If Trezlan were here he'd say burn it down, so uhh you go set it on fire and we solve this little issue." I was hesitant to believe either a Trezlan plan or the cold fire would work on such a creature.

"So what's the other plan that won't get us killed?" Before Nidget could answer roots reached up from the ground and had snatched us. I should have known the creature would have noticed us, but you know when you are in an argument with a little person you make mistakes. Mistake like standing there like an idiot while it grabs you and slowly lumbers over to eat you. Mistakes like that.

Dave of the Lost Daves

"So really my family used to farm this land prior to it going all swampy of misery." The cloaked man was named Dave, the least threatening name ever. I mean tommy the evil person is just funny, but Dave was nice, he took us in and fed us and didn't try and kill us, so you know modest hopes from another human.

"Why don't you leave?"

"Felt like giving up really."

"So instead you stand around scaring people about the swamp of misery?"

"Well its more of a warning."

"About what?"

"Oh the giant land killing monster that lives further in." It felt like Dave should have lead with that. Like instead of all the hi's I'm Dave, maybe say "Hey can you help me kill this huge monster that killed my familial land?" But that's not Dave, Dave's nice.

"Giant swamp monster?" Nidget already started to sound kind of apprehensive.

"Not really a swamp monster, just a giant land killing creature, I dunno its like part of the earth or something? It really just turned this more liveable land into the horrid swamp you see right now."

"You want to kill the monster don't you." Nidget knew, he just knew.

"Yes yes I do." And so we set out on an actual good thing and not whatever Trezlan wanted us to do, because he's a dick and we do what we want!